Not everything
Is always
As it seems
The truth is not visible
Nor is it clean
You try
But fail to wash away
The pain you feel
That seems so unreal
You desperately cling
To what you know
While you cry
You only wish to die
Old is known
New is not
It's hard to understand
If not in the heart
For the brain
Can be fooled
An aid to the cruel
That only wish to trick you
Slipping you into the dark
But the heart
Is a type of art
That can only be understood
Apart from that
Which can be used as a tool
Against you
- DNL235
- Kisa -
Hearing beeping of monitors, opening my eyes to a blinding light. Familiar unsettling feeling of déjà vu, as I realize why. I'm in a hospital room, again. Ive been to the hospital more this year then the rest of my life. Overcoming the overwhelming flash of light to my sight, rapidly blinking. Seeing a figure in the corner, Kou is fast asleep. He's so cute, he came last night, yet I don't remember much after that...
' Do you not remember or do you refuse too?'
I can recall Dr. Slivermane telling me that I have schizophrenia, but it still hasn't really sunk in. It one of those earth shattering revelations. Then again, no matter how much medication changes ones brain chemistry, it doesn't change the perception on life. I guess that explains you.
' Are you so sure?'
' YES'
' Do you truly believe it fits so well. Seems convenient to me.'
' There's no other explanation, nothing else that explains every thing. Until something else does then yes, I believe it to be true.'
As I am discussing the uncertain possibility of my mental illness with myself, as the door slowly swings open. A fairly tall, middle-aged man walks in shutting the door behind himself. Dress shirt and tie, unshaven five-o'clock shadow and short unkept curly auburn locks. Kou stirring in his chair...
- Kou -
Waking up to a opening door to see a aged man. Black slacks, with a white dress shirt and cobalt tie. He appears very weary, needs a shave and a grim expression contorting his features. I hope it isn't about my cuddly bear.
" Good, both of you are awake. It will be easier and quicker to explain everything only once." Kisa awake, looking over seeing that he is and has a scared demeanor. WAIT... What does he have to explain? I pull the chair over to my snuggle muffins bedside, taking his hand in mine.
" I am doctor Gregory Sharp, and while you where unconscious Mr. Shouta. We took a few scans, a CT and MRI to be exact. I discussed with Dr. Slivermane and her previous diagnosis of schizophrenia is incorrect. Seizures are not among those symptoms. Do you have a history of epilepsy or abuse?"
" Yes, I do."
When he told me about the voice, he also told me his history. Even though I know, it's still burns hearing the confirmation. After being born, Kisa was abandoned on the porch of an orphanage. Luckily he was adopted only six years later. Unfortunately not into the most loving of households. Treated as an objected, he was used for physical labor, sexual activity and often beaten when his captures would get bored, or drunken fits of rage. They did so much to him already, he doesn't deserve more.
" Could you please elaborate." His voice was steady, yet warm with care. Probably years on experience to fake sympathy.
" Abuse"
" I see, and was any damage localized to your cranium?"
Looking down at his own lap, palms sweating.
" Why must you know?" Teddies voice low, and unsteady, cracking with ever word.
" Because there are different types. This type of seizure arises from abnormal electrical activity in the temporal lobe on one or both sides of the brain. About half of the patients have partial seizures, meaning the seizure does not evolve trembling of limbs or a tonic clonic seizure. They have a characteristic pattern, occurring because of scarring or other damage to the temporal lobe of the brain. Sir, if you have, then I must know." He's seems too demanding, can't he see that my love is struggling!
" Yes."
Sharp didn't ask for more, just nodded his head. I'm certain this isn't his first time hearing such things but he could at least pretend to be fazed. A human being was used in vile acts, abused and he just nodded.
" Well the results are in, and there is a large mass in your Temporal Lobe Mr. Shouta. It's explains your hallucinations, the seizure. Well it explains everything, you were misdiagnosed because schizophrenia does explain everything and without a head scan its untraceable."
He stops talking, i look over to see water droplets fall on to the sheets. Grabbing him, pulling him to my chest, embracing his shivering frame. I can't help but wonder, what if this is the end...
- Kisa -
Kou climbs onto the bed next to me, pulling me to his chest. I don't struggle or refuse like I normally, no now I just want to held by my lover. I feel so safe in his tight embrace, yet terrified. I'm so lost... Why do I deserve this too. I would think being repeatedly raped with pipes and beaten that I would become asexual, but I couldn't deny Kou. I also could only hide for so long until I had to admit the truth... I LOVE HIM. Now the likely hood of living for much longer is slim to none.
Removing my head from its shelter, trying to speak but fail. My grip on Kou's hand becoming firmer. Most likely knowing what I wanted to say, he pipes up for me.
" How do we proceed from here?" He's always known what I needed, it's one of the reason I love him so much.
" The best course of action is to operate. I will let you two discus amongst yourselves. When you make up your mind, the sooner the better."
Exiting, as he entered, burrowing deeper into Kou's chest. It all makes sense now, maybe I was only meant to be happy for so long. The again, least I had the chance to be, if only once.
' I told you to be aware of your false reality, you refused to listen. Good things may come to those who wait, but this isn't one of those times. And it's not your good fortune, it's mine. You see I have been waiting, growing all this time and now it's time to say good-bye.'
' Maybe, but let please give me just a little bit more time.'
' I've waited this long, I can wait awhile longer but only so long, my patience wears thin.'
" Kisa, honey what do you wanna do?"
Shaking my head against his chest. I never want to leave his comforting warmth, enveloping me but I know that I must. I must continue to fight, for the sake of us and are future.
" I need to do it."
" I figured as much, and I will be here when you wake up."
As his soft delectable lips brush against mine, I am rejuvenated once more, filled to the brim with courage.
" Good-bye, my love." The last thing I said to Kou, before being rolled down a passage on a gurney to my only hope for salvation. I wouldn't want that to be are last kiss, there's so much more I need to tell him and I only hope that I get the chance to. That I have time to shout my love from the rooftops.
Pushed trough a set of double doors, transferred to another bed or rather the operating table. An anesthetist places a mask on my face, ask to count backwards from ten, obeying...
10... My last wish, My final desire
9... To say goodbye, to the man
8... Form which I was inspired
7... He whom brought me
6... From the precipice, and the abyss below
5... Furthermore my eternal bliss
4... I was so fortunate because, he saved my soul
3... With his kiss
2... No longer filled with darkness
1... So goodbye.. My love, with all my fears and my unlikely final wish that falls upon deaf ears.
Until my vision goes black...
- Kou -
It has been hours since they took him to surgery, I haven't wanted to dare look at the clock ticking away for the exact amount of time. At the same time, the longer it takes the better, means there still working... More importantly meaning he's still very much alive, which is all that matters. Shoved from my thoughts as a pair of shoes enter my line of view. Raising my head, looking into his cold, frozen over sea blue eyes.
" Would you like to know now or later?"
" Now!"
" We where able to get to the mass, but during the operation he had another seizure. With his skullcap open and his brain exposed. His brains began to swell and we were unable too prevent it. Mr. Shouta has irreversible brain damage, he would have been a vegetable."
" What do you mean, " would" be?"
" I mean that he flat lined, but before his surgery he had signed a DNR, we could not preform any extreme measures."
" WHAT IS A DNR? WHAT EXTREME MEASURES? DO YOU MEAN KEEPING HIM ALIVE?" I didn't care about the stares I was receiving, only the fact that he was not saying what I wanted to hear.
" DNR is an acronym, it stands for do not resuscitate. I'm sorry to inform you he did not survive."
" Kisa's... GONE."
" If you need to see a grief counselor we can provide one for you, if you need to discus your tragic loss. Is there any one yo..."
" LEAVE!" I don't care what he's has to say. Sometime I had stood while shouting, sliding against the wall, down to the floor. Pulling my knees to my chest, Turing into a human ball. That must me a sick joke, or even better a mistake. I glanced at his face once more, I was greeted with a cold deadpan features. Luckily he understood and walked away... Before I could get passed shock and reach homicidal rage. The harshness and reality of his words sinks in, as everything comes crashing down around me. MY love, MY Winnie-the-pooh-bear, MY world, the air I breath. I would no longer be able to hold in my arms at night, after making love.
So how do I continue?
How do I live, with out him to complete me?
How can I ever possibly go on, with out my other half?
I don't know if I can ever answer these questions. They say time heals all wounds, yet not these. The real question is... Will I live long enough to fine out?
Dear readers of the fanfic Crimson Clover, I say this with a heavy heart, but this is the final chapter. It has been a pleasure writing for you all, before you wish me a horrible demise, please know that an epilogue can be done. Any thoughts or questions, please review, blunt honesty is always preferred.
Truly Yours,
- DNL235