Chapter Five

Heavily Broken Part Two

Angel

"Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care"

~Heavily Broken by The Veronicas

It had taken a lot of work, but he had finally convinced his weapons to leave him alone in the house. He couldn't remember lying through his teeth so much in sitting, going on about how he was okay that he wasn't going to do anything stupid. Part of him felt horrible for lying to them so blatantly, but it was what needed to be done so that he could punish himself. Maybe permanently. He wouldn't mind that to be honest, already his life was drab dreary without the hope of Soul coming around. Speaking of which, he hadn't heard from the albino in a while, not that he blamed him. He had basically thrown him out on his ass and then Liz had finished the job.

Kidd let out a tired sigh, staring up at his ceiling. He had barely moved from it since he sent the sisters out to go do some shopping... or something. He couldn't remember what they were doing now, though he couldn't remember a lot of things. He hadn't gone to school, and he couldn't remember when he last ate. They might have force fed him yesterday...

A slight head shake wrested those thoughts out of his head, but soon that crushing loneliness was pressing in on him, constricting his breathing. His chest felt like it was collapsing, and it heaved with every breath he took. Yet there were no more tears, he had cried them all out the night before.

It took everything he had to force himself into a sitting position. He took a glance around and cringed at the disarray his room was in, nothing in here was symmetrical anymore. However there was no major breakdown on the way, as he was too out of it to care that much at the moment. Yet still, it needed to be fixed. And so it was with slow movements that he moved around and got his room back into order. No doubt this would make Liz happy as well, any sign of "OCD" in her opinion was a good thing because it meant that Kidd was coming back to them.

Maybe forty-five minutes later he sat back and nodded at his work, everything was back in order and the crushing sensation was gone for the time being. Actually he felt a bit better as well, maybe he could actually stomach some food. The smallest of smiles possible quirked the edges of his lips and he headed down to the kitchen, searching through the fridge once he got there. He couldn't help but feel proud of himself as he found something that he could just shove in the microwave and then eat.

And he did just that.

It took him a few tries to get the tricky plastic covering off of the... was this what a tv dinner was? He eyed it for a moment before shrugging and following the directions to cook it. Food was food and he could only stomach so much for the time being.

'Slit cover over main tray.'

He reached for the knife to cut the slit, and yet his fingertips slid across the blade. The pads of his fingers split apart and spilled forth bright red liquid. Shock registered across his features before he grabbed the handle of the blade. That wouldn't do, he couldn't have a cut on just one of his hands, it would drive him insane. So he held out his other hand and slid the blade across his fingers on that side as well, effectively making himself symmetrical in the wound sense.

Watching the copper smelling liquid ooze slowly from the cuts was far more fascinating than it should have been, he knew that much, and yet he couldn't stop. It started to slide down his fingers in a spiderweb, pooling between his fingers and then spilling over into the palm of his hand. Kidd was dimly aware of the fact that the knife was shaking... no wait, that was his hand. He watched in muted surprise as it fell from his grasp, and he reached for it without thinking. Yet his hand overshot, resulting in the blade knocking against his wrist and leaving a shallow cut.

It wasn't even. It wasn't perfectly placed in the middle of his wrist either.

THAT WOULDN'T DO!

It was with a calculating eye that he fixed the wound, cutting a little bit on each side so that it was even and would give the appearance of being in the middle. He pressed too hard in a few spots and that resulted in it being deeper in some places than in others, and so he had to go back and fix that. By the time he was finished he was bleeding freely on that wrist while his other one was still untouched. Placing the two next to each other he furrowed his brow, yet again he was now asymmetrical.

A feral growl slipped past his lips and he took the knife in his other hand – it was slippery with the blood from his fingertips – and started to work on his other wrist. A faint hiss of pain escaped him, but as he put the finishing touches on the perfectly symmetrical cut a wave of euphoria washed over him. Yes, he was symmetrical now, minus his God forsaken hair that he refused to think about for the time being. The feeling was amazing, practically sweeping him off his feet and causing him to sink to his knees. It was then that he was aware of exactly how much blood was pooling off of his arms. Had he hit an artery? It was possible, but he couldn't be too sure since he wasn't certain how different a Shinigami's biological make up was different from a human's and human biology was all they taught for science...

He must have sat there lost in thought for a little over half an hour, until his vision started to get spotty and black at the edges. Ah, two pints of blood lost already? Goodness, he must have cut much deeper than he thought. That meant that – a wave of dizziness swept him into its grasp and he swayed, falling over onto his side. Thinking probably wasn't such a good idea now, it made his head hurt a lot more than it should have. Yet he knew that he had to put pressure on the wounds before something bad happened.

It took every ounce of strength left in him for the young reaper to get to his feet and stumble along the hallway to one of the bathroom and find the bandages. His vision was getting more and more spotty with each step and part of him feared that he wouldn't make it there in time before he passed out. As the realization that he might not make it dawned on him, he slowed down to barely a crawl and felt a feeling of peace stow over him. He quickly found that he was okay if he didn't make it through this, it would be better for everyone in the end if he thought about it. Liz and Patti wouldn't have any issues finding a new meister, everyone knew how good of weapons they were. None of his "friends" would really miss him, after all he was nothing but the OCD freak son of Lord Death. Not even his Father paid him much attention. And none of them had visited him since the party either, including his Father.

And Soul... oh Soul, he was so sorry for everything he had done to make you hate him. Pushing you away had never been his true intention, and he realized that now as loneliness stole over him once more.

Actually realizing how alone one is feels like a heavy, unbearable weight is pressing down on you, pushing you into the ground. And that was how Kidd felt now, sinking down to his knees in front of the bathroom door. He was alone and there was no one who cared enough to save him. A broken sob pushed its way past his throat at this revelation as he pitched forward, his vision fading into the nothingness. Yet in the background he could've sworn he heard something. Someone... calling...

"Kidd! KIDD!"

Okay, I just want to apologize now for taking so freaking long to get this out. :( Even with all of the reviews you guys kept sending in (we love you for that by the way) I just didn't have any will power to write this chapter. And so I finally forced myself too, and it was short... but it's there! So... uhm... yeah. I'm sorry. Very very sorry, for taking that long. But, I hope you liked this chapter. I tried to keep Kidd as in character as possible, but playing him as a depressed, suicidal, heart broken teenager is rather difficult while still keeping him as our favorite OCD bishie. So I hope I did okay. ^^
And I'll shut up now.
Treana has the next chapter, wish her luck!
~Angel out