Envy and Pain
The tears burn your eyes, the pain flashes through you again and you bite your lip to keep from saying a word, a sound of the pain that's tearing you apart.
You push back the red hair framing your face, fallen snow sticking fast to it and clinging to your eyelashes.
You don't know much about how you're feeling at this point. It's a twisted mess of emotions all bound to each other by one thing. Him.
He's across from her, she's turned around asking if she can borrow a quill. The teacher's lips purse and she snaps at them.
The girl, she falls silent and turns back around but then sneaks a glance back at him and they both laugh. It's a silent communication and more painful by the second.
She never falters and he seems to like that. She's not breaking like you are.
The words on the parchment blur until they're nothing but smears of black on the torn parchment roll.
The quill in your hand trembles, and the fears begin the well up.
Will he ever realize how much more she is? She acts fearless, she never doubts what she says.
She's beautiful, prettier than you'll ever be. He's finally convinced you that you're beautiful but now he's looking at her like she's so much more.
She knows more than you ever will. She's everything without even trying. She flashes you a smile that only stings more.
You take in a slow breath, letting it tremble before you let it out even slower, trying to keep breathing. Every second you have to concentrate on every breath you take, trying to keep from breaking.
Then suddenly, ink splatters across your notes as you accidentally knock over your ink pot. No one else sees, but you're staring at the black ink that is slowly creeping across the paper. Staining across the blurred notes.
You stop, your breath catching in your throat as all the doubts and fears well up all at once, demanding to be set free.
Every little piece, every little regret, words you never said, words you'll never stop thinking about, prayers you never made and everything you've ever done.
Every sin that you've ever committed, every lie you've ever told. It all come down tearing your walls down.
Suddenly you can't breathe, you have to get away. Anywhere but here. No here. Not with him there.
So you run, run through the empty hallways and then up flights of stairs. One after another, until you can't breathe and you can barely see through the tears that are falling down.
But it's only when you reach your dormitory that you finally break down. The pain finally breaks through, then it's too much to think, to breathe, to even think about anything except for every single flash of pain going through you.
He's taken down every one of your walls and torn it down and you're breaking.
You've only ever seen love break apart and go up in flames.
After Hogwarts he's leaving to the Academy and he's not coming back. He'll be lost to the war that's going on. He's never going to look back years from now and turn to his best mate and say, "I miss her," or "I wish I'd stayed."
He's not that kind of person. He doesn't look back at his past. Only on to the future.
You know he doesn't like her, that she doesn't like him. But if only they could see it maybe he would realize that she could take him away from you. Maybe he would realize the fear and the doubt.
The fear that comes creeping in and tells you that you're not pretty. She's beautiful with her pretty smile and flawless looks. She's not anything like you, plain and boring.
He's far more than you'll ever be. More than what you'll ever achieve he's already done. You don't know what he sees you as. You could just be that girl who he sees as the person you are when you're talking to him about anything, the person that cares more about him than yourself or the person who is just someone else.
He's not going to see the girl who tries so hard every day, the girl who spends all her time hoping he'll notice, the girl who spends her time wanting to know if you love her as much as she loves you, the girl who won't admit that she cries over you, the girl who wants to know.
The one who wants to know what you see in her.
Maybe then you'll see why you're not just some girl...
I want to be the one girl. Not your favorite. Not your best. The one and forget all the rest.
But that's not going to happen. The love will just go up in flames like it always does. You'll move on and find someone who makes you truly happy.
You'll hold up your head and close the door. You'll be strong in front of everyone else but behind closed doors you'll break. Fix yourself up, dry your tears and put on your mask because you're a princess and your tiara's falling down.
You'll let him go...and see if he truly loved you too.