Envy and Pain
How much you long to tell him...the feelings of betrayal and fear. You fight the fear with every bit of strength you have, you're preparing to break the news to him.
How can you do this without breaking yourself, too?
You turn to tell him, opening your mouth and preparing the words once again before you say them. But then the words are lodged in your throat, unable to speak or even say what's on your mind.
As much as you want to tell him, to break it to him you can't. That would be giving up on something you've worked for, tried for, fought for...how can you just give that up in a matter of seconds?
You try again, this time you manage one word. His name. You marvel at how even now, on the verge of breaking apart his name still sounds beautiful to you.
The worst part is that no one will ever understand why you're doing this. Why you can't be hurt again...that it's killing you to so this. But no one else will see it the way you do.
His own parents don't understand...they don't even know you. They'll never find out that you dated their son because you never had the chance to meet his parents and he'll probably never tell them.
"James." He looks at you with an almost childhood innocence, eyes fixed on you. He tilts his head in an almost owl like fashion.
"Hm?"
If he truly loves you, he'll come back to you.
You find yourself hesitating to say it. Then you remember the vivid flashes of crying, cursing his name under your breath, wishing you didn't love him like this.
That time you ran into your dormitory, panic gripping you and shaking you to pieces as you fumbled for your diary and then you pulled out the blue ink you only use on special occasions and wrote his name down.
You wrote it in beautiful, curly letters. You vowed that one day when you were finally over him you would be able to tear that page out and be done with all the regrets and all the pain that came with it. You'll finally be free.
But then you fear that day will never come, that you'll never be able to see him smile and still feel happy for him. That you won't be able to walk past him and feel the bite of jealousy when you see him with her.
You pray that one day you'll be strong enough someday to rip it out and let go of one of the best things that ever happened to you.
"I'm done."
He looks at you in almost confusion. You can see the gears turning in his head, then your own thoughts take over.
But we were perfect.
Used to be. I just hope I'm strong enough to move on, to see past all of this. I thought you'd always be mine. But now I see that I'm not the only one on your mind.
He finally looks at you, and for a moment you think he actually sees you. His eyes turn downward, whether he's sad or disappointed you can't quite tell. He hesitates, his mouth opens and then closes. He looks almost speechless but confusion flickers in his eyes.
You make a move to stand up. He suddenly moves, standing up and grabbing your wrist before you can move.
"Don't go."
You look at him. He doesn't sound desperate. He sounds sad, like he's realizing what he's losing for even a second.
There's a long silence. You already want to take him back but that would only mean more pain. More pain for you. Do you really want to watch him talk to other girls again?
"Don't let me." You stare into his eyes and for a moment you think it flashes, a bit of recognition. A challenge, a dare.
"I won't." It's not him being overconfident. There's a fraction of fear, but his eyes meet yours and in those dark depths you can see what you don't need words for.
You won't let me become the one that got away.