Chapter Thirty-Four

Ella felt the force of six angry people hit her like a truck. She closed her eyes to it, breathing slowly through her nose until she was calm and focussed only on herself.

"What is wrong with you?" Damon demanded. He had grabbed Ella by the shoulders and shook her roughly causing her teeth to slam together. "Why the hell would you even consider letting that bitch kill you?"

"I thought he was dead," Ella answered simply, her voice calm.

"That was the stupidest thing you've ever done Ella," Jeremy chided, sounding just as annoyed as Damon did.

Frowning, Ella looked over at Jeremy. He looked livid and Ella didn't understand why they weren't getting it. "You don't understand."

"You're damn right we don't understand," Caroline chimed in.

"Guys," Elena spoke, her voice almost soothing. "Ganging up on her isn't going to help. Give her some space and let her explain."

Damon dropped his hands from her shoulders and moved away to pour himself a drink. Jeremy tried to walk away as well, but after thinking she had lost him Ella couldn't bear to let him go. Grabbing hold of his hand, Ella pulled him back to her and refused to let go.

Jeremy looked at her, a frown puckering his brow. She didn't know what he saw in her eyes but a second later he'd relaxed beside her and returned the pressure in her hand. Ella felt better, as long as Jeremy was by her side she would be fine.

"We're waiting," Damon snapped after taking a sip of whiskey.

Ella ignored him, instead looking up at Jeremy. He was the most important one here, the one who she had to explain herself to. Jeremy was all that mattered.

"I thought you were dead," she repeated her earlier statement.

"That's no reason to kill yourself," Jeremy argued, still angry.

"Jeremy," Ella sighed. "You're being a little hypocritical don't you think?"

"What?" he exclaimed, wrenching his hand from her grasp.

"You drank vampire blood and swallowed a bottle of pills after your Uncle Jon killed your last girlfriend," Ella explained. "Now you're angry with me because I couldn't bear the thought of living without you."

"That's different," Jer shook his head, backing away. "I wasn't trying to die."

"Yes you were," Ella whispered. "You were in so much pain after having someone else you cared about die. You wanted to die, yes you'd come back, but when you did you'd turn the humanity switch. By doing that you'd be an empty shell, what difference is there between that and being dead You'd have been better off dead."

"I can't believe you," Jeremy gasped, look as if she'd just slapped him. He took a step away from her and Ella flinched away from his pain.

"I'm not trying to hurt you Jeremy, I'm trying to make you understand. What you felt that night after your parents died then Vicky, then Anna, you wanted to shut off the pain," Ella tried to explain, but Jeremy still looked hurt. "I'm sorry, I'm not explaining very well, but it was the only way to make you understand. I didn't want to shut off my humanity. I could, it's what was happening to me, but being an empty shell of a person is no way to live."

"You're rambling," Damon interrupted impatiently. "Just tell us why you were stupid enough to try and get yourself killed in plain English that we'll all understand."

Ella rounded on Damon, becoming increasingly annoyed with his attitude. "I already did! I told you I thought Jeremy was dead and I wanted to die because I couldn't take the pain that was eating away at my insides, but you're too dead inside to comprehend that simple act of grief."

"Dead inside?!" Damon practically screamed at her. "I nearly died trying to save your suicidal ass!"

"Who asked you to?" Ella yelled back.

"If it weren't for me you'd be dead! Then where would the rest of us be? You know what to were? You were selfish. You only thought about yourself and your pain. You didn't care that losing you would hurt the rest of us!"

"Selfish? You are calling me selfish?" Ella snarled at him. She could feel the anger bubbling in her veins again.

"Enough," Stefan stepped between the two of them, his hands outstretched toward them both. "Arguing isn't going to get you any where. Ella didn't die, she's alive and there's no point in dwelling on what could have happened."

"No," Jeremy shook his head. "I want to know why she decided to take herself away from me."

"I thought you were dead!" Ella yelled, rounding on him. "Don't you get it? Don't you understand how completely my life is tied to yours? You're everything to me, you're my entire life! My whole world revolves around you, every decision, every thought; they're all about you and your happiness. The pain of thinking I had lost you was killing me; it was stripping me of my humanity because it was just too painful to bear. I couldn't take it anymore; I was drowning in it, slowly sinking into the void. So yes I wanted to die because being in a world without you is unimaginable. Is that so difficult to understand? Because of what I am I am tied to you in every way supernaturally possible."

"Ella," Jeremy breathed, stunned. The others were silent, shocked by the outburst and declaration. They could all feel the intensity of her love for Jeremy projecting from her.

"Don't Jeremy," Ella shook her head, backing away from him. "I need to go."

"Please wait," Jeremy tried but Ella was already gone. His heart ached, just before she'd turned away from him he'd seen the tears streaming from her eyes.

"Let her go Jer," Elena said, she too had tears in her eyes. "I think she needs some time alone. We can check on her later."

Jeremy nodded, still staring after Ella. He wanted to go after her, to comfort her and apologise, but he listened to his sister. He'd hurt Ella, he knew that, he'd just been worried and shocked at her confession that she'd wanted to die. Now that he thought about it however, he probably would have done the same thing if the roles had been reversed.

There was no life without Ella now.

TBC…