Lovino sat in the chair beside Antonio's hospital bed, just staring at the love of his life, covered in bruises and tubes. "Toni…" he whispered. "Please don't let go, I can't lose you…" There was no response from the figure on the bed. Lovino had been sitting there for longer than he could remember. Antonio had been deemed stable enough that the doctors could leave the room, but they hadn't been able to give Lovino much good news on how Antonio might fare.
The only advice he'd been given was to be ready to say goodbye. But Lovino couldn't say goodbye to Antonio. He was the only thing that kept him going most days. There had been times that Antonio had saved Lovino from himself. And without realizing it, Lovino was lost in his memories…
He barely noticed the tears streaking down his cheeks, but he did notice the sting of the razor as it cut his flesh. There were numerous other scars from his weakest moments. Moments when he felt that the world didn't want him, would be better off with only Feli.
"You're just a bastard that no one cares about," he hissed, glaring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. "And you're a coward! You know it's true… If you weren't, you wouldn't hesitate to just end it. It'd be better for everyone… Especially Antonio… He only stays with you because he knows if he left you'd do it…" Another ragged sob escaped his throat.
"Do it," Lovino whispered, staring at his reflection in the mirror. "Do it, you coward!" Finally he slashed as hard as he could at one wrist, going straight down. He couldn't help it as he cried out, but forced himself to do the same to his other wrist. He'd be gone faster that way.
Suddenly, the bathroom was filled with light, and it confused Lovino. But it only took a moment to realize that the light came from the door being opened, and that figure standing there, shocked, was Antonio. He stared for a moment, processing the sight before him, and then rushed to the towel cupboard, grabbing a few towels, and rushing to press them on Lovino's arms, trying to stop the bleeding. He pulled out his phone, and Lovino saw him dial 911. Lovino's world was hazy, and he couldn't make out what Antonio said, but he felt when the brunet put the phone down and pulled Lovino close. After a few moments, the world went black to Lovino.
Lovino sighed as he remembered that time. That had been when he was sixteen. Six years ago… He still remembered the conversation in the hospital. That conversation had changed his life.
"Lovino, why would you do that?" the Spaniard asked in a hushed voice. Lovino looked away. When Antonio actually called him by his name instead of some ridiculous pet name, that's when Antonio was really upset.
"I'm sorry…" Lovino whispered. "I… I thought you would be better off without me… I'm just a burden…"
"What?" Antonio snapped. God, he sounded angry. "Lovino, no one would be better off if you killed yourself! Did you think about anyone besides yourself? What about Feli? What about me?"
"I did it for you, you bastard!" Lovino cried. "You only kept me because you knew I'd do this if you abandoned me too! I was trying to make it easier for you!"
"Lovi…" Antonio whispered. His eyes were filled with tears. "Lovi, I kept you because I wanted you around… I want to spend time with you, Lovi, I don't care if you yell at me when I try to hug you. Lovi, I love you, that's why I wanted you to stay!"
Lovino stared at him. D-did he mean…? "Y-you really do?"
Antonio smiled softly. "Of course. Haven't I told you before?"
Lovino looked down. "Yes… But I always thought you were just being nice."
"Lovi, if I didn't want you here, you would've been sent back to Roderich when he was taking care of Feliciano. I like you better than Feli, Lovi. He's…well, Feli. I'd rather have my Lovi."
Lovino smiled, a rare thing. "I didn't know that… I… I thought you hated me."
Antonio looked shocked. "How could you think I hated you? I thought I was making it obvious that I love you!"
Lovino sighed. "I thought it was an act."
"Lovi, I'm horrible at acting," Antonio said.
"I know, bastard," Lovino snapped. He wasn't sure why he was reverting back to his normal defensiveness, but he couldn't help it.
Antonio seemed to ignore the rude comment, and just gave Lovino his normal bright smile. "So, you won't hurt yourself anymore, right?"
Lovino nodded. "I'm sorry."
Antonio shook his head. "Don't be, I'm just glad you're alright. I was so scared, Lovi…"
Lovino was brought out of his reflections on the past by a nurse who walked in. She did various things that Lovino couldn't begin to try and figure out the purpose of, and then left, ignoring him completely. But Lovino didn't mind, he didn't want the pity that everyone would give him. That look of, "Oh you poor dear, your boyfriend is dying."
Lovino buried his face in his hands, trying to stop the tears that had begun to escape. He didn't know what he'd do without Antonio. So Antonio couldn't die. It was simple. He wouldn't die because Lovino couldn't handle it if he did. But at this moment, he couldn't stand to be in the suffocating hospital room a minute longer. He got up and started walking. He wasn't sure where he was going, but he needed to be out of this horrible place. This place was filled with fear and death. He couldn't stand it.
Without realizing it, Lovino had found himself standing outside the nursery. He stared in at the infants, his heart clenching when he realized that they had their whole future ahead of them, while Antonio's future was sliding through his fingers like sand.
Lovino didn't know what happened after someone died. Did they continue their life? Were they reincarnated? Would Antonio someday become one of those newborns lying in their cribs, knowing nothing about the life that was stolen from him, nothing of the one he'd left behind? Or perhaps he would just be gone. All those moments of his life, every smile, every time he'd called Lovino by those goofy nicknames… Would they all add up to absolutely nothing? Lovino turned away from the window. He couldn't think about it. He shouldn't after all, because Antonio not making it was just not even the slightest bit possible.
He slowly made his way back to the room Antonio was in. He didn't want to leave him alone for long, in case- No. Lovino stopped the thought right in the middle. Antonio would be fine. He just wanted to be their for when he woke up.
Lovino went into the room and sat down in the chair beside the bed. Then Lovino did what he hadn't done in a long time. He prayed. He hadn't prayed in what seemed like forever, and it was because he didn't feel he should. Feliciano prayed. After all, his family was Catholic Italians. But Lovino had been passed the responsibility of keeping the mafia under control. It was a gruesome job, and he had so much blood on his hands, that it felt wrong to use those same hands to fold and pray. But desperate times called for desperate measures, and if Lovino was anything, it was desperate.
"Save him… He can't die. He hasn't done anything to deserve this, he's a great guy… Just save him… I don't know what I'll do if he dies…" Lovino opened his eyes again and looked at Antonio. It wasn't the greatest prayer, but it was all he could manage at this point.
There was no change. Lovino wasn't sure what he had expected (perhaps angels descending from the heavens and enveloping Antonio in a white, healing light, after which Antonio would wake up fully healed) but whatever he had been expecting, he didn't get it. Antonio remained motionless on the bed, his vital signs unchanging on the screen that displayed them.
After another hour, Ivan came in. "Lovino, I need to discuss some things with you…"
Lovino's heart sunk in his chest. Those words could never be good. "Wh-what is it?"
"Antonio has suffered major brain damage, Lovino. Even if he survives, he will essentially be in a coma for the rest of his life. That isn't much of a life at all. Do you see where I'm going with this?"
Lovino couldn't reply for a moment. The only thing he was aware of was the feeling of his heart shattering, or perhaps just being ripped from his chest. "Y-you want to take him off…the life support… But that will kill him…"
"But would he truly be alive with the alternative?" Ivan asked.
"Well… No… But I can't… I can't just let him die!" Lovino cried. His mind wouldn't stop trying to say that everything was going to be okay. A chorus of repeated, "It's okay"s filled his mind, while he knew very well that nothing was okay. And then he realized it was his fault. He had always hated when Antonio went out with his friends. He had always wanted to ask Antonio to please stay home, don't leave him all alone.
But it was his damn pride that stopped him from doing it. He refused to beg to Antonio. And now because of that stupid pride, he was losing the only thing that mattered. And was good was pride when you had nothing?
"Lovino, we need your decision before we can do anything," Ivan said softly.
"F-fine… It's what's best for him… But give me a while…" he answered.
Ivan nodded. "Take as much time as you need," he said before leaving the room.
Lovino sat down in the chair once more. He felt numb. How was he supposed to begin in his goodbye? And would Antonio even hear him?
"I wish you'd stayed home…" Lovino whispered, tears beginning to fall once again. "You should have stayed home with me for once, instead of going out with those stupid friends of yours… But I couldn't ask you too, cause I didn't want you to think I was too clingy. And now because of my stupid pride, I'm losing you!" He scooted the chair closer to Antonio's bed and leaned his head on his chest. "I wish this hadn't happened… I can't lose you, y'know. But now I have to… And this is the suckiest goodbye in the world, but I'm trying to think of more to say because I don't want them to let you die yet…"
Lovino fell silent for a moment, just listening to the steady beating of Antonio's heart. He would have been fine. His vital signs were stable, he would have survived if it wasn't for the brain damage… "It seems fitting that what I always said you had is killing you now…" Lovino had always insulted Antonio. He was constantly asking if the Spaniard had brain damage. And now he was regretting it so much. He was regretting pretty much everything he had done. He couldn't think of one day where he'd been completely nice to Antonio. He had always made fun of him and called him names. And he hadn't told him he loved him nearly enough. Had Antonio even known how Lovino felt? Antonio had always made his feeling obvious. The guy had been an open book. He had never shown it, but what if Antonio didn't realize just how much Lovino had really needed him?
Lovino wiped the tears away, and tried to stop crying, but failed miserably. "You idiot… You shouldn't have been driving… You should have called and asked for a ride or something! But before I have to say goodbye… I just need you to know I love you."
Sorry this took so long to update! I was writing with random spurts of inspiration, and when I didn't have a teacher looking over my shoulder! So, there were two possibilities for the ending of this story, and I decided to go with the depressing one, because I have this strange obsession with character death.
Lovi: YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND, YOU BITCH!
Oh hush Lovi, you'll have more to yell at me for next chapter. By the way, the next one will be the last! This was always meant to be just a short little series. R & R! Reviews get you love! By the way, here's your love!
Aentiaa: Thanks for reviewing! I'm a huge fan of your fics, so it makes me happy that you like mine too! I'm sorry for the slow updates, though!