A/N:
You guys are also so awesome thank you all so much! We love how everyone appears so dedicated to this plot – hopefully you keep enjoying it cos as some of you have guessed the angst returns now…eeek!
Stu: There's a little bit of Walker in this – there's not a lot of him in the entire fic plan at the moment though…we'll try and include it if any of you guys like?
PatricaJessic: Yes the twins are definitely going to be much of a feature! They have an ever increasing presence :) We heart Leah and Lucas!
Chapter Warnings:
The return of the angst
A little smut – not a great deal but more than the last chapter
Bad language (as always!)
Chapter 6 – Brendan Brady
I shouldn't have done this again, you know that and I know that. There is no way I should be kissing him again, especially when he's as weak as he is. Especially when I want him like I do. Especially when I haven't had the strength to ask him who he really is.
But he just kept tempting me. And he will never get this, that bein' with me isn't easy, that I will hurt him and that he needs to leave. Even if my house is safer than home, it's not safe.
But how can I remember that – when he just keeps tempting me.
All day he's been lying flat out on my bed, and he kept rolling over and stretching and moaning. Then he cooked something that was just better than anything I've ever put in my mouth, and sat with our legs touching under the table. Then his arc d' triumph was to suggest we had a swim! Like this whole day has just been about my seduction.
I found some trunks belonging to that bulky footballer Lynsey used to date. I'm certain I remember these trunks as being big on the footballer, but somehow, like a God is laughing at me, they look fucking tiny on Steven. And, if you remember, the first time I saw him properly was in this pool. I remember so clearly how he looked that night, naked in my pool, skin shining under the stars like he's some fucking Adonis.
I was doing a good job of not thinking about it though, till I had to carry him back here cos he had lost his breath. The moment my hand was around his waist it was like the only thing I could feel was last night and I don't even know if he remembers it properly but it was all I could think about. And that memory carried on it's back all the other kisses and touches we've ever had.
So when he pulls me up on the way I'm looking at him; and says I can kiss him if I want; and holds the back of my neck; how am I supposed to stop?
He keens from the moment I taste him and he keeps keening. It's such a fucking sexy noise, like he wants me to do this forever. So I'm going to have to take him, I don't care if he's not strong enough yet. From the way he's gripping my head he doesn't want me to stop either and I don't think there's anything that either of us can do. His legs widen on the step and I move in between him, the wet lycra of our swim shorts is an entirely inappropriate barrier for the hardness we both have. It feels like he's naked against me. He wraps his legs around my hips, and his foot presses against my spine as he gets closer. He severs our mouths, just our mouths, as his hands in my hair hold me close. And he grits his teeth like he's close, his eyes wide and so blatantly turned on. God.
"So I was thinking, I'd proper like it if you fucked me boss," he tells me, his breath so heated, "do you think you can do that?"
And there's nothing that heats my blood quite like that sass.
I grip his arse tighter, pull him closer towards me and make him keen again. I slide my thumb into his swim shorts, down the crack of his arse.
"Steven, Steven, Steven, you know I can." I tell him.
And his eyelashes have started doing that thing, you know lowering so I can barely see his eyes blown dark and I know he's as lost as me.
"Brady? You in here mate?" Shit! It's Walker.
He's come for the dinner, we agreed we were gonna have one for the road but not this early. If he sees Steven and I, you know like this, well this is going to totally give the game away. I trust Walker, he's the only one of them I'd consider a mate, but I also know he looks out for himself. He'd let Foxy know in a flash what he caught us doing get the upper hand. But even as my body's freezing in shock, Steven's dislodging himself from me.
He moves like I've trained him and there's no need for me to tell him what has to happen. Like he knows he's just a dirty little secret. God I'm such a bastard.
"Brendan Brady?"
Ste runs quickly into the steam room, turns to me as he walks inside, bites his lip and winks.
Walker stays and talks to me for a moment, thankfully its about little but footie and that girl he's been shagging, least I'm pretty sure it's a girl but she seems to be called Shawn. I refuse to get out the pool because, as I tell him, I haven't finished my lengths. But in reality it takes forever to lose the thrill Steven caused.
And all I can think about is how I wish he'd had stayed. How he will be stood on the other side of that door, smiling at these jokes Walker makes. And how that smile would make me happier if it was close and I could taste it.
***K&M***
At seven forty we get ready to leave.
I tell Walker I've forgotten my watch and go upstairs to make Steven promise not to answer the phone or open the door to anyone. He comes back with some smart arsed comment about being told that a hundred times before. But I need to keep him safe and he doesn't know the sort of monsters that come knocking at my door.
I kiss him before I leave him – he made me OK?! Yes, just by the way he was looking at me.
We arrive at the restaurant a little before eight. First one's here as usual. It's a quiet Italian with spaced out tables, dim lighting and the staff don't bother us. A place we can remain inconspicuous .
Eight on the dot our associates arrive. Well four of them. Just waiting for one more who's always 'delayed,' But the door swings open and in he walks ensuring everyone knows he's arrived.
"Brendan," he nods towards me first.
"Warren, nice of you to join us" I remain completely calm even though inside I am screaming. Screaming at him for hurting Steven. For hurting another person I lov…..I know. My fists clench and I feel my nails digging into the palms of my hands.
"So, I heard you found that rat-boy then. Let him go before he got what he deserved."
"Good babysitters are hard to find Warren."
He smirks "Well, just make sure he doesn't come near me or the club again. Oh and you owe me now. Again." he looks straight at me, as though he's looking straight through into my soul. Telling me without words there's another reason I am bound to him forever and I will never be able to get away.
Dinner is tedious, my mind drifts back to lunch time. Watching Steven cook. Sitting with him, talking. Watching. I love looking at the boy, brown hair, blue eyes, he's so ordinary but in this way that makes him extraordinary. I sit and look at these men round my table. All believing they are important, that they matter to the world. That what they do makes them seem hard, makes them more mobster. When in fact they are small time drug dealers and producers. Ok so a couple aren't so small time. I wonder what Steven would make of them, how long it would be before he has me laughing at their suits and their talk.
Foxy's in a good mood tonight, he will just flip out sometimes and be more like that man I used to know, the one I used to look up to. My first girlfriend's older brother.
We discuss how they are going to push various concoctions onto the street and which ways would make the most profit. Well they discuss - I nod here and there and give one word answers when I have to. I just wanna get back home. Huh – home - funny I've not thought that word in a while.
***K&M***
With business complete for tonight, we say our goodbyes and Warren decides he's coming back to mine for a night cap. I can't argue. I learnt a long time ago that I don't have certain options when it comes to him. I am obligated to be within reach when he chooses. Because of choices I have made.
We arrive at the house, still locked up. Still in one piece. I pray the same can be said for Steven. As soon as we are inside I tell Foxy to help himself to the whiskey. I excuse myself and bolt up the stairs to find him. He's laying on the bed watching a film, he smiles up at me as soon as I walk in.
"You alright?"
He nods, slowly. I can't get over how comfortable he looks in my bed, like he'd stay here forever.
"Right, listen I've got someone downstairs so I'm gonna be a while." He looks like he's disappointed about that and I wonder what would have happened if I came back alone. I'm still on that fucking thrill he gave me in the swimming pool.
I have company though, so you know he's got to stay in here.
Steven can't see Foxy – when he thinks what he thinks about me.
Foxy can't see him – when he knows what he knows about me.
"You alright to stay in here for a bit?"
"Course."
I nod and somehow tear my eyes away from him, but he calls me back as I get to the door.
"Missed you," he tells me sweetly this smile on his face. The one he knows just makes me want to kiss him.
"Steven."
"I'm just sayin', kept thinking about you," he's walking over to me now, "tonight in your empty house, alone in your big empty bed. And I realised I still needed to thank ya properly for you know, saving me." He looks up flirtatiously through those Bambi like eyelashes and steps forward. "And everything else."
I move away.
His hand comes out to cup the back of my neck.
"Stev.."
Before I can argue he leans up and kisses me, softly.
"It's OK," he tells me.
And those lips are always my wildest fantasy aren't they? I am about to give in and kiss back when I hear a little cough and realise we have a spectator.
Shit – Foxy!
I react without thinking, as I have always done. I push Steven backwards and look at him in disgust.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?!" I bark at him loudly
"Wha?..." he asks in confusion and reaches for my hand.
Before he can do so, and before he can say anything, I bring my clenched fist up and hit him. Punch him hard on the jaw, and again on the cheek – just below his eye. When he's got his balance, He looks at me with incredulity and an agonized look appears in his eyes. Like all the trust he had in me has evaporated.
I stand inert for a few seconds until the realisation of what I have just done hits me. I start to move towards him, not really thinking just needing to stop him looking at me like that – like I've broken his heart.
"So…." Foxy says unnecessarily loud, he doesn't like thinking that people have forgotten his presence. "Now I know why you were so desperate to find Rat Boy."
Steven stands drenched in fear. This is when he finds out that the protection I offered him was flawed, my guard over him was only ever temporary.
"Brady…why is Mr Fox here?" The realisation hits him like a bullet, his entire body seems to shake, "You know him?!"
"You didn't know we know each other?" Foxy smirks at Steven, a dirty laugh. "Been keeping secrets from your babysitter have you Brendan? Well let me tell you Rat Boy, I more than know him, he's more than my business partner - he's like my little brother aren't you Brendan?"
As Foxy takes delight in explaining our association, he emphatically leaves out the parts he chooses- the parts that give me no choice. All I can do is watch Steven, the distance between us growing.
Warrens still talking, "known each other twenty years now, haven't we old buddy old chum? Do everything together, Brendan Brady and I well we're exactly the same."
Steven just stares at me like I'm a stranger. He's retreated far into the back corner and it's like his body is closing in on itself, he is so small and so young.
"I'll be a moment OK?" I tell him, hoping he can see how sorry I am.
Foxy laughs all the way down the stairs.
***K&M***
If I had any strength I'd kick Foxy out into the night, go and apologise to Steven and make him understand. If I had any say over my own actions.
To the outside world me and Foxy have a partnership, but no-one can see behind decade bolted doors.
"Well, well Brendan. Seems Rat Boy wasn't the only person you lied to," Foxy words are laced with a sincerity which sounds like a threat.
"He was the babysitter." I insist, "it just changed into something more."
Looking back now I don't even know how it did, one moment Steven was just a teenage lad looking after my kids, and then suddenly he was a man I needed to have in my bed again and again. Foxy used to say that I had a possessive disorder - any beautiful thing I saw I had to make mine. That was back when l let him know me though, back when I thought he saw me as his equal. Before I knew what he'd do to remind me how weak I really am.
"It's over anyway." I say, paint the lies I can only hope will save Steven, "has been for weeks but the kid just won't get over it. Guess he got a taste for the good lovin'."
I joke but the man doesn't even smile.
"It's over," I tell him again.
"Well you better make sure of that, I don't want any more of your vulnerabilities getting in the way of business," and although those words are dressed like goading hints I know it means I've done it – I've saved Steven from the clutches of Warren at least.
I leave the room and through the French door I stare at the man I used to know. Warren Fox is rotten to the core. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to say I'm guiltless, you know. I know I asked for the things we did. But the night I met Foxy was the night I was casted as Luther for a lifetime – he was the one who set my path.
Warren Fox is the one who changed everything.
***K&M***
"My bike," Steven says determinedly, as soon as I shut my bedroom door on us.
I can't even look at him.
"What?"
"I need you to get me my bike."
I told him I'd collect it for him tomorrow. We agreed that would be fine, before ten minutes ago – before I punched him. So now he's going to walk out and back into what? I still haven't had the strength to ask. I wish I could ask him to stay.
I turn to him and I see his eye popping – I did that. How could I hurt something so beautiful? Because it's who I am, it's what I do. I'm no better than them.
It looks awful, but that's not what he's angry about – what is it they say about sticks and stones? It's never quite true is it.
"You lied to me! You said I could trust you! All that stuff you said about finding me through those kids on the street – it were all a lie weren't it?"
He's pacing around the room, collecting his stuff together like he only has one thought – to get as far away from me as possible. He knows what's good for him now.
"Steven."
"Save it Brady, I know it all now, don' I? He said – he said you're just like him – so you hurt people like he does, you hurt people like me?"
"I don't an-" but how do I answer that question without telling him the one thing I never could?
"You know what it don't matter what you say now does it? Cos I can't proper believe another word."
And with that he turns and storms to the front door and out into the stormy October night.
***K&M****
Six days later I meet Steven after college, wait in the Lexus. I haven't seen him since the night Foxy caught us. He didn't answer his phone till I texted him about the bike. I still don't really know how to play this – we seem to be in stale mate.
As he appears around the corner he's talking to this blonde girl and a brown haired boy, who's wet looking – like a cheese soufflé. He doesn't look at me yet, although I can see that he knows I'm watching – it's in his smile.
But I've trained him haven't I?
He stands outside his school, hoody up, trainers scuffed, sharing what looks suspiciously like a joint with his teenage friends - and I'm just reminded by how young he is, what was I doing messing about in his life? Did I really think I could save him? Because I've done such a good job of saving myself, haven't I?!
He waits for his little friends to get on the college bus and smiles at me, tilts his head to indicate a spot for our rendezvous - just around the corner. I drive to meet him.
"Hi," he says as he climbs into the car.
He's got this big bright beam on his little face now, like seeing me has made his week. But his eye looks awful, time has turned it into a dark puce reminder of my weakness.
He leans forward to kiss me.
"What are you doing?"
He tutts his tongue, shakes his head like he's heard that before, and cups my face before he's coming closer again.
"Steven," I warn him, pressing his hand with my own.
"You said you wanted to meet up, I just thought-"
"I hit you, Steven," I say, running my thumb along the curve of the bruise above his eye, running down to the bump of his jaw. His perfect face damaged by my hand - why can't I say I'm sorry?
"Don't matter does it?" He whispers, leaning in again.
But it does doesn't it? I hit him and he can't just forgive me like this.
Eventually he just smiles at me, and shrugs cutely, "I was proper out of line." he says, "kissing you like that, I know you don't want no-one to know don' I? So I'm sorry Mr Brady. "
Jesus Christ! His words take my breath into one name – Vinnie. I made him feel like it was his fault, I made him apologise too, and then I beat him black and blue every time he came back to me. It wasn't anything to do with him, it was my Dad and Warren and most of all me. I thought I was over it, I thought Lysney had helped me to change, and I didn't ask for this apology, not this time. But it's exactly the same. Steven is just another boy just out of short trousers, who I've fucked too many times, apologising for my hatred and my wickedness.
"Let's just go back to yours," he's saying, his hands running up over my thighs. "Reckon we've got some catching up to do."
"No."
I say taking his hands away, they're so small between my own.
"What?"
"I bought you your bike, that's all." I breathe heavily, I'm still holding his hands but I can't do this. I drop him like his touch burns. "Get out."
"Don't be like that," he says, coming closer again, pressing a small soft kiss to my cheek.
And he's going to keep protesting, insisting and tempting, you know. He's going to keep saying we can be together, but there's no way I can let him. I just can't. I have to make him hate me. I have to save him.
"What did you think was gonna happen Steven? That we were gonna hold hands and go on a date to a gay bar? That we were gonna sit around the table with Dec and Paddy and I was going to introduce you as 'Daddy Steven'? That you would be my gay lover? You're a child Steven, and this was only ever over."
His eyes narrow until their black and he's looking at me like I'm the worst nightmare he's ever had, like he hates me with all of him.
Good.
"Fine!" He says, climbing out of my car with quick agitated movements. "You know what - this time there's no going back, you won't ever see me again, that's a promise."
But I can't just let him leave without knowing where he's going back to.
"Steven, are you going to be OK?"
"Like you care!"
"Steven, please?"
He looks at me like he doesn't know how to take me – and I guess I don't know how to understand myself, when protecting the things that are important to me involves keeping them as far away as possible.
"I'm gonna be proper fine Brady – never needed you in the first place."
He wasn't though was he? Three weeks later he was the worst I've ever seen him. When I found them huddled under that blanket, scared of everything and anything I knew I should have never dropped my guard. You don't ever drop your guard – the moment you do, you get hit.
My safety may be flawed but he always needs to be under my protection.