A/N:
As always a big thank you to everyone who has read, favourited and followed but most of all a big thanks you to everyone who takes the time to review, It means a lot and it's always good to get feedback.
We are both so glad you were happy with the way we told the sensitive issues in chapter 7. The darkness is not nearly over, but there's time for some light(er) stuff :)
There is only one chapter for this week cos we both have rather crazy RL's at the moment and Mercurial's off to Ibiza!
Chapter Warning:
A large helping of smut.
And a flavouring of angst.
Chapter Eight – Brendan Brady
I open my eyes to the sun creeping round the curtains. I feel Steven before I see him - the slow rise and fall of his chest against mine. The gentle flow of air from those slightly parted bee stung lips. My chin rests on the top of his head. I inhale and breathe the boy in. Breathe him all in. Not just his scent but his courage, his bloody determination and his unconditional superintendence of those kids.
It's only as I study him with pride that I realise I must have slept. Not only that but it was a peaceful sleep, free from the usual nightmares and anguish. It suddenly makes me feel vulnerable. The thought that I could possibly rely on Steven. I don't do vulnerability - Don't depend too much on anyone in this world because even your shadow leaves you when you're in darkness.
My thoughts go back to the previous night and all its revelations. So much was said, so much bloody soul bearing. Should I have known about him? I'm not sure. There were signs, like his desire for that pain that was just a little too much, his knowledge of others but not of himself. Those signs were so easily dismissed and why? Because I am the man I am? Maybe. The first few times I even blamed it on him, he seduced me, knowing my rep., obviously he could get himself involved in all sorts of trouble without a second thought. But that day he sought sanctuary in my house, and I held him under my guard, I knew something then didn't I? When he forced himself on me I knew that something wasn't right – and I just ignored it, kissed him, almost fucked him, hit him…
He shifts up into me, he looks comforted in dreams like I'm his knight in shining armour and I know I would do anything to protect this boy.
But it's more than that – it's more than just protection. It's my own confessions, my own fears. That habitual knot inside my stomach is still constricting with the rawness of what I told him. I didn't expect to be confessing to the boy. Didn't want him to know, to be tainted by my past in any way. But as I looked into those eyes I could almost see his soul - the numbness, the shame, the guilt… and the detachment and all of it was mirrored in my own eyes, in my own soul.
But there's also his survival instinct. The power he extracted from deep within to bloody well fight and surmount his past. He would have gone to the ends of the earth to protect those kids, but he can't see his own pain, or that his own pain could matter.
I stroke my hand across his face, he is one of the most incredible boys I've ever met….men I've ever met and he doesn't know that he matters.
We have to talk to today - we need to work out what we can do being the people we are when we need the things we need. We need to work out what's going to happen at the end of this week – where they'll all be for Christmas, who can keep them safe. There's so much we still need to talk about.
But not now. Now he rests.
***K&M***
I check in on Leah and Lucas. They are cuddled up in one of the beds reading a book and giggling.
"Please can you read to us, Mr hairy man?" Leah asks thrusting The Three Little Pigs at me
"Hairy man, that me?"
She smiles and nods.
"I think I got time for one story ," I climb in and sit between them.
"Little Pig, Little Pig, let me in," I say in my deepest Irish accent.
"Don't stop!" she squeals as I'm turning the page
"No, no, no, no, no! Not by the hairs on my chiny chiny chin!" I reply in high pitched squeaky voice I'm glad Steven isn't here to witness.
When I reach the end for the third time she wriggles next to me.
"Again, Again!"
"I've read it like a hundred times already!"
"Come on! Again!"
"Ok, ok!" I hold up my hands in defeat.
***K&M****
I let Steven sleep, God knows he needs it. I get the kids up and make them breakfast. Pancakes. They ask for pancakes. My feeble attempt keeps them in a constant fit of giggles as I am unable to catch most of them in the pan after my valiant tossing efforts. I find myself smiling back at them. Here, I feel… normal.
I sit with the kids and watch a bit of telly, Leah has chosen one of Dec's old DVD's. Some film about a young lion running away after being convinced by his uncle that he killed his dad. One day he is shown by his love that he wasn't to blame, that he had been manipulated to believe he was responsible. He returned to lead his pride and found true happiness. Chez has this theory that Disney teaches kids a lot about real life... apparently.
I leave the kids playing. I grab a tea towel and start to dry up. God, I miss having a nanny!
My thoughts again wander to the boy sleeping in my bed. I haven't had anyone sleeping in my bed for so long – and it feels right. I try to make some sense of how I feel about him. What I feel for him. It felt good, even somewhat liberating to be able to confide in him. To be able to trust another being. I haven't been able to trust anyone since, well Eileen. And to some extent Lynsey.
But he's 16. 16! And I'm no good for him. He needs something more than I can give him. Something more than me.
"Mornin'." my thoughts are interrupted.
I turn round and Steven's there smiling, A shy kind of smile. He's wearing my favourite navy hoodie.
"Afternoon," I smile, nodding towards the clock. "Coffee?"
"Yeah, ta, where are the twins?"
"Watching TV. I couldn't handle another round of 'Three Little Pigs'"
He smiles at me before it turns solemn and he gets this look like he's not in this room.
"I used to 'ave to read it 'em every night cos me Mam wouldn't. Said I was stupid cos of me dyslexia an' that. And it was about my limit…." He trails off.
He looks at me accusingly "Don't think I'm stupid, right."
"I don't think you're stupid, Steven."
How can he think he's stupid? I guess a lifetime of people telling him he is would do that. You get told something enough times it becomes true. In your mind, anyway. But Steven is far from stupid - he's at college and can speak bloody good French for god's sake. I need to keep reminding him how clever he really is.
He seems to study my face for a moment, searching for some sign that I don't mean what I say, He doesn't find it and his look turns warmer. He steps forwards and gently brushes his fingers over mine. Lightly, as if testing my reaction.
I work on impulse – it's the only thing I have around him.
I lean forward and gently brush my lips over his. He responds by pressing his lips back onto my mine. It's the lightest of kisses but it seems to say a million words. I lean back slightly, gently sweep the hair off his forehead and out of his eyes.
"We still need to talk, Steven," I say as gently as possible. "We need to talk about wha-"
"Ste!" Leah and Lucas bound in and throw themselves at him. He envelopes them in a big cuddle.
"Hey you two! How are yous, did ya both sleep alright?"
"Yes!" they say in unison "We slept in a bed, and when we woke up the hairy man read Little Piggies, and then he made us pancakes, and then he let us watch The Lion King on the big telly!"
It all comes out in a big excited rush whilst bouncing up and down.
"The hairy man?" he looks questioningly at me and I point to my moustache.
"Oh" he mouths.
"And ere's me thinking I'd be coming down to a zoo!" he smiles at them.
"Oi, what do ye mean by that?" I ask all offended.
"Well, looking after two kids by yaself, no nanny to clean up after ya. I'm surprised it don't look like feeding time at the zoo," he says with this great big goofy grin on his face.
"You cheeky fecker!" I twirl the tea towel I'm holding round and whip him with it, hard, on the arse.
"Oww!" he yelps still smiling and wanders off with the kids.
But at the door he turns around, winks at me and shakes that bloody perfect arse.
***K&M***
Steven has a coffee and plays with the kids. I stand in the doorway watching them. He looks up at me every so often. Sometimes it's kinda apologetic, like he's saying sorry for something he doesn't need to be sorry about. I think it's because we need to talk. Sometimes though, he has this look. It's a kind of longing. Like he wants to reach out and just be close. His eyes seem to be drawing me in and I can't bring myself to look away, to think about anything other than the normality of it all.
He manages to slip away, leaving the kids playing. Jesus, to look at them you wouldn't know what they had been through. Kids can be so resilient. Yet other times, it taints - leaves an everlasting mark not visible on the outside but torturing on the inside. Once you have been tortured, you can never belong in this world. There is no place that can ever be your home.
As we walk to the kitchen in silence it's like a million fucking thoughts hang between us but neither knows where to start.
"Steven, I -" He puts a single finger to my lips.
I feel so bloody exposed right now, like my soul is accessible to him from a single look or touch.
"Thank you" he whispers. "Thank you for listening, right, and for all this," he motions around the room.
"We need to sort out what happens now, Steven"
"What do ya mean what 'appens?"
"Ste!" The kids skip into the kitchen. Stopping me before I try and explain. " What can we do now?"
"Listen guys, me and Brady need to 'ave a chat yeah?"
"No! Not now! Later!" Leah crosses her arms in defiance.
Steven sighs and gives in. "Ok but you have to let us talk later, yeah?"
Leah thinks for a moment. "One condition," she smiles.
***K&M******
Leah's 'one condition' is we bake a cake. And by 'we' I mean all of us. I have to bake a fucking cake. Steven finds an old recipe book of Eileen's. He chucks me over an apron.
"No chance!" I throw it back at him.
"Come on Brady," he whines, in a kind of bloody adorable way. And it irritates the hell out of me that it's adorable.
I put the apron on and attempt to be of some kind of help to this….to whatever the fuck this is. Most of the time I just stand back passing an egg or a spoon when they ask for it. Steven chatters non bloody the stop the whole time. On and on and on. About nothing. But is doesn't vex me. Its kinda reassuring or something. And it lets my mind wander. But it finds itself wandering back to Cheryl's birthday party. There was cake. I remember the cake. I had cake. The day...when it happened. I feel my body inwardly contort in torment at the memory.
"Brady? You alright?" Steven snaps me back from the recollection.
I shake my head and it cocks to the side slightly and I give him a small smile, diverting eye contact to and from him. He stops and seems to understand.
"Come on kids, let's get this done and in the oven."
He keeps chattering on and I think it's his way of distracting me. I smile to myself.
"Do you want me to stop, to shut up?" He asks noticing my smirk.
"No, don't stop, it calms me," I quickly say before I can put my brain in gear.
His face broadens into a big goofy grin but he doesn't say anything. I clear my throat and ask if they need any more eggs.
It smells pretty good when Steven takes it out the oven. I try to grab a slice straight away, but he tuts and bats my hand away and says it needs to cool and then be decorated. Christ, he can be so bossy.
We all sit down and Steven cuts the cake like it's some delicate fucking masterpiece. I tap my foot with impatience. He smirks and gives the kids their slices first. I finally get to take a massive bite of mine and it's actually really good! I nod my approval at the kids and Leah grins back with a face covered in cake crumbs and pink icing.
***K&M***
Steven takes the kids to bed. I figure they need some time just the three of them so I go for a swim. It's only there that I can stop and think – it's been a crazy twenty four hours – with all the talk last night, and the lack of it today. I forgot how tiring two small children could be. I'm not sure I have the energy to talk tonight not when I still haven't worked out what I could do, and what they can do. I know I'm on a deadline – my boys will be back in five days and I need to make The Hays safe by then, but my mind is spinning and I can't think about it now. Anyway, Rome wasn't built in a day.
I only manage eighty lengths, bloody knackered. So I sit in the steam room for a bit. I sit with my eyes closed as I enjoy the feel of the heat on my body. It's always relaxed me – feeling that comforting burn.
Hard to find a lot of things relaxing, when you've had the life I've had. But actually these past few days have been full of surprises. I slept after revisiting those memories – I've never done that before, and I know that has a lot to do with Steven. Things just feel simpler around him. I know they're not and I'm not fooling myself with thoughts of future or…
But you know you get those people that just make the world beautiful? Like just their presence in your life can make things easier. That's Steven Hay right there. When he grows up he is going to break so many hearts, that lad.
Even with all he's been through he is one of the best people I've ever met. He's self-sacrificing, self-deprecating, kind and considerate. He's fucking beautiful, with those bee stung lips and eyes that just see everything…and that arse! And he's a thrill you know in bed, we were pretty good together - of course I haven't forgotten that.
A small cough tears me away from my thoughts and I open my eyes quickly.
"Fuck!" I impulse.
It's Steven, not just Steven, but Steven entirely naked. His body just exposed for my gaze. His cock is awakening as he looks at me. Jesus he is so incredible. He cocks his head to the side, biting his lip.
"So I was thinking," he says his voice extra slow, "the way I see it we don't really need to talk, and I still need to thank you, for what you did last month and for now obviously. Double thank you I guess. So… how do you want me to do that?" He asks, sassily, holding up his hands displaying condom and lube.
You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
I close my eyes, wipe my hand over my forehead. Jesus it's far too fucking hot in here.
"Steven – this isn't…"
"You gonna turn me down?! you've been making me hot for twenty four hours right and you're really gonna turn me down again?"
I blink my eyes slowly open. I forgot how adorable he looks when cross. I lose my words for a moment.
"Just admit it," he breathes, "you want me, just as much, as I want you."
He's looking at me like I'm incredible – like he would get off just from watching me…Oh - yeah. I stand up slowly, unfurl my limbs for his viewing pleasure. I walk up to him, right up to him, stop within kissing distance.
I reach out a hand to touch his lips, I've missed doing this.
"You want me?" I ask, because even lost to him I know I can't let him do this out of some notion about thanking me, or repaying me, I only want him to want me.
"I always have."
And nothing's gonna stop me now. My hand grips the back of his neck and pulls him to me, and as soon as our lips touch my tongue is stroking between his - right into his mouth. There's not one ounce of that lightness there was before – this is all teeth and tongue and hands. Hands everywhere.
There is nothing here but two bodies in craving, two bodies addicted to each other.
His hand sinks under my swim shorts, grabs my cock and starts to pump really fast. Jesus he is so good at this. I trail my lips down his jaw, past his adams apple, bite at his fluttering pulse point. I know he's sweet there and I know I'm gonna make him keen, but God I forgot how amazing that noise is.
I snatch the condom from his grasp as I sever our lips.
"I'm gonna fuck you now," I tell him, "go bend over that bench."
This fucking cheeky smile appears on his lips, and his hand starts to tease me, his fingers trailing lighter over my aching member.
"Nope." He shakes his head sweetly, this smile on his lips that I need to taste.
I reach for him but he backs away.
"I'm gonna ride you," he tells me.
"Oh you are, are you?"
"Yeah and you're gonna fucking love it, aint ya?"
"Not as much as you would enjoy me backing you."
"Later," he breathes all these promises in his eyes.
He relents to the kiss for a brief moment.
My hand is on his shoulder blade, and he covers it – slides it down to his arse.
"But first if you want this-" he says tightening my fingers around the taut globe. "You have to go sit down right?"
I begin to protest but he nods just once and there's something about this new dominance that makes me crave him even more. I leave him with a slap against his arse making his breath rush.
I stand in front of the bench and slip my thumbs under my swim shorts. He bites his lip as I pull them down, slowly - exposing just my treasure trail. I'm hoping this act is gonna make him come over here and submit. Instead he just grips hold of his own cock, pumping himself in slow circular movements.
Fuck.
I finish quickly, sitting down on the wooden bench. Like I'm a bloody sub or something. But I am so fucking hard and desperate for him. I open the condom with my teeth not losing eye contact. And then he's over with me, taking the condom from me.
"Let me," he tells me and there's less dominance, more plea, in his voice.
He keeps his eyes focused on me as he kneels in front of me, holds the condom in his hand and takes his mouth slowly around it. Jesus I've only ever seen this before, you know in films – I can't believe he still has tricks he hasn't shown me. He holds my gaze as he holds the condom between his plump lips. He uses his tongue to slide it down over me.
Lust beats through my every cell. Still I want to feign an act of triviality, however unconvincing, so I take a sip of the bottled water.
"Want some?" I ask, indicating the water as he pulls away.
And he nods. He tries to take it from me, but I pull it away.
"Let me," I echo and hold it to his lips, he moans as the water falls into his mouth.
A little dribbles down his chin and I bend forward and lick it up and I can see and I can feel and I can smell that this is making him as high as me.
He's more expert with the lube this time, and at least that means he's not been physically hurting as much. He watches me the entire time, you know with that look like he's trying to make me proud.
"Take a seat," I tell him when I know we're ready.
His movements are a little shaky as he stands up, arches his long legs around me to the other side of the bench. He takes my cock in his hand as he pushes me into him. He is so fucking tight and hot and I ache for him.
"Jesus," I whisper my voice so tight.
He smiles sweetly, "I'm Steven, me. Not Jesus."
"I thought you were Ste."
"Yeah…I like it when you call me Steven, though," he tells me and there's that honesty that beautiful vulnerable honesty that's just so easy for him - my incredible boy.
So I wrap my arms around his hips and lunge forward. I take his weight as I shift us to the edge of the bench. Slide in him deeper.
I hold my lips above his as I wait until those eyelashes part properly, till he's properly looking at me.
"I like it when I call you Steven, too." I tell him, give him the honesty I can. I can see by the way his eyes lighten and his lips part that he knows what it means – that it means a million words I would never say.
I take his lips and kiss him as he starts his movements over me, bending and arching. And I wanna kiss him the entire time I'm in him, I want to capture the noises of his climb and climax in my mouth. But he pushes his hands against my shoulders, pushes me back, and he's panting so fast it's like oxygen isn't enough.
"I can't – I'm gonna-" he speaks in short bursts.
"Come for me, please, Steven," I whisper.
And he comes alive, his skin flushing, trembling, sweating as it always does, his keens sharp and sweet as they always are, his arse so fucking incredibly tight.
I push deeper into him, gripping his hips, as I begin to erupt. His seed slashes hard against me.
His breathing is rushed and shallower than ever before. There is so much darkness in his eyes. And I know he can't see straight. He clings to me so hard it hurts and I know he's lost himself.
"It's OK," I say my promise that I will take care of him as he gives in and shatters.
I press my face into his neck as I feel my breath come back to normal - I came pretty hard myself.
He stays passive in my arms. I withdraw from him slowly, as I stroke my fingers through his hair. God he's incredible. With difficulty, because I don't wanna shift him from his nest, I take the condom off and clean us both up with the bottled water. I leave a little for him and take some for my own thirst.
"What just-" he says as he slowly comes back to me. "Did I just-"
"Yeah you passed out."
He blushes profusely, "must have been the heat musn't it? I mean never done that before, me."
"You were fucking incredible Steven." I tell him, press a kiss to silence his nerves.
A smile blushes against his lips.
"It was good, it felt good," he agrees.
I hand him the water, and he gulps it like he's thirsty.
I slide my hands over his arse, taking hold of him as I stand up.
"Hold me tighter, I'm gonna take you to bed now," I tell him and carry him all the way up the stairs.
He collapses into my bed like he belongs there - like he always has.
"I'm so hot," he breathes.
"Yeah you are."
He giggles. "No, I mean-"
"We can sleep naked," I tell him – after that I can guarantee neither of us are going to be ready for round two for a while longer.
"I'd like that," he says as he pulls me to him.
We tuck in together, he sleeps against my chest.
Eventually, he whispers, "Brady?"
"Hmmm…."
"Leah said today she likes this second part of their adventure better. It's fun livin' with the hairy man. I think she's right – innit?"
***K&M***
Steven has wrapped himself round me, an arm and a leg draped over me. Pulling me closer. His head resting underneath my chin. He soon falls asleep, snoring softly. My thoughts are unrelenting, not allowing me to drift off into oblivion with him. We didn't get to talking today. Never seemed to have a moment. The kids were about and then well…we don't seem to need dialect to communicate. It's always been easier for me to relate physically rather than verbally.
I do need to talk to him about what's gonna happen now. About what he - No. We. About what we are going to do. We're OK for a couple of days – Warren's spending Christmas in Las Vegas and I'm entitled to a couple of days away from the business – even men like me get "holiday". But in the long term? I can't take care of him and the twins - I can hardly take care of me. I can't let Chez know they were here, so I can't let them stay for the holidays. But what sort of monster would I be if I kicked them out at Christmas? So what's left? He can't get hurt. I can't send him home to them. I grit my teeth just thinking about them. Police aren't an option. Can't get them involved else he'll lose Leah and Lucas… Shit!
Then I recall Steven mentioning someone. An Uncle. Tony, Yeah that's right, Tony. Said he was always trying to help out like some fucking saint. Didn't try hard enough. But at least he did try. He sounded decent enough, owns some kind of business. Pretty respectable by all accounts. He could take them all in. Tomorrow I'll get Steven to invite him round and we can 'ave a chat. Yeah. That's what we'll do.
My thoughts seem to dispel a bit so my body starts to relax. I pull Steven just that little bit closer to me. He doesn't stir just lets out this little sigh of contentment. Like he thinks he's safe and protected here with me. The thought allows the need for sleep to nudge its way through. I feel myself giving in to it and my eyes start to close.