A/N:
Thank you so so so so so much for the extra amazing response for the last chapter you angst lovers you! We were both crazily chuffed :D
Seeing as this chapter links with the last one we're giving it to you extra early. It starts in the middle of the end of the last chapter, the Stendan scene in Brendan's kitchen – get it? And the end is sort of a 'preview' in a way of what happens next – a flash forward as it were – oooh how posh :P
RL sucks :( we've got yet another busy time ahead of ourselves – Kabr's turn to holiday herself this time so it's probably only gonna be one a week for a bit, we will be back to writing at full force soon though (and this is an extra long chapter to make up for it)!
Chapter Warning:
The angst hath commeth.
Chapter Thirteen – Steven Hay.
"Steven, you don't even know who I am," he says pressing his thumb to my lips.
But I do know him! I know who he is, right! I know he's involved in some dodgy shit but it don't matter to me. I know the little things too - he likes strawberry jam and it has to be seedless. I know he likes strong coffee in the mornin' with three sugars. I know he likes whiskey and his favourite is that Irish one. What's it called? Jameson's. Yeah that's it. See, I do know him! I know he likes listening to Johnny Cash. I know he loves his boys more than anything. And I know he feels it too, when he sweeps my fringe off my face and looks right into my eyes. At least I think he does.
As I'm staring at him there's this silence and I see it. And it hits me, proper hard, and forces me to take a little step backwards.
"This, what you're saying, it's more than just us leavin here, innit? You're saying it's over, you and me, us, you're saying-"
"There never was any us." he interrupts emotionless.
He turns and walks away. Just fuckin' walks away! Leaves me standing there feelin' like my whole word has come crashin' down again.
***K&M***
After hours of silence I can't stand it no more and go up to one of the spare rooms. I find a photo of Bren and the boys on the chest of draws. The boys are both smilin' and although Bren is too I can see the smile hasn't quite reached his eyes and I wonder when this was taken. I pick it up and stare at it, images of me and the twins appear in the photo with them, all of us smiling. Bren has his arm round me and the kids are huddled next to each other and we all look proper 'appy.
The image disappears as Bren walks in and I quickly hide the frame. We attempt a forced smile at each other and he leaves the room. I lie down and hug the photo proper tight. I feel tears start to well up in me eyes. I don't know how but I manage to fall asleep.
When I wake in the morning, alone in the spare room I know I have to put a proper brave face on for the twins, like I always have. I can't break down in front of them. I get them up, pack some stuff and make them some breakfast. I explain we are off to stay with Uncle Tony for a bit. On the doorstep the twins both thank Bren and hug him. Leah tells me off for being rude and not thanking him too.
"We've already talked, princess." I say, stroking her hair protectively.
I hear him say my name but I just turn towards him without eye contact shake his hand. Staring at our touchin' hands I feel the electricity shoot between us. But then everything about the last few days comes rushin' back and as I let go as a crazy laugh escapes my lips.
I get the kids in Bren's car that's waitin' to take us to the train station to meet Uncle Tony. As I finish strappin' them in something makes me walk back to the house and I knock on the front door. Bren opens it quickly and I know he's been standin' there waitin' to see if I come back.
I open me mouth and the words just start tumblin' out. "You said, yesterday you said you're used to pushing this stuff away and that's what you're doing now, and you're just doing this cos right now it feels easier innit? It's not what you want though is it? I know – I know you. And I know this is difficult but you aint gonna be happy if I go. And you don't need to worry or owt - we don't need looking after. I can look after the twins meself and I will get a job and that. Just this, this it don't have to be over."
"I'm no good for you, Steven," he argues.
I try and convince him he is, convince him that we'd still be out on the streets if it weren't for him. But he's not listenin'! He's not gettin' it! So it just comes out, I say it loud to make sure he hears.
"I love you!"
He just stares at me for a moment then says, "Shut up, just-"
No, I aint havin' that! Not after everythin'! He's the only one who's ever let me talk and has wanted to hear what I have to say so I'm gonna shut him up this time. I lean in and kiss him hard on the lips.
He pulls back and I almost hear him whimper. He's lookin' at the floor and I will him to look up at me. When he does, I don't know what I can see in his eyes. Why is he doin' this?! I don't understand why he don't kiss me back. Then his fingers touch my face before his hand slides to the back of my head and he pulls me in for a kiss. A deep passionate kiss and it feels amazin' when his lips are on mine and he's ownin' every part of my mind. I can't think of anythin' else but him.
He pulls back from the kiss and rests his forehead against mine, before lookin' towards the floor and saying three words which nearly destroy me.
"That was goodbye."
What? No?! I don't get it! It's not goodbye!
He looks up at me and shouts, "get out my face!"
"No…." I plead with him.
"Go! Now!" He says pushin' me away from him.
I walk out the front door and towards the twins in the car. I get in as confusion completely takes over. I thought he wanted me, wanted us.
As we drive off I look out the window at the house getting' smaller in the distance. I can hardly make out what the twins are sayin' to me as we make our way to Tony. I look at Leah and Lucas and they've both stopped smiling.
***K&M***
We get to the station and when I see Tony I can just see that something's not right. It's in his posture or something, like his shoulders are hunched.
I leave the twins lookin' at toys in Smiths as I go to talk to him – he'll tell me what's up. He always does.
And then, when I make me way over to him, I see him. Not Tony.
Terry.
He's here.
We aint gonna be nowhere near safe.
I'm panicked more than surprised. If Tony was safe he would have got us out before – he wouldn't have left me with Terry when he knew. I tried to tell Bren when I knew what he had planned, but he don't care about any of us no more. I can't let the twins go back to Terry, I know what he were planning. So I think on my feet and get us out of there.
To get em away from the station I play tag with 'em. Run up the road before I know where we were going. But I think about it and I remember the only place that was safe when things were really dead bad.
***K&M***
Now we're sitting waiting in this big brick building. I guess we're in like a waiting room thing but there are barely any toys unlike in a dentist or a doctors or something - so I help the twins make paper airplaines to try t' stop 'em getting bored. Lucas was already complaining we had to walk up a big 'ill to get here. There's a woman behind a desk surrounded by glass – Leah thought she was like a robot when we first got 'ere, she got all scared. And the room she's sitting in is proper odd, it's like surrounded with glass. The phone keeps ringing and stressing her out, she seems nice enough though.
I've never been here before. Though I met a lady from here once when I was at primary, like mainly when Leah and Lucas were nearly here and just born and that. She was nice that lady. She used to come and see me at school and she worked out I liked art so we'd do drawings together and stuff. And she'd ask me loads'a questions about my family and that. She said if I was ever scared I could come 'ere and she gave me a phone number. Not sure the same applies now that I'm older but I'm here really for the twins. Another woman like her came to see us and all, like a couple of years ago when Leah's arm got broke. She weren't too fussed about me then but spent a while with Leah, meant she got to miss PE which she was dead happy about. Stressed Mam and Terry out loads though but they don't talk to me about things like that – Terry says it'd be a waste of time.
Leah and Lucas came from Mum real early. Leah loves being told that – that she was fast even at birth. It was a pretty hard time though. They had to stay in hospital for like a long time and Mum was really sad, she wanted a load o' gear to get her through so that's when I had to start stealin'; and Mam and Terry fought loads mostly about me. Sometimes I think if I were never here Terry wouldn't have been so stressed at Mam all the time and they wouldn't of fought so much and they might have been able to stay off gear and Leah and Lucas could have a proper normal happy childhood. Sometimes. But then I look at the scar on Lucas' wrist and those thoughts turn to anger. If I weren't here to protect them, no-one else would.
This woman comes out from behind this security padlocked door. She's about fifties, frizzy crazy red hair looks like wire, proper pale skin, massive thick rim glasses and a wart on her nose. The twins cower behind me, I give Lucas a look and he stops pointing at the ladies nose.
"Steve," she says, and I go to correct her but she's already half way along her next sentence, introducing herself. "I'm Ms Hayton, senior social worker, if you could come with me, Leanne and Luke should stay here."
Leah pulls at my sleeve to try to stop me leavin' but I just try to smile at her – reassuring like. This'll make stuff better won't it?
We go into this literally box room. It's tiny and the table is tiny and plastic and the chair is broken and there's this dead bad smell. She makes me coffee which just tastes of dirty water and I miss Brady's machine. She asks me why I'm here and then stares at me, proper stares at me. So I tell her about Tony and how when we got to the station Terry was there and how Tony always knew Terry wasn't safe cos he saw those scars when he took me swimming but then he did nothing. I don't tell her owt 'bout Brady, none of her business, 'spec' seeing as he wants to be none of ours. And I think, between me and you, that I'm a little bit scared about what she'd make of him and whether he'd get into trouble; y'know cos I were sixteen when we started and y'know cos of the suitcase of money and how that was made.
I tell her what's going on at home, with the drugs and the stealin and the hungriness and stuff. She keeps scribblin away on this notepad, her pen going proper fast and I can't real make out what any word says. She begins to look at me like she's already heard enough so I don't tell her about those men, and the guy with the knife - the stuff that wasn't sex, though that's the real reason why I had to take my sis and bro away.
When I stop and her pen stops she says, "so you're-" and she flicks through papers for a bit- "seventeen?"
"Yes ma'am, eighteen next September," I don't really know why I feel the need to add that.
She sighs, looks proper stressed, and says, "do you have somewhere to go tonight?"
And I get the feeling that the wrong answer would be 'no', y'know even if that were the truth. So I lie and tell her I do and she smiles at me – I think that's the first time she actually proper smiles at me.
She says all these words I don't understand – starts talking about court and law and stuff but I was never good at all that so it kinda goes over my head.
She stands up collects all her notes together and says, "right lets go back to the twins so you can say goodbye."
***K&M***
I think I'd misheard her, at first. I mean why would I need to say goodbye to them – I'm the one that looks after em. She makes us wait for another dead long time in the waiting room, Leah and Lucas start to get hungry and I only have an orange I stole from Brady's this morning so I split it and give 'em half each. When the lady comes out it's with this man, who I swear is like a dwarf with glasses, without saying anything he reaches out to stroke Leah's hair and she shucks under my arm.
"So you do have somewhere to go tonight Steve, don't you?" The lady asks.
And I again get the impression the wrong answer would be no so I lie. They both smile at me – the man and the lady.
"Right well we'll be in touch about when you can see the twins – we'll try to make it before Christmas for a couple of hours but we can't make any promises. Thanks for the information. Let us know if you have any questions. You can go now."
What? I proper don't get any of this.
"OK sweeties," the lady says, bending down on her hands and knees in front of my bro and sis. "We have a lovely couple who can look after you for a bit, they've got a really nice house by the river you'll like that won't you? They'll be your foster parents."
***K&M***
I didn't know that was gonna happen.
Leah proper cried, asked me why I didn't love her anymore. Lucas just went dead quiet, wouldn't let go of my hand.
I didn't know that was goodbye.
They're my bro and sis right? If I knew it was goodbye I wouldn't have let it. I mean I guess they're safe now. I guess they're better now innit?
Course they are it's just – I didn't know that were goodbye.
But they gone now, gone to live with that lady what was her name? Like Mrs O'connor yeah. She seemed pretty cool and said she was excited for Leah and Lucas to go and live with her and her husband. She looked proper mummsy, blonde hair in a ponytail, flowers on her dress – mam never looked like that. I think they'll be OK there. And she even made Leah smile when all I could do was make her cry.
But what about me – what about me now? Everything I've ever done was to protect 'em. So now they're not here I do…what? I guess I didn't think they'd look after me too, well not really. Though Mrs O'Connor had real kind eyes. I just thought that wouldn't be goodbye.
It's dead cold now. Rains proper come in, which is OK cos none of these strangers in the street know I'm crying. But it's dead cold. I didn't notice it before, but the cold's got right through my jeans and my jacket –these clothes Brady bought me.
I still know he didn't want us to go, not really. He looked like he wanted to be sad but couldn't remember how so was just being angry cos it's easier.
But he wanted me to live with them before didn't he? Like back when he didn't know about the twins – he wanted me to be the boys' nanny. And that was before everythin', before he really knew me and I knew him. Before all that that's made us closer - before this week and before he held my hand in the street, and looked after us, and before we made lo-
No he said I wasn't to call it that.
Whatever he wants from me I could do that now. Like be his nanny or whatever – now there's nowt to go home for and nowt to protect I could be whatever he wants of me. So I'll go and tell him, I'll go and say I accept his offer and then I won't go nowhere near him if he wants and I wont demand nowt and I'll give him the eighty grand back and tell him he can stop spending money. I mean he bought so much for me and the twins - we must have been dead expensive, so I wont even ask for nanny pay – got nowt to spend it on now anyway.
Yeah. That's what I'll do.
As I walk up the hill to Brady's house it's under a rainbow and that's like a sign of luck or sommit innit? Maybe this has always been the right thing to do.
***K&M***
My hearts like proper beatin' hard in my chest as I knock on the door. This woman answers it. She's like probably about thirty. She has a massive smile with dead red lipstick and crazy coloured eye shadow like green and pink. Lookin' at her makes me think about the way Brady looked when Leah put make up on him and my heart sort of squeezes a little.
I ask for Brady and she shouts for him. He yells back he'll be a minute. He sounds proper hassled, and I remember how I 'elped him relax – I can't help it.
The woman stops me from coming in - her hand like on the door when her others on her hip. She sort of tilts her head to the side – that expression I seen Brady do when he meets someone new. Her eyes like readin' me or sommit. She looks proper confident, but it's different from Brady's, hers like says she knows she's a good person.
"So, who are you?" she asks, she's got this Irish accent but it sounds different from Brady's.
"Ste…err I mean Steven, I'm the -" boyfriend "- baby sitter," I say – silencin that voice inside me – he'd be dead angry if I said that.
Paddy walks past then, head in his Nintendo as always, lifts his head and smiles at me.
"Hi Ste, didn't know you were coming tonight."
"Ah I'm not really mate, just have something I need to talk to your Dad about. But soon though yeah?" I hope.
"Yes, I'd like that," he smiles – he's so polite 'e is, speaks proper good. I wonder if Leah and Lucas would be turning into that now they being looked after by the woman in the flower dress.
I look back at the blonde. She's playin' with this big necklace, it's proper odd cos it don't really seem to go with the rest of her. As in she looks dead posh but the necklace is kinda chavvy – like the sort of thing Mam would wear. It's fake gold and has the letters "OMG" like those stupid Essex people are always saying.
"I'm Cheryl Brady, I'm Brendan's sister." She says, sticking her hand out for me to shake. She sort of squeezes her lips together and narrows her eyes like she's try'na see something that's a bit blurry. She asks, "how long have you known my brother?"
"Errr I guess I've been like sitting for him since 'bout May."
Tenth of May. But I act as if I don't remember the exact date, like I could ever forget the day that started everythin'.
"How old are you?"
"Seventeen," I say quick – I'm getting kinda defensive with the way she's lookin at me.
She's like starin' proper at me so I stare at her back.
"Steven," as soon as he says my name I feel a proper smile on my lips for the first time in 'ours.
I look at him and for a second he looks dead pleased to see me - his eyes are proper bright blue and there's a small smile pullin on his lips – you know that proper one. It's gone quick though, the smile, and when she looks at 'im it's dead gone.
"Thanks Chez," he says, as he pulls on his jacket.
He clasps me by the shoulder and takes me around the side of the 'ouse.
"What do you think you're doing back here Steven? Where's Tony? Where are the twins?"
It all comes out in one big rush – turning up at the station and Tony bein' with Terry and then taking the twins to the council and how I thought they'd wanna protect me too but Mrs O'connor didn't want me.
"So now like I don't have no-one," I say. "No family, no bro or sis, no-" no you, I don't say that.
He looks dead distressed. Blinks. And then looks proper angry, like he's pissed his plan didn't work. He paces a little. When he stops his head goes into his hands so I place my hand on his shoulder, try'na comfort him right? But he just shoves me off.
He turns on his heel slowly. He stares at the suitcase you know with the money in and blinks dead slow again. And then he looks at me like he's forgotten who I am.
"What can I do ya for Steven?"
He's proper scarin' me. Actin proper weird. So I do what I do when I'm nervous and say too much.
"I was thinkin' right, about that nanny thing, you know when you wanted me to stay 'ere and look after the boys and now Leah and Lucas are OK, you know, I can-"
My words stop though – just in the way he's starin' at me.
"We're done here," he tells me.
But we're so not, I can see how untrue that is every time he looks at me.
"You need to go, Steven," he says turning away from me.
I sniff like buildin' strength. He's proper closed off from me – but I won't let him.
"You do realise if I go, you're never ever gonna see me again?" I ask him.
I don't realise how 'orrible that sounds till I actually say it – I can't live a day without him let alone my whole lifetime.
"Have a nice life, Steven," he says like dead cold – but he's not like this. I know he cares about me, and I saw that look – earlier when he came to the door, the look like pure happiness. That's what he feels when he sees me – like actual happiness.
"No. I know you Brady, right that look then!" I insist, walking closer up to him, he tries to turn away from me but I step around him.
He just stays dead quiet but he's stopped moving away now. I can feel the 'eat of him so close to me. I can feel our chemistry buzzing in the dead air.
"Come on just ask me, just ask me to stay with you, you know that I will." I'm getting proper desperate now – I can't do this without him.
And I can see it, his 'eart, his proper thoughts – I can see past this big burly defence wall he's built. I can see he needs me as much as I need him. He'd know it too if he'd only look at me.
"Bren please just ask."
He sighs like proper deep and I think he's gonna walk away again but he turns to face me. Not properly though cos 'is eyes are still on the frozen ground.
We stay there for like what feels like hours, but probably not that long at all. It's like we stepped into a bubble and it won't matter if it starts pourin or nothin' cos we'd still stand here facin' each other but not properly facin' each other. Like we're pulled together and we can't release. It's like how it was before - you know when I touched him for the first time. Like he's try'na resist me but he's failin. It's that sort of intensity but more now cos I'm different and he's different, and we can be together now – properly. And I know, I just know, that he wants that too.
His eyes keep flashin up to my lips, my eyes, my lips and then back down at the ground again. He keeps doin it, again and again, and I feel like I can hear all the thoughts in his head. All the resistance and arguments but louder than those is how much he wants me, needs me, how he feels he can't live without me neither. I think about all the times we kissed, like I can see them in his eyes right? All of them, and those last few times when it meant more than kissin'. I know he felt as much as I did when our lips met this last week - he all but told me. So I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna kiss him cos he'll know then. He'll know we're meant.
I'm a little bit scared though, truth be told. I mean, today's been full of goodbyes hasn't it? And I don't want another and I think if he rejects me I won't be able to stop cryin everythin' away. Cryin in that way I do only with him. Cos that's what he does – makes me so close to emotion.
So I'm scared. I'm gonna do this, though. There's not owt that can stop me now.
I lean toward him kinda hesistant. I keep starin at his eyes just in case this is the wrong thing. But as soon as our lips meet he kisses me back. He does. It's fluid like he's drinking from me – cos that's what we mean to each other - everything.
He kisses me just once.
And then he pushes back and says my name in protest like he don't want this. But his forehead rests against mine, like it was after he was inside me that last time – you remember? Like he didn't wanna stop touching me. So I don't give him any space from me. I shake my 'ead, let him know it's OK, and we're like magnets or something cos he comes back to me.
He touches me. I can't believe it but his hand goes to my neck to pull me in for more – he wants me to kiss him! Doesn't want me to stop. In the moment are lips are dancing I'm so happy. My hearts like buzzin and poundin and singin. This is it! I know this is it. I cup his head and pull him in for more. This is what I dreamed of – a family Christmas and now we're together we can get Leah and Lucas back and be a proper family, for every day.
He's kissing me!
But…
He pushes me away.
With one hand on my shoulder he pushes me away. Pushes me proper away from him, and he won't look at me again. His eyes are like shut as he stares at the ground.
"Please," he says, and I can hear he's so scared, cos of all that stuff he told me – it's all so new for him. I know all of his doubts and all of his fears but everything will be OK won't it? As long as we're together, it will all be perfect.
"No, look it's OK," I tell him – cos it will be.
He looks at me like he wants to believe me, but his eyes get taken to the house behind him.
I step closer to him. I wanna tell him we can do this together. I go in for another kiss but he pushes me back. He pushes me like proper hard. And my foot gets caught on ice or sommit. I'm suddenly fallen down. My legs pulled back proper uncomfortable.
I'm proper winded. It takes a while to get my breath. I rub at my ankle, refusing the tears.
When I blink back to him he's lookin' at me proper worried. He steps closer to me, with a hand to pull me up but I'm not gonna take it now am I? When he don't want me to.
He don't want me nowhere near him, that much is obvious now. He don't want me cos I'm nothing. He sees me now and he knows I'm good for nothing, useless, thick, a waste of air. He knows all the stuff he's ever said about me was wrong – he knows I'm not dynamite. And he knows that all those things Mam and Terry have said about me are true.
I'll go back to it then. I'll go back 'ome. I was only ever kiddin' myself with all these dreams about me and Brady. All these dreams that I might be able to be somethin'. I'll take his money for Mam's drugs make her proper pleased of me and rob for 'em and do whatever else I can for money and be exactly the person I am. That person that's nothin'.
Cos I'm nothin' aren't I?
I get myself up, ignore his hand and pick up the bag. Limp off away from him.
"Steven, I'm sorry," he shouts from behind me but I don't even hear him.
***K&M***
A couple of days later I'm drinking the last of the fifty I stole from Terry in some sleazy back street bar – it's three o'clock in the afternoon and I'm just about to meet him – you know the bloke who changes the rest of my story. It's an Irish bar, I guess I might be try'na torture myself or sommit. But at least it means none of Terry's gang are gonna come in, the only people that are here are those that look like they spend their lives drinking. I've had six pints, or was that seven? It's enough to make the world a little fuzzy around the edges, and I'm laughing at the irony of havin' to go back to that shelter tonight – laughing at my stupidity, I really thought I was gonna be safe with Brady. I don't actually realise I'm laughin out loud though.
"Alright there?" This dead posh voice asks.
I look up and he don't look the sort to drink in here, he don't actually look the sort to drink in the middle of the day anywhere. He's wearing a suit and first off I think he might be a teacher or sommit – he has that sort of look.
I nod once, and hide back under my hoody.
"You were laughin' – wanna share the joke?"
"Not really," I say but he sits down anyway.
"Get you a drink?" He asks, and indicates over to the barman. This is a backstreet Irish bar right – it's not the sort to do table service but he must be known or sommit cos the barman brings us over two more pints.
"Look mate, I don't know what your problem is," I say "but I didn't mean to be laughin innit?"
"It's no problem. You look cute when you laugh."
We share five pints – he pays, and then he says he has a job offer. He makes it sound all alluring – offers me good pay, says I don't have to go back to the shelter, offers me a bed for the night and every night that I make him money. It's not the sort of job I wanna do, it's not the sort of job I would have ever considered doing for myself before. Before Brendan Brady wrecked everything. But I don't have nothing to lose now. And anyway he seems like an alright sort – posh suit, good haircut and he has this kinda nice smile. So I said he changed my story right? Course I end up agreeing, and as we leave the bar together, he says.
"You never told me your name."
"Ste – Ste Hay."
He takes my hand and shakes it, firm like.
"Patrick Blake."