All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 3

***Again, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! It means a lot. I'm on spring break right now so I've been able to update everybody, but I do have to go back to school soon, so I'll try to update at least 2 times per week. This fic won't be a super long one – I'm thinking 10 chapters maximum. Anyways, thanks so much, and if there's anything that you think I could improve on, I would be happy to know! ***

Chapter 3

April stepped back from the table and sighed in satisfaction. "Okay, we're all done here. Dr. Wilson, could you close for me, please?" Jo grinned at her from beneath her scrub mask.

"Really? Me?"

"Yes, you. Now hurry up, I've got somewhere to be, so just don't kill the guy. Dr. Simon, you can oversee." Simon was the third year resident holding the clamps.

After scrubbing out of surgery, she hurried quickly to meet Jackson where they'd planned. April slowed down, telling herself there was no reason to run this fast to meet a friend, but she seemed to always speed up again. She'd ended up in surgery that morning, so she hadn't completely lied to Matt. It had been a six year old that had come in with a tender abdomen that turned into an appendectomy, only a half hour surgery, but still a surgery.

She spotted Jackson, sitting on a gurney against the wall. He was reading through a hefty cream-colored file. As she got closer, she could make out the name "John Greenway" on the front in black letters. Jackson looked up at her and closed the file. He smiled nervously.

Damn those eyes, April thought. Don't get sucked in. She already felt the urge to straddle him and buck her hips against his. She smiled back timidly. "Hey," she sat down beside him. They awkwardly glanced at each other, and then stared at the brick wall on the opposite side of the hallway. "So…what did you want to talk to me about?" April asked.

"I, well…I got this call." Jackson looked sideways at her. She was looking at him, but trying to avoid his gaze. "From a guy, a plastic surgeon in New York. John Greenway. He was Sloan's guy. I mean, his mentor. Sloan used to talk about him all the time." Jackson paused. April had made eye contact with him; she was biting her lip in that adorable way and looking at him expectantly. It took every inch of his willpower not to kiss her, very passionately. He didn't realize how long he'd stopped talking and just been staring into her gaze until she looked down awkwardly.

"So, what happened? What was he phoning about?" April became conscious of how close they were sitting. Their baggy navy blue scrubs were almost touching. She frankly just wanted to tear off his scrubs and then her own. She looked at the brick wall again, trying hard to shake that thought from her head. She could feel a slight blush spreading over her cheeks. Maybe this is why we've stopped spending time together, she thought.

"Well, he's doing this big groundbreaking trial, and he wants me to be a part of it. Well, not be just a part of it, he wants me to help him run it, like 50/50. But that would mean me moving to New York, for I don't know how long, but at least 2 years. And I know that's a long time, and technically I own a hospital now, but I really hate it. I mean, there's things I like, but everything else just overshadows it. And I don't know, it just seems like a good idea. I'm really interested in that type of research. Greenway says it's the forefront of plastic and reconstructive surgery, and he's right. This will – it'll make my career my own, not my family's. Plus, Mark would've wanted me to go. Actually, he would have kicked my ass if he didn't." Jackson smiled slightly and looked over at April, adding a dry, nervous laugh. Again, he'd been staring at the wall to avoid getting lost in her gaze. She was looking intently at him, with a tilted head, an unidentifiable look in her eyes. He desperately wanted to know what she was thinking. Another silence stretched between them as Jackson waited for April to say something.

"Well, do you want to go? I mean, it's a big decision and you do run a hospital." April's voice went all airy at the end, as she tried to feign a dry laugh. "It does sound like an amazing opportunity, though. You deserve something like this." She was being honest, but in a very clipped way. Inside, she was trying to fight down so many emotions. Jackson, leaving? She'd been trying desperately to let him go and shake him out of her mind, but she'd never thought of him not being there.

"Yeah. I do. I mean, I like my job here, but it's so hard with all the administrative crap and the way everybody treats me. They play kiss ass with me to get what they want because, technically, I represent the Harper Avery Foundation, and they own the hospital. It's just another way that my family controls me. So maybe I need to make my name on my own and then come back to work here again. I just – I don't know, I really need to do something. Be the surgeon I want to be, I guess. " Jackson swallowed, looking at April, waiting anxiously for what she would say.

April nodded; the expression on her face was one of worry. "But you're still thinking about it, right? You haven't made a decision?" Her voice shook a little bit, and she hoped Jackson wouldn't notice. She glanced down at the thick file beside Jackson, with the now hostile, bold letters reading "Greenway."

Jackson paused. His anger and frustration from last night had resulted in a confirmation, but despite knowing it was the right decision, needing to move on, something was holding him back. "Well, yeah, I did make up my mind. I gave Greenway the go ahead. I wasn't sure and that's why I came to talk to you last night. I wanted to know what you would think. But, I've made a decision now. I think it's right. Greenway already gave me the files." He picked up the creamy colored folder and waved it in the air. "Anyways, like I said, I just wanted to talk to you about it. " April looked up at him, glad that he had wanted to talk to her. Yet the feeling of hysteria was slowly rising in her stomach. She blurted out her next words; ones that she knew were the rights ones to say. Underneath all her current thoughts, she was happy for her best friend. Her heart and her stomach were saying otherwise.

"That'll be great. For you, I mean. Start a new life, a career for real. And it'll be nice to work with Mark's old mentor. I'm glad y-you're doing this." She forced out a small smile, her lips still together. She started to nervously run her fingers through her hair. Somehow more of a space had formed between her and Jackson. They were no longer almost touching. April's pager started to beep; she leaned over to check it and then jumped up.

"Oh, I-I've got to go. Motorcycle crash. Err…talk to you later?"

Jackson nodded. "Yeah," he said quietly, clenching the folder in his hand. His knuckles were almost white. He was all of a sudden hit with this massive wave of rage, though at exactly what, he didn't know. April had started to jog away, hurrying down to the pit, when he called out.

"I just need to know, do I – did I ever mean anything to you? Like, when we were having sex and sort of dating – I mean, that was never clear, but did I mean anything? Or when we were best friends? Or are you just so relieved that I'll be gone so you can go off with your paramedic? So you can forget all about what happened all over again?" His tone was icy, and a little sneering.

April narrowed her eyes and frowned, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't think I – we mattered to you. You just want to get on with your life the way you planned it. You made it pretty damn clear from all the stuff you said. I'm just the idiot that didn't realize that till later. I don't matter. You don't care." His voice was shaking with anger. Jackson crossed his arms and sat rigidly, looking at April defiantly from where he sat on the gurney.

There was a moment of tense silence as April processed his words, a look of anger appearing on her face as well. So many emotions were coursing through her; shock, anger, sadness, disbelief, disappointment, rage. Rage won in the end as she stormed up to Jackson, red hair waving behind her shoulders. She pulled him to standing by a fistful of his scrubs top and looked up at him.

"You don't get to tell me we didn't matter. You don't." Her voice was deeper and stormier than he had ever heard it. She had a very determined and defiant expression on her face as her eyes bored into his, her hand still clenching the navy blue fabric. "You were my best friend. My best friend. And I-I made a commitment to myself, a promise to what I believe in. Jackson, all that stuff I said, it never had anything to do with you. I knew I wasn't going to stop sleeping with you, no matter what I thought, because there was a pull. We thought I was pregnant and you-you told me you were ready to marry me. And maybe I didn't tell you, but I wanted that with you. I did. But I was also relieved that our lives wouldn't change, there wouldn't be a baby to rise after a shotgun wedding. But if I remember correctly, you broke it off, you-" Her voice was starting to rise as Jackson cut her off.

"April, look-" He tried to interrupt, tell her he was sorry. He was just angry and stressed and he took it out on her, but April wouldn't let him.

"No, you moved on first, you started sleeping with Stephanie. And it took me a long time to get rid of that pull I had to you. A lot longer. You mattered to me so much. You still do. But now I've set myself straight again and you are not going to tell me I didn't care. You are not." She released her grip on his scrub shirt and stood stiffly with her hands at her side, looking indignantly up at him. She turned around abruptly and started to walk away at a hurried pace. Jackson sighed and April could feel his blue-green eyes, the eyes that she'd spent the entire conversation trying not to get sucked into, bore into the back of her. He looked at her retreating figure, the figure he loved more than any other woman's simply because she was so beautiful and she was her. He snapped back into attention as he realized what he'd said as his anger dispersed.

"April, I didn't mean-" she turned around abruptly.

"I want you to go since you're my best friend." Her tone was dismissive as she turned around and pushed out of the tunnel's doors on her way to the pit. Jackson slumped back down on the gurney once he realized he'd been standing, immobilized since April had roughly pulled him up. He could still see her walking away, the way her hair flew out behind her, hear the squeak of her sneakers

Why was I so angry? Why, all of a sudden, had he said those things? He hadn't really thought any of them were true, for the most part, but he needed to know. He hadn't known he was going to say them, but he'd thought them for nights on end as he lay in his bed, trying to stop thinking of April, which never worked. They plagued him all day, the thoughts of what she thought of him. Did it matter? Did we matter to her? What was I to her? He was actually still trying to sort out what she was to him. He loved her, he knew that, but she was his best friend and he knew what would make her happy, and that wasn't him, though he himself desperately thought otherwise. He knew he had been willing to marry her, more than willing, actually, have a baby and raise it with her. But then he had decided it was enough; when they found out she wasn't pregnant, he'd been sick and tired of hearing her thoughts on their relationship, so he'd called it off. As much as he tried to convince himself it had been best for both of them, he'd regretted it since the moment he'd done it. The feeling of missing her, even in the minute after she'd gone, didn't fade away. Everything had become a mess of unspoken words and feelings and thoughts and her and him. He just didn't know what to do anymore. He sighed heavily, opened Greenway's file, and continued reading.

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April rushed up to the pit. She was incredibly late, her pager kept going off, but she kept going down the wrong hallways and into the wrong doors. She was glad that Jackson hadn't been able to see her expression as she'd walked away from him. It had been one of sadness and anxiety, she was sure. She couldn't believe she'd said those things to him. Not until they'd been coming out of her mouth, at least. As soon as they had, they had just kept coming. She hadn't planned them; she hadn't even entirely known she'd thought them, yet they were true. She wanted that with him. A baby, a house, a backyard; a life. Had wanted, she corrected herself.

April tried to calm the sensation of her stomach flip-flopping, but she couldn't stop herself from feeling so upset. He was leaving her. Well, not her, but he was leaving. She knew she was being selfish, since she knew that the clinical trial in New York was exactly what Jackson needed, she'd even told him so, but she didn't want him to leave. No matter what April tried to tell herself – she had Matt, Jackson needed a new start, distance could make them better friends, but all she wanted was him in Seattle with her. She shook her head to get rid of her thousand emotions as she put on a yellow trauma gown. The bustling ER was a wonderful representation of her head and how she was feeling.

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Eventually Jackson got up from the gurney, and took the file to his office to finish reading. April threw herself into a 6 hour surgery on a motorcycle crash victim to forget her and Jackson's words as long as possible. But both of them were still with each other, sitting rigidly in the tunnels and remembering the feeling of almost touching, and thinking of what it would have felt like if they had.

***Please review! I'll try to update as soon as possible, hopefully on Thursday. ***