All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 4
***So, in anticipation of 9x20 (which airs tonight!) here's the 4th chapter as promised. Sorry, I know it's a little late, but I am a west coaster so the episode isn't for a few more hours. I think I forgot to mention this before, but this is my first fanfic and my first time using , so I'm still trying to figure lots of things out, so hopefully you guys think it's going pretty smoothly. Anyways, thanks so much for reading and reviewing! Hopefully I can get chapter 5 up sometime this weekend, and chapter 6 if I have time…***
Chapter 4
It was a rare day of good weather in Seattle. April admired how the sun's rays cast onto the Space Needle and illuminated it for all those looking up, as she herself did so from Matthew's car. Matt had slept over on her couch last night and had offered her a ride to work since their shifts started at the same time. She watched the 6 AM traffic rush past and tried to listen to Matthew talk about all his cases rom the day before. She had surgery with Jackson this morning, which caused her stomach to twist into multiple painful knots. She didn't know how she was going to be able to look at him, much less talk to him, after all the things she'd said yesterday. He was leaving for New York, which left her feeling heartbroken, though she tried to ignore that, but she also wanted to know more about his trial there. She just didn't know how to form the words to ask him, she was still so upset. After Matt and her had finished their movie, she had gone to her room and lay on her bed, tears of frustration running onto the pillow. She had been glad that she was sleeping alone and Matt hadn't joined her. Normally, she tried to get him to, but he had strict boundaries and he was still under the impression that she was a virgin. She would have felt guilty lying next to him, desperately trying to hide her thoughts and feelings on other guy. She was going to miss Jackson so much.
"There was this one guy who we had to shock in the field, after he fell 40 feet from a window. His bones were absolutely shattered and we could tell there was a lot of internal bleeding. Did you get that case?" Matt looked over at his girlfriend with his adorable grin, his eyes full of concern, both hands on the wheel. He squinted out at the surrounding lanes of traffic. April liked that he was a cautious driver. It made her feel safe. The multiple times she'd been in a car with Jackson, he had always driven so fast, switching from lane to lane constantly to pass cars. April had always found herself clutching the edge of the seat and tensing up.
"April?" Matt looked over at her worriedly. "Did you hear what I said?" She looked over at Matthew, and realized that, again, she'd gotten caught up in comparing Jackson and Matt.
"Guy who fell forty feet, uh…no, I didn't. I was in surgery then." She smiled at him. "Do you know if he made it through?"
"I hope so," Matt said, furrowing his brow.
"I can check for you today, if you want. Give you a full report when I see you tonight?" April adored how concerned he got over the people he helped save.
"That would be great," he said appreciatively. "It's funny, whenever we drop somebody off at the hospital, I always wonder whether or not you'll get that person. I always feel better about the people I know you get as patients."
"You make me sound so amazing." April laughed, placing her hand on his leg.
"That's because you are. Seriously, my girlfriend is an awesome surgeon." He took one of his hands of the steering wheel and laced his fingers through April's. She blushed slightly.
"You've never even seen me operate before, though."
"Yeah, but I just know. We paramedics see the best and worst of you guys. And you're definitely one of the best." His tone was very sincere.
"Well, thanks. Speaking of you never seeing me operate before, maybe I could sneak you into the gallery one time? Then you can actually see me save one of your patients." She grinned at him and raised her eyebrows, then glanced back out the window at the approaching turn off to the hospital.
"I would love to see you operate. Just let me know if you can."
"I'll make it work." She curled her fingers tighter around his, staring at the license plate of the car in front of them. Matthew continued to ramble on about his cases. She tried to calm down her stomach, which was a twisted knot of nerves as she thought of how the four-hour surgery with Jackson could go. She rested her head on the cool passenger side window.
"We brought in this poor little girl who couldn't stop throwing up blood. I think the Karev guy got her and also your pregnant friend, oh, uh…Meredith's her name." Matt made the signal and turned into the hospital parking lot. "And after that, I went to your apartment just like I'll do tonight." He leaned over and have her a quick kiss on the lips as she turned and took her forehead off the window.
"See you later," April said as she grabbed her bad and shut the car door, watching as Matthew walked quickly over to the ambulance in the early morning sun. She took a deep breath as she walked towards the doors of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, to what she thought would be the most awkward hours of her life.
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Jackson and April stood silently, both focused intensely on their hands as they scrubbed them after surgery. The surgery had gone very well; the woman had her hernia taken care of and a smaller stomach to boot. It wasn't as awkward as April had thought it was going to be, either. Jackson had already scrubbed in when she got there, waiting, and they just nodded at each other before starting. They'd started out avoiding eye contact, but had talked about what they were going to do at each stage. Jackson had kept cracking lame jokes, but April laughed anyways because it was nice to spend time laughing with him. He'd complained about his mom and all the administrative forms, and April offered advice from what she remembered from being chief resident. They'd steered clear of the topic of him moving, their conversation from the day before, and of Matt. Overall, though, they had felt as close as friends since before they'd started sleeping together. But now, standing in the scrub room, the only sound being the water running down the drain, a cloud of awkwardness dominated again. Both of them had become aware that they'd been washing their hands for far too long.
Jackson looked up into the OR, where only one nurse remained, re-organizing the surgical instruments. He shut off the water, and April did the same. Taking off his scrub cap, he looked over at her.
"Nice job, April." He smiled slightly, the million things he could say tumbling around his head. She looked up and gave him a small smile herself.
"You too." The awkward silence continued as they stood still, staring into the OR. April took off her scrub cap and pulled her hair tie out, letting her red hair tumble down her shoulders. Jackson didn't know what he wanted to say, but he did know he wanted to say something.
"Look-what I said yesterday, about you and me and whether we mattered-"
"It's okay, we can just forget about-" April cut him off as she sighed.
"No, it's not okay. I was angry for so many different reasons and I needed answers, but I sort of took it out on you. I'm sorry." He looked at her, a sincere look in his eyes. She fought not to get lost in them.
"Okay. I'm sorry I, uh, went off like I did. I was pretty angry too." There was silence as they both tried not to think about what April had said, and what they both had wanted. Or, sort of wanted. Jackson and April were still trying to figure that out on their own.
"Just be sorry you wrinkled my scrub shirt." Jackson broke the silence. April giggled.
"I'm sorry, I can iron it for you if you want," she said in a slightly mocking tone. Things faded to silence again. "So you really took the job in New York?" She winced at the way her voice trembled slightly. She could feel her cheeks warming.
"Yeah. I did." His voice was soft. He glanced over at her. They both were leaning forward, resting their hands on the large stainless steel sink, and alternating between quickly looking at each other and staring into the OR. The nurse was now gone and they were left staring at blue drapes and blank screens.
April fought back the twisting feeling in her stomach that had started to reappear. "Oh. That-that's good. I'm happy for you. When are you leaving?" She swallowed, choking down her thoughts so they wouldn't show on her face.
"July 23rd. The trial starts officially on the 1st of August, so I need to screen people and help prep the week before."
"Cool." It was all she could think of to say.
Jackson was fighting the urge to put his arms around her. He could tell she was upset, but putting on a brave face to try and hide it. It made him feel bad, for making her upset. It was awful knowing that she had to cover up her feelings around him. He just couldn't figure out exactly why she was upset. Is it because I'm leaving?
"I won't be gone forever. I'll come back to Seattle eventually, but the trial could take about 2 years." April only nodded, staring ahead. "You okay?" he asked. She could hear the concern in his voice. It was comforting, knowing he still cared for her. Not that she ever thought he had, but the reminder was nice.
"Yeah, I'm fine. This'll be good for you in making your career." She paused for a second, before adding, "What does your mom think?" She gave him a playful grimace.
"I still have to tell her. She is not going to be happy." He shuddered just thinking about it.
"No offense, but I hope I don't have to be there for that." April said sympathetically.
"Just pray I'll make it out alive. She already found a way to tuck me under her wing here, I have no idea what she'll do to stop me from going to New York."
April moved her arms from where they were resting on the sink. "Just tell her you want to make your own career. Plus, Greenway was Sloan's mentor and Sloan was like the god of plastic surgery. She'll come around to the fact that you'll be working with him."
Jackson nodded in response. "Yeah, I guess so. Thanks."
"Anyways, I sort of need to go. I'm running the ER for Hunt this afternoon, and I want to eat lunch with uh-, well I just need to eat lunch before I go down." She didn't want to bring Matthew's name up. Not when they were actually having a good conversation. She made her way over to the door. Jackson didn't want her to leave yet. He needed to tell her something else.
"I broke up with Stephanie," he blurted. April turned around.
"What? You did? When?" She luckily was able to keep the hopeful tone out of her voice. She pushed down why she was hopeful in the first place as well.
"A few days ago. It just wasn't going to work. I wasn't being fair to her either." He turned around to face her and smiled.
"Oh, well uh…I'm sorry about that."
"It's okay." She smiled slightly at him, placing her arms behind her back. She lingered for a moment before turning. "I guess I have to go now. See you later?"
Jackson nodded, and just as she was pushing the door open, he said, "I miss you. I mean, as a friend. I miss my best friend." She looked right into his eyes. He was shocked at her intensity; she'd always been able to look right through him. He looked so sincere and she saw him swallow nervously.
"I miss my best friend too." She grinned at him before pushing open the door and disappearing down the hall. Jackson watched her go, wishing that he only missed her as a friend. Sure would make things a lot easier.
***Thanks for reading! Please review and also let me know if you like getting responses to your review. I read them all, but I just found out you can respond to them! So, let me know please ***