All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 5

***Hi everyone! So, this hiatus needs to end right now. I miss Grey's sooooo much! Luckily we don't have to wait much longer. Anyways, sorry that I haven't updated in awhile, I've gotten so swamped with schoolwork and dance. I'll try to update a lot more prior to the hiatus being over and frequently after that too. Thanks for the reviews! ***

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April sighed in exasperation as she walked into the bustling cafeteria. It was jambalaya day again, and she couldn't see anybody she knew to sit with. She slumped in the line, but saw Meredith and Alex sitting at a table in the corner, so once she got her food, she went to join them.

"What is this even?" Alex lifted up the gloppy mess on his plates with a fork and wrinkled his nose in disgust. "It looks like a disease." April sat down and just stared at her plate. She all of a sudden wasn't hungry. This was not going to help her stomach, which was already a bundle of emotions after talking to Jackson.

"Well, I'm not eating it. My baby has enough to deal with, being in my uterus and all, so I don't need to poison him even more." Meredith pushed the tray away and leaned back, crossing her arms over her swelling stomach.

"Oh, it's a boy?" April gasped in delight. "Did you find out at the ultrasound last week?" She hadn't had a chance to talk to Meredith since then.

Meredith nodded. "And he's healthy. Or yesterday he was. He's not kicking right now, so I don't know. Could have liquid bands wrapped around his legs and they'll need to be amputated when he's born."

Alex rolled his eyes. April knew that Meredith was still incredibly worried about her baby's health, though she tried to hide it from Derek. "Glad he's not kicking, 'cause there's no freaking way I'm talking to him, like you made Yang do," Alex said, while taking another bite of jambalaya, which he swallowed with a look of pain on his face. "We're gonna get food poisoning from these. Nobody eat them." He glanced around the room, and his eyes settled on Jason and Jo, who were holding hands and laughing. "Except for him from the vagina squad. Nothing would make me happier." He grimaced, his gaze on Jo's hands holding Jason's.

"Alex, you really just need to say something to Jo already. You're really depressing and nobody wants to be around you right now. You're acting like me from five years ago again." Meredith looked darkly across the table at Alex, but April could tell she was concerned. For once, April sympathized with Alex. She knew exactly how he felt. Wanting somebody you couldn't have.

Meredith took a sip of her drink. "Hey, do you guys know where Jackson is? I have a consult with him this afternoon and I couldn't find him this morning."

April snapped to attention at the mention of his name. "He was in surgery with me," she flinched at the way her voice quavered, "hernia repair."

Meredith frowned. "Oh yeah, I forgot. I think he told me yesterday. Stupid pregnant brain. Or Alzheimer's. That's always a possibility." She rolled her eyes. "Wait…didn't you guys start at seven? Those only take about 4 hours. Its one now and I've been looking for him for the past hour."

"Oh, we were…uh…talking." April explained. She looked down at her lunch.

"Yes, talking. Not up to something dirty?" Alex raised his eyebrows at April, who started furiously blushing. He chuckled at her reaction, his eyes getting wider. "You two are so doing it again! What about Edwards and the paramedic?" He asked in a mocking tone.

"We are not sleeping together. I'm with Matthew now. Jackson and I are just friends." She neglected to mention that Jackson and Stephanie had broken up. Alex nodded, looking absolutely unconvinced at April's explanation.

"Speaking of the paramedic, how's taking him to the carnival going?" Meredith asked, glancing at Alex, who looked confused.

"Uh, um…can we talk about this later?' April stuttered, flushing again. Meredith raised her eyebrows, encouraging April to continue anyways. April sighed.

"Uh…not well. Like I said, not a corruptor. Plus, I don't even want to talk about this here. Or with you. No offense, but you don't have the best advice for me." She looked around nervously, to make sure no one else had heard, if they even had any idea what they were talking about.

"The carnival…" Alex's eyes shifted back and forth between April and Meredith. His eyes widened and he grinned widely. "Dude, you and Matt haven't boinked yet?" He snorted loudly as he sat back in his chair, laughing. April looked down at the disgusting mess on her plate in humiliation.

"Alex, would you just be quiet?" She asked in an annoyed and desperate voice. Meredith was giving Alex a warning stare, but she had an amused expression on her face.

"Seriously, though, why not? You don't seem to have an issue anymore, so what's his problem? Does he have a super tiny penis he's too embarrassed for you to see?"

"Oh, grow up, Alex." April's tone was sharp. "And would you just shut up already?"

"Or maybe it's because he's a….virgin!" Alex's voice was gleeful at his guess. April tried to keep her face neutral, but she couldn't keep the look of false denial off her face.

"No, no, he is not," she stuttered. She had no idea how she managed to get so red in the face whenever somebody said something the slightest bit embarrassing, but she could already feel her face burning up. Why did Meredith have to bring this up?

"He so is!" Karev leaned back in his seat, laughing obnoxiously. April looked over at Meredith, who was leaning back in her chair as well, looking at her with raised eyebrows and an amused expression on her face. "How does that even happen though?" Alex squinted his eyes as he thought about it. "Seriously, how does it?"

"Alex, would you please just shut up?" April sighed and shook her head. The sight of her disgusting plate of food was becoming quite familiar.

"The paramedic's a virgin," he chuckled.

"Okay, Alex, leave her alone." Meredith rolled her eyes, standing up and grabbing her tray to throw out the untouched jambalaya. "Sorry I brought it up, April," she said apologetically.

April mumbled that it was okay, stirring her jambalaya around. Alex chuckled again, and glanced at April.

"Look, sorry…I just, it's hilarious. But I'm good, I'll stop." His pager went off as he stood up. He looked down at it and started to sprint out of the cafeteria, leaving April to ponder how she was going to tell Matthew the truth about her virginity. She hated lying to him. It wasn't fair. She wanted sex again, but with him. At least, with Matthew, was what she tried to tell herself. She had no idea how she was going to bring it up. Most of all, she was thinking about her conversation with Jackson in the scrub room. He broke up with Stephanie, was echoing through her head. Her pager beeped and she picked it up. She rushed off to the ER, leaving the untouched jambalaya, but taking her thoughts of Jackson with her.

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April was sitting at the somewhat quiet nurses' station, eating pasta salad and looking through charts she needed to sign. It was the day after the lunch fiasco with Alex and Meredith, and she'd been avoiding them since then. That was why she was sitting at a nurses' station, eating lunch, charting, instead of doing so in the cafeteria. April gave a little start when she saw a dark hand place a lunch tray next to hers. She looked up.

"Hey," Jackson smiled timidly down at her. "I was wondering if I could eat with you?"

It took a minute for her to register what he was asking, but she erased the blank, confused look on her face with a grin. "Of, of course." She moved a bunch of her charts from the other office chair so he could sit down.

"Thanks." The chair squeaked as he sat down. He took a bite of his sandwich before looking over at her. She was pushing her fork through her pasta salad awkwardly. "I was just thinking it would be nice to eat lunch together. Maybe it's time we really become friends again." His tone was sincere and he smiled nervously at her.

April looked over at him. She missed him so much. She was glad to get a chance to even talk to him again. Even though she was denying it to herself, there was more in her than friendship for him, but she just wanted to be near him again. She realized that they were sitting at the exact same nurses' station that they'd been at the day he'd admitted he had feelings for her. Does he still have feelings for me? No. She shut the voice out of her head. He just wants to be friends again. That's all, April.

"April…"Jackson was still looking nervously at her. "If that's not what you want, if you need more time-"

"No, it is time. I've missed you. Especially at lunchtime. I'm forced to eat with Alex and his dark cloud as he moons over Wilson."

Jackson snickered. "So that's who he's all hung up over." He shook his head. "How was running the pit yesterday?" He asked, taking a sip of soda. They were facing each other on the swivel chairs, their knees almost touching.

April shrugged. "Same as always. Except there was one guy who came in around six with this abdominal pain, so we did some tests and it turns out he had a teratoma made of liver tissues." She watched as Jackson's eyes widened. Teratomas were so rare, one came in about every 5 or 6 years, and everybody would fight over them when they did.

"Did you get to operate?" He asked.

"No, I didn't, Bailey and Webber did." She sighed. "Whatever, though. I got in on a good trauma after that. I'm just happy we have the ER back. Thanks for re-opening it." She grinned appreciatively.

Jackson feigned smugness. "Why, you're most welcome, Dr. Kepner." He grinned at her and she laughed lightly, tossing her hair over her shoulder. He couldn't help watching the way she moved her neck, the rise of her collarbones. He remembered with longing what it felt like to run his fingers through her hair. "Of course we were going to open it again. It would be stupid not to, especially when we have kick-ass surgeons like you running it." He watched as she blushed slightly, which he couldn't help but think how adorable the action was. He didn't think she got enough compliments.

"So, how's running the hospital going anyways? Too much administrative crap?" She asked, taking another bite of her lunch. The charts lay on the table, completely forgotten about.

"Boring. Awful. It'll be nice to get away from a lot of it in New York."

April still felt a slight twinge of sadness inside when he mentioned New York, but she pushed it away, deciding she was really just happy for him. Friends are happy for each other. It was always true; she was happy for him, but she was also being selfish because she wanted him to stay. "I can help you with some of it if you want." She offered.

"You know," he said, gesturing at her with his sandwich, "I might actually take you up on that."

She smiled, her mouth full of pasta salad. She swallowed before asking, "Have you told your mom yet? About you abandoning her precious hospital project she gave you?"

Jackson shook his head, his expression suddenly tense. "Not yet. I need to do it soon, though. If word gets out without me having told her, she'll be pissed. Well, beyond pissed. She'll march into here and tear half of the hospital down to find me."

"You're over exaggerating. She's not that bad. Just do what I told you. Tell her the truth." April nudged him slightly with her knee, and looked away at the unexpectant rush after having touched him went through her.

"Have you met her? Trust me, I am not over exaggerating." He raised his eyebrows questioningly at her.

April snorted. "Okay, fine. But it is your career, not hers."

"Tell that to her." He laughed lightly as he said it, though he still looked worried and a little annoyed at the thought of having to tell his mom. They both returned to eating their lunch, and there was a moment of quiet as they watched an obviously flustered intern rushed past.

"So, are you re-taking your boards this year?" Jackson tried to keep his tone casual, but he saw April stiffen at the topic. He started to tense as well, not knowing how she was going to react. It obviously made sense that they were both uncomfortable; their last boards had resulted in her failing because she'd had a crisis of faith during them, which he was partially to blame, since they'd had sex. Then they'd ended up having sex again in the men's washroom of all places.

April responded cautiously, not meeting Jackson's eyes. "Umm….yeah. They're in Portland this year, so I can just drive or take the bus down myself." She explained, avoiding his eyes and concentrating on her food.

"So you can, like, de-stress before. That'll be nice. Have you started studying yet?" He asked as she took her last bite of pasta.

April nodded. "Yeah, but it really stressed me out already. I just get so scared I'll get in there and forget everything or completely freak out and say the wrong thing, like last time," she admitted. Jackson could see worry in her brown eyes, and she clenched her fork tightly in her hand. He wanted to help her so badly. He still felt guilty for ruining her boards last time. He attempted to pretend that he regretted sleeping with her, but that wasn't true. He just wished they'd done it later on, at a different time, or started slowly with dating, and not just jumped feet first into the mess of a relationship. Then again, he still had no idea how that would've turned out if they had gone that route; there were other obstacles that would have gotten in the way.

"You won't mess up or freak out. Come on, you know this stuff." He smiled at her with reassurance.

"How do you know? I could completely blank or they could give me a trick question or I could faint from worry or-" He could hear the worry rising in her voice; even though there was still two months until the boards.

"Because I do. You're one of the best doctors we have. Plus, you know what to expect now. I can help you study if you want." He added this hesitantly, hoping she would say yes. Anything to help her. Anything to spend more time with her. Jackson was rewarded with a big smile. God, he loved that smile.

"That would be great. Thanks, Jackson. That's really helpful, actually." Her tone was sincere and warm. There was a rush of happiness going through her at the prospect of all the time she could get to spend with him.

"We should start studying soon, though. I started late and that was a huge mistake."

She giggled lightly. "I remember that." It was before we happened, was what she left out. "Thanks, though. Matthew's a paramedic, so it's hard to study with him. Meredith's got a baby coming, and Cristina and Alex are just sucky people to study with. So thanks." She smiled and they held each other's gaze. All Jackson could think about was just how right it felt. He looked at his watch. It was 12:45, and he had a board meeting starting soon. He groaned inwardly; this had been the highlight of his day, he didn't want to leave.

"Look, I have to go now, but talk to you soon?"

"Yeah, Thanks for offering to help me study. It means a lot."

"No problem. Well, uh…" Jackson sat rooted in his chair. The others would be annoyed if he was late, and he was done his lunch, but he wanted to stay. They could just pass the afternoon working together. "I should probably go." He grabbed his lunch tray before standing up, moving to walk around the nurses' station.

"Jackson." He turned back to see April, still sitting, smiling at him. "This was nice."

"Yeah. It was." He turned and started walking down the hallway; glad she couldn't see his wide grin.

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"Jackson, do you really need the French Press?" April called over her shoulder to him as she sorted through his kitchen cupboard. They'd spent at least a few hours ago a couple times a week together the past while, studying intensely for the boards. Mostly they'd been studying at the hospital, sitting in empty rooms but avoiding on call rooms. He was leaving for New York in a month and a half, and she was helping him with some packing. She'd come over so he could help her study for her boards, but she'd noticed he had absolutely no clue what he was going to do to get to New York. So the obsessive organizer in her had decided to help.

"What? No." Jackson walked into his small kitchen; leaving the box of books he'd been packing up. He had a confused expression on his face. "What is that anyways?" April handed him the curious contraption.

"Why do you have one if you have no idea what it is?" She laughed. She put it in the second box on the counter, the one of things he wasn't taking. "Oh, I remember what it's from. Actually, I think it's mine. How did you get it?" She demanded accusingly.

"Isn't it from the Christmas dinner last year when we still lived at Mer's? Mer and I were trying to figure out how to make some turkey thing cause you were at work late?"

April laughed as she remembered that night. "I asked you guys to start the turkey and stuffing because I was in surgery. I came home and it was almost burning and I don't even know what you were trying to make in this." She pointed at the French press.

"I think it was gravy. Meredith was freaking out because she wanted Zola's first Christmas dinner to be special and Derek was already working late too. "

April shook her head and rolled her eyes, though she was smiling. Of all people to ask to cook Christmas dinner, Jackson and Meredith were not the best options; neither of them had ever learned how to cook, they'd both been raised by single mothers who'd only cared about their future careers. "Pretty sure it was the only time I've ever seen Meredith try to make something other than cereal. Or you, for that matter."

"Well, you asked me to help get it started, since it was really you who planned the whole meal." He watched as April continued to fill the boxes with useless kitchen supplies he never used. He moved over to stand beside her and help. Jackson was very conscious of when her hip grazed his leg, a shiver running through him.

"Yeah, I guess it was. I mean, most of us had at least part of the day off, and Christmas is important, so I guess I figured we should probably do something." She shrugged and took the French Press from where he'd set it down on the counter. "I'm going to take this back." She tossed it onto the top of her bag, which was sitting in the hallway. She was painfully aware of how close they were standing; if she'd wanted, she could've turned to kiss him. She resisted the strong urge. "I remember coming home at like 10 with Derek and Lexie. Cristina and Alex were as drunk as hell while watching surgeries and we could all hear you and Meredith yelling at each other in the kitchen because you had no idea what to do." She covered her face with one hand, snorting with laughter.

"Well at least we tried." Jackson laughed along with her. "It turned out okay in the end, right?"

"Yeah. Zola seemed to like it, at least. The burnt turkey, I mean." They were done packing the kitchen things, and were just standing, facing each other, talking like old times.

"It wasn't that burnt!" He protested

April rolled her eyes. "If you say so…" She trailed off. "I miss that, though."

"The burnt turkey?" He laughed, and gave her a quizzical expression.

"No! I mean, all of us living together. Derek and Meredith and Alex and Lexie and you and me. It was – it was nice." She smiled, her tone full of sadness and nostalgia. "But then…"

"There was a plane crash and Lexie, well, yeah." He swallowed and they stood in a sad silence for a minute.

"And then you and I and Alex all moved out. Meredith and Derek moved to the house in the woods and started a family. And then Alex was going to Johns Hopkins, you were going to Tulane, and I, well, I was going back home." Her eyes were looking into his, but her gaze was a far away one. She smiled a sad smile. They were standing so close; she could've put her head on his chest if she leaned forward.

"But we all came back. We're just –" He looked down longingly at her. He remembered what she'd said about the pull between them. He completely understood it.

"Different." She sighed heavily. "I guess that can be a good thing, though? Not all of it, obviously, but some of it."

He nodded slightly, though he didn't really think so, for the most part at least. He really was wondering what would've happened with them if they hadn't broken up, if he'd just kept pushing, or if they hadn't slept together at all. He wondered what she thought. "I guess so. I guess it's good that we're different."

April looked up at him, the sad smile still lingering on her face. She took a half step backwards. "So, anyways, I guess we're all done packing here, so do you want my help with anything else?"

"Thanks, but no. You came over so we could study for your boards, not pack." He grabbed her lightly by the hand and started to pull her into the living room, where binders and study cards were spread across the floor. They both jumped at the intense shock from their hands touching, and they were careful to avoid eye contact as they sat down on the carpet.

April cleared her throat. "It's fine, though. I don't mind helping. You have to leave in a month and a half anyways, and you run a hospital. You need help."

"Yeah, but you're taking your boards in two weeks. We both know that that's way more important." Jackson picked up the white flash cards. "A sixty five year old comes in with a bowel obstruction…" He kept glancing up at her as he read, admiring her neck and jaw line, the way she bit her lip as she thought. She was deep in concentration, taking in his words, and figuring out the course of treatment. He watched as she launched into her solution. All he had to do was lean across the binder, put his lips on hers, wrap his arm around her back and…. He blinked a few times and went back to following along to what she was saying on the back of the flashcard. He nodded; she was getting it almost word for word. He looked over and smiled at her, though he could tell she was concentrating on some distant point. She was so determined, hard working; she was perfect. She would be an amazing surgeon. She already was.

"What?" Her confused tone snapped him back to attention. April was giving him a quizzical look. He cleared his throat and checked the card, laughing awkwardly. "Seriously, was that wrong? Oh my god, I'm hopeless, how am I ever going to pass this test? I mean, I failed once, I can see it happening again." She planted her hands behind her, sighing in exasperation.

"No. That -that was great. Perfect, actually. You're going to be amazing. Believe me, I can tell. You're gonna kick this test's ass and you're going to be a great trauma surgeon." His words were tender and he looked deeply into her eyes. "Really."

She gave him an appreciative smile. "Thanks." The room became quiet, but a nice, comfortable quiet. They could hear the rush of Seattle traffic outside as they looked at the ceiling while lying back. April tried to not let her longing for him show. They were so close; she could've reached out and put her hand on top of his, twine her fingers through his. She looked over at him and he smiled warmly back, his blue-green eyes entrancing her. As awkward as the situation could've been, it wasn't; it was hard for each of them to admit it, but it was exactly where they wanted to be.

A loud honk from outside brought them back to the present. April sat up straight and cleared her throat, blushing slightly. Jackson looked abruptly down at the cards.

"So, uh…next card?" April gave him a small smile, her eyes shifting back and forth to avoid getting lost in his again.

"Yeah, uhh…" He flipped to the next card and started reading aloud. April's head bounced lightly as she thought of her answer. The rain started to fall lightly outside, drumming gently on the roof. Jackson and April continued, sitting on his living room carpet, both secretly admitting it was the best day they'd had in awhile.

The entire evening, a certain conversation kept bouncing around April's head. It was the night before they took the boards, when they'd been in the bar, before they'd slept together. Or rather, it was a few words that just kept echoing.

"Me and you. " He said to her.

"Me and you." She remembered smiling and feeling so safe, so confident in her life. At that time, she'd still thought her path in life was going exactly right. Whatever would happen, she'd still have Jackson. But now she wasn't so sure anymore, and it was killing her.