A/N:

Guys I'm so sorry I've been so slow! So much has happened in the last two weeks I think my head-spins just stopping!

(For those of you who are interested: firstly I was beginning to have some doubts about it – mainly I agree with those of you who think it's become too angsty and I didn't quite know how to change that, but both Kylikki and Marble Eyes were so lovely about it that I felt duty-bound to continue. Then the awesome and irreplaceable Kabr got (another) new job so has had to stop writing all together. Which kinda added to my doubts about it and honestly I almost quit too – I would have done if Marble Eyes hadn't been amazing and helped me take another look at the plan, get rid of some filler and been a generally awesome beta. Then I got a start date for my dream job, in a location I know nothing about, in three week's time. So I've had to find a house, prepare, pack etc. And this all happened in the space of a fortnight!)

However, I'm back now, I'm genuinely motivated to continue and thanks to the incredible Marble Eyes I have something slightly less angsty to continue with. Yet due to all that the updates might be a bit slower in coming but I'll try not to make it too slow!

And as always thank you to everyone for the support and importantly the honesty! I genuinely appreciate it when you let me know when things aren't working for you because chances are it's not working for me either I just haven't noticed it yet!

Also I appologise for the massively long A/N's there shouldn't be any life changing news left to share with you (*touch wood*) so I'll shut up for a bit ;)

This chapter is dedicated to the miraculous and exceptional Marble Eyes.

Chapter Warnings:

The angst continues for a little bit longer;

Reference to sex.

Chapter Twenty – Ste Hay.

"Yeah cos I'm the one that proper wanted it…you were proper turned on, looked like you hadn't had sex for weeks!" I laugh teasin' Bren.

He looks dead serious and whispers, "I haven't."

And I'm not laughin' no more. Me heart feels like it has just learned how to beat so it's makin up for years of not beatin by proper rushin'. And he's looking at me like the last person he fucked was me and that might be what he means by weeks, cos it's been two weeks since we seen each other innit?

It feels dead awkward so I try to say, "what not enough-"

But he stops me.

"Plenty of opportunity, plenty of men; I've not been interested."

And I can't stop feelin those words; like my heart cant stop wanting to drink em up because he's saying he's only wanted to have sex with me. Like he don't wanna sleep with no-one else.

"Don't?" It comes out dead quick, like my tongue just slips on my thoughts.

I didn't really mean to say it and I know I can't ask a man like him to not have sex especially when he can't have sex with me at the moment.

So I change it quick and say, "I mean I get it if you-" not that I would 'get' it not that I could even think about it "…but-"

"I won't," he answers quick and it sounds like a promise, and when I kiss him it feels like a promise too.

***M***

I feel like my lips have been stretched - like they can't stop smiling, though it feels a little silly now smilin' as much as I am. We kissed so many times before he left, just kept kissin'; there was one stage I thought he was gonna get back into bed again. He looked like he could stay forever, but it's Christmas day so I had to send him to the boys didn't I? They need their Dad and he needs 'em. But he looked proper happy and promised he'd be back as soon as he could get away.

I lie back into bed and press my face into his pillow, just smellin' him makes me proper happy.

I'm not stupid or owt, I know things aren't perfect. Like I know that I've got the disease and that when we tried to y'know those memories came back and that might keep happenin for a while. And I know there are a load of issues with him. But it just feels like we'll sort things out, like he wants to sort things out. That he wants to be with me, properly with me.

I close me eyes and sort of get carried away in all these thoughts of Brady and me. Like all those dreams I've had before when we were livin' with him. But it feels OK now, like it don't feel like they're just dreams cos there's this difference in the way he's lookin' at me. And he said….he said he won't sleep with no-one else but me.

Smilin' and laughin' I kick me legs out in the air, I feel proper light. Maybe Santa's come to me this year and bought me the best thing I could have asked for. Maybe all my Christmas dreams have come true.

One year, when the twins were four, back when Terry weren't there and things were OK. We got em big helium balloons for their birthday – me and Mam actually paid for em and everything. Leah got this pink My Little Pony one which she thought was proper sick. Lucas got a giant spider one, cos at the time he had a proper thing for spiders. He was scared of the balloon though. We told 'em to be dead careful, cos like full of helium they'd fly off. But Lucas took his outside and let it go, said the spider was dead pleased now that it was free – it got what it wanted and so was no longer scary and they could both be happy now. I kinda feel like that, like I'm free now I'm here so I could fly away with Brady and be happy.

It starts to rain proper loads, you can hear the rhythm on the windows and I kinda like it. I used to hate rain like this, if I woke up and it was raining like this it either meant two things – that I'd be outside and get ill cos my clothes would get proper wet, or I'd stay at hom- at Terry's and worse may happen. But I don't wanna leave here, I don't need to leave here; I could lie in this bed all day, warm and cosey and wait for Bren to come back. I can see the way he'd beam when he sees me lying in bed waiting for him. He'd proper love it.

The doorbell rings though, so I have to pull on some clothes.

The man at the door is proper drenched, he's wearin' a brown wax jacket and has this like really long hair which is soaked and drippin'. He looks like he might be in some boyband that Mam might listen to, if his features weren't all like twisted up. He's got this black eye proper bruised and a split lip - looks well sore that. I get this dead weird feelin about him. He's smiling like he knows who I am which is proper weird cos I've never seen him before.

He sticks out his hand for me to shake and says, "Hi, Ste Hay, right?"

"Who's askin'?"

"Aaw it's alright, don't look so scared. My names Simon, you can call me Walker; I'm a friend of Brendan's."

"Ah right, well he's not here; gone to see his family like, sorry," I say, closing the door as I go, but he sticks his foot in the way.

"It's pretty wet out here mate," he says, smiling.

He's got kinda nice eyes when he smiles. He sortta seems to light up with it and relax into somebody who might be a good mate.

I shrug though, not much I can do about the rain; not exactly like I talk to the weather man is it?

"What can I do about that?"

"Invite me in?"

"It's not me house is it? And I don't reckon Bren will be back for a bit."

It's weird but when I say his name this Simon bloke sort of twitches - like his eyes sort of narrow and his face tenses kinda like as if he'd just swallowed a lemon. He stops it dead quick though, back to smiling like he's dead sweet.

"Give him a call then? Check who I am?"

I don't really know why I do it. I know Bren'll be dead pissed that I'm calling him when he's at home, and when it cuts off after two rings I know he's angry with me. He gets all weird if I get too close to his family time.

"Rang off, didn't it? Sorry."

"Right well, the thing is mate I'd really like to come in, I could describe the house to you?"

***M***

There's something in the way this Walker talks, like he's kinda charming I guess. Yeah, charming. We have some coffee, talk for a bit bout all sorts – footie, music, nowt important but it's just a good time. It feels like I've known him years.

Then, in our third cup of coffee he says, "Brendan's told me quite a bit about you, you know."

And he's looking at me intently like it means Bren thinks I'm important, worth talking about in a good way. That Bren aint been talkin' bout what he can get out of me, but just talking cos he thinks I'm interesting and important. I blush a little and stare at me trainers.

"Hey, no need to look so shy. You've known each other for a while."

"Yeah, like seven months."

"Long time. He feels a lot for you."

I can't stop smiling like I did earlier, big goofy grin. It don't really matter how shit the world is - as long as Bren likes me nothing can be wrong. I'm like that spider balloon again.

"Is that right?" Walker asks.

"Yeah, yeah I think so."

"Funny then, that he didn't answer his phone earlier, or that he left you here alone on Christmas day."

"Well I mean it's Christmas innit? He needs to be with his family." I can't explain it cos that's the way it is, but my heart sort of sinks a little.

"Oh sorry mate I'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

***M***

Walker says he's dead cold from the rain and asks for a shower. I don't see anything wrong with that so I say yeah. I say I'll make him some more coffee and he gives me this smile that says I'm like one of the best people he's ever met. He's dead sweet is Walker.

When I'm making the coffee Brady comes home, comes straight up to me, like almost runs to me, like he's missed me and I can't stop from smiling a lot. He comes proper in close and nowt exists anymore but me and him. We've got this own little world we live in, me and him and I'm floating away into it.

"Alright?" He asks and God his voice is so turned on, his eyes keep trailing over my lips and I swear I can feel it. His eyes are proper dark blue.

We have a chat about his day, I try to tease him but he wins this time - tells me he got some new boxers giving me this dead clear image of him in nothing but his boxers. I can see the strength of his pale skin as his muscles flex when he stands for me, the thickness of that dark hair, the proper manliness of him. And my hearts proper rushin', helpin' me whole body to respond. He's so fucking fit.

He keeps staring and staring at my lips and God I so want him to kiss me. I can feel my cock jump for him. And I know he's getting proper turned on too.

"You gonna kiss me then or what?" I ask him.

And he smiles like that's the best thing he's heard all day, comes dead close to me and whispers dead low, "Merry Christmas, Steven."

He pulls me in with his fingers in me shirt, pressing slightly at me bottom lip like he likes how soft is. His kiss is proper wide, opens me mouth dead easy and gets dead hungry dead quick. He makes me moan proper easy, I feel my hips arching up into him and I can't slow my body down it's like he's fuel or sommit. I will always be on when he's around.

His hands reach for my shirt, start to undo it, but I hear the shower click off and we can't can we? Not when Walker's here. The bloke's been waiting all day to chat business with Brady. The news must be dead important cos it's Christmas day. And anyway Brady and I will be alone pretty quick; I know it - especially after this kiss.

His fingers press against me skin as he moves to the second shirt button.

"No," I say, more to myself than to him.

He steps back immediately and I see this darkness in his eyes that's like pain. I can see what he thinks I mean - that he thinks it's about the other bloke again. And I smile cos for once I could get myself there drug-free and not think about the other bloke at all. Brady's like my medicine.

So I tell him quick, "No, no it's not that innit?" he looks confused so I add, "we have company, though."

"What?"

He looks kinda angry and my words sort of fall over themselves, "Some bloke, that's what I tried to call you about. Got stuck in the rain so I let him have a shower, I hope that's OK?"

"You let a stranger into my home?!"

"No, he's not a stranger. Well least he says he knows you, says he's a mate. I got him to describe this house and he got it dead on."

He presses his hand to my face, letting me know he forgives me or sommit and asks, "What's his name, Steven?"

"Simon I think, Simon Walker?"

His face sort of falls to shadow, like goes completely pale and darkened and I feel like I can't really see him. He's dead angry or sommit.

"Brady I'm sorry, he seemed like a good sort."

"It's OK," he whispers, in that way that I'm not sure if he's talking to me or himself. "You're OK right?" He asks me like I might not be, lookin deep in me eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I answer him quick; this bloke can't be that bad surely? He seems really sweet and charming. "Sorry, though, I thought he was a mate like."

"It's OK Ste, I am a mate," Walker says behind us. He's suddenly there in the same room, dead quick.

I'm normally good at hearing people moving about the house, kinda had to be like – at Terry's. But I guess Brady proper confused me with that amazing kiss. I jump a little away from Brady, but he wraps his arm around my shoulders and tucks me into him like I might damage.

"Hi Brendan," Walker smiles stepping towards us.

Simon's wearin' nowt but a towel now and he has a kinda nice body; like slim, a little like mine if he wasn't so tall. He looks like he'd probably be stronger than me too, like he looks like he's got more strength in his muscles. Out of nowhere I wonder if Brady would like me better a bit stronger. I lost a bit of weight when all that shit happened and I couldn't move. But I could try to bulk up again now. Now I've got time and everything's safe and stuff. Maybe I'll ask him later. Anyway I shake those thoughts away and listen to what Brendan and Walker are chattin' about.

Brendan's telling him to put some clothes on, sounds dead stressed about it. Walker's saying they were really wet so they're drying out. Sounds perfectly fine to me but I feel Brady sort of tense by my side like he thinks Walker is lyin' or something.

***M***

Walker has this way of making conversation feel dead easy. I feel like it don't really matter what I say about anything cos he'll just think it's fun or cool. Like he proper don't think I'm stupid. We talk about Christmas dinner, and then the weather, and a little about the club. I even feel Bren relax. He still stands there with his arm over me shoulders and I start to feel a little like he's showing me off, but in like a good way. Not in a way that he might get something from it or I make him look good, like Blake did, but more like he wants me to feel special.

It's weird - it's like I'm meeting my boyfriend's mate. I know I can't think like that. But as we talk I get that feeling like I'm that helium balloon floating away again.

After a while I get the impression they really need to talk about something alone, like some business deal or something. So I say I'll make myself scarce.

"You don't have to Steven," Brady says, his grip on my shoulder tightening a little.

"That would be great thank you, Ste," Walker says quickly.

"No worries."

Bren leans forward for a kiss on my cheek and looks in my eyes that way like he's investigating to make sure I'm OK. He's proper weird this afternoon. I mean everythin's proper fine innit?

So I say, "It's cool. Jeremy Kyle's on in a bit anyway, Christmas special," to let him know it's OK.

***M***

Bren proper hates Kyle, he tried to watch it a little for me but he thinks it's all fake and ridiculous. I used to watch it a bit in his house, and he used to try to distract me: kissin me neck, sittin dead close, rubbin me leg – distractin' me and telling me to convince him I don't like it when you know he knew I proper did. I kinda wish he'd come up and do that now. That kiss earlier was dead hot. And I know he won't push nothing. I know he's not gonna have sex with me till he's certain my minds off the other bloke, but just kissin Bren could be dead hot. Especially if we just kissed for ages in bed, like proper got each other going. He has such an amazing body. So much strength as he wraps me to him I feel like I'm a present just for him. Then like when it's just soft and slow I like pressing me fingers through that chest hair, it's so much softer than you'd think it would be. And I know all the parts of his body that's proper sensitive, I know how to make his eyes black as midnight. I like the way he tastes and all, and I think I could suck him tonight if he wanted, if he just lay there and let me do it.

I think about texting him, sending something like a little suggestive or something but I don't want to look demanding. So I decide to go and make meself some coffee, work out what's going on and maybe give him a wink or sommit.

That was my mistake. If I'd texted him then I wouldn't have to see what I did.

***M***

"Steven," Brady's eyes are proper panicked, as soon as he notices me.

I feel blood rush to my cheeks, tears sting my eyes - I'm such a proper twat. I just thought…I thought we were OK…that we had this world; proper life me and him…that I was safe in it - how can that disappear in ten minutes?

Walker's lookin' at me like proper annoyed, and they've still not really stopped standing that close. I guess Brady didn't mean all that shit he said about waiting for me.

"I'm sorry right?" I say, "I didn't mean to-"

I back out the room – I know when I'm not wanted.

"Steven it's not what it looks like, I swear to you."

"I don't even get what it looks like!"

I still can't really make sense of it. I feel like my brain won't work properly, like it's been full of cotton wool or I'm on a drug high or maybe just what Mam always said is true – maybe I am just proper stupid.

They were stood where I left em only closer to each other, a lot closer. Brady's eyes were flashing black and it looked like….like he didn't not like it.

"I'm not sleeping with him," Brady says, his words spelling out what I didn't want to admit.

It looked like they were getting each other off, turning each other on.

"Well apparently he's not sleeping with me without you anyway," Walker says his voice is changed, a lot gruffer and you can proper see his erection. That wasn't there before - I'm certain of it; Brady's been making him hard.

I can't move a single muscle as he walks up to me, slowly.

"Yeah thinking about it Brendan, I'm down with that," His finger trails up my arm and I struggle to think past me stupidity… they were… they were talking about a threesome? A threesome.

"I'd like a go with this," Walker whispers, like I'm 'this'.

Then Brady has him by the throat, turns him around and pushes him hard against the wall, all physical dominant strength.

"Get your hands off Steven."

Walker smiles like he's getting off, "started like this, do you remember? You on top of me on my bed. God I can feel your heart rushing Brendan," He's talking and all the time Brady's telling him to shut up, but it's like he don't really want him to and I remember something earlier:

"I'm an eejit for taking you," he said to me.

"I'm giving myself to you Bren. Bren, I'm all yours. When you saw me in the shower what did you do?"

"Shut up, just-"

"Did you get off too? You do know you're the only person I ever think about?"

I knew he didn't want me to shut up then neither, he likes to be pushed in sex and that's what Walker's doing now. Walker knows what Brady's like in sex.

"Still turned on aren't you?" I can hear Walker whisper to Brady "would you like me to turn around?"

I feel like I'm just watching this, like I've lost me voice and I can't do nothing to stop this from happening. If they decide they want me too then I….

The only thing I can do to stop it is to walk away.

But as soon as I try Brady pulls me back, hand on my wrist.

He won't let me escape, "you want me t'…"

"What? No!" His hands press against my face that way that used to seem sweet, but all I can feel is Walker. "Steven, please, you have to believe me. I'm not sleeping with him," he's doing little but pleading now.

Walker speaks slowly, "I'm going to get a little offended if you keep saying that Brendan. It was good last night."

Last night? Last night?! And I remember waking up this morning, Brady even tasted different when I kissed him. God I am proper stupid, the most stupidest person on earth.

"So when you left me in bed, when you had to go and sort out some business…"

"I'm not slee-" Brady starts to say it again but I'm so sick of all his lies.

"Please Brady just tell me the truth."

Bren hangs his head, grits his teeth and closes his eyes. His voice is stone cold when it comes again. "Walker is the business I had to sort out, yes."

"Why?" Walker asks like he's gloating.

"Simon, stay out of this!"

"Why, Brady?"

"When you left my house two weeks ago I asked him to keep an eye on you, I just needed to keep you safe." He says that so much but it don't actually mean nothing does it? He knew – he knew I weren't safe, but he couldn't be bothered to get involved. All he could do was get his colleague to 'keep an eye on me'. He's just hollowed out, money where his heart should be.

"So you knew, you knew all along that I'd gone home. When I was telling you 'bout it last night, you already knew it?"

"No."

"The truth."

"I knew you'd gone home, I knew you'd got there safely. I didn't know what would happen when you were there, I couldn't have known what would happen to you Steven."

"Bullshit! I proper told you!" I say, remembering when he saved me from the shelter and we sat together and talked. I told him everything - everything I had to get the twins away from, everything that had happened to me. Everything. And if Brady knew I'd gone there, and he knows about the Loft, then…. "Blake?"

"I had no idea about him I promise you. I wouldn't have let that happen to you Steven, you have to believe me. He stopped doing his job, Walker, stopped looking after you and so I had to go last night and make him pay for what had happened to you."

"By fucking him?" Who makes people pay through sex? I know the answer to that so badly it turns my stomach, even when it was all happening, I didn't think Brady was like that. I can see him for what he is now – see through all those fake smiles and faulty kisses. He's nothing but plain evil.

"I-"

"Did you fuck him?"

"I-"

"Tell me the truth, please," my voice is barely here now, I'm barely here. This isn't the Brady I know.

"I… I can't," he means yes. He means he lied to me earlier, he means all he's done is lie to me. He means he's no better than them, no better than that other bloke.

"Have a nice life Brendan."

As I walk to the door, I remember that helium balloon – the one Lucas sent to go to be free. The one I've been feeling like all day. We found it the next day, it caught itself on an electricity wire and was popped, Lucas cried for weeks. There was nothing we could do; it was nothing but dead plastic.

"Steven."

"It's OK, you don't ever have to see me ever again."