All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 7

***As always, thanks for reviews! I always say this, but I'll try to update more often. I feel like it'll be easier now, though, since I need something to get me through the four and a half month hiatus. I'm still blown away by the finale. I'm definitely still crying over Richard Webber and Calzona and Crowen. But the Jolex kiss was super cute and I loved April's confession to Jackson. I think Sarah Drew did an amazing job. I was entirely expecting that Jackson would be critically injured and dying, and we would see April sobbing by his bedside and begging him to live, so I wasn't a traumatized by that finale as I thought I would be. So, a sort of sigh of relief. ***

Chapter 7

April slumped back and took a deep breath as the bus started up, jostling the passengers as it headed out of the station. She gripped the edge of her seat to distract herself from her stomach's constant clenching from nerves. Pressing her head to the winder, she stared out at the grey highway flashing past. Even though the boards weren't until the next day, she'd decided to catch an early morning bus, giving time to settle into her hotel room and spend a few hours prepping. She'd hoped she'd be able to calm herself down beforehand, but she could already tell that that was going to be a lost cause. She forced herself to breath slowly, closing her eyes

The three-hour ride to Portland passed by in a flash. April stared at the cloudy sky and bland scenery. She didn't bothering taking her queue cards out to study or listen to her iPod, instead making scars in the palm of her hands from clenching them too tightly. She was too distracted to study anyways, and spent most of the time pushing away memories of last year's boards.

xxx

"Dr. Avery, can we reschedule your cleft palate surgery for 2:30?" Jackson looked up from the blurred words of the hospital document in need of his signature. He squinted his eyes at the nervous chief resident standing in front of him, trying to think of what she'd just said. The fifth year was clenching her clipboard, her blond hair pulled into a high ponytail.

"I'm sorry, what?" Jackson tipped his head. She re-stated her question. He'd been rather distracted all day, thinking about April and how nervous she would be tonight, the night before her boards. He wanted to phone her, wish her luck, but he knew that would be awkward for both of them judging by what had happened last year, and he wouldn't know what to say. He was worried for her, though, knowing that she would stress herself out, to the point of tears. He was confident that she would do wonderfully, though. She was ready; she knew the answers word for word. She'd blossomed into a confident and headstrong surgeon. Plus, this time he wasn't there to distract her like last time.

That was all he could think about: last time. The way her lips had met his and she'd wrapped her arms tightly around him, her hands on his back. How an electric current had run through his body, one so shocking that he'd never felt anything like that before. She'd been amazing, how she'd gripped him passionately, as if she had more experience than she did. He remembered guiding her through the things she didn't know how to do, making sure she was okay. He recalled being so sure with her beneath him. Sometime since then it had occurred to him that he wouldn't have been able to let anybody else take her virginity. It had always been him. It had always been the two of them. He wondered how he was going to be able to let her go; let go of the constant feeling, knowing she was near, what it would be like when he left. What it would be like for him, but also for her. Would she think about him? Would she miss him?

xxx

April ran a hand through her ponytail and gritted her teeth as she paced back and forth on the carpeted floor. She was just outside the entrance to the hallway where the residents would wait to be called into rooms to take their exams. The boards were taking place in the same hotel where she was staying. She'd gotten into bed early, hoping for a good night of sleep, but the feeling of panic rising in her stomach had kept her tossing and turning. She had left the curtains open in the hotel room, a view of Portland's skyline the backdrop to her thoughts. In the minutes where she would feel sleep falling over her, she'd think she could feel a soft breath on her neck, lips caressing her collarbones, a hand clasped in hers, and she would jolt awake again. She tossed and turned, molded the pillows into different shapes, desperately attempting to get Jackson out of her mind. After many hours of frustration, constantly reminding herself of the major oral exam she needed to take for the second time the next morning, she managed to slip into a restless sleep. It was ironic how similar her thoughts were to last year. Consumed with Jackson and the way he made her feel. Except this time she was wondering why exactly she hadn't asked him to stay the night the previous year.

April adjusted her navy blue blazer and pant set with fumbling fingers. Taking a deep breath, she rounded the corner, wobbling in her high heels. If only she would be able to take her boards in scrubs and sneakers. She would be so much more comfortable and feel in a familiar setting instead of swearing in her suit and trying not to panic in a stuffy hotel room. Taking a seat on a chair against the wall, April waited for her name to be called. She stared at the shoes of the other soon-to-be attendings as they walked shakily down the hall. She felt someone brush her sleeve and looked up to see a tall blond guy sitting down beside her. He smiled at her nervously.

"Good luck," his voice shook. She smiled and wished him well. April was suddenly brought back to last year, as Jackson had sat beside her and she had been unable to look at him. The guilt that had been eating her up over breaking her promise had been impossible, and it had taken over every ounce of nerves. She remembered the stunned expression on his face. The carpet on the floor was making her feel sick, she was so nervous, and yet all she could think about was the expression on Jackson's face in the exact same scenario a year before. All his usual expressions flitted through her mind; the adorable smirk, the smile he used to assure patients, the way he looked at her, but she specifically remembered the look on his face right before the boards. He had looked so shocked and hurt. That face had become a common reoccurrence over the past year, and April was left wondering how often her words had caused that expression. How much did I hurt him?

She started as the door opened next to her and a man in a black suit called her name. She stood up and straightening her hair, took a deep breath. These were her boards, and she needed to crush them. That was the only thing she could concentrate on. She introduced herself confidently to the examiner and walked into the room.

xxx

"Alright, Dr. Kepner, this is the end of your first session. You have a twenty minute break until we continue with your second." The stern faced grey haired examiner gave her a dismissive nod before closing the file on her lap. April nodded weakly. She stood up and walked uncertainly to the door. The doorknob rattled as she attempted to open it with shaky hands. She barely made it out of the room before the anxiety clawed up her throat and tears filled her eyes. She stumbled in her heels to the washroom, gasping deeply.

April had been a mess during the first session. She was well aware of the fact, having spent a good deal of time repeating phrases nervously, correcting herself, and trailing off in the middle of sentences. Her voice had kept shaking and she kept having to swallow, which made her throat sore and dry. And now, sitting in the bathroom stall on the lid of the toilet, head in her hands, she was close to a full-blown panic attack. Small sobs escaped her as she cried into her hands. It most definitely felt worse than last year. Last year, she'd had so much to lose, and she'd lost it all. Everything she had promised herself, everything that had seemed certain had been swallowed in less than twenty-four hours. And now, she was getting a second chance, when she had nothing left to lose anymore, but it felt like she was falling past rock bottom. The boards examiners probably thought she was insane, again, and the amount of mistakes she'd probably made were astronomical.

Tears leaked over the side of her hands as she listened to the conversations of the other female surgeons from the bathroom stall. From their voices, she could tell that most had somebody they knew with them, and they were all discussing their boards so far. April could hear a few comforting and encouraging each other, and she wished that she had that too. Yet, because she was with the residents a year behind her and sitting with her head in her hands in a bathroom stall, she had no one. All she could think about was how much she needed a friend, a comforting hand, and a few reassuring words. The panic continued to rise inside of her. She hadn't even thought the amount of nerves she currently possessed was possibly attainable, but the ever-present nausea made it very real. Alone. She felt so alone, so trapped.

With shaking fingers, she drew her phone out from her pocket and quickly dialed his number. He was the only person who could help her through this. Despite what happened last year in a bathroom stall similar to the one she was currently sitting in, the unresolved tension between them, and her feelings for him she suppressed, she knew he would know exactly what to say. He always did, it seemed. Wiping tears from her cheeks, she pressed her phone to her hear and anxiously waited for him to pick up.

xxx

Jackson was in the middle of a long and torturous board meeting when his cellphone rang. He, Meredith, Derek, Cristina, Callie, and Arizona were discussing what needed funding. Or rather; disagreeing. After hours of debating, stressing the topic too far while weighing their options, they still hadn't come to a conclusion. He looked at the caller ID, and realizing it was April, took the excuse to leave gladly. His breath caught and his heart skipped a beat as he answered his phone, closing the door to the boardroom behind him as he walked out.

"April?" He answered questioningly. She was supposed to be in the middle of her boards. Why the hell is she calling me?

"Jackson." He could hear the relief in her voice.

"Hey, what's going on? You're supposed to be taking your boards, not making phone calls to your fellow surgeons." He tried to keep his tone light.

"I am, I – uh, it's the break after first session. Jackson, I don't know what to do. The first session- it-it was just so awful. I kept messing up answers and stuttering and I know the examiners think I'm either a complete idiot or crazy," she sobbed into the phone. He hated how desperate she sounded. She had started to babble, which was something she only did when nervous or scared. Her voice had only been slightly quavering when she started talking, but had quickly cracked. Something clenched in Jackson's stomach as he imagined what the expression on her face must be like. He wished he were there; simply to comfort her, stroke her hair, tell her everything was going to be okay.

"Hey-hey, it's alright. It really can't be that bad. You know your stuff. I know you know it," he reassured her.

"I know I do, but I just can't talk properly and my head feels fuzzy, and nobody wants somebody like that to be their doctor. I'm pretty sure I'm failing again," she sighed heavily, distress strung out in every word she was saying. "I just don't know what to do," she added softly.

"Yes, you do. Trust me, you're an awesome surgeon and an amazing doctor. All you have to do is show them that. You know everything, all the cases, all the surgeries. Just pretend like you're back here at the hospital and in the OR. You do know what you're doing." He spoke truthfully and sincerely, and he hoped she understood that.

"What if I don't pass, though?" She whispered desperately. All of the other doctors seemed to have left the washroom, which meant the second session would start again soon. April's stomach lurched painfully at the thought.

"You will," Jackson stated confidently. Even though April didn't generally do well in an interview setting, he knew she would be fine. Or at least he hoped. He hoped the examiners would see what he saw about her at work; the amazing doctor, the committed and focused surgeon, the compassionate person.

"But how do you know?" April stood up, shuffling back and forth in the small space on her high heels, an arm wrapped protectively over her stomach.

"I just know. I didn't spend all those hours studying with you for nothing. You know it and you can do it. So pull yourself together, or I might just kick your ass otherwise. I promise it'll be okay. So go get yourself some water to stay hydrated, get back in that room, and crush them. Okay?" He kept his voice positive, yet reassuring and gentle. She really just needed a push to get her back up.

"Okay." She gave the stall door a weak smile. She did feel a little better. Not much, but enough that returning to the exam was slightly more bearable. And look – I'll be waiting at Joe's with as many drinks as you want when you pass," he added. "And I know you're probably standing in a bathroom stall, so get out there and finish the boards."

"Okay," April sighed heavily. "I should go now, though." She slid the lock of the door open, taking a deep breath. She felt more confident with the knowledge of Jackson's fate in her. She was glad that nothing was awkward about their unexpected phone conversation. And she was really looking forward to those drinks, even if they weren't currently the first thing on her mind.

"Good idea. And April?" He paused slightly, before grinning as he remembered her mantra from last year.

"Yeah?"

"You're a soldier."

April stopped halfway to the sinks as she recalled the last time she had said those words. "I will be," she said, nodding to her reflection in the mirror, a determined look in her eyes. "Thank you Jackson," she added sincerely before hanging up.

She set her phone down and straightened her blazer. I can do this, she thought as she fixed her ponytail and wiped away mascara smudges. I'm a soldier.

xxx

As soon as April hung up, Jackson swung around and rushed back into the boardroom. He knew what he wanted to do. What he needed to do. The other five were bantering back and forth as he cleared his throat, hastily throwing all his files into a bag.

"Sorry guys, I got called into something. It's an emergency."

"But what about-" Meredith began, but Jackson cut her off.

"You guys can figure it out. My vote is with the majority. I trust you guys with whatever conclusion you come to." He nodded over his shoulder as he rushed out the door again.

In less than five minutes, he was dressed in street clothes and climbing into his car. It only took him another few minutes to get on the highway, in the direction of Portland. Jackson knew his decision was rash and unexpected, he had even surprised himself, but he also knew it was the right one. April would be done with her boards by the time he got there, and she could hold her own, but she would need all the support and comfort she could get in waiting for her results. She had been a mess and she would need somebody after. He wanted to be the arms she was in. The woman he loved needed help, and he would offer it to her however he could.

xxx

***So there y'all have it. Hopefully you guys enjoyed it, and I should have an update up this weekend. I'm already finished typing it, I just have to edit it. I'm actually super excited about the next two chapters; they turned out even better than planned and I will say that Jackson and April have a conversation that I so wish they'd do something like it on the show. It's been a long time coming. I'm guessing there's going to be around 3 more chapters, but it might possibly work out to one or two more. Thanks for sticking around. I've also started planning an AU Japril fic, which I'm super excited about, as well as well as one regarding a baby for them (which chronicles from the start of the pregnancy up until after the birth,) but more on those later.

I should probably go now, since I'm in the crew for my school's play and tech notes discussion started twenty minutes ago.

Reviews would be great! Thanks! ***