All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 8
***So here's the next chapter, as promised, on time. (For once…he he he.) Hopefully I can keep this up. Anyways, I really hope you guys like this chapter; I spend a lot of time trying to get a specific conversation right. I think you'll know which one it is. Next update could be either on Tuesday or Thursday next week. Please review! ***
A calm, cool breeze ruffled through the June air as April walked out of the hotel doors. The boards were over. Miraculously, they had gone much better than expected for the second and third sessions. April's active nerves had diminished to a flutter in her stomach. She had stopped stuttering and swallowing. Perhaps she had really just needed a push, the knowledge that somebody believed in her to through the most intense exam of her life.
She was no longer thinking about the boards, though. Her mind was buzzing heavily from her phone conversation with Jackson. She knew that he had been only comforting her as a friend, but she secretly was hoping for something more. She looked around the parking lot, trying to decide on a place to eat within walking distance. April stopped in her tracks as she noticed a person leaning against his car a few feet away. What is he doing here? She thought as her heart started beating uncommonly fast.
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Jackson looked up from his phone to see the approaching red head. He watched as she stopped and looked at him, an expression of both confusion and joy playing across her face. After the fastest drive to Portland, in which he was surprised he hadn't gotten pulled over, he'd spent a good deal of time preparing to explain why he was there, but he forgot all of it the split second he saw her. She made him breathless.
April looked stunning in her navy blue blazer and pant set. It was professional, but made her look sexy, as it hugged in all the right places. His heart was thudding as he waved, smiling. A grin broke out across her face as she kicked off her shoes and rushed towards him. Jackson had to admit that he was surprised by her reaction, but nevertheless, he was also overjoyed. He instinctively took a few steps towards her and opened his arms. April collided into him, and he threw his arms around her, hugging tightly, as she did the same. He heard her sigh slightly, and a jolt of unknown origins went through him. The stayed like that, arms around each other, embracing tightly in the middle of the hotel parking lot. Jackson placed his chin on top of her head and breathed in her familiar scent. He could feel her body pressed against him, and thought he was feeling slightly aroused, he mostly only felt a tingling feeling of how right this was.
"Hey," he said softly, after a minute of holding her tightly. "You okay?"
She only nodded slightly against his chest.
"Umm…can I have a little bit of room to breathe?" He joked, but immediately regretted his words as she stepped away, looking up at his hesitantly.
"Sorry, it's just-well, I guess I'm relieved to see a familiar face." She admitted in exasperation, though still sighing in relief. "What are you doing here, anyways?" she added, blushing slightly.
Jackson led her over to his car, and she leaned against it. "I don't know exactly," he said slowly, trying to figure out how he was going to explain him showing up without revealing the entire real reason. "I just thought, cause you seemed so stressed, you might need a friend. For after, I mean. Someone to reassure you. I wasn't doing anything incredibly important anyways. Plus, you probably need that drink, or multiple drinks, I guess." He laughed nervously as April gave him a knowing look with raised eyebrows.
"Well, thank you," she sighed. "And thanks for talking me down earlier. It helped a lot, actually," she smiled up at him. He was standing in front of her, hands in his pockets, shifting back and forth awkwardly.
"No problem. Helped get me out of the most boring conference. How did the rest of the boards go?"
She shrugged. "Better. A lot better, actually. You had my back in there, though, so thank you. I guess I just needed to know that somebody believed in me."
"You know, I'm not the only one. I don't know, how you've managed to spend so much time doubting how amazing of a doctor you are. Ask anybody at the hospital, they'll all tell you the same thing. You're great." He held her gaze for a moment, making sure she knew he was being honest. He needed to get that across, make sure she got it. She nodded and smiled, though she still looked a little doubtful. They both dropped their gazes and Jackson traced circles on the pavement with his shoes.
April glanced over at her abandoned high heels lying a few feet away. "I'll be right back." Jackson nodded his head in acknowledgment and watched her receding, then returning figure; admiring the way she now held herself. She looked more confident.
"What?" April stopped a few feet in front of him, giving him a puzzled look.
"Uh…" He shook his head and blinked his few times. He didn't want to admit that he'd been staring, and looked down again awkwardly. "What do you say we take that as-many-drinks-as-you-want deal now?"
He was relieved to see her grin. "I'd love that."
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"I'm telling you, you did fine. You passed." Jackson took April's phone out of her hands and set it down on the table. He had just come back from the bar with their third round of drinks. They were sitting in a small booth at the back of a small bar in downtown Portland. It was plain, but seemed to have good food. There were vintage posters of pin-up girls and men in muscle shirts scattered on the wall. It luckily wasn't too crowded. They had driven straight from the boards hotel, though left time for her to pack her suitcase and put it in his car. Sitting down, there had been awkward small talk, but they had relapsed into comfortable conversation as always.
"Maybe I didn't pass though. They probably hate me." April slumped back in the booth, a frown on her face. Jackson rolled his eyes.
"The results will be up in half an hour, and there's no use stressing about it until then. You will be fine." He reached across the table and touched her hand. He felt her jump at the touch, and an electric-like shock ran through his arm. April moved her hand out from under his to grab her drink. They both stared at the table.
"If you say so," she said quietly.
Jackson reached for his drink as well, grimacing as he downed it in three gulps. He wasn't a lightweight, but it was strong. He wasn't exactly sure what his sleep accommodations for the night were to be, and driving wasn't an option if they kept drinking as they were. He knew April was planning on taking the bus back, but it had already gotten pretty late. He was hesitant to bring the topic up, though, judging by what had happened in a hotel room between the two of them last year. Jackson looked up and realized that April was looking at him. Her gaze seemed distant, though she was looking at him. There was a certain look of sadness present in her eyes.
"What?" He asked
"Uh….well, it's just that lately I've been thinking about Reed and Charles. I don't know, I guess I've just been wondering what it'd be like if they were still alive. I just keep thinking about what they'd say now, and who they'd be dating or whatever. Sometimes I even wonder what kind of surgeons they would be," she shrugged, a tender expression on her face.
Jackson was surprised; they almost never talked about their dead best friends. After the shooting, him and April had become so much closer as they navigated the hospital and made new friends, the two of them standing at two nearly identical funerals, speaking kind words but feeling numb inside. But after a few months, the topic of Reed Adamson and Charles Percy had become an almost forbidden one, one that was locked up, too painful to bring up. Jackson and April had both accepted that it was only the two of them against the world, and that's the way it had stayed for more than three years. They sat in silence, trying to find what to say, of all the things that had left been unsaid about their friends.
"Well," Jackson said lightly, "Reed-" he cut himself off. It was strange to say her name. "Reed would've probably become a pediatric surgeon. Or maybe a neonatal surgeon. She was always pretty great with kids, even if she wasn't to everybody else. Exactly like Karev, actually."
April laughed lightly. "You know, you're right. And she was like Karev. I could never tell whether or not she had a thing for him. I was her best friend, but she refused to admit it, even to me." She tipped her head back, draining the last of her whisky.
"Would've broken Charles' heart if she did," Jackson added.
"He would've seriously injured Karev. As in, he would've been in such bad shape that-" April shook her head. "But Charles, I could never tell what type of surgeon he would've become. He was always changing his mind." She looked over at Jackson. "Then again, I didn't know that I wanted to be in trauma until fourth year."
Jackson sighed and laughed as he remembered their trauma training, and how she'd discovered her love for trauma. "I could never tell either. I think he would've been good for ortho, though. He always liked it. Plus, I think him and Torres would've made a pretty good team."
April tipped her head to the side as she thought about it. "Yeah, they would've, actually. He was always really interested in neuro, though."
"I don't think that would've worked out. Plus, him and Shepherd working together? They would've hated each other." Jackson shrugged his shoulders and April rolled her eyes in agreement.
"I miss them. After the – uh, well, after they died, I kept expecting them to be there. You know, charting at the nurses' station, or starting an IV in the next room. I just kept thinking about them as if they were still there, though they weren't. Sometimes I still that, though. Not as often, but occasionally. I still think they're here. And then it just hits me all over again." April wasn't entirely sure what had possessed her to bring up Reed and Charles, though she was guessing the three hard drinks shed had and her remaining nerves over the boards were to blame. She held Jackson's gaze, playing with the glass in her hand as she waited for him to respond.
He didn't respond, just held her gaze and looked into her warm brown eyes. He was recalling the week they'd spent cleaning out the two apartments, his and Charles, hers and Reed's. He remembered feeling so helpless and completely oblivious to everything as he packed up box after box of clothes and DVDs and medical textbooks, Charles' collection of comics that he'd bee so proud of. He remembered April crying on the floor of Reed's bathroom, sorting through a box of nail polish and make up. He'd been there to help her, had sat down on the floor and rubbed her shoulder comfortingly as he could until she pulled herself together. They'd somehow managed to get through those few weeks, handed over the boxes to two stunned sets of parents, not wanting to meet their eyes, aware of the fat that they should've died too.
It had been the day after Reed's funeral that Meredith had stopped the two of them in the hallway of the hospital and asked if they wanted to move in. Both had automatically agreed, since taking the quiet of a half empty apartment had become unbearable. After that, Jackson never remembered April or anybody else mentioning their two friends. It was as if a door had been closed, and what lay behind it was an unexplored topic – until now.
"I –" Jackson broke the long silence, but stopped talking. He didn't have any words to say. "I guess I do, too. I miss them, I mean. You're right, I get that too sometimes. I think they'll be there, but they're not."
April nodded and reached towards her phone. Jackson looked down at her shaking figures. "My results will be in by now." She stood up and paced back and forth in front of the table. "Come on, come on…." She muttered.
"Look, April, you did fine, just come sit down instead of pressing the refresh-" He was cut off by the look of disbelief that appeared on her face. It quickly changed to joy as she looked up from the screen and at him.
"I passed." She breathed a sigh of relief.
He got up from the booth to stand in front of her. "See, I was right! I knew you would be fine." He smiled openly; he really was happy for her.
"I passed! Oh my god, I passed!" She yelled loudly, closing the gap between the two of them and putting her hands on his forearms. There was a certain sense of energetic relief in her smile.
"You did. 'Cause you're a soldi-" April suddenly leaned forward and cut Jackson off by kissing him. She was standing on her tiptoes, head tipped up. Her soft lips were crushed against his, and his arms instinctively moved to wrap around her waist, a sharp tingling running through his entire body. The smell of her, the way her hips felt pressed against his made him feel intoxicated. Any thoughts of how unexpected the kiss was, of how they were not supposed to be doing this were far from Jackson's mind.
All too soon, she was pulling away, and he was unceremoniously jolted back to the present. He realized that it had only been a few seconds, though the few blissful moments had felt much longer. He looked down at April as he tried to catch his breath. All from a single, short kiss, and he was left stunned. She stood frozen in front of him, her eyes down cast as her face grew red, a look of shame and embarrassment spread across her face.
The beginnings and ends of thoughts swirled around inside of April's head as she tried to find the words to explain to Jackson why she'd kissed him. The truth was she really didn't know. She would've liked to think it was because of the alcohol, but the truth was he had been standing there, and then she was kissing him and it had felt better than anything she'd done in the past six months. She'd felt electrified, but a sense of desperation and passion had become present as she'd come to her senses and started to pull away. Jackson had dropped his arms from around her, and she resisted the urge to reach down and pull them around her once more. The only phrase her fuzzy brain was able to process was something they'd said quite a bit while together. "Something that feels this good can't be bad, right?" April stared at the ground as she desperately tried to rid the circling words from her head.
The two stood in front of the booth as calm chatter and groups of people clinking glasses surrounded them. They were still standing so close; April could feel Jackson's hot breath on her cheek as she stared intently at the wooden floorboards. It felt as if time was frozen. Jackson was looking down at her, a look of desire even he was aware of present in his eyes, though it was mixed with tenderness and confusion. Silence hung suspended between them. Neither wanted to break it. Neither had anything to say.
"I, uh…" April looked up, not meeting his gaze, attempting to explain, but no words came. She was about to try again, but was interrupted by her phone ringing. She grabbed it from the table and a sensation of guilt rushed through her. The caller ID read Matthew, who was probably calling to ask how her boards had gone. She knew he was also checking to make sure she had gotten home alright, since she was supposed to be back in Seattle by now. How could she have forgotten to call him? She'd promised to as soon as her boards were done. After meeting Jackson, she'd been swept up in a bubble where everything else had been forgotten. The reality that she'd kissed him, basically cheating on Matthew, hit her. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes as she stared blankly at the phone screen. Taking a deep breath, she looked at Jackson. "I'll be right back," she said quietly, hoping he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. Of all that had happened between them, April knew she'd spent too much time blaming him and letting him feel guilty, and she didn't want to do that again. She made her way over to the entrance of the bar and pressed the receive call button.
"Hey." She hoped her voice wasn't shaking.
"April! How did your boards go?" Matthew's voice crackled on the other end of the phone line.
She sighed inwardly. "Great, actually. I passed, so I guess I'm now a full attending."
"Awesome! I knew you would pass. We should plan a time to celebrate."
"Yeah, definitely," she laughed nervously, guilt rising in her rapidly.
"Are you at Joe's now? I can head over if you are."
April realized he could probably hear the voices and clink of glasses in the background. "Uh, no, actually…I'm still in Portland. It was getting late and I wanted to get something to eat first, so I thought I'd stay overnight again. The hotel still had extra rooms anyways." She spoke quickly, hoping he wouldn't realize she was lying. She was pretty bad at it, and normally people could tell how untruthful she was being. She wasn't exactly sure where she was going to sleep tonight, whether she would head back to Seattle with Jackson or try to find a hotel close to the bar they were in.
"Oh, okay. Well, call me when you get home." Matthew sounded slightly disappointed.
"Will do. Bye." She was just about to hang up when Matthew added, "Oh, and April?"
"Yeah…?" She trailed off hesitantly.
"Congratulations," he said warmly. She thanked him and hung up, trying not to cry. She hugged her phone to her chest as she willed the tears to go away. How was she here again? How had she managed to get herself in the position to Matthew over Jackson twice? She'd promised herself she would never lie to him again, and yet, here she was, doing so after kissing Jackson in a bar in Portland. She wished the knot in her stomach would leave, it was supposed to be gone, never to return after her boards. Granted, it was one full of guilt, not nervousness or panic. But what made her feel the worst was that she knew the guilt was only coming from the fact that she was still hurting Matthew, that she had to lie to him. Kissing Jackson? She couldn't regret that, no matter how hard she tried to make herself.
April looked across the bar at the plastic surgeon. He was worriedly talking on his phone, pacing back and forth and nodding. He looked over at her, but she averted her eyes. It took he a few seconds to realize he was walking towards her, both their jackets on his arm. He pocketed his cellphone, but the tense expression remained on his face. She looked up at him, trying to keep her face neutral.
"That was Alex," he said, handing her coat to her. "It's about Mer."
"Oh my god is she okay? Is it the baby?" Worry swirled in April's voice.
"She's had a placental abruption. They don't know how bad it is yet or how it's affected the baby. She's just gone into surgery. It's not going to be clean or pretty, though. There was no sign of bleeding, she just started to get severe cramping, so they don't know when the abruption happened." Jackson grimaced. "But Derek needs to stay at the hospital, and Cristina was well, but they want somebody to look after Zola. Take her home and stay with her until the morning, make sure everything stays normal for her is what Meredith wants, I guess. The daycare's closed and everybody else is stuck in surgery. Alex was calling from in between surgeries. He tried to get ahold of you a few minutes ago, but couldn't since you were on the phone, so he phoned me. He wanted to know if you or I could do it. I said yes. I knew you would want to go."
April only nodded. Even though her and Meredith weren't incredibly close, they were friends and had gotten closer in the past year. April had also spent a lot of time babysitting Zola for her. She wanted to be there to help. "Let's go, then." She sighed. Jackson followed April out the door to the bar, and back to Seattle.
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***Well, I hope everybody enjoyed this chapter! Thanks for sticking around and being so patient. I would love reviews, if possible. I'll try to have the next chapter up for either Tuesday or Wednesday. ***