All Roads Lead Me Here – Chapter 9
***So…. I know I owe everybody who at one time read this story an apology. A BIG one at that. Honestly, I am so sorry I haven't updated in months. I don't even have that big of an excuse, either. I mean, I've had a jam-packed schedule for the last 6 months, but I still could've made time to write. Really, I guess the problem was that I just was not motivated to write, and whenever I tried, it just ended up being a big, disorganized mess. But anyways, I have finally figured out this story. I always knew where I wanted to go with it, but I just found it increasingly hard to put into words exactly what that was. So, if you're still interested in reading, here's chapter 9. If not, I absolutely 100% understand. It may seem like I forgot about it, but that isn't true. I all of a sudden just couldn't go anywhere with it and it took me forever to sort out the next two chapters. I will say that I am done writing this fic, and the next two chapters will be up within a week. I've also started writing two other Japril stories, and the first chapters of each should be up within the next few days. If you're still interested in my fics, I promise you that I will try my best to update as much as possible. I hope everyone had a great Halloween and a lovely weekend!
Reminder for this fic: Jackson broke up with Stephanie long ago, and April is not engaged to Matthew, she's only dating him. Jackson also is planning to move to New York, and working on a clinical trial with Mark's old mentor as well. ***
Chapter 9
The drive back to Seattle was almost completely silent, though filled with awkward silence and worry over Meredith and her baby. The two of them didn't talk much, only exchanging a sentence or two every half an hour. April fiddled with the radio to make up for the lack of conversation, switching from station to station. Jackson concentrated on the road, trying to shake the fuzziness the alcohol had caused in his system, and driving rather fast again. He was surprised that for the second time that day he hadn't been pulled over. After three tense hours, they arrived back at Grey Sloan Memorial.
The two of them rushed into the doors and up to the surgical floor. They spotted Derek sitting with Zola in his lap with Cristina sitting beside him. They were both trying to calm the crying toddler down, though they were clearly distracted and worried about more pressing matters. Derek kept murmuring softly to her, but she seemed to know something was wrong, and continued to cry for Meredith. Derek looked up as Jackson and April approached.
"Oh, good," he sighed. "Thanks for coming, both of you." Turning to Zola, he explained, "Daddy's going to stay here and make sure mama and your baby brother are okay, alright? And you're going to go with Jackson and April. You remember them, right? They're a lot of fun, remember how much they played with you at the old house? They'll tuck you into bed and read you a goodnight story. Everything will be okay, and you'll see me in the morning." He kissed his daughter on the forehead.
Zola whimpered but hugged April's shoulder tight when Derek handed her over. April was glad that she and the toddler knew each other well; her and Jackson had been her roommates at Meredith's old house and had spent a good deal of time babysitting her at the hospital when her parents were stuck in surgery. Derek gave Jackson his keys for the house and to get Zola's car seat from their car. April began to walk down the hallway, but Jackson lingered to ask Derek about Meredith. He wanted to know, and he knew April would as well.
"How bad is it?" He asked cautiously.
"It's…." Derek sighed. "It could be worse. The OB thinks that they'll both pull through just fine, but we should prepare ourselves just in case." Derek rubbed his eyes. "I'll phone you guys later with an update and let you know when you can bring Zola in." Cristina stared straight ahead, not saying a word, which was rather alarming, since she normally always had something to say.
"Okay, I'll…uh…. make sure to keep my phone on. Anything else I can do?" Jackson asked.
Derek shook his head. "No, just make sure Zola is okay. I just didn't want her to spend the night here in such a morbid atmosphere." Jackson nodded in agreement before turning around and catching up with April.
The drive to Meredith and Derek's was, again, a silent one between Jackson and April. April sat in the back seat beside Zola, soothing her. The little girl kept asking for her mommy. April's heart melted for her. She knew that placental abruptions were not the most uncommon pregnancy complication, not particularly life threatening for the mother, though it was a different story for the baby. She was hopeful that everything would work out just fine, but she didn't want to give Zola false hope. If Meredith had to go under full anesthetic, there was a chance there had been excessive bleeding or sepsis. She had only been a week from her due date, but since nobody was sure when the abruption had occurred, the damage was uncertain.
"Where's mama?" Zola asked again. "I wanna see her."
"Oh, sweetie, I know," April sighed. "But we'll get you home and warm and cozy in bed, and you can see them tomorrow."
Jackson watched the interaction between the two of them from the mirror. He couldn't help but notice how loving and gentle April was with Zola, and how she would make such a good mother. He smiled slightly, his mind wandering into the promises he'd made her months before, and turning into the driveway.
April unbuckled Zola from her car seat and gathered her in her arms. She met Jackson at the end of the driveway; he was standing there and staring at the dark house.
"Should we, uh, go in?" April suggested. "Do you want to see your favorite teddy?" She asked Zola. The little girl nodded, her head drooping on April's shoulder.
Jackson unlocked the front door and ran around, turning on as many lights as possible. He looked over at April, who was still standing at the rug in front of the door. She met his eyes. "It's weird to be here. Without them, and just with Zola, I mean. It's really weird." She admitted quietly.
Jackson nodded. "Yeah, I guess it is." He watched as April moved across the living room, murmuring to Zola.
"I'm going to go get her ready for bed and tuck her in," she said softly.
Jackson put his hands in his pockets awkwardly. The two of them were standing stiffly and a few feet apart; him by the couch, and her by the stairs. "Do you want help?" he asked, looking at the tired toddler.
"No, it's fine. I'll come down once she's asleep. You can leave, though. I've got this," she said tentatively.
"No, I want to say. If that's okay." His voice was soft, yet husky. He cautiously looked into her eyes, and she looked back. He saw so many mixed emotions, which was exactly how he felt. He watched as she turned and headed up the stairs.
"Okay. I'll be back down in a few," she called over her shoulder.
Jackson sighed and sat back on the couch. He turned on the TV with the remote sitting on the coffee table and switched to the basketball game. He tired to concentrate on it, but was soon lost in his own thoughts as he overheard April's soft words as she soothed Zola. He kept thinking about their kiss earlier. He recalled how they'd wrapped their arms around each other, completely lost in the moment, and how she'd dug her hips into him. He felt desperation in himself and in her he'd never known before. The feeling still lingered. It was funny how one, short kiss could bring back such a flood of memories; memories of all the times they'd lain side by side, their hands stroking each other absentmindedly, and how the fire, though dulled down from time apart, was still there. Jackson had been under the impression that because he loved her, he would be able to leave for New York, and let her be happy with the life she wanted – one that didn't really include him. But now, as he remembered the softness of her skin, the way her fingers had dug into his back, and how their bodies had almost naturally molded together – it seemed a near impossible task. Her phoning him for help, his immediate impulse to rush to her aid, and the way her lips had felt had brought everything back. Every sense of yearning and passion that had been sleeping was now awake.
It didn't help matters that they were now looking after Zola together. Jackson supposed he could go, and avoid awkward small talk, but he didn't really want to leave. As much as he tried to push the thought away, he kept coming back to the day of the pregnancy scare and the day he had promised to marry her. He had promised an amazing kid, a house, a wedding – whatever she wanted, because the two of them could truly do it. He hadn't been exactly sure what he had wanted, but she'd been scared and what he'd said had made her happy. He had given her a solution, and at the time, he had supposed it was what he wanted too – as long as it made her happy. But now he knew it was what he wanted. What if she had been pregnant? He closed his eyes and tried to avoid thinking too much of what their life would've been like currently. Her due date would've been around now, and they would've been preparing for a baby. Jackson wondered what their wedding would've been like, what kind of house they would be living in, and what babies names they would've fought over. He wondered whether he would have hankered down and painted a nursery. What color? Would they have found out if their baby were a boy or girl? His head started to spin as he desperately tried to figure out how a woman had completely managed to change his mind about everything he wanted.
His thoughts were interrupted by footsteps on the stairs. April walked into the kitchen and smiled tightly over at him, though avoiding his eyes once more.
"Zola' asleep. I guess- we'll just have to be quiet and listen for her." She pattered around the kitchen, moving left over dishes into the dishwasher quietly.
Jackson placed his hands on his legs and stood up. He swallowed before making his way over to the kitchen. "Listen, about what happened earlier, I just need to know-"
"I'm sorry, can we both just forget about it," April sighed and stared into the sink, wringing the washcloth out.
"I'm sure I want to-"
"Jackson, just please-" She shook her head as he cut her off.
"Can you just listen to me for once-" Jackson raised his voice, but was cut off himself by his phone ringing. He glanced over at it, sitting on the coffee table, before looking back at her with raised eyebrows.
"You should answer that," she stated quietly, before looking down and starting to wipe the counters. Jackson sighed as he turned his back to her and rushed to the coffee table. Picking up his phone, he read the called ID: Dr. John Greenway.
"Hello?" he answered as professionally as possible, though a twinge of annoyance was clear in his voice.
"Dr. Avery, it's Greenway. I'm just checking up on your plans. You arrive in New York in two weeks, am I right? Have you finished all the preliminary forms for the trial?" Greenway sounded casual, yet Jackson knew he was prying. He supposed it was his job, after all.
"Yeah, I have. No worries. I'll be ready in two weeks." He had practically spent every spare moment and a good deal of time in boring board meetings reading through the required documents concerning the trial. He knew who the first round of patients was, their backstories, and the exact treatment method for each of them. He was ready, and excited to make a change in his career, even if something so much more important kept his mind in Seattle.
"Excellent. And I trust you're all packed?"
"Yeah, I am. Listen, if you don't have anything else important to discuss with me, I'm sort of in the middle of something." Jackson tried to keep the edge out of his voice.
"No, I don't have anything else. Sorry, it's late, so you must have a woman with you," Greenway said suggestively.
"Well, not exactly. Anyways, thank you." He barely heard the plastic surgeon say goodbye before he hung up. Jackson looked over at April before sitting down on the couch. She was washing the dishcloth rather intently. He wasn't sure why exactly he was staying, since April was fully capable of looking after Zola herself, but he didn't want to leave. He was hesitant to keep pressing her for answers about why she'd kissed him earlier; they were about to spend the night in the same house, after all. Maybe he was just staying to cling to a far off fantasy of their abandoned life together that would probably never actually happen. His only other option was to go back to an apartment full of boxes that would only remind him of what he was leaving behind: her. He sat back on the couch and tried to focus on the basketball game, but kept glancing up at April. Silence followed suite, and he could feel the tension between the two of them, even across the room from each other.
"So, was that Greenway?" Jackson looked up as April's voice broke the silence tentatively. She was looking at him as she leaned against the island in the kitchen, her hands planted on the now shiny surface.
"Uh…. yeah, it was." Jackson gave her a small smile. She looked down.
"You're really leaving, then?" She asked quietly, speaking to the table.
"Yeah. I am," he nodded and looked back up to the TV screen as everything faded to silence again. He heard her leave the kitchen and caught her movement out of the corner of his eye and she came and stood behind the couch opposite him. He meant to quickly glance her at her, but he couldn't look away once he realized the look in her eyes. It looked like hurt. "You okay?"
She cleared her throat and squeezed her eyes shut. "Yeah, I', fine. I was wondering, I mean, if you're staying, where we'll sleep." She trailed off and looked down at the brown fabric of the couch cushions. Jackson watched her red hair, now loose as it cascaded in front of her shoulders. He was surprised how her beauty just kept hitting him over and over at the most random moments, and rendering him speechless, though he was always aware of it.
"Well, they have a guest room over there, right?" He pointed to the door that had been left ajar, just on the other side of the staircase. April looked over.
"Yeah." She walked over and pushed the door open. "The bed's, um, made up and everything, and I know you can hear Zola crying from in here. You can take the bed and I'll take the couch. Just wake me if she's really upset."
Jackson stood up again and walked over to her. "What? No, you take the bed so you'll be comfortable. You've had a longer day than I have. Plus, it's probably better if you listen for Zola." He smiled and laid his hand gently on her arm. She shied away from his touch, and gave him a close-mouthed, tight-lip smile in return.
"Fine. Zola's a pretty good sleeper, though. Whenever I've babysat her before, she's never woken up." They stood awkwardly in front of one another before April turned around and headed into the bedroom. She was careful to leave the door ajar to listen for Zola, and promptly crawled directly under the sheets. She hadn't brought her small suitcase from the boards inside and she didn't want to have to pass Jackson again. Her skin flushed furiously as she thought of him spread out on the couch. She could hear him rustling around, settling down, and the sliver of light that had ran into her room went out. April looked up at the ceiling, and stared into the darkness. She was fuzzy from the long day and lack of sleep, and her thoughts kept bumping into each other and tangling together. Her hand traveled to her mouth as she brushed her fingers over her lips. It felt as if Jackson was beside her, as if he had leaned over and pressed his lips to hers just moments before. She really wished he were beside her. It wasn't long before she fell into an uneasy sleep.
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Hours passed. Jackson stared at the half-empty glass of water sitting on the coffee table. The curtains weren't drawn and moonlight cast into the room, illuminating objects that he used to distract himself from the fact that April was in the next room. It had been hours, with the minutes slowly ticking by, and yet he was unable to sleep. Occasionally he would hear her sigh in her sleep, the comforter rustling with her movements. Part of him was half-hoping he'd get an urgent call from the hospital, just to interrupt him from his circling thoughts of April; her lips, her body, which were so close, and the voice that kept echoing louder and louder inside his head. What really kept him wide awake, though, were the words that Mark Sloan had spoken to him almost a year before, which seemed to be growing louder and louder.
"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there."
Jackson sighed deeply and sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. He wished Mark's advice wasn't right. He wanted April to know that he loved her, but how could he tell her? It would ruin everything; the somewhat cautious friendship that they had managed to repair. He just wished she already knew, and that things weren't so hard.
Standing up, he made his way quietly over to the kitchen, as to not wake Zola or April. Filling up the water glass, he took big gulps and set it down, staring out the dark windows. He glanced to the open door that led to where April was sleeping. He felt a bit as if he was asleep and in a delirious dream. The only reason he knew he wasn't was because of the feel of the cold, hard floorboards beneath his feet.
He found himself standing in front of her door. He took a deep breath as he watched her sleeping frame flutter underneath the duvet cover, and the spill of red hair that was flung across the pillow.
"I love you," he said quietly to the dark room. Everything remained still, though Jackson felt an odd sensation go through him as the truth of saying the words out loud hit him. "I'm sorry I can't tell you." He listened to her quiet breathing, and walked out of the room, wishing things were different. Somehow he felt that he'd not only disappointed himself, but also Mark.
***There you have it! New chapter. I would love reviews, even if they are just to yell at me about how long it took for a new chapter. If you prefer giving me the silent treatment, though, I also understand. See you all soon with more fanfiction. ***