CHAPTER THREE
The medical team had given the all clear for both citrus and poisons. Daylia had been ecstatic, Rodney quiet and had remained introvert all day. John had followed through on his promise to Rodney and was now sitting in one of the huts atop a comfortable bed, still in full uniform. They had opted to stay dressed, just in case. The doctors were standing by in the square outside, the guest huts edging one side of it, with a shot to wake him if necessary, you couldn't be too careful in the Pegasus galaxy, it would be just their luck that the first culling in eons occurred while he slept.
John took a sip of the drink, allowing it to sit on his tongue and coat his mouth as he assessed the taste, looking for any hint of that sharp tang. The scientists had checked for citrus of course, but John couldn't allow Rodney to take a drink without knowing he'd done all he could to protect him. He pressed his tongue against the roof of his mouth, pressing the liquid to see if any other flavours were released before rolling the liquid around, it tasted like liquorice, but no citrus. He swallowed down the mouth full, taking another to be sure before he swallowed that and nodded to Telya, who stood waiting patiently, "Tell him it's safe."
John could already feel the effects, starting to feel drowsy as he looked into the bottom of the small cup, just one more mouthful left. He shrugged, what the hell, and tipped the cup to take the last of the nectar. He looked up to find Teyla had left, no doubt to join Rodney before he retired to his own hut, only Ronon remained. They had decided that one of their team should stay with them during the slumber, just in case. Teyla would sit by Rodney as he slept, and Ronon with him.
John shook his head, trying to shake the fog away, he felt like he was on some kind of anesthetic, feeling stupid and slow. He attempted to put the cup on the bedside table, fumbling it until Ronon took the cup from him and put it on the table with alarming ease. John stayed leaning on his elbows while he blinked at it slowly, the knowledge it was safe finally sinking through and he let himself fall back on the bed, looking up into the thatch of the hut, blinking slowly as each blink came further and further apart until sleep finally took him away. Unseen by John, Ronon leaned forward and watched him closely for a while, before pushing the chair back on two legs and putting his feet up on the bed, arms crossing his chest as he sat back and watched, and waited.
In John's head, a lifetime of images played out, to be followed by another and another. All the joy and heartbreak of a single lifetime condensed down to snapshots of events that led John through a life as he relived it, only to be followed by another through the history of ages. He was slightly different in each life, subtle differences, but still him. The lives played out with different names in different times and different places, the only thing that remained the same was Rodney's soul that he recognised in every incantation.
In each lifetime, the light would catch Rodney's blue eyes just so, making them shine incandescent. Each time it happened, John would feel the light go on inside, all his feelings suddenly laid bare in the bright light of an epiphany as he realised he loved Rodney McKay. In each lifetime it was the same, bright blue eyes were like a punch to the gut.
In some they knew each other all their lives, in others they found each other only to lose one another to illness, war, accidents. It didn't take John long to realise he preferred when he was the one to go first, because the ache he felt waiting for that life to finish so he could see Rodney again was the most painful he had ever known. Life after Rodney was day after day of an ache that never waned, while living with him was vivid and content.
John had never found contentment in this life, something he didn't even know he wanted until now, it had always sounded such a bland word but these past lives made it something wonderful, Rodney gave him peace, and love, and laughter. In some they found each other early and remained together until the end. Each life had one thing in common, that when they were together John was happier than he ever thought possible. The snapshots were full of fond looks, of gentle kisses, soft caresses, passion and always, always laughter.
Until one life, where John was military once again. In this life he was confused by his love for Rodney and turned away. John said cruel things to Rodney and tried to avoid him. This life was torture to live through, to see the bruised, hurt eyes that he had already loved for endless lifetimes and know he was the cause. John wanted to reach out as he had in other times and brush the hurt away, but it could not be changed, it had already happened. He had to watch himself destroy both of them and endure a life without Rodney.
It seemed in the next, that he somehow knew he had to make amends, more or less running into Rodney's arms, never to leave his side. It was like a balm to John's aching soul, making amends for the previous life but never quite managing to squash the guilt he felt. In each life after that, John bent to Rodney's needs, as if trying for evermore to make up for the things he said and the pain he had caused.
Then came the life where Rodney turned away from him. It left him confused and hurting, until the letter arrived informing him of Rodney's death. Attached was a letter from Rodney telling John that he was loved more than he knew how to put into words, and why he had turned away, that it was done to save John the shallow existence of caring for someone with a debilitating illness. John lived out that life in anger that Rodney had robbed him of their time together, robbed him of a chance to ease his suffering, just to be in his presence.
After that, it seemed no excuses were accepted. If one tried to turn away then the other pulled them back and every life that came after, were spent together. The innocent lives they had initially spent together were gone, now each seemed aware the other had the ability to hurt them in their very soul. Each pain taken into the next life, but in each life the time they spent together proved they would never hurt each other again, they proved the risk was always worth it.
The remembrance of the pain they had caused the other seemed to travel with them, and warn them against ever doing so again. They were evenly balanced now, each holding power over the other, each fragile under the other. Now their lives started out hesitant and wary, but still they found each other, unable to turn away a second time, and together they healed and still those snapshots remained of love and laughter and an almost audible click that felt more right than breathing.
Eventually John found himself in this life, snapshots of his life flitting before his eyes, but only just touching on Atlantis when he felt consciousness pull at him. Except these were snapshots he never knew existed. Glances from Rodney that he had never seen, soft blue eyes that followed him, all laid bare for him to witness, to accept. But each snapshot was met with confusion. Rodney was straight, and yet, there it was, the same love he had witnessed repeatedly. John slowly woke, lying still as he tried to parse all that he had seen.
John lay looking at the ceiling until Ronon's gruff voice startled him, "You okay?"
John looked over, taking in Ronon and relaxing instantaneously. "What?" Erm...yeah, fine." he stuttered out, mouth feeling dry and gritty. "Any chance of breakfast in bed?" He asked hopefully.
"Doctor Nugen is waiting to give you the all clear," Ronon warned.
John groaned, "Can you get me a few minutes to get my head together."
Ronon looked him over, judging for himself that John was fine before he nodded. "Okay, I'll just go get you something to eat, water is there," he said as he nodded to the jug next to the bed.
"Any news on Rodney, yet?" John asked, just as Ronon was rising. He admonished himself, should have said McKay, not Rodney. He should have waited till he woke up properly before he asked, but as usual his worry for Rodney always trailed impatience to hear the all clear.
"Nothing happened so far or they would have told me. Just waiting on him waking up. I'll check while I get breakfast."
John smiled in relief, for both the water and the update, "Thanks."
"I won't be able to keep her out for long," Ronon said as he made his way to the door.
John nodded in agreement as he reached for the cup, already full and waiting. He took a long drink, and it felt like heaven, taking away the bitter grittiness in his mouth. He put the drink back on the table and fell back against the bed. Alone now his thoughts turned back to his dreams. His thoughts should have been full of shock that Rodney was his soulmate, but instead the only thing that filled his mind were the times when he wasn't. Rodney's bruised eyes still hurt like a physical pain, John still wanted to reach back in time to brush the pain he had caused away.
Then a thought occurred to him, was it real? John was aware of his own attraction to Rodney, caught himself watching those wide shoulders, caught himself mooning over biceps like an idiot. He'd realised early on that Rodney's blue eyes had the power to captivate him, and it didn't take him long to realise how deep he was into Rodney or how one sided the attraction was. He'd often thought of this, was that what this was? Just a wish filled dream, inspired by the beliefs of the Karmani? The dreams had been so vivid, and more, they had felt so right.
John realised he was wasting his time. Even if it was, what did it matter? John knew Rodney was straight, in this lifetime it wasn't to be. He remembered the last few snapshots of their time here, but that could just be the love of friendship, given everything we shared before it would be just as deep as lovers, maybe that's all there was to it, maybe this was one more lifetime that I have to endure without Rodney.
Then he was back to wondering if it was real, if he truly would be with Rodney in the next life, until John remembered Rodney was currently repeating this same experience. Would he have the same dream? That would be the tell, wouldn't it? If Rodney dreamed the same, then it would have to be true, wouldn't it? So, Rodney was straight in this lifetime, but in the next? There was an anticipation, that even if not in this time, eventually he and Rodney would be together again as they should be.
John could feel the slow drawl of a smile as he blinked slowly up at the ceiling. So, he didn't get to hold Rodney this time, but next time he would, and at least this time they had still found each other, become friends. At least this time he still had Rodney in his life, because the life where Rodney had turned him away had stretched on in loneliness and despair, and he'd take this over that any day.
But then another thought occurred; What if he did dream the same? He would know what they had been previously. For a straight man, that has to be some shock. Rodney would be expecting some Col. Carter look alike and instead he'd get Colonel John Sheppard, dark hair and definitely male. How would he react? He'd panic, that's what he'd do. He was a Canadian civilian, so he may have been okay knowing I'm gay, but seeing me be gay with his body over and over is a different thing entirely. Could we still be friends after that? Could he even look me in the eye after that?
John tried not to get sidetracked by the memories that assaulted him. If he let himself, he had enough material for the long lonely nights to last another lifetime. But then, Rodney didn't know for sure what John was in this lifetime, did he? If Rodney could be straight this time, then surely I might be too. Okay, so I'm not, but Rodney doesn't need to know that, does he? But, what if it comes out and Rodney found out I lied. If Rodney asks me outright, can I lie? John sighed, No. I can't lie to him, besides, I'll give myself away, hell, surprised I haven't already and now Rodney will be looking for it, analysing everything. He's hardly going to forget last night is he? What to do. Damn.
John was scheduled to go back for a full medical due to taking an alien substance. It had been tested and cleared, but the doctors had still insisted on a full medical. Rodney would be waking in four or five hours from now, having taken a full dose, and John had intended to wait for him and travel through together, but this gave him the excuse to leave now. John realised that if he waited for Rodney only to find he wouldn't even look him in the eye, he would not be able to hide the degree of pain that would cause, and it filled John full of fear for what might happen to their friendship if that was the case.
If he travelled back alone, then he could have his medical and wait in his quarters. If there was going to be a fall out then it was best it happened behind closed doors, because John didn't think he'd be able to lie to Rodney, and admitting John wanted him in front of his marines wasn't a smart move.
Also, with just the two of them, maybe he could convince Rodney that he could live with just friendship, that it was never just about the sex, if Rodney had seen the same things then he had to realise that too, right? Convince him that John was content with this, if Rodney would let him. That he'd never ask for more.
But, every day hope for more. After seeing how perfect they were together he couldn't help but want more. After living without him, I could settle for this. Even if he ached with it, he could live with it. I just have to convince Rodney of that, and in order to do that I need time to myself, get my head straight, convince myself that I can do this. That I can have Rodney this close, and never try to pull him closer. One mistake, and their friendship would shatter and fade away to nothing. Just one mistake is all it would take.
Ronon came back in at that point and John had to push the thoughts away, this is why he needed to get back to Atlantis so he could think about this without having to maintain normal appearances. He pushed himself up to sitting position and reached out for the tray of food and drink that Ronon handed over with a warning, "Doc says you got thirty minutes and then she's coming in."
John huffed in annoyance, he hated doctors, "Way to put me off my food," he groused, reaching for the fruit juice to wash the last of the tonics after taste away that water just couldn't manage.
Ronon huffed a laugh as he sat down with a massive, unrepentant grin on his face that showed he felt no guilt at all, and John couldn't help but respond as always, with a smile and a shake of his head.
Ronon leaned forward, "So?"
John was busy thinking ahead, and eating, so answered distractedly, "So what?"
"Did you see your soulmate?" Sheppard glanced over at him, and found that sly smile on his face that always looked as if he was holding back the punch line.
John swallowed his mouthful of food down hard, taking a sip of juice to help knock it down while he thought. All the while his mind was racing, he would have dismissed the whole thing, but he couldn't forget Ronon's face when he told them about his wife. It seemed cruel to say he didn't believe in soulmates when Ronon so obviously believed, and John knew it to be true. But, equally, he couldn't confide that it was Rodney, he figured they should talk first.
John hadn't even thought about this, what to say when people asked, so caught off guard he just shrugged, "I didn't recognise 'em," he said as innocently as he could. He didn't really want to lie to Ronon too much, keeping as close to the truth as he dared, but if he could avoid actually stating what sex his soulmate was, he would.
"What did they look like?" Ronon asked, John frowned a little when Ronon used the word they instead of he or her, but figured maybe his luck was in, he certainly wasn't going to question it, couldn't without causing questions he couldn't answer to be asked right back at him.
"Dark hair, nice eyes," John shrugged, not sure what else to say without it sounding like Rodney. He figured Ronon might let him change the subject, everyone knew he hated talking about this stuff. "That tonic leaves a nasty taste in your mouth, and a hole in your stomach. I want to get this down before Doc comes in."
Ronon nodded, "Sure," and leant back, watching John.
John just concentrated on his tray, making his way through the food, trying not to notice Ronon watching him out of the corner of his eye. He held up a purple piece of fruit, "Tell Teyla to make sure they don't serve Rodney this one, k?" he asked, feeling overly paranoid about mentioning Rodney, but unable to risk not to in this case. "Citrus," he said as he put it to one side, suddenly finding it unappetising.
He'd witnessed one of Rodney's attacks last year and the thought of eating citrus made him sick to his stomach ever since, he found himself avoiding it where he could,. If he could eradicate it from existence, he would. Tasting citrus on his tongue reminded him how helpless he had felt watching Rodney nearly die, the sharp taste was apt, because it felt like a sharp knife to his heart whenever he tasted it and remembered.
The door opened and John figured his thirty minutes were up as the Doctor came in. He'd eaten his fill anyway. He drank up the last of the berry juice and handed the tray over to Ronon who took it and left. John sat up on the side of the bed and suffered the ministrations of the quick medical survey, smiling in all the right places and answering the questions put to him.
When the doctor gave him the all clear and left, John went through to the bathroom and went through his ablutions, redressing in fresh clothes quickly. He'd packed his duffle on the supply sled last night so he only carried a small bag of supplies. When he exited the hut, he found Ronon waiting for him.
He smiled, "Got the first all clear. Any news on Rodney, yet?" he asked, hating the way his voice failed nonchalance, and feeling his heart speed up a little. Every time he mentioned his name, it felt like it was too obvious and everyone would realise who his soulmate truly was.
"He's fine, still sleeping. Teyla's still with him, and Daylia is there as well. I showed her the fruit. She'll make sure they keep it away from his food."
John nodded, "Good, good. Well, guess I'd best go get the second all clear."
Ronon started walking along side him. John cast him a frowned side glance, "Thought we said you'd stay here and travel through with the last of the marines?"
"Yeah, just walking you to the gate, just to make sure you don't faint on the way."
John sneered at his joke, half a smile on his face as he replied, "Military Commanders don't faint, they sucumb to the heroic pain."
Ronon just smiled back, that same unrepentant grin showing up again. When they reached the stargate, John let Ronon move onto the DHD to dial. He could feel Ronon's eyes on him as he radioed through and sent his IDC, once he received clearance, he nodded goodbye to Ronon and stepped through the wormhole, with Ronon's eyes still on his back. Physically John was fine, mentally he was alternating between panic and wariness on what the day would bring when Rodney finally woke.
TBC…..