CHAPTER FOUR:
Rodney woke up slowly, smacking his lips to take away the nasty taste in his mouth. Even with that, he still had a smile on his face, and contentment in his soul as he woke up slowly, realisation of his surroundings seeping into his consciousness as he became more aware. He looked around the room to find Daylia watching him with a soft smile. "Good morning, Doctor McKay."
"Mmm, Morning," he responded, still a bit groggy with sleep as he spied the water sat next to the bed. Rodney reached for it and downed the glass, replacing it on the bedside table before he looked around for Teyla, thankful that the water took away the worse of the aftertaste and grittiness in his mouth.
Daylia seemed to realise who he was looking for, "Teyla has gone to get you breakfast, we knew you would be waking soon." She hesitated for a moment before continuing, "Did you see your soulmate?"
Then the images came flooding in and Rodney sat up sharply, "Yes," he all but growled.
Daylia frowned, "Is something wrong, Doctor McKay?"
"Yes, something's wrong," he snapped, the fight leaving him instantly as despair took it's place. "You don't know what you've done," he whispered, resignation tinged with hate.
Daylia looked devastated, "Has your soulmate already passed you by?" she asked, full of sympathy for the missed opportunity.
"No, he's right here, he's my straight best friend," Rodney threw back at her, voice cold. "I was happy with what we had, he never knew how I felt about him, but he's been in the next hut experiencing life after life of us together and now he'll know. Our friendship won't survive that. We had found each other and now you're meddling will force us apart."
"But if he is your soulmate? Are you sure he doesn't love you in return?" Daylia ventured.
"Oh he loves me," Rodney acknowledged, followed by a bitter laugh, "The way a friend feels about another friend, his exact words, so you see, all you managed to do was show me just how amazing this thing is that I'll never have, and take away the one thing that was compensation enough for a lifetime without it. A lifetime I now have to live without him and, thanks to you, I now know and remember just how painful that is, so I know exactly what to expect. So, I know you did this for me, and this wasn't what you expected, but don't expect me to thank you because I can't do that right now."
Daylia crumpled and the tears that had welled in her eyes at Rodney's words, now fell freely down her cheeks, "I am so sorry," she choked out. .
Rodney closed his eyes against her, against the despair inside. John, my John, gone. He gave a broken sigh, listening to Daylia cry besides him. Teyla chose that moment to come in with a tray full of food, stopping in the doorway at the scene before her. Shit! Rodney's eyes flew open and he looked at Daylia in a panic, What do I say? What reason is there for her to be crying?
"What is wrong," Teyla asked worriedly.
Of course. "She's sad because I didn't dream of a soulmate." Rodney looked only at Daylia, knowing he couldn't look Teyla in the eye and lie to her. "It seems it was not to be, or maybe the tonic doesn't work with our physiology?" Rodney shrugged, boring eyes focused on Daylia, begging her to play along.
Daylia looked up into his eyes as silence fell between them, before she sniffed and nodded, "Yes, I was so hopeful and the disappointment saddens me greatly."
Those words were directed more at him, than Teyla, he knew. He nodded in acknowledgment. "You weren't to know," he shrugged, it was all he could give her right now.
She nodded, rising herself up as she scrubbed at her face. "I will leave you now." She leant down and gripped his forearm, "I am truly sorry, Doctor McKay."
Rodney pursed his lips, only nodding, not trusting himself to speak. Teyla waited by the open door till Daylia left, before letting it close behind her as she brought the tray over. "I am sorry, Rodney," she said as she put the tray in his lap.
He looked up at her to see her tight smile, the one that said she wanted to comfort him but knew he wouldn't accept it, still hadn't learnt how even after all these years. Rodney just gave a mixture of shrug and acknowledgment and started eating. Every mouthful tasted like ash but he had to keep up appearances. He just hoped Teyla would put his mood down to disappointment, not stupid enough to believe for one moment that he had fooled intuitive Teyla into thinking he was okay, but hoping he could at least avoid the details, avoid the embarrassment of saying out loud that he'd fallen in love with John, and maybe ruined everything.
"What did you dream about, Rodney?" Teyla asked softly.
"White Unicorns," he responded immediately. What! What did you say that for?! He screamed at his mind. "Must have been something someone said at dinner." He shrugged again.
"Doctor Nugen wants to give you your medical as soon as you have eaten," Teyla said, moving the conversation onto other things, always the one to find a way out of conversational minefields.
Rodney just rolled his eyes, "How is John?" he asked, mentally kicking himself the second the words were out of his mouth. He never called him John outside of his own head, but a thousand lifetimes of doing so had knocked the habit out of him. He had to fix that.
Out of the corner of his eye, Rodney saw Teyla raise an eyebrow in surprise before schooling her face so no point kidding himself she had missed that, he just concentrated on his food as she answered. "He got the all clear, he is back in Atlantis getting his final physical. He will be finished by now, and we haven't been contacted so he must have got the all clear."
Rodney choked on his food, quickly reaching for the drink to swallow it down. John...THE COLONEL...was going to wait if he got the first all clear, but instead he cleared out early. Does that mean what I think it does? That John couldn't bear to be in my presence now that he knew?
"Good, good. That's...ar...good," he muttered. I've lost him. He handed the tray over to Teyla, "You know I'm not as hungry as I thought. Maybe you should just send the doctor in and get this over with."
Shock registered clearly on Teyla's face this time and she scrambled to take the tray, her face quickly turning to worry, "Do you feel alright, Rodney?"
"Yes, yes, fine," he said quickly, before he saw the worry on her face, and said more sincerely, "I'm fine, Teyla. Just want to get the voodoo bit done so I can get cleaned up and brush this horrible taste out of my mouth."
Teyla watched him in silence for a moment before she nodded, "Very well. I will tell Doctor Nugen to enter. I will wait for you outside, whenever you are ready, Rodney."
Rodney just nodded, already pulling his legs up to swing them off the side of the bed. Doctor Nugen entered and he suffered the ministrations in near silence, only giving monosyllabic answers, as his mind thudded with thoughts.
So, John obviously knows, which means it was real at least. That thought made warmth blossom in his chest, because even if he lived this life alone, at least he would know that he always had next time, and that all those previous lives had actually happened. A melancholy smile appeared on his face and his eyes glazed over as his thoughts drifted to the past. In each life John had bloomed like a supernova. He had loved Rodney, never asking him to change or asking for anything in return, except his love, which Rodney had been willing to give infinitely.
Rodney didn't even know he was capable of loving someone that much, he would end the universe if John but asked, not that he would. In each life John had retained his moral compass and Rodney had strived to guide himself alongside it, not because John asked it of him, but simply to see that look in his eyes, simply striving to be at least a bit deserving of his love.
Even when John was outside of the military he had retained that sharp dangerous edge that excited Rodney, and made the softer, intimate, moments more intense, because they were just for him. John had loved him, and Rodney had revelled in that miracle every day they were together. Never able to fully believe that this wonderful, beautiful man was his, always waiting for John to wake up one day and wonder why he was with Rodney, but he never had. Rodney had been loved for his entire existence by one man, by John, and he felt blessed.
Except this time I'm cursed. The thought bringing back the cold feeling of dread that coalesced in his stomach. Rodney realised he'd have to face John...the colonel...when he got back to Atlantis. He wondered what he could say that would convince John to let him stay in his life, that would convince John that he was happy with what he had, that he wouldn't contrive for more.
Oblivious to Rodney, the silence had given Doctor Nugen pause, but she'd carried on without a word, becoming more unnerved the longer the quiet remained. Doctor McKay was never this quiet, never so lost in his thoughts that he allowed medicals to pass in silence. When the medical was done the Doctors voice broke into his thoughts, "Are you okay, Doctor McKay?"
He frowned at her, "Aren't you supposed to tell me?"
She smiled, "Physically you're fine, but you seem unusually….docile," she said the last word carefully.
He raised his eyebrows in shock, not only at realising she was correct, but also at the fact she had noticed and worried for him. Rodney still found it strange that people cared about him, and found it embarrassing, still unsure how to deal with it, "Erm, fine...thanks….just," he twirled a finger around his brain, "lot of very important equations."
She smiled and nodded, "Of course," the smile turning to a fond smirk. "Well, you're good to go, Doctor McKay. I'll leave you to get ready, I'm sure you're eager to return to Atlantis for the final all clear." Yes, because everyone knew how he worried about his health, except he had bigger worries at the moment.
"Yes, yes, I'd better...erm," he trailed off, hooking a thumb over his shoulder towards the bathroom.
She nodded and repacked her bag, leaving him be. He made his way to the bathroom, brushing his teeth first, feeling almost decadent to finally be free of the bitterness in his mouth. Rodney then freshened up, like John he had everything packed in the sled so just had a small backpack with the essentials, which was nearly twice the size of John's.
His thoughts were consumed with John though. Was it too late? Would John even listen to me? I hope so. And then there was the question, Could I be happy with this? Before, there was no doubt, but now he had all these memories of just how good it could be, and it was so good. Snapshots of laughter, of tenderness, of love, of everything Rodney had thought for so long were beyond his reach.
If it had only been the previous lives then Rodney could come to terms with it, that this life was different, but confusingly, Rodney also remembered the final snapshots within Atlantis. John's gaze that seemed to trace his biceps, trail down his back. The way John had kept staring at the door, long after Rodney had left to propose to Katie, with that look on his face, eyes that just hurt to look at and made Rodney feel guilty for a slight he wasn't even aware of at the time. If he didn't know better then he would think there was something worth fighting for, but John was straight, wasn't he?
All those gazes seemed to say that there was something worth fighting for, and damn if Rodney was tempted too. But, this is what it came down to, the risk of doing so. Could he risk taking those images at face value and asking for more? Because he knows once he had done so, then he cannot ever convince John that he will be happy with friendship alone. So, does he take that risk and maybe achieve everything or does he never take the risk and maybe achieve some lesser relationship that will ease the ache of years without his touch?
Because Rodney remembered the doubt of previous lives, even when John had loved him openly, he had always doubted, never fully felt deserving enough. So, now he wondered if that look was sympathy because John could see what everyone else could and Rodney could not, that Katie was not for him. Was the gaze that trailed over his biceps, merely a critical eye from a military commander over his team? Before now Rodney would not have questioned John's sexuality, and maybe it was his own wishful thinking that turned those looks into something more than they were.
Deciding that there was not enough conclusive data, and that his personal knowledge of John hinted more towards straight, Rodney decided it was not a risk he was willing to take. So, to convince John that although Rodney knew him intimately from previous lives, and still wanted him in this, that he could just be friends if John would let him. That he would never push for more. The only argument Rodney had, was that he had already done that, but in order to convince John he would have to acknowledge that out loud. Acknowledge that he wanted John in every way, and that he had never taken advantage, and never pushed for more than John was willing to give, acknowledge that he could live like this, if John could.
With a heavy heart, Rodney made his way out to Teyla who accompanied him back to Atlantis. He talked all the way to the ring, just kept talking and talking, anything to stop Teyla from asking about his dreams, about his soulmate. Rodney left her at the infirmary as they each went to their separate cubicles. Rodney's medical being more in depth than normal and having to suffer scans, to make sure the black nectar didn't have any unknown side effects meant that Teyla had already left by the time he was cleared, something he was thankful for.
Rodney made his way back to his quarters and changed into fresh clothes. Then he made his way to John's quarters and stood outside for a moment. Just wanting to revel in that moment where nothing had changed and John was still his friend. With despair weighing him down, he raised his hand and after a moment's hesitation he rang the door chime of his best friend.
TBC….