CHAPTER FIVE
John had been in his quarters for hours, convincing himself one minute that it would be okay, only to fall into panic that everything had changed forever. The hours were interspersed with moments of melancholy as he reminisced over past lives, times when everything was perfect and John held everything he wanted in the curve of his arms and prayed Teyla was wrong because, even if it ruined everything he had to know that was real, whatever the cost.
Teyla had called by earlier to check on him, having not seen him since the previous evening. She seemed to sense that he didn't really want to talk about the previous night's dreams, instead concentrating on how he was feeling and if he felt rested.
John had thought the subject narrowly avoided by luck, but just before she left she commented, almost distractedly, "It's a shame Rodney did not see his soulmate, he says he dreamt only of white unicorns."
They looked at each other in silence for a moment, Teyla watching him, no doubt waiting for a response. Trying not to let the depth of disappointment he felt at her words show, he threw out something expected, "It's like hearing Darth Vader dreams of My Little Pony," he said, his voice gruff with emotions.
He huffed a tremulous laugh at Rodney's expense and tried not to cringe at how fake it sounded. He was sure his heart was splayed open for all to see the knife Teyla had just plunged into it with her words. It wasn't real, please no, it has to be real.
"At least that is what he says," she added, her gaze seeming to intensify before she brought her forehead to meet his. "Good night, John. I hope today brings you everything you need."
She was always coming out with sayings like that, although John was sure he had never heard this one before. He just grunted, meaning thanks, and same to you. Teyla seemed to get it with a smile, "I am off to freshen up and wait for Ronon. I will see you at breakfast tomorrow, John."
"Uhuh," he nodded in agreement, trying to avoid any further conversation, till he realised that Ronon would come and report to him on his return to Atlantis. "Can you tell Ronon I'll see him at breakfast too, no need to him to report tonight, unless it's something urgent." John didn't want any more visitors, in fact he just wanted Teyla to leave now so he could let the emotions that were bubbling up free As Teyla left, he was already falling backwards onto the bed, and as the doors closed he turned over with his back to theworld and curled up. It was strange, he had spent hours wishing that it had never happened and that Rodney didn't know, but now it seemed that that was exactly what had happened, he wanted nothing more than for it to be true, whatever the cost. It felt like hours that he lay there, replaying those lives, lamenting their loss.
Those previous lives had been perfection, and to think that they didn't really exist left the future dark, hope dashed on the waves of despair that flooded his emotions. John had thought he would give anything to go back to that feast where it all began and take back Rodney's agreement, so that he still had Rodney's friendship. But now, now he would give anything to have his dreams come true, for those past lives to be fact, for him and Rodney to be intertwined for eternity and know that peace once again.
Thinking again of that feast, of how this all came about, reminded him of something Rodney said: For people like me, soulmates are as mythical as the white unicorn. He sat up abruptly, could that be it? He stood up, pacing his small room, the words tumbling through his brain.
John realised that Rodney would be unwilling to admit he dreamt of his soulmate, knowing it would only illicit more questions he likely did not want to answer. Hadn't John himself considered the very same thing? Only Rodney hadn't had Ronon's eager face to talk him out of it. No, he had Teyla so when Rodney told Teyla he dreamt of White Unicorns, was that his way of telling a lie while still telling Teyla the truth? Hope burst warm and startling in his chest that it was still a possibility, that even if he spent this life alone, the past had been real and that he had known how amazing it was to be loved by the very soul of Rodney McKay.
The sound of his doorbell stalled all thought, the hope turning to dread. He stopped and looked down at the bed where he had lain in grief, as if he could tell by the twist of the blankets how long he had lain there. If enough time had passed for that sound to herald Rodney and what might be their final farewell before he walked away and left John all alone, or worse, confirmation that soulmate was just a wish filled dream and alone wasn't just for now, but forever.
He swallowed down his nerves and took a deep breath as he sent a mental thought to Atlantis to let in not only the love of this life, but of every life he ever lived. He watched the open doorway with a mixture of anticipation and fear. When nothing happened for a moment, he leant forward, trying to see the corridor from his position. He could just see the edge of a blue shirt and as he was wondering if he should go get him, when Rodney edged into the room.
It felt like months, rather than hours, since he had lastseen Rodney in the flesh. He was wearing black bdu's, with that blue shirt that brought out his eyes, and John could only stare at him. This was the first time he looked on him with the conscious knowledge that he loved him, aware of the paths his eyes flicked across his body, aware of the burst of love within at the sight of him. John didn't say anything, just watched and waited while his eyes took their fill.
The doors slid closed, seeming to make Rodney jump before he took a deep breath and turned back to John, blue eyes earnest and worried, but not looking John in the face. Instead Rodney looked over John's shoulder, his eyes catching the light from the window behind John and burst incandescent blue, and the love inside John exploded into a supernova, like a punch to the gut, just like every other time.
Rodney's voice was small and earnest as he spoke, "Look, I know this," he waved his hand in the empty space between them, "isn't what you wanted, I get that. I...I value our friendship and I don't want to lose that, I'll do anything you want to keep that and I don't know how to convince you I'm happy with this. I mean, I know it's not what you want and that you probably have...issues...knowing how I feel, but I wouldn't," Rodney's eyes turned to finally look him in the face as his voice turned fierce with sincerity, "I would never force this further. You have to believe that, but, I understand…" his eyes now fell to the floor between them, "I will honour your decision if you want to call a stop to our friendship here and now, but I'm asking you not to, to give me a chance to prove that this is enough."
John stood watching in silence as Rodney's words penetrated past the expected grief, it was true, all of it, it was true. Speechless with solace over that alone, until the rest sank in. Rodney thought he was the one with the problem, Rodney loved him. John had to bite down on the emotions, for the first time in his life, he wanted to cry with happiness. The relief was overwhelming, outflanked only by the joy. Rodney Loved Him.
Rodney however seemed to be taking his silence completely the wrong way, his whole body slumped in defeat, seeming to crumble where he stood, his voice thick with grief as he stuttered out, "I see, well, I'll be going then. I'll…" Rodney swallowed hard on the disappointment, clear on his face, "I'll resign from your team." He looked up one final time, "If you ever change your mind, a day, a week, a year from now, just know you only have to ask and I'll be your friend, all you have to do is ask and I'll be there." There were tears in his eyes now, "Good bye John, know you were the best friend I ever had." He turned to leave.
"Wait!" John croaked out, the emotions making it hard to speak as he reached out a hand to Rodney, who froze, but didn't turn back. John swallowed hard, "Just wait," he whispered. He had the words, he had heard himself declare his love a thousand times, and with Rodney's confession he wasn't afraid this time, but this was his time and he wanted to use his own words. He lined them all up as Rodney stood hunched by the door.
"Rodney, I have loved you for a thousand life times. In each time you brought me peace and laughter and happiness. I turned away from you once, and I finally get the chance to apologise for that. I am so sorry I hurt you. I will never do that again. I don't care what the risk is, I don't care what the future holds, as long as it holds you. I love you Rodney McKay, so no, I don't want your friendship, I want your love, I want you."
Rodney had slowly straightened up, turning slowly at John's words, his eyes flicking over John's face in blatant disbelief. The smile kept flickering, obviously wanting to spread across his face, but not quite believing enough to do so. John had slowly moved closer as he talked and he now stood in front of Rodney, a smile on his face and love clearly visible in his eyes as he looked on Rodney and waited.
"But..you're..you know...straight," Rodney stuttered out, eyes still flicking over John's face as if trying to find the lie he was sure should be there.
"Bi, actually," John said with a smile. He shrugged, "When I joined the military I stuck to one sex, I didn't have a problem with that, until I met you. I thought you were straight, all that talk about Carter, getting engaged to Kate." His voice lowered at the end, unable to remove the pain that had caused him.
"Bi, actually," Rodney said, sounding distracted as his eyes took in John. "Like you said, military and gay don't mix, and I had a responsibility to pass on my genius genes."
John huffed a laugh, and once the smile was out he couldn't seem to put it back, mirrored by Rodney's own. Then something occurred and he sobered up, "I can't offer you kids, Rodney. I can't even offer you an open relationship, not until I retire."
"No," Rodney cut in sharply, "You offer me love and acceptance. You're my soulmate," Rodney said the last bit with pride. "I have always chosen you, I will always choose you, there is no other choice for me."
John nodded eagerly, he felt exactly the same.
"So, you saw us. All our previous lives together?"
Rodney nodded, "Yes. It's quite a lot to live up to. I hope we will be as happy as they were."
John smiled, wide and bright, "I don't doubt it…...Rodney?"
"Yes?"
"Can I kiss you now?"
"Oh god. Yes."
John slid his hand against Rodney's neck, his thumb laying across his cheek, as he lifted Rodney's face upwards and lowered his. Their lips met and it felt familiar and new, he knew just how to move against Rodney to illicit those moans, to illicit that growl that reverberated through his body, it felt like coming home.
John trailed kisses across his jaw and down his neck, "Rodney, I want…" he whispered against his skin.
"God yes," Rodney agreed, head thrown back, those capable hands kneading into John's muscled shoulders, now trailing down his back to tug the shirt loose from his trousers.
John unbuttoned the blue shirt, pushing it off Rodney's shoulders as John glided kisses across those broad shoulders, the warm skin against his lips was smooth as silk. Rodney moaned his name softly in his ear as their bodies moved against each other, hands exploring new and familiar territory.
John pushed Rodney away, fumbling for his own shirt buttons. Rodney floundered, confusion on his face as he tried to figure out why he was suddenly standing all alone, "Bed!" John growled, as he continued to undress as fast as he could.
"Oh, yes, genius," Rodney agreed distractedly as he set upon hastily stripping his own clothes.
Eyeing each other as they stripped bare, seemed to make them move faster, each glance elicited more haste as they literally tore themselves out of their clothes and climbed into John's narrow bed. Each on their sides, their hands finding each other, inexplicably slowing down as they explored each others chests, biceps, necks, cheeks. Feeling the hair glide between their fingers.
John was looking as his fingers roamed Rodney's chest, watching his fingers trail over the biceps his eyes had followed so longingly, as he spoke slowly and quietly. "I thought you were straight, when I woke up I thought you'd hate me, I never thought I would have this."
"Me..me too," Rodney agreed as his fingers stroked through John's chest hair. "I thought it would be a shock to you, to see us together. I… I didn't think you'd be able to work with me again. I thought I had lost everything. I thought…"
"Shhhh," John comforted, as he surged up to kiss Rodney once again. "It worked out, just like it always does." Neither of them mentioned the two times it didn't, both thankful to ignore them.
John rolled over onto his back, pulling Rodney with him as he kissed him, unwilling to pull his lips away. Under the duvet, their cocks rubbed deliciously together, slow and languid, like they had all the time in the world. John scraped his teeth against the pale soft skin of Rodney'sshoulder, earning him one of those growls, before he made his way back with soft kisses, leaning back slightly to look up into Rodney's half lidded eyes, just enough to see the blue of his iris' as Rodney looked back, soft smile on his lips broadening into a wide grin that lit up his face as he realised John was watching him.
John swooped up to taste that smile. Feeling his tongue against Rodney's as their bodies moved together. The kisses turning more passionate as their bodies picked up the pace. He could feel his orgasm building as all the sensations built, could feel as Rodney mirrored his change in pace that just built the flame higher, soft moans turned to grunts as they both tried to hold off just that little bit longer. John felt the warm fluid between them as Rodney came and John followed within seconds, pushing up into Rodney as he arched up and came with a long moan of pleasure.
John relaxed back down, panting heavily. Rodney lowered his head and lay gentle lips against John's, with a soft satisfied sigh just before he levered off and fell to his side, turning over onto his back, but still pushed against John on the narrow bed, his arm hanging offthe side.
They lay there for a short while, recovering slowly as their chests went from heaving gasps to soft even breaths as their bodies relaxed and a companionable silence ensued. But silence and Rodney never lasted long. "Well, the sex is as good as I remember," Rodney said, voice light with humour.
John huffed a laugh, "Hell, yeah," he agreed as he got up and made his way into the bathroom.
Rodney shouted after him. "Hey, you remember that hotel down in Florida? I think it was 1800, not sure."
John poked his head back out of the door, hanging off the doorframe. "Oh yeah, I remember," he said lewdly before ducking back into the bathroom for a flannel.
"Can't wait to do that again," Rodney said earnestly.
"Yeah, I got a few favourites too," John agreed as he came back with a wet flannel and proceeded to wipe down Rodney.
Rodney was watching him wipe down his stomach before turning fond eyes back to John.
"What?" John asked, suddenly feeling defensive.
"Nothing," Rodney said, and then shrugged, "It's just, that's one of the things I remember. How well you look after me. I've never…" he shrugged again, "I've never had that, someone look after me the way you do." Rodney looked away again, seemingly unable to look John in the face with this confession, "I have trouble believing you truly want me in this life, to know you've chosen me in every life, I just….well, it's a bit of a shock."
John dropped the cloth to the floor and climbed in beside Rodney, wrapping his arms around him. "Never doubt it Rodney, never doubt it for a moment. If anything it's me who should be in shock."
"Why?" Rodney asked.
John shrugged, "I fucked up my relationship with my family, I fucked up with my wife, I fucked up my career. I got nothing to offer you."
"You're not a fuck up," Rodney said angrily, "I never want to hear you say that. You're a good person, a way better person than I will ever be. I feel honoured that you're mine." Then Rodney started laughing.
"What?" John asked in confusion.
"We spent four years not talking about our feelings, and now we can't seem to shut up, like a pair of teenage girls."
John laughed along with him, "That's because talking about my feelings always left me feeling too vulnerable, but with you I know it doesn't matter. You won't use them against me, and you'll protect me against anyone else who would. Do you remember that Ship Commander in Cartagena?"
"He was a moron," Rodney growled.
John huffed a laugh and kissed his brow, "A three century dead moron so move on. But you protected me then, just like I know you always will. You make me feel safe, safe enough to expose even the most vulnerable part of me." John huffed another laugh, "You make me feel invulnerable," he added with a smile.
Rodney huffed a laugh before adding sulkily, "I miss that green armour."
John smiled, "We'll try and find you another one, promise."
"Well, there have to be more, right?" Rodney said hopefully.
"Seriously, you're okay with this though, right Rodney? I can't show any of this outside of those doors, and I belong to the Air Force, I have to go where they send me, do what they tell me. It's not going to be easy waiting in the wings for me."
"No," Rodney said, "Not easy, but worth it. You're my soulmate, my white unicorn. I go where you lead because you will always be worth it to me."
There were tears in both sets of eyes as they leaned forward and kissed.
"I'll make up for it behind closed doors," John promised, "and I'll love you forever, Rodney McKay."
"And I you, John."
With that they both closed their eyes and drifted off to sleep in each other's arms, the emotions and love making having worked their toll. Together once again, as it has always been, and will always be. Soulmates.
THE END.