Slow Burn

Chapter 13 – Still Burning

Tony had never gotten used to funerals.

Either as a small boy standing at the graveside of his mother, or later as a cop, and now as an agent.

All of the team had attended far too many over the years and they certainly didn't get any easier. And the last few weeks had added to the tally in a way none of them would have wanted.

Tony let his gaze run over the assembled gathering at the graveside, a mix of grieving family members, friends and co-workers from NCIS who'd worked with Agent Adams; those from his team clearly suffering the loss of a valued teammate standing with those who'd not known him well but had shown up at his funeral out of respect and a sense of solidarity.

Not all of the victims of the bombing were being buried in D.C.

Some had families out of state and their funerals were taking place in their home towns. But some of the dead had barely any family beyond the job itself and those funerals had been some of the bleakest.

Tony glanced over as Gibbs arrived at his side.

"Tell me this the last one." Tony winced at his own choice of words. "And… I didn't mean that to come out how it sounded."

Gibbs tilted his head. "I know, DiNozzo, and yeah, it's the last one… unless we lose someone else."

"Well, I won't be sorry to see the back of this black suit for a while," Tony admitted, "and not just because it's too hot to wear in summer."

Some people injured in the bombing were still in hospital and likely to remain there for some time, and there were several in intensive care whose outcome could still go either way.

Vance appeared on Gibbs' other side, his expression grim. "You ready?"

Gibbs nodded, following Vance towards Agent Adams' widow and kids, to pay their respects as Director and senior agent of the agency, and Tony watched them go. Gibbs looked particularly tired and strained today, almost distracted, and Tony pondered how best to help him this weekend.

Maybe seeing Leyla and Amira would help?

"Is he okay, Tony?"

Tony felt Abby's arm loop through his as she came up beside him. "Yeah, I think so, Abbs."

"Your functional mute doesn't seem a bit… off to you?"

"Maybe a bit." Tony eyed Abby. "What d'ya mean mine?"

"Well, you said it yourself, Tony," She squeezed his arm affectionately. "And it's true."

Tony looked over at Gibbs, watching him for a moment, taking in the familiar ramrod posture and air of controlled command the guy carried so naturally, the slight change in body language that had given away his weariness earlier all but gone, except if you knew where and how to look… like he did.

He glanced back at Abby, responding to her warm eyes and slight smile, patting her hand where it rested on his arm. "Yeah… mine. He'll be okay. It's been a heck of a strain. He's been carrying a lot these past few weeks."

"And so have you."

Tony shrugged that off. "Everyone has."

Abby gnawed her lip, her eyes drifting towards Gibbs. "I know, it's just… I dunno. Maybe I'm wrong but…"

"He's a bit distracted, I'll give you that one but I'll keep an eye on him."

Abby studied his face before nodding, apparently satisfied. "I know you will… and you look tired too, Tony, so don't forget yourself. Look, I'm heading for a drink afterwards with Ziva and Timmy, d'ya wanna come? Jimmy's heading home to Breena."

Tony shook his head. "Not today, Abby. You got it in one… I'm too tired. You go on without me."

Tony watched as Gibbs headed back in their direction, meeting his eyes. Tony nodded at the silent request as the Marine joined them and Tony kissed Abby quickly on the cheek and walked off to do his bit with platitudes he knew wouldn't help the family at all, but it was something they all felt obliged to do.

Gibbs pulled Abby into his side when he drew level, looking her over briefly. "You okay?"

Abby nodded, giving him a strained smile. "Yeah… it's just so sad. Those poor kids growing up without a father. I found a photograph of James earlier today… taken ages ago in my lab when it was Ducky's birthday. I'd forgotten I had it… He was a really nice guy."

"Good agent."

They fell silent for a few minutes, Gibbs watching Tony talking to the family with McGee at his side while Abby started sneaking a few glances at Gibbs. Becoming aware of her gaze, Gibbs turned his head, eyeing Abby a little warily. "Abbs?"

"Don't 'Abbs' me in that tone, Gibbs. I'm just concerned about you."

"No need." Gibbs glanced around quickly, surreptitiously checking who might be within earshot.

It was inevitable Abby would tackle him about what was going on with Tony, but he'd hoped she'd do it somewhere quiet and not where other ears could overhear them.

"Relax, will ya." She rested her head briefly on his shoulder. "I can be discreet too, you know I can… and anyway, I'm not going to say much at all."

Gibbs shook his head, huffing a quiet laugh. "That'll be the day."

She raised her head and squinted at his dry comment. "I'm serious, Gibbs." She studied him carefully, head on one side, and Gibbs stood still under her scrutiny. When Abby spoke, it was quietly and with a soft smile on her face. "I said to Tony you looked tired but… there's also something else now that I can see you up close. He's good for you, Gibbs."

He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. "I know, Abbs. Just… let us work it out for ourselves, huh?"

"Sure… but it's gonna be great, I know it is. Just don't screw it up… and I've told Tony he mustn't screw it up either." She held up her hand. "And my lips are sealed, pinky promise. I know I talk a lot but you know you can trust me, right?"

Gibbs pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I know."

As everyone began to disperse from the graveside, Tony walked beside Gibbs as they headed for their respective cars. Even for Gibbs, he was quiet and Tony found himself occasionally glancing over at his profile as they walked.

He pushed down the urge to talk just to fill the silence but the more he studied the Marine, the more concerned Tony became that something was wrong.

His first thought was that it might be the kiss they'd shared last night.

Did Gibbs now regret it?

He hadn't seemed to at the time, and Tony could still conjure up the taste and feel of the older man. He'd woken up this morning still buzzing from how they'd moved things forward… from the trust Gibbs had shown him in allowing Tony to take the lead in that.

But in the long hours since, had Gibbs begun to freak out about it?

So by the time they reached their cars and Gibbs opened the door of the Challenger, Tony had worried himself around in a circle.

But as Gibbs bent into his car, Tony's attention was drawn to what was on the front seat and the realization of what might have Gibbs so distracted today slammed into him.

Silently cursing, Tony could have head slapped himself into the next state.

Gibbs picked up two white roses off the front seat and closed the car door behind him, standing holding them as he gazed at Tony, looking suddenly unsure of himself.

Tony stared at him.

His girls.

Shannon and Kelly were buried here.

Of course they were. He'd almost said it himself yesterday when he'd commented on this being the closest cemetery to Gibbs' house.

Where else would they be buried but here?

And the roses were for them.

You idiot, Anthony.

The guy's got other things on his mind than what happened yesterday… not everything is about you. No wonder he's been distracted today.

Tony shook himself out of his thoughts and stepped closer. "I didn't realize your girls were here, Jethro, and I should have. I'm sorry."

"No reason why you should, Tony." Gibbs looked down at the roses in his hand.

"Were they… were white roses their favourite?" Tony asked tentatively.

Gibbs' face softened in a small smile. "Shannon's."

Feeling at a loss all of a sudden, Tony cleared his throat. "I'll leave you in peace… give you some privacy. I'll, um, I'll see you tomorrow."

Tony turned to move away, only to hear his name being called softly.

When he looked back, Gibbs was staring off into space, the struggle clearly visible on his face. Tony held still, waiting for he wasn't sure what but content to be patient while Gibbs worked through whatever was churning through his mind right now.

"Stay."

Tony's eyes widened. "Are you sure? I don't want to intrude."

Gibbs' eyes came back to his and he nodded. "I'm sure."

Feeling slightly overwhelmed at the sudden invitation, Tony wasn't sure what to say so merely nodded and stood still, waiting for Gibbs to make a move. He met the older man's gaze steadily, trying to pour all the reassurance he could into his eyes and expression.

Gibbs led the way through the quiet lanes of the cemetery, feeling slightly uneasy but resolved… helped by the patience and understanding Tony was showing him.

Tony walked beside him silently, not quite sure if he belonged here at all, feeling almost like an intruder. Glancing at him periodically, Tony saw his expression smooth out as Gibbs tried to control his emotions, but as always, it was given away by the blue eyes which looked so sad.

It wasn't far until Gibbs halted by a row of graves under the shade of a row of oak trees.

"I'll wait here," Tony offered quietly.

Gibbs nodded, not looking at him but over at a simple headstone set back from the path.

Tony watched as Gibbs walked over to the graveside and knelt before placing the roses onto the small headstone, his heart aching for the man as he saw the Marine trace the names gently.

Gibbs stayed kneeling for long minutes, obviously lost in his thoughts and memories.

Still stunned and not a little humbled that Gibbs was allowing him to not only share this place with him but to see him so vulnerable, Tony felt a wave of strong emotion wash over him.

He'd always known Gibbs still grieved for his girls.

How could he not?

But seeing the visible evidence of his grief and the final resting place of his wife and daughter was heartbreaking.

Eventually, Gibbs stood slowly and walked back to Tony, his eyes still carrying that haunted, defeated look Tony had come to recognize over the years… and which he'd come to realize he'd give anything to be able to ease.

Tony wanted nothing more than to put his arms round the older man and hold him, and while that wouldn't have looked entirely out of place in a cemetery, he knew he daren't risk it.

For one thing, Gibbs might not welcome it at the moment and there might have been a few people from NCIS still around after the funeral and that would be hard to explain, so Tony contented himself with reaching out for Gibbs' arm as he drew level with him.

He squeezed his arm gently. "Thank you, Jethro… for sharing this."

Gibbs nodded but didn't reply.

"I wish I'd brought flowers," Tony told him.

"Next time maybe."

Tony stared at him, startled at the ready suggestion that there'd be a next time. "I'd like that."

He held still as Gibbs studied him seriously, heartened when the tension he could feel under his hand eased as the Marine nodded slightly in acknowledgement.

Tony fell into step beside Gibbs as they began walking back towards their cars, content to walk in silence, hoping but not sure if his presence was some support and comfort.

As they reached their cars, Tony paused before turning to Gibbs. "I'll, er, see you tomorrow. We still on for taking the table to Leyla?"

Gibbs nodded again. "Yeah." He paused before going on. "Tony… thanks. Haven't… haven't brought anyone else here, apart from Jack."

It had not been easy asking Tony to stay, but Gibbs felt he'd owed it to the younger man who'd shown nothing but understanding and compassion over his girls ever since he'd found out about them.

And Gibbs hadn't set out this morning planning to ask Tony to stay with him at the cemetery. It had been a spur of the moment thing, slipping out before he could have a chance to second guess himself and change his mind.

So now he felt vulnerable and a little uncomfortable but also surprisingly okay to share this private place with someone he trusted… someone who seemed to be carving an essential niche in his life.

And for the first time in a long time, Gibbs felt he wanted to share his girls… that it was maybe time to try and open up.

Tony blinked at the implication that Gibbs hadn't shared this with any of his ex-wives. "Then I'm honoured you've shared them with me, Jethro. I don't take it for granted." He paused, hesitating about asking. "Do you visit them often?"

Gibbs shook his head. "No... it's too much."

He couldn't come here on their birthdays or any anniversaries. The pain was just too much.

He hardly needed a reminder Shannon and Kelly were gone by standing at their graveside. He managed a handful of visits each year, preferring to remember them in the house where he had such vivid memories of them both.

Every important milestone in his life with his girls was tied up in that house.

"I can understand that. I'll come with you whenever you want me to… or leave you alone. Whatever you need." Tony rested his hand on Gibbs' shoulder. "On your six, Jethro, always."

Gibbs swallowed hard at the understanding on Tony's face. "I know, Tony." Gibbs saw Tony biting back something he wanted to say. "Go on. Ask."

Tony studied his face. "Will you tell me about them some day? I'd like to know what they were both like. One day… but only if you feel comfortable with that." Tony trailed off, wondering if he'd gone too far.

Gibbs nodded slowly. "Working on it."

TBC…