Chapter Two: Big Red Threatening Button
This Isn't What It Looks Like
"Do you think we should tell Jason about this case?" asked Dick nervously, glancing at Bruce. Bruce sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, "I don't know what to do, Dick."
Dick had to hold back his surprise. It was very rare that Bruce Wayne, "The Batman", didn't know what to do. Well, at least now he knew how normal people felt. He glanced again at the screen, which had the Joker's face on it. It was terrible to look at, even more so because now whenever Dick saw him he only saw the man who murdered his little brother. Plus his face was a scary sight on any day of the week.
Sure, Jason was alive now, but he was… different. He had eventually come to terms with his family, and they'd started patrolling together again, but he wasn't the same as the Jason Dick used to know. That Jason was gone forever, and it was the Joker's fault. Dick didn't trust Jason with this case, but did he even trust himself with it? What would he do, if he had the Joker in arm's reach?
I wouldn't kill him, he eventually thought after a moment of mental debating. I want to, but I never could. One glance at Bruce told Dick he was having the same thoughts as Dick. But will Jason hold back?
"If Jason finds out," Dick started, "he'll try going after the Joker himself, and then he'll never forgive us."
"I know," admitted Bruce, "but if we tell him, he might try to make this case personal and end up in the Joker's clutches again."
Dick crossed his arms tightly around his chest. This was going to be hard on all of them, especially Jason. "I have an idea, but I don't think Tim or Damian will like it much…"
"Well they'll have to live with it," Bruce said firmly, "what exactly is your plan?"
"Split up. We'll make it look like Jason, Tim, Damian and I are going after the Joker. I'll give us a false lead," he felt rather guilty, but he was doing it to protect his little brother. So that had to make it okay. Because Dick really didn't want to feel like a dick if he was wrong… "The downside to this is that you'll be going up against the Joker yourself."
Bruce waved this information away as though it didn't bother him in the slightest. "I've dealt with him alone before, I can do so again. It's a good plan," Bruce told him, a frown forming on his face, "but we've got to play it out right."
"And you'd better have a damned good reason for not telling me about it," a new voice broke into their conversation, and the two whipped around to see Tim coming out of the shadows in the batcave. "I come down here and hear about giving us a fake lead? Dick, what the hell?"
"It's the Joker," Bruce cut in before Dick could say anything, and Tim blanched. "But… Jason will be with us…"
"Hence the fake lead," Dick said. "I hate it as much as you do, but Jay can't go after the Joker. We can't lose him again."
Tim nodded, though he still looked reluctant. "Fine. Are we telling the demon spawn?"
Bruce rolled his eyes and Dick mentally groaned, "No, we aren't telling Damian. It's bad enough that you know. Damian can't keep his mouth shut if he thinks it will work to his advantage. Jason and Damian don't get along that well."
"Don't see why not, they're both evil," Tim muttered under his breath so that neither his brother nor father could hear. "Alright, I'm with you on this then. You're right, we can't lose the as- I mean Jay, not after we just got him back."
"So we're all agreed then?" the trio exchanged looks and nodded as one. "So, Nightwing, what is this 'false lead' you're planning…?"
"Come on!" Nightwing yelled, dodging another bullet. Red Hood had pulled out his own gun and was aiming it at the masked man who had tried shooting Nightwing, Red Robin and Robin. Red Robin scowled at Nightwing as they ducked, getting out of the way of even more bullets. His eyes were accusing, and Nightwing himself felt bad. He'd given them a false lead… so why did it feel like he'd just walked them all into a trap?
Red Hood, meanwhile, was having problems of his own. He couldn't shoot his gun, but that wasn't the annoying and confusing part. When he attempted to shoot his gun, confetti flew out of it. "What the fu –"
"Red Hood, let's go!" Nightwing yelled out, and his brother stopped shooting confetti at the other men long enough to chase after the rest of the batfamily and into an abandoned building for cover.
"For being so 'stealthy' Nightwing, you sure seemed to land us in a tight spot!" Robin growled, turning on the older man. "This whole thing screams trap!"
"It can't be a trap!" Nightwing felt like crying.
"The Joker's got it in for all of us, he must have known we'd be here and had us on a fake trail," Red Hood finally said, and Nightwing and Red Robin shared a relieved look. Thankfully, it went missed by Robin and Red Hood, who would no doubt be curious as to why they thought the Joker leading them onto a false trail was a good thing. Red Hood kept looking down at his gun with an odd expression on his face, though Nightwing wasn't sure why.
"They've stopped shooting," Robin observed, and they all peaked their heads out. Sure enough, the masked men were leaving behind four very confused birds. "Um…"
"Strange," Red Hood observed, his helmet tilting as he cocked his head to the side. "Why would they let us go?" And why was my gun shooting confetti?
"Unless there's something bigger waiting for us in here," said Red Robin darkly, and they all shared looks.
"Well, if this is a trap," said Nightwing, trying to sound optimistic, "then we might as well spring it!"
Robin rolled his eyes under his mask, "You would say that."
Batman was running towards his sons' location at break-neck speed. His heart was pounding a mile a minute, and he was quite sure that it could have competed in the Olympics race and won with the speed it was pumping. He almost tripped quite a few times (the press would have a field day with that) but managed to catch himself just before the ground met his face. He wasn't planning on allowing the two of them to be going on dates any time soon.
He hadn't found the Joker, and he was starting to wonder if he'd had the false lead. After all, the shots were coming from the location that his baby bats were at. The gunshots died down, until not a single sound was heard. He ran faster, almost flying with the speed he was going, certain that something was wrong with his family. People didn't just stop shooting. That would be just plain out of character. Nobody went out of character in Batman's book, and if they did he would quickly put them in their place… even if they were shooting at his children. Okay, maybe not then, but still… it was worrying.
By the time he reached where the gunshots were heard, he almost collapsed then and there. His entire body was shaking and his chest was moving erratically from the deep breaths he was currently racking. There was nobody in sight. Hell, he couldn't even hear crickets. Now that in itself wasn't very odd, seeing as Gotham wasn't home to many crickets, but with his panicked mind he hardly took that into consideration. Where are they, where are they!?
As if on queue, the entire ground shook (knocking him over in the process) as a warehouse to his right blew sky-high. Confetti and fireworks were mixed with large flames and thick smoke, while a music box cackled with hysterical laughter. The whole thing screamed Joker.
He heard a startled yell and whipped around – there was another warehouse, and the yell belonged to his third youngest.
"RED ROBIN!" he yelled, picking himself up from the ground and racing inside of the warehouse. It took him a moment to comprehend what he was seeing. Red Robin wasn't yelling out in pain, rather he was yelling out in anger and panic. Robin was standing to the side, his mouth hanging open in an unusual display of shock. Nightwing was covered in yellow feathers, and was standing rigid next to Red Hood, who had his finger on top of a red button, and was also covered in confetti. Over the button hung a sign that read 'Push the button to kill lots of people. Love, Uncle J.'
Red Hood whipped around at the sight of Batman, but kept his finger on the big red threatening button.
Batman wasn't supposed to show surprise or shock, but his whole face was completely twisted with it. Nightwing looked from Red Hood, to the button, back to Red Hood, then back to the button. He repeated this process many times until Batman regained his bearings.
"What. The. Hell. Did. You. Do."
Batman couldn't read Red Hood's expression under the helmet, but he could guess it looked panicked. "I swear – I didn't –this – this isn't what it looks like!"
The four 'brothers' crept into a large room in the warehouse, trying to keep the suspense to a minimum while also being cautious. Nightwing was starting to feel like he was in some cheesy horror movie. He hated cheesy horror movies.
"Do you see anything?" Red Robin whispered, only to yelp as Robin stepped hard on his foot.
"Oops, sorry, didn't see you there," the look on Robin's face said otherwise. Red Robin growled at him, about to reply sharply, when Nightwing silenced them all. "Look, what's that!"
Red Robin and Robin were to into their heated conversation to notice, but the older brothers stepped forward. There was a stand with a very large red button. "So…what's the big red threatening button for?" asked Red Hood, approaching it cautiously.
"Big red threatening button?" Nightwing echoed, smirking.
"Shut up," Red Hood growled, and Nightwing laughed out loud, only to have a tiny hand slap over his mouth. Robin's mouth was set in a scowl. "Do you want us to get captured?"
"Relax Rob, nobody's here," said Red Robin, stepping out of the shadows. He whistled as he saw the button, "Why is there a big red threatening button?"
Even Red Hood snorted at this, while Nightwing laughed openly again. To say Red Robin looked confused would be putting it mildly, "Um, did I say something funny?"
"Inside joke, you wouldn't get it," said Red Hood, waving him off. Red Robin scowled at him, but didn't say anything more on the matter. Red Hood would never give him a straight answer, and Nightwing would avoid the question like the plague.
"So, what is it?" asked Nightwing, stepping forward until he was right next to it. Red Hood also stepped forward, though the younger two stayed in their former positions. "I don't know," Red Hood mumbled as Nightwing hovered so close to the button while bending down so that his nose was in danger of bumping into it.
"Should we press it?"
"Why in God's name would you do that?" Red Robin both sounded and looked completely baffled, even more so when Nightwing straightened back up and smirked at him. "You need to live a little more, Red. Hood and I here will have fun with the big red threatening button while you two go and play hide and seek or something."
Red Hood shook his head, though Nightwing could swear he was chuckling. Red Robin huffed angrily and folded his arms. "Fine, when you end up blowing up the whole city don't come crying to me!"
"It's not going to blow up the whole city!" exclaimed Nightwing, though he wringed his hands nervously. "Right, Hood?"
"Sure," said Red Hood distractedly, still studying the button.
"So… should we press it?"
"Sure," he said again, seemingly out of it.
"So… are you going to press it?"
"Sure. Wait I mean –"
"You already said you would, no backing out of it now!"
"But I –"
"You said you would!"
"But I just –"
"Aw come on Hood, what are you chicken?"
Red Hood scowled at Nightwing, "What are you, two?"
"Just push it!"
"Why don't you!?"
"Because you said you would!"
"Why do you feel the need to push things when they're obviously not meant to be pushed!"
"JUST DO IT!"
"NO!"
"BAWK BAWK BAWK!" Red Hood glared as Nightwing paced, waving his arms around under his armpits like a chicken. Red Robin and Robin stared at Nightwing as though they'd never seen anything quite like him.
"Nightwing, you're making a fool of yourself!" exclaimed Robin, but Nightwing ignored his youngest brother. "C'mon Hood! I won't stop until you press it!"
"NO!"
"BAWK BAWK BAWK."
"NIGHTWING –"
"BAWK BAWK BAWK!"
"SERIOUSLY!?"
"Oh god…" Red Robin mumbled, smacking his hand over his eyes. "This is not happening."
"I think something is wrong with Nightwing," Robin observed, as Nightwing 'BAWK'd some more. "He's never acted this childish before. It is unbecoming."
Red Robin rolled his eyes, though he had to agree with the little brat. Dick might be slightly childish, but never… like… this.
"NIGHTWING!"
"BAWK BAWK BAW –"
"OH FINE!"
"REALLY?!"
"NO!"
"BAWK BAWK BA – AHCK!" Nightwing made a choking sound as Jason roared (much like a charging rhino would) and made a mighty lunge for his throat. "PRESS. THE. DAMN. BUTTON!" Nightwing choked out, flailing his arms around. "BA –ACK – BAW – ACK! JAY! GERROFF!"
"NOT UNTIL YOU STOP ACTING LIKE A CHICKEN."
"FINE! … Either you press the button, or YOU act like the chicken!"
"Oh hell no!"
"Press the button then, or act like a chicken. No wait, I changed my mind, act like a chicken with me! We can be chicken brothers!" Nightwing looked so thrilled with the idea that Red Hood found himself instantly declining. He was not doing anything with his brother if it involved that look.
Before Red Robin could say anything to stop him, Red Hood pressed his finger on the big red threatening button. Instantly confetti flew from the ceiling (seriously, what was with the confetti?) covering Red Hood, while yellow feathers fell on top of Nightwing, who had slapped a hand to his head as though trying to get rid of a headache, looking confused as he looked around at them, his eyes slightly glazed.
"What…?"
So the Joker must have had something to do with his previous… chicken situation. A loud 'BOOM' was heard, and they all froze in place. Almost instantly a sign fell from the ceiling and hung just above the big red threatening button. It read 'Push this button to kill lots of people. Love, Uncle J.'
Red Hood was so shocked that he couldn't move his hand away from the button. He just killed… all those people… in the explosion…
Red Hood was shouting at him, yelling explicates that Red Hood knew he and Nightwing deserved. Poor Nightwing looked on the verge of tears, though he did nothing to try and take the yellow feathers off of him. He was pretty sure they'd all be scarred for life from this.
Red Robin didn't even hear his name being called until Batman barged into the room. It seemed like time stopped as he took in the scene that was the disaster the four of them caused. Well, more like Red Hood and Nightwing… but he knew they would all end up taking the blame.
Batman seemed to regain his composure as he glared at Red Hood. "What. Did. You. Do."
Red Hood, much like Nightwing, was on the verge of tears. "I swear – I didn't –this – this isn't what it looks like!"
Instead of being appeased by this, Batman exploded. "A WHOLE WAREHOUSE JUST BLEW UP BECAUSE YOU PRESSED A BIG RED THREATENING BUTTON!" In any other situation, Nightwing would have laughed at the wording Batman used, but this wasn't any other situation. "THE SIGN CLEARLY SAYS –"
"The sign wasn't there befo –"
Batman continued as though he hadn't heard Red Hood, "YOU KILLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE!"
"That was my faul –" this time it was Nightwing who was cut off. "AND WHY ARE THE TWO OF YOU COVERED IN CONFETTI AND FEATHERS?"
Everyone exchanged looks at that. How were they supposed to explain what had happened? The story was … ridiculous!
"Batman, we can explain –"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR EXCUSES!"
Before any of them could open their mouths to plea for mercy, a loud cackling laugh split through the air. They all whipped around, Red Hood finally taking his hand off the button, and spotted the Joker. He was clapping and looked as though he'd roll on the floor from laughing so hard.
"I can't believe you fell for that!" his laughter got higher and more intense, "there was nobody in that warehouse, calm your wings Batman." He caught sight of Red Hood and Nightwing, and honestly looked as though he were about to explode from laughing so hard at the two of them. "That worked better than I thought it would! HAHAHAHAHHAA!"
"What did you do to Nightwing?" Red Robin demanded, and Batman whipped his head around to look at Red Robin, surprised. He didn't know the Joker had done anything to his eldest son.
"I sorta mighta shot him up with some gas… don't worry, it was meant for you Red Robin! With that stupid costume of yours, I think it would look better with some feathers!" He cackled at the nasty look Red Robin threw at him. "It wore off as you could see, but I bet him acting like a chicken and attempting to get Red Hood to do the same was quite the show!"
"Not really," Red Hood muttered, his hands balling up into fists.
"Wait… so, they didn't actually kill anyone?"
"Unfortunately."
"…and you drugged Nightwing into believing he was a chicken?"
"Nah, he just kind of paraded around as one. I think it was more to get on Red Hood's nerves than anything."
"…where did you get all the confetti from?" Red Hood cut in, crossing his arms. "And how did you get some in my gun?"
"HAHAHAHAHA! I CANT BELIEVE THAT ACTUALLY WORKED!"
"Yeah, laugh it up psycho…"
The Joker appeared to be trying to calm himself down, but failing miserably at it. "Okay okay, how about we just call this a night…" giggling madly, the Joker pulled a large, obnoxious purple and green gun out of his pocket (how the hell it fit, Red Robin had no clue, and he wasn't planning on finding out). He raised the gun, aimed it straight at Red Hood, and pulled the trigger.
Instead of the barrage of bullets they had expected, confetti flew out of it and spread across the entire room. Red Robin didn't think he'd ever seen so much confetti in one place before. It was practically choking him. He could hear Red Hood's yelling out and cursing the confetti (which was everywhere by this point).
"Where did the Joker go?!" Nightwing finally yelled out, and they all instantly froze. Robin stopped attempting to get confetti out of his ear, Red Hood threw his helmet (which was filled with confetti… Red Robin was very unsure as to how that had happened) and almost smacked Batman in the face with it. Red Robin was pulling confetti from his utility belt when he heard Nightwing's frustrated yell. Blinking, he whipped around. The confetti had stopped flying around in the air at this point, and he had a clearer view of the room. Sure enough, the Joker was nowhere to be found.
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Wing, you've got some feathers on y –"
"I KNOW!"
…
Awkward ending place is awkward. I honestly had no clue where I was going with this. It was going to be a serious one-shot and then I had the stupidest idea to have confetti fly out of a confused Jason Todd's gun, and then this weird thing happened. I figured it was weird enough to put it with the humorous one-shots (I sincerely hope this was humorous to you, because it freaking killed me to write it). Anywho, let me know what you thought about this one.
I'll attempt funnier ones in the future, and ones that actually make (some) sense. I need to go back to eating sugar late at night if I want to write these one-shots...
I also have no idea why I wrote so much about confetti. Maybe because it irritates me so much and I needed Jason to sympathize with me.