A/N: ok i dunno. i have no excuse for this.
The weekend flies by, a lot faster than you had hoped it would. You considered asking Kurloz out again, just to get to know him a little better, but between texts from both Horrus and Damara, you had thought better of it.Maybe he doesn't like me all that much, you think to yourself as you pull some clothes on for the day.
You hated Mondays, and you hated mornings. It was tough to avoid sometimes, but you tried not to party too much on Sundays, lest you wake up with a hangover or smelling like pot. Getting into the habit of getting up extra early so you could take Tavros to school had been a major pain in the ass, but occasionally you could appreciate the sunrise or the darkness before it, and all the early morning frost. Bush parties chilled you to your useless bones, but the way early mornings felt against your skin was nice sometimes.
You also rise early to take care of your hair. Instead of taking some hits with Damara like she had wanted, you spent the evening with Tavros; you had forced him to watch some of your favorite magical girl animes, and you shaved his hair as thanks. Tavros was also nice enough (read: you guilt-tripped him into it) help you dye your hair, because sometimes you bleached too much of your roots or wasted some of the dye. You also had to straighten your slightly wavy hair and style it into your usual Mohawk, which took time. Your younger brother's routine was pretty similar, though he didn't have to do nearly as much with his stupid hair as you did yours. All in all, you were pretty sure that most kids your age didn't have to fuck around so early in the morning, and you felt rather bitter about this when you got out of bed sometimes.
Both you and your brother were quiet, as you ate and loaded him into the van. You piled your bag on Tavros' lap and shoved him into the van, teasing him a little as you did- he wasn't a morning person, and neither were you, but it was funny watching him get angry sometimes. The drive was quiet, until Tavros managed to wrestle your music from you and put on some of his terrible rap. You had to fight the urge to beat your head against your steering wheel, but you were driving, and you didn't feel like getting into any accidents. Not today.
Before you and Tavros had jumped into the van, you were sure to do a once and twice over it, to make sure it wasn't a mess. On Saturday night, you had decided to go out and run a few errands for your dad, grab some groceries, all that sort of stuff. You had the evening to do it, so there was no rush. You had gone into the store for what your dad wanted, and when you came out and got back into the van, Damara was perched in the back seat, with some slightly illegal substances in hand. You didn't take the joints- once or twice she had given you some bad stuff, and you didn't trust what she rolled. She had also been nice enough to pick up your favorite (expensive) brand of whiskey, but you pushed it away, saying you had to drive home.
Still, she wouldn't leave. Damara simply sat herself in the passenger seat and had you drive close to the outskirts of town and park. Once again she had pressed what she brought on you and you declined again, firmly. The thoughts of a boy with purple, curly hair was enough to turn you off of them, but when she went for the zipper of your jeans, those thoughts left you.
Well. Not entirely. Instead of listening to her crude Japanese, you pretended it was Kurloz' mouth around you, taking the base of you in hand and rubbing your thighs. After having been with Horrus enough, you had decided you hated rough sex- it hurt too much and left you with too many extra rips in your clothes, and left too much evidence. One of the perks of fucking Damara was that she was practiced and patient, she seemed to like doing all the work and didn't hurt you. In the back of your mind you had wondered if Kurloz would be like this; soft and gentle, and without all the pressure and guilt that came along with Damara.
Your ex-girlfriend had tried to get on top of you, but your limit was there- you didn't have any condoms on hand and she skirted around the topics of birth control. The last thing you wanted was a kid, especially with Damara- so a blowjob was as far as you let her take you. You never offered to touch her back, because she was always the one forcing herself on you, and you were pretty sure you weren't the only person she fooled around with. After you were done, she demanded that you drive her home, which you did- you weren't so bad that you would force a girl to walk around at night by herself. You were far from a gentleman, but you had some sense, and you did care enough about her that you didn't want her to get hurt.
Once you were home, your dad seemed unimpressed with how long you had taken, but you just handed him what he wanted and walked off when he was done talking. You loved your dad and your brother, even if Tavros was needy and whiny and your dad smothered you and babied you. After that you had gotten to work on your homework, and you stashed the bag Damara had left not-so-subtly in your van. Sure, you didn't want to drink or get high with her, but you weren't stupid. Drugs and alcohol were expensive. You still didn't trust the rolled cigarettes so much, but you figured that you would get rid of them somehow, even if you didn't want to smoke them yourself.
Which brought you back to your morning. You were more than happy to drop your finished papers off on your teachers desk first period, even if they were half-bullshitted and your rough draft was your final draft. A grade was a grade, and you wanted your goddamn diploma so you could get the hell out of this stupid town. The known presence of the local church groups managed to piss you off regularly, and you wanted to move to a bigger city. Bless your brother and your dad, but you just wanted to get out of here.
It was after second period now, and you had a spare. You hated that it wasn't first thing, so that you could sleep in just a little bit. You were at your locker, putting away your books when a voice came up behind you that made your skin crawl.
"Does your cell phone require my technical expertise? If it is damaged, I could repair it easily for you."
With a sigh, you shut your locker with probably more force than necessary, and turn around. There stood Horrus, fidgeting a little bit, but he was smiling earnestly at you.
You hated that. This guy smiled a lot, and often for no reason; you knew it was because his best friend (or what appeared to be more like his girlfriend) told him to be positive and try to get his previously deep scowl off his strong jaw. Meulin was almost a good friend of yours, but you could sort of tell she was sweet on Horrus, which you didn't mind. In fact, you wished that Horrus would just notice, so that he would break up with you, since you couldn't seem to break up with him. In any case, you were glad for her; he used to be rougher with you, and he used to yell at you, before she slapped him upside the head and got him to smarten up. Now he was just too touchy, too attentive, too much.
The thought of talking to Meulin about her feelings suddenly seemed like a very good idea.
You had English with Meulin after lunch, and you decided you would talk with her then. "…My phone is fine, Horrus. Why do you think it would be broken?" You ask, trying not to sigh too much.
The light catches the side of Horrus' face, which has a slight sheen to it, and you do your best not to cringe. He was sweating, and he pulled some hair out of his face and his glasses. "Ah…I see. Forgive me. I had assumed your silence was the fault of any malfunctions your phone had been experiencing. May I ask why you didn't return any of my calls or texts recently?"
You find yourself also doing your best to stifle a groan. Was Horrus just now understanding what breaking up entailed? Or that you had told him off a few times beforehand? Still- if you had a chance to finally, properlybreak up with him, you were going to take it. "Bro. I kinda talked to you about this sorta shit before…about all the calling and texting, I mean."
More sweat. "I…I seem to recall a few of these conversations, yes."
You roll your eyes and your shoulders, and listen to the crescendo of cracks and pops that follow. You were sore, and stiff. Might as well see how much he's figured out, you decide. "Right. So what else do you remember from these…uh…conversations, if you don't mind me asking?"
Horrus' stance changes subtly, with his hands coming together and his feet shuffling. He almost looks apologetic. Thoughts of all the things he's yelled in your direction and the times he's practically thrown you against a mattress come to mind, but you try hard not to think of that while you stare at him. Something like fear starts up in you, and you try not to let it show in your posture. "You have mentioned before that you would prefer if I ceased trying to contact you so often and so much. Also that…you wanted to…ah…possibly, have more time and personal space to yourself. Granted, I understand that having time to oneself to recharge, and think things through is very valuable, and necessary…" You grit your teeth. He was doing it again. Horrus tended to debunk whatever you were saying with a blast of his feelings and a load of noise pollution about how important you were to him, and how highly he thought of himself. At first, his high self esteem had attracted you, but now you were nothing but bitter. "…and now that I have given you time to yourself, I'm sure that you have some to many realizations and conclusions. I'm sure you have thought better of any actions you have taken previously, and I am more than prepared to forgive you for anything you have decided you wished you had not said." Wait, what?You feel yourself tense a little, irritation seeping into your blood. Horrus rattles on some more. "…After all, I am more than willing to give you anything that you need. You and your well-being are so important to me. It was neigh impossible for me to leave you in such a state for so long, but I have done it, as per your request."
Oh, no. Fuck no. No, no, no. You resist every urge to hit him, push him, hurt him physically in the ways he's hurt you, but you resist. If Horrus wanted to break you, he could. Both he and his cousin were of ridiculous stature, and you were tall and fit enough, but against the two of them, it would be nothing. You think of Kurloz; if you broke up with Horrus…maybe…just maybe…you could date him for real. Make him your…boyfriend. You didn't understand why he liked you, if he even felt that way, but…a tiny part of you hoped that he wanted to be more.
"Horrus," You grit, trying hard to not let your anger get the better of you. "I haven't said anything that I want to take back. I haven't needed any time to 'think things over' like you said I needed to. I took that time, which, I'll remind you, I don't need your fucking permission to take. I told you not to call and text me anymore because I'm over you!" Your voice rises as you talk, and Horrus' jaw goes slack, probably from all the anger you usually never displayed, coupled with your language. Maybe also because you didn't dodge the issue this time for the sake of his feelings.
"I…I…what?" His voice comes out sort of like a squeak, which pisses you off more for some reason. Well, there goes not letting him get the best of you. At least you hadn't hit him like you wanted. "You're…what?" His voice lowers and retreats to almost a whisper. You make up for his lack of words and volume with pleasure.
"I said. I'm over you, man. I'm done. I'm so fucking done! I'm done with all the ways you ignore me. I hate it when you fucking do this. You just talk, and talk, and…talk!" Your hands are moving without much prompting from you. "You talk over everything I say, and it makes me feel like shit! Like…I don't even really matter to you…that you just want something to fuck." You take a breath, and ignore the look of hurt written across his face. "And when we do, I'm so fucking tired of all your messed up kinks. I don't like being tied up, I hate it when you touch me…I hate the way it hurts when you want me!" You give him a small shove for emphasis, and he takes it, stepping away from you, and you advance a little. "I don't want you."
For a moment, you let yourself breathe. Horrus just stares at you, eyes wide from underneath his glasses. A hand comes out towards you, and you slap it away. "Rufioh, I didn't-"
"No!" You almost yell and take a step back.
"-mean it. I didn't. I didn't know. I thought…"
"You thought what?" You snap and take another step back, with your back almost hitting the lockers. Heat and moisture is pooling in your ducts, and you didn't need that.
"…I thought that you loved me." Horrus manages after a moment.
Instead of feeling guilty and apologetic like you thought you would, apathy washes over you. You take time to wipe at your eyes and keep anything from spilling over in front of this man. "I've been cheating on you, Horrus."
"I…what?" He looks you over again, looking as though he didn't believe you.
You huff. This was it. Here it is. You were breaking more of your best friend down. "I've been…seeing Damara. And no, we're not dating, we're just…" You hug yourself and take a step to the side, looking around to see if your volume had attracted any people passing by. "…and…I'm dating someone else."
The look on his face is enough for you. You wipe your eyes again and shake your head. "R…Rufioh, I…please…" He reaches out again and that was it. You turn and walk away as fast as you can without running, and make for the doors of your school. After you're out the front doors break into a run for the parking lot, huffing and sniffling as you do. You spot your van, and you go for it, and reach into your pocket. To your horror, they're not there; so you lean against your van for a moment, and glance back to make sure Horrus hasn't come after you. You lead yourself to the walls further back the building for your school, halfways to the empty smokers' pit, and your allow yourself to cry. As far as you can tell, you're alone against the cold bricks of your school and you drop and sit yourself down, and curl up.
Your tears were dampening the knees of your jeans, but you didn't care. You didn't care if someone passing by heard or saw you. You couldn't go back in for your keys, and you didn't have any friends to call and ask for their help. So you just sunk further into yourself, allowing yourself to cry, just this once.
Horrus wasn't gentle. He was never gentle with you, though you knew he had tried. You were angry, angry with Horrus for being so understanding and good to you, even if he had put you on a pedestal like everyone else you knew had did. He had pressured you just like Damara had, expecting everything of you, and you were done. The pads of your fingers slide up your coat, and up the wrist of your arm and you scratch. You press and hold, breaking skin as you cry. You don't notice the sound of gravel crunching until it's too late.
Hands are on your arms and shoulders and knees, accompanied by light taps and brushes. You don't dare look up at whoever has found you, your eyes and cheeks burning with embarrassment. Why had this happened to you? You didn't mean for things to go this way. If only I had my fucking keys, you think as fingers situate themselves under your chin and tug, and you find yourself looking at Kurloz Makara.
His hands are flying as soon as you lock eyes with him, with his mouth turned back into a frown and his eyebrows are drawn up. You blush and shy away, sliding against the wall in an attempt to get away from him. "I-I don't…I don't understand…" You hiccup, and he stops. Kurloz stares at you with his arms limp against his sides and you look away and curl into yourself again, trying not to cry anymore.
Kurloz shuffles up on his knees in front of you and grabs your wrists, pulling them away from yourself, reminding you of how he had done that on your date when you got nervous. Thankfully he doesn't seem to notice you hurting yourself, and if he does, he doesn't show it. Warmth greets you as he pulls you in for a soft hug, pulling you up close into his sweater that smells like smoke. You take it- you sag against him as he takes you up close in your arms, with your cheek resting against his shoulder and the crook of his neck as more tears slide down your cheeks. Your hands find the front of his shirt and you cling as he holds you. A noise that sounds like "shhhhh," leaves him, and you find yourself unable to listen.
Kurloz holds you close until you stop crying.