Chapter 4

Edd didn't attend the game the next day. Much as he wanted to watch Kevin play, his nerves about the evening's party caught up to him; he thought attending the game would only increase his confusion. On the one hand, he liked Wilhelmina; she smiled and laughed but could hold up her end of an intelligent conversation once she got over Edd's own intelligence and interest in less than normal subjects. On the other hand, he wasn't sure that he felt strongly enough about her to consider actually dating. He certainly liked her as a friend, and he even found her attractive, but he wondered if friendship was all he felt for her. And he didn't know where Kevin fit into everything, but he had never had the sensations he felt with his roommate with anyone else.

So he spent the afternoon in the dorm, researching human sexuality, party etiquette, and anything that could tell him what to expect for the night. He briefly considered phoning Ed at home to ask for advice. He had dated in high school, but Edd figured he probably wouldn't know any better than he did about Kevin, and the thought of verbalizing it all was too embarrassing anyway. He knew the obvious answer would be to ask Kevin about his worries, because he had dated in high school and knew plenty about girls and even seemed to understand emotions pretty well, but as Kevin was part of the problem he couldn't bring it up to him either.

By six o'clock Kevin had returned, jubilant at the winning outcome of the game. Edd congratulated him whole-heartedly while he picked through his closet, trying to decide what would be most appropriate for a celebratory party. Wilhelmina wasn't going to be coming by until nine, but Edd worried that it would take him too long to look sufficiently appropriate for the cool older girl. He tried on a few different outfits, finally deciding on a pair of jeans, a long green t-shirt, and a black tie.

By the time they actually arrived at the party, it appeared it had been going for several hours. Music poured out of every open door and drunken students stumbled from room to room. Girls in short dresses and wearing too much make up laughed and wiggled in a way Edd supposed was dancing. Guys holding plastic cups watched or participated in the dancing. Wilhelmina took Edd by the hand and led him to the back of the house. Kegs sat along the back wall of what seemed to be the kitchen. She retrieved two beers and handed one to him.

Edd had never touched alcohol before. He tasted the substance in the cup experimentally and tried not to make a face at the slightly bitter flavor.

"Sorry, it's not the best, but it's free with the entry," she called to him over the music.

He nodded. He was about to respond when Kevin walked through the door of the kitchen. The way his t-shirt molded to his sculpted chest caught Edd's attention first, followed by the slightly angry face he made when he saw his roommate.

Wilhelmina saw the look as well it seemed, as she grabbed him by his tie and pulled him out of the room saying, "Come on! I want to dance. "

They wound up on the dance floor, and by the end of his first beer, Edd was beginning to find his rhythm, holding his date's hips and moving to the music.

When Kevin entered the kitchen looking for another beer, the last thing he had expected to see was Edd holding a red plastic cup to his mouth, biting the rim. He frowned as his already strung out hormones kicked into overdrive. He immediately went to the keg to get himself a beer, which he downed immediately, before refilling his cup. When he turned around the dork had disappeared.

He walked around the house, being congratulated by different party goers for making the winning goal in the last five minutes. Girls stumbled up to him, congratulating him on his amazing "field goal" before he smiled gently and turned them toward his friends. Finally he walked into a room where Chris sat with a few beautiful girls. He could see the living room, which was being used as a dance floor, through an open archway.

"Hey! I was just telling these lovely ladies about your winning goal. Elle here is particularly impressed and was hoping you'd do her the honor of a dance."

A pretty girl with dark black hair, dark rimmed eyes and full lips looked up at him. She smiled and a slight gap showed between her two front teeth. Kevin groaned. "Maybe next time. I'm—I'm not feeling real well."

Chris looked incredulous and stood. He grabbed Kevin and pulled him across the room, out of earshot of the girls. "What the hell is wrong with you, dude? She is totally hot and interested in your skinny ass."

Kevin shook his head. "I'm just not interested. I kind of—I have a thing for someone else."

"Is she into you?"

Kevin looked out the archway to see the object of his affection dancing. His hands gripped that girl's waist as she ground her backside into his groin. "I—no, I don't think so."

"Then get your ass out on the floor with that girl. As captain of the soccer team that's an order, so get your ass in gear and get that girl on the floor."

Kevin nodded and walked back over to Elle. "I'm going to get another beer, but then I would love to dance with you, if you're still interested."

Kevin pounded a third beer and poured a forth before leading the pretty girl onto the dance floor. He danced lazily, trying not to focus on his roommate or her resemblance to him. By the bottom of his forth beer, he felt fairly drunk. The girl in front of him, he could no longer remember her name, merely that she looked like Edd, ground her hips into his. He felt a slight arousal coming as he imagined his roommate as the girl.

One of the guys turned on a slower song. While still danceable, Elle turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck, so they danced chest to chest, groin to groin. She looked up at him with wide, green eyes and he knew what she wanted. He closed his eyes, pretending she was actually Edd, leaned down and kissed her. Her lips were soft and she responded eagerly. So eagerly that he had to press her against a wall, one hand holding himself up in his drunken state. She slipped her tongue through his lips, deepening the kiss and grasping at the hair she could reach under the brim of his backward cap. When she pressed her groin against his, he pulled back slightly and smiled at her. "Want to go back to my place?"

She smiled and nodded and he led her from the room.

He could keep up his image, just as he had in high school.

Edd had a second beer while he and Wilhelmina were dancing and he felt loose and good. He guessed that he was a little drunk, but didn't spend the time to analyze. Wilhelmina was an excellent dancer. He caught several of the other guys in the room watching her, and even heard a few question what she was doing with him when he went for a refill on their beers. While he wondered the same thing, he felt mostly grateful that she had chosen to attend the party with him when she obviously had a few other options available to her. He bounced a little as he walked back to his date with both beers. As he handed one to her he noticed a couple hot and heavy against the wall behind her. He stared as he realized that the male counterpart of the couple was none other than Kevin. His gut twisted a little and he took a large gulp of his drink, hoping the foamy substance would make his stomach unknot.

Wilhelmina smiled at him and took a sip of her own drink. "You okay?" she asked, unaware of the scene playing out behind her.

Edd watched as Kevin led the girl from the room and out the front door.

"Edd?"

He looked back at the girl standing in front of him. "Oh of course. Shall we continue?" They continued to dance, but Edd didn't enjoy himself as much as before. After an hour Wilhelmina suggested they leave. Edd agreed and they left the noisy house and walked out into the cool night air. He followed her to a building across campus and up to the third floor. She used her key and opened the door to her own dorm room. One side of the room was brightly decorated in pinks and yellows. The other was much more muted with grays and blues. The only exception to the muted half hung over the desk: a large, red canvas painted with stark white legs and a white hand gripping what he realized were red sheets. He knew immediately which side was Wilhelmina's and walked to examine the picture.

"Did you paint this?" he asked.

She laughed a little. "It was my final project last year. My mother said it was obscene."

He continued to look at it before nodding. "I can see why she'd think so. I like it though. The imagery is quite evocative."

She smiled at him. "I'm glad you think so."

He turned toward her. "You're very good."

She flushed slightly. "Thank you. Would you like another drink? I don't have any shitty beer but I have some other things. Alcoholic and non if you don't feel like drinking anymore."

Edd considered for a moment before saying, "I'll have whatever you're having."

"Alright, two green apple wine coolers coming right up." She pulled two glass bottles with black labels out of the mini fridge and handed one to Double D. He tasted it experimentally and found he liked it much more than he had liked the beer.

"You don't drink much, do you?"

"Never before tonight." He leaned against her bed.

She smiled. "You're cute." She stood in front of him, sipping out of the bottle and rocking back and forth on her heels. Suddenly she leaned forward and kissed him. The kiss was nice, soft and lingering. She tasted like the green apple drink and watermelon lip balm. Edd scooted back on the bed and she followed him, continuing the kiss. They laid down and he felt her hand sliding up under his t-shirt. It was the most intimate he had ever willingly been with anyone; his only previous experience from childhood when the Kanker Sisters would stalk him and his friends, forcing themselves on them whenever the opportunity presented itself. Gooseflesh spread up his arms and across his thighs as Wilhelmina's hand explored his chest and collarbones. He tried to enjoy the kiss and while the sensation was pleasurable, he felt nothing truly riveting as he kissed her back.

Her hand started a slow descent following the slim line of hair down his stomach and to his belt line.

Edd broke the kiss. "Wilhelmina, I—I need to stop."

She looked at him, confusion clear in her eyes. "What's wrong?"

He didn't know how to explain that while he liked her, he couldn't get the thought of his roommate out of his mind. So he started to babble. "You're beautiful, truly you are, but this is the most intimate I've ever been with anyone and while it is very nice, I'm not sure that I—that is to say, I like you a lot but—"

"Edd, you're speaking awfully quickly. It's just sex but if you aren't ready it's fine. We can just keep kissing. No need to go further or faster than you want."

"No, it's not—I mean I'm not ready but—well, I'm not sure that I ever will be."

She shook her head as if to clear it, her lips more pink than usual from their kissing, hair slightly mussed. He worried that he had been wrong to accept the invitation to the party at all.

"I mean it as no personal offense, I just—I wasn't sure before but I'm fairly certain now that—that if I am a sexual being that I don't…" he trailed off, words failing him.

Understanding seemed to bloom in her eyes. "You don't like girls, do you?"

Thoroughly embarrassed, Edd hung his head. "It's not that I don't want to…."

She smiled kindly at him and reached for his hand. "You can't help who you are—who you like. It's not something you choose."

He looked back up at her, eyes shining with embarrassed and frustrated tears that he wouldn't allow to fall. "You…don't mind?"

She shook her head. "You're a great guy. I wouldn't want you to pretend to be anything. Especially not when it comes to sex or falling in love."

"Thank you," he mumbled.

She stayed silent for a moment before murmuring, "Actually, this kind of makes sense."

"What do you mean?" He didn't think he'd acted in a way that would traditionally have given away his still questionable sexuality.

"There was a reflection in the TV at the party. I saw the couple behind us when you kinda froze with our last beers. I assumed you were being a bit prudish, so I kept my hands to myself while we were in public. But it was him, wasn't it? Your roommate?"

Edd hung his head again. "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

He shook his still hanging head. "Up until a week ago I would have said that I was asexual. Kevin—well that's a rather recent development. An unexpected one at that. I'm not sure how I feel about him."

She leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek. "Do you want to watch a movie? I can't help you figure this all out right now, but I can at least try to distract you."

He actually wanted to go back to his room and sleep but the image of Kevin and that girl against the wall in the soccer house played through his mind. He supposed they would keep the room occupied for some time. Even if they didn't, he wasn't sure he could face Kevin right away. So he agreed to stay, a distraction sounding more appealing by the second.

Wilhelmina put a disk in the DVD player and pressed play. Edd had never seen the film before, deeming it too stupid when it was in theaters but he found it to be surprisingly cleverer than he had expected. He actually laughed through much of it. He sat with Wilhelmina on her bed, an arm around her shoulders to accommodate the small bed he told himself; in truth they were both slim enough they could have sat comfortably side by side without the physical connection, but Edd needed the comfort and Wilhelmina wasn't about to deny him it. He fell asleep next to her that night, exhausted and still a little drunk.

The room smelled like sex, and hot shame boiled through Kevin. He had been so drunk the night before that he barely remembered the source of the smell. Images of it flashed through his mind, but he couldn't remember how one event necessarily led to the other. She had gone hours before, trying to sneak out without waking him. He let her think that she had managed it. He guessed it was significantly later than he usually allowed himself to sleep in, but he couldn't drag himself out of bed. The shade was still pulled and he couldn't tell what time it actually was, but found he didn't care.

Edd hadn't come back last night.

He could guess why.

A low buzzing sounded from somewhere in the room and Kevin finally rousted himself to look for his phone. Before he could find it he found a pair of shorts and pulled them up his hips, in case Edd decided to return. The last thing he needed was to explain why he was walking around their shared living space without a stitch of clothing on. He searched the floor for the jeans he'd worn the night before. He found them strewn across the room, next to Edd's bed. The phone was in his pocket still and he checked it, squinting at the bright light in the still dark room. A text shone bright on the screen from one of the guys on the team, Jason, one of the few that he actually liked. Kevin tapped out a quick response that he didn't want to meet up for lunch but thanks anyway and looked around the room.

Disgusted with himself, he pulled a tissue and picked up the used condom from the floor. He threw it out then took the nearly empty bag to the trash room. When he got back to the room, he proceeded to clean as much as he could. He did a load of laundry and tried to remove any and all traces of the girl he had brought back. A part of him knew he wanted to clean to literally wipe the slate clean of his own self disgust, but a small part knew better; he was cleaning for Edd. Even if the boy had a girlfriend, he wanted to make him happy, and a clean room was a small step to help that along. Finally, he dragged himself to the shower.

When Edd returned to the room, Kevin sat at his desk working on an introductory paper for his composition class. Neither boy acknowledged the night before.