Final chapter and epilogue. And well, I got the idea for a certain character's new name from a kind of molasses that you get from the final pressing of sugar cane. It's called 'Blackstrap', and it takes a little getting used to, but it's quite tasty. This fic didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it, but it was sure fun to write. Anyhoo, on to the final chapter!
Once in the portal, Ralph noticed something odd going on. Many of the sprites were glitching, and the track looked different than it had when he had first arrived.
"Where was Q*Bert... your buddy... the last time you saw him?" he asked Turbo.
"He was out here, but maybe they put him back in that building over there!"
Turbo pointed to a generic-looking red box-building with a window and a door.
Just then, they heard someone yelling in Q*Bert-ese in the distance, and turned to see a car zooming on the track, with Q*Bert in it.
"Oh no!" Turbo cried, "He's gonna crash!"
Turbo ran to the track, waiting for Q*Bert's car to approach. As the car went by, he grabbed onto it, and held on while the car dragged him along.
"Ow! Ooh that pavement's rougher than it looks!" he yelped.
Two other cars could be seen on the other side of the track, but were drawing closer to Q*Bert's car. Turbo pulled himself up to the driver's seat, trying to reach for the brake, all the while coughing from the exhaust fumes.
"It's okay, Fella... er I mean, Q*Bert," Turbo said, "I got some help. First we gotta stop this car!"
Q*Bert yelled something, and his word balloon had a triangle with a '!' in the middle.
The sound of two other cars could be heard from behind, and Turbo knew his rival racers were gaining on him.
"Looks like we gotta get some distance from these guys first."
One of them got close enough to ram into the side of Turbo's car, and the other was tapping his rear bumper.
"This looks bad. Just gotta go faster!"
Q*Bert said some indecipherable but encouraging words, with an 'O.K.' sign in his word balloon among the other symbols.
Suddenly, Ralph grabbed one of the rival cars and tossed it off the race track, while Calhoun shot some holes in the other, letting air out of the tyres. Both cars were out of play, and disappeared, respawning a few meters away.
"Go on, Turbo, head for the Finish Line!" Ralph called, "I'll keep 'em busy!"
The giant lay down on the track, watching for the cars to approach, which they did at full speed. As they did, he drew his legs back and gave both cars a powerful kick. Looking back, he saw that Turbo was getting close to the Finish Line."
The cars respawned again, and he watched as they drove off the track near one of the glitched areas. He had to act fast, so Ralph took a flying leap and tackled one of them. Calhoun and Markowski re-loaded and aimed for the other, but couldn't get a clear shot; it was getting too close to Turbo's car, and they couldn't risk hurting Q*Bert.
As they drew closer to the Finish Line, the remaining car was riding Turbo's bumper.
"Come on Turbo... you can do it... just a little faster," Turbo told himself, planting his foot firmly on the gas pedal.
Meanwhile, Calhoun followed the remaining car with her gun's site, aiming for the area just behind it.
"Wait!" Felix yelled, pulling the gun away, "They're too close! You could end up killing Q*Bert!"
"There's method to my madness," Calhoun explained, "I'm not aiming for the car. Just watch."
She aimed and fired, hitting the track and grazing the rear wheels of the car that was tailing Turbo. The force was enough to make it veer off course, into a wall. It flipped, and the driver got out and kicked the wreckage before it disappeared.
They all watched with bated breath as Turbo crossed the finish line, and all the glitched sprites reverted to their original forms.
"You know, I'm surprised at you two!" Felix scolded, "You are part of a game, and you guys should work as a team! You know what happens when you fool with the programming?"
"Your game glitches," Calhoun answered for him, giving Speed-Machine a deadly glare.
"I thought all good guys were treated nicely and lived the good live, you know," Ralph added, pacing the track and looking very ticked, "But you treat him like dirt just because you're second and third bananas! You know how the people in my game treated me? You know what happens when you mistreat a fellow game character? I almost quit my game because of people like you!"
Felix nodded.
"You two should be ashamed of yourselves!"
"But we just didn't like being hurt by him," Throttle countered.
"Yeah, it's a pain in the bit getting knocked down whenever he wins," Speed-Machine grumbled, "When they tested us, we got beaten so many times, and it hurts when you feel like you're a nothing."
"I know how it feels," Ralph said, "Whenever Felix wins, I get knocked off a tall building into a mud puddle. Been doing that for over thirty years. I know what you're going through, and maybe a friend of mine can help."
"And I think I could teach you guys how to fall so it doesn't hurt," Felix offered, "There's lotsa ways to make the whole video game experience a whole lot smoother for non-player characters.
"By the way, Turbo," Ralph said, "Would you like to come to the next Bad-Anon meeting with me? I mean I know you're not a bad guy, but I think you'd really like some of the guys and gals there. They're really cool people... just watch out for Bowser's breath though... especially when he catches a cold."
Turbo considered it for a moment, then looked up at Ralph and smiled.
"Sure," he said, "Will they be serving candied apples?"
"I dunno about that," Ralph replied, "But they do have some really good coffee and cookies, and I think Bison's buying donuts tonight. Besides that, we get free cherries – humongous cherries. Trust me, you'll really like it there."
"I'm a pretty darned good racer, but my problem is I'm programmed to shove the others off the pedestal when I win. It's a real letdown after a sweet victory, if you know what I mean. I just don't like hurting people," Turbo said, as he stood in the circle.
The others nodded.
"I don't like hurting people either," Bison piped up, "I used to hate being a bad guy, but I realized, that some people do think I'm cool, and it's best to focus on the ones who care about you."
"You must learn to like yourself," Saitine added, "You have a special role in your game, and without you, your game will be nothing."
"Game is more than sum of parts... urrgh..." a zombie groaned, "Every part counts... good guys... bad guys... all in it togethurrr."
Turbo smiled and sat down. Clyde then made his speech.
"In light of recent events, we will be welcoming some good guys. Our goal is to help characters accept themselves for who they are. We can't let prejudice get in the way of understanding and acceptance. So next week, bring Throttle and Speed-Machine with you. Oh, and we also will be holding some Q*Bert-ese and Simlish classes. Understanding different languages is a vital part of connecting with and accepting different characters. Now we will close by reciting the Bad Guys Anonymous Motto."
They joined hands and closed their eyes.
"I am bad, and that is good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's nobody I'd rather be, than me."
Three months later, Turbo and the rest of the residents of his world had to evacuate. It was no fault of their own, as the game had functioned perfectly after that night. The problem was, the game just wasn't that popular, and some of the paint was showing wear. The one buying the game was said to be a collector.
"I don't know what to do now," Turbo sighed, staring into his drink at Tapper's, "Without a home... what am I?"
"Oh, I think I have a solution," Ralph said, "Just come with me. I know the perfect game for you and the other guys."
"I don't know about this."
"Aww come on," Vanellope cajoled, "You're gonna be adopted. We'll just hafta work with you guys' code a little... maybe give you a few decorations and bake you a new kart! It'll be fun!"
"Trust her," Ralph said, "Just give it a try. If you don't like it, we'll still do what we can to help."
"Well, alright," Turbo shrugged as he followed Vanellope to the Kart-baking mini-game.
"I know this'll work," Ralph said to himself, "I just know it."
"And in third place," Sour Bill announced in his dead-pan fashion, "Blackstrap Moe."
"Next time it'll be First, Sourpuss!" a man dressed in a gingerbread coloured suit trimmed with red vine licorice and white frosting, and a cherry-shaped helmet, yelled back as he parked his gingerbread themed kart.
Ralph and his friends gathered around Blackstrap's kart, and each gave him a high-five.
"You know, you were awesome today, Turbo," Ralph said, offering the man a glass of cold pink lemonade from the lemonade fountain.
"I'm gonna be a whole lot better next race," Turbo replied, "And by the way, thank you for helping me find a new home. It's not Turbo Time, but the players really seem to like me... almost as much as they like Vanellope of course. Being second-banana isn't half-bad."
Ralph smiled, then helped himself to a candied apple.
Throttle and Speed-Machine had also been adopted and were given the names "Green Mochi" and "Shirokuma". The announcer and other NPCs worked with the camera crew and really spruced up the game.
Ralph himself was learning more Q*Bert-ese and some Simlish, and he even made a few Sim friends. Some things change, while others stay the same. Games were starting to adopt the homeless characters, since nobody knew when his or her game would be unplugged, and it was nice to have a home. The recent incident had been a blessing in disguise and made Ralph realize even more that no matter how bad things could get, there was a way to make them better.
As he thought about that, Ralph took a bite out of his candied apple, then got an earful from a gummy worm he had apparently almost bitten in half. Chuckling, he set the apple aside and picked a new one, hoping to not find another surprise. Despite the occasional worm in the apple, Ralph thought, life was pretty sweet.