Katherine (KBPOV)

I didn't want to things go that far, but since it did, I was happy that Castle and Lanie saved me; like I said before: I was not a suicidal, just some kind of masochist.

I had forgotten how close to the death I used to get when I cut; strangely was a nice feeling.

I woke up feeling better than the day before; Lanie was still by my side sleeping in an uncomfortable position, she was such a good friend, always saving me when I was almost on the other side.

I hoped that Patricia had already understood that I wasn't going for the day and had canceled all my appointments; but just to be sure I slowly got up and walked towards my purse that was sitting on the other side of the room.

Finally, I got there and to my happiness my phone still had battery but I had so many missed calls and messages that I didn't know if the battery would last to respond everybody. I organized my priorities; and the most important thing in the moment was my work, so I called the office.

"Katherine Becketts's office, how can I help you?" Patricia said with her professional voice. She was a good PA, I would happily keep her forever on the job.

"Hello Patricia, it's the Katherine Beckett herself."

"Oh… Hi boss. Something happened? It's 9am and you still haven't arrived at the office."

"Yes, something happened. In fact, right now I am in the hospital. I had a little accident yesterday and probably I will be here for the day."

"Okay boss, you text me the address of the hospital that you are and will get you the files so you can prepare to court tomorrow, and also I will cancel all your appointments. The good thing is that you don't have court today."

"You are right, if I had court would be a disaster. Make today's appointment a priority tomorrow and schedule some of them on Saturday, even Sunday if needed. If they ask what happened just say that I had a little accident but sadly the hospital couldn't release me today. But for them not to worry, was a simple thing and will be good as new tomorrow."

"Of course, I will see you in a few hours with the files."

"Okay, thank you. Bye."

"Bye."

When I hang up the phone, the doctor entered the room, smiling at me with that polite smile that I sometimes had given the world.

"Miss Beckett, since you are awake, we need to talk."

"Of course, just give me a moment so I can lie down again."

"Sure." When I was comfortable in the bed, he started talking. "We called your therapist because of what happened that brought you here to the hospital. Also, you will stay in observation for today and can leave tomorrow as soon you wake up. The therapist will arrive shortly for an emergency session. She said she would be here in 30 minutes."

"Of course. Thank you doctor."

"Sure."

With the end of the conversation the doctor left saying that if I had any trouble I should call a nurse. Lanie, shortly after the doctor left, woke up and without trying to wake me up, probably still thinking I was sleeping since I was just laying flat at the bed, stirred on the chair by my side without make a lot of noise noise. I didn't even notice at first that she was awake until she asked the million dollars question.

"Are you in love with Rick?" She said out of the blue, making me realize that in fact she knew I was awake and fighting the demons inside my fucking head.

"No." I said without even thinking.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I am incapable of loving somebody that I met after my mother's death Lanie. We both know it. Poor Peter tried so much to get me to love him; and look how well it ended."

"He wasn't right for you Kate, we both know it."

"He was perfect, not in the last months of course, but he was."

"That is why you cut yourself? You felt guilty that he spent so many years trying to make you love him."

"I already answered that question yesterday. I won't repeat myself."

"Okay then."

"Okay. Also, you can leave; my therapist should arrive soon."

"If you insist my lady." Lanie said sarcastically getting up and starting to organize her stuff to leave.

"It is not like that and you know it. I really appreciate what you did yesterday and all the times you saved me Lanie. Just don't ask what I can't give you."

"I won't Kate. I know you are thankful darling, don't worry."

"Okay, since that is settled. Can you pick up some clothes to me? I will go directly to work tomorrow morning."

"Are you really sure you already want to go the office?" Lanie asked worried.

"Yes Lanie, I am sure."

"Okay then, love you Kate. Don't do that to me again, do you understand me?"

"Yes, I love you too. Thank you again. And I will do my best to not scare you again."

"No need to thank me anymore. I will bring your clothes latter, do you want me to call Castle so he can stay with you?"

"No need, if I need company, I will read some fillies or something like that."

"Yeah, that sounds like you." Lanie said with a chuckle.

"Bye Lani."

"Bye girl, see you later."

"See you."

I laid there and looked and the TV black screen; I needed to call Castle. And how could Lanie ask me if I was in love with him. I didn't even know what mean to be in love. How do you feel? I read a few books about it a few years prior that day in the hospital, I read about how you felt; but I had never felt it. I didn't know why, maybe was my mother's death that made me that way. But after so many years I was tired of blaming all my faults on my mother's death. She was such a happy person, she was probably looking down from heaven or whatever is that you goes, if you goes somewhere, and thinking "what the fuck is my child doing with her life?"; I confess that I liked to think that my success as a lawyer was enough to make her proud but I knew better, she didn't care about money, maybe was because we had plenty or because that was just who she was. I would never discover that. But anyway, I needed to call Castle. I was sure he had many, many questions that sadly I didn't want to answer. Sadly or happily, I was interrupted before going too far inside my own head. Sometimes I was sure that one day I wasn't going to kill myself but I wasn't going to die by natural causes either, my head would kill me. My thoughts: the demons inside me, was the thing that someday would kill me.

"Hello Katherine, I heard you got yourself on trouble." Mackenzie, my therapist, was the interrupter of my thoughts.

"Hello Mackenzie. Good to see you again." I said sarcastic. Mackenzie had been my therapist since my mother's death, yeah a long time, she was a nice woman that I watched became old just like she watched me became a woman. Our relationship had always been based on sarcasm, but she was good. Usually we met every two weeks, but that was an emergency situation as you can imagine.

"If you missed me that much, you could she have called me Kate. No need to make this mess."

"Yeah, that is exactly what happened."

"Let's cut the crap, shall we?" She said closing the door, locking it and putting the chair that Lanie had slept on, in front of me. "What happened, Katherine?"

"Peter and I broke up. I broke the engagement off." I said looking flatly at the black screen of the TV, not wanting to meet her eyes.

"And? How you go from broking up with Peter to cutting yourself? Why did you guys break off?"

"We broke up because Peter has been an ass for a long time. I was and am tired of his shit, so I broke everything off."

"How did Peter react?"

"At first he was angry and then, when he saw that I was serious, I wasn't going to go back on my word, he was the perfect gentleman, like he usually is, if you don't count these last months." I said sarcastically.

"And that obviously bothers you?"

"Of course! I treated him like garbage for years and he was always fucking there, he was always fucking there. At the end, I wished he would go crazy at me, you know? Scream, be angry, call me names, I needed it. To prove to myself that I wasn't the one to blame for all the things that fucked up in our relationship."

"You thought that maybe if in the end he proved to you that he really was an asshole, you wouldn't be so guilty for treating him like garbage for years?"

"Yes."

"It kinds make sense. So, how you went to broking up with Peter to cutting yourself?"

"Hum…." I said.

"Hum… what? You have to talk about it Katherine, if you want to work tomorrow, you have to talk."

"I wanted to give him something. I never gave him nothing unless was material or something I didn't really care. People usually counts having sex with someone the ultimate thing to give somebody; when you have sex with somebody you gave yourself to them. We both know that this is not my case. And was like a thank you for being such a nice person to me, for giving me so much but never asking nothing. I am fucked up and selfish but I never wanted to Peter get hurt."

"You can think whatever you want about you Katherine, but in the end you are not a bad person. You have to stop feeling guilty about everything. Of course in your own way you loved Peter or at least liked. You wouldn't have stayed this long with him if you didn't feel anything. And don't say that you stayed because of the sex; we both know that it is not true. What did you write this time?"

"End. I wrote the word end." I said confidently, like was something I should be proud of. "Do you want to see it?"

"If you want to show it to me."

"Yes, I want. She is so beautiful; I made it on my hipbone." I said getting up and showing her the word, I took of the bandage what the doctors put when I came in, on the middle of the night."

"Yes, it is nice. But why did you choose end, besides it obviously reasons."

"I choose it to symbolize the end of an era. It was the end of the relationship that was toxic to him and to me, it was the end of something we built in the last five years."

"Why didn't you stop cutting after you completed what you wanted?"

"I couldn't. I forgot how good it felt, I was in heaven. I could hear the voice; you remember the voice that I told you about?" Mackenzie nodded. "Well, I could hear it all again. And it felt so good, I felt something. I fucking finally felt something."

"Katherine, of course you felt something. But it was all chemical. Whatever you felt don't fix your emotional problems."

"I know, but it feels like it fix."

"Who found you?"

"Lanie and Castle were the ones that found me."

"Castle? Your new friend?" I haven't told Mackenzie that my new friend was Richard Castle. She would want to talk about it forever, and I just couldn't do it.

"Yes."

"Interesting, how did he ended up in the equation?"

"I was having a drink with him when Peter called; he saw how angry I was with Peter. A few hours after I left the bar he called me, wanting to know how things went. I didn't pick up and I always pick up, so he didn't rest until he found out what happened."

"Wow, he was pretty determined. Did he think you were asleep? Or busy with Peter?" Mackenzie said raising an eye brown.

"He knows that I always answer my phone, doesn't matter the circumstance."

Before Mackenzie could say anything I loud pounding started on my door, I could hear behind it a nurse trying to calm down whoever was at the other side.

"Just wait a second, I will open it Mackenzie."

"Sure." The older woman said.

When I opened the person on the other side of the door was with his face red and angry, when he saw me, he hugged my tightly and then holding my shoulders he yelled at me.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FUCKING PHONE? WHY CAN'T YOU ANSWER ME? WHY WAS YOUR DOOR CLOSER? KATE, I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT ME TO SAY ANYTHING BUT YOU CAN'T FUCKING CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR. WHAT IF SOMETHING LIKE WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY HAPPENS AGAIN?"

"Calm down Castle. Calm the fucking down." I hissed at him.

Hey, thank you so much for the reviews from the last chapter. I am so happy that you guys liked the Death's POV, I was really worried about it!

Sorry for the delay in this chapter. This week was not my favorite it and I started watching The Newsroom and I couldn't focus on anything until I finished. Somebody here watches it? If not, you really should!

Anyway, review if you can please. See you in the next chapter :)