Katherine Beckett (KBPOV)
"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FUCKING PHONE? WHY CAN'T YOU ANSWER ME? WHY WAS YOUR DOOR LOCKED? KATE, I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT ME TO SAY ANYTHING BUT YOU CAN'T FUCKING LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR. WHAT IF SOMETHING LIKE WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY HAPPENS AGAIN?"
"Calm down Castle. Calm the fucking down." I hissed at him.
"How can I calm down? I was worried about you! You know what happened the last time you didn't answer my call, I FUCKING FOUND ON THE POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD!" He took a deep breath and continues "I am just worried about you. Sorry the yelling; I shouldn't yell, it is wrong." He said in his normal tone of voice.
"Okay, hum… I was in the middle of my session with my therapist, which is why the door was locked. I didn't answer my phone because nobody got me a charger so it doesn't have battery. Are you okay now?"
"Yeah, I am better now. Come here." He said getting near me and opening his arms to give me a hug. I didn't remember when I felt this good in the arms of somebody.
"I am sorry that I put you through this." I whispered to his chest. "I am really sorry." I whispered again when he squeezed me harder.
We stayed a long time hugging each other; I tried to engrave Castle's scent on my memory because he smelled extremely good. I could hear he sniffing my hair, probably trying to do the same thing I was doing. I was so lost in his embrace, in the moment, that I forgot about Mackenzie, who didn't go unnoticed for long. She cleaned her throat to make herself noticed. I untangled myself from Castle and I could feel my cheeks burning red.
"Mackenzie, this is hum… this is my friend Richard Castle." Castle soon recovered his posture and gave Mackenzie a handshake.
"Hi, I am Richard Castle; Kate's friend."
"Hi, I am Mackenzie, Kate's therapist; nice to finally meet you, Mr. Castle." Mackenzie said with a grin.
"Well Mack, maybe we could continue our session tomorrow. I really need to talk to Castle." I said trying to attract Mack's attention.
"Sure, but we can't miss our session tomorrow. We should probably do one in the weekend too just in case, and schedule three ones for next week."
"Okay, I ask Patricia to call you and schedule it. I will tell her to make our appointments priorities on my schedule."
"Okay Katherine. Don't forget it and if you feel the urge to do it again please call me, anytime! Don't be shy, Kate. We can't lose the work of 8 years."
"Yeah, I know Mackenzie. I am sorry about it, I really am. I just had to do it." I said giving Mack a hug. "Thank you so much for all you have done."
"No need to thank me. I will see you tomorrow, bye."
"Bye." I said closing the door behind her; Castle during all the conversation stood by the door, trying to understand what everything was about.
"Hey Castle, sit down please." I said a little shy now that was just the two of us and I was wearing a hospital gown that luckily wasn't open in the back but yet wasn't the most appropriate thing to wear.
"I was really worried Kate, what happened to you?"
"I am not sure if I want to tell you, or even if I should. I will probably change your perspective about me and I don't want that."
"What could possibly be to change my perspective about you? We have known each other for almost four months. It couldn't be worst that see you on the pool of your own blood."
"Yeah, kind it is." I said looking down at my lap and playing with my fingers.
"Hey, you can tell me anything." He said walking towards me; taking my hands and making them disappear inside his.
I took a deep breath and prepared myself. If he wanted me to tell him I would do better, I would show him. I gathered all my courage I had inside my spent body.
"Sit down at the chair Rick, I will do better than tell you, I will show it." Castle looked at me with a frown trying to understand what I had to show that would explain what happened the day before; but he sat anyway knowing that since I called him Rick, I was pretty serious.
I stood up and stayed in front of Castle, he was looking at me anxious to discover the truth. I put my hands behind my back to open my hospital gown; I took another deep breath and slowly took it off.
In the few moments that I imagined Castle seeing me naked that scenery never appeared on my thoughts.
I stood there, naked in front of him, with my arms by my side and doing my best to not put them in front of me to cover my breasts and my pussy. Castle stared at me blankly, taking all in.
"Castle, please say something." I begged him since I was starting to feel extremely nervous and self conscious of my body.
"I really don't know what to say." And continue to stare at me for a few more seconds. "Can I touch it?" He asked nervously.
"Yes." When I gave my permission, Castle stood up and came extremely close to me.
"This one is why you are here?" He asked when he passed his fingers around the new word carefully not to really touch it.
"Yes, I-I made it for Peter. As in some kind of weird present. It's strange, I know." I said the last part whispering and looking down.
"Hey Kate." He said putting my face between his big hands; I put each of my hand in his wrist, holding his hands on my face. "It's beautiful, ho-how many years you have been doing it?"
"Eighteen years. But I stopped 8 years ago. Th-this was my first one in 8 years."
"Why you started it?"
"When my mother was murdered, I got pretty lost and my dad became an alcoholic, so I was lost and alone; except for Lanie. I got pretty crazy, Castle" I said looking in his eyes. "Sex, drugs, alcohol, self harm, name something crazy and dangerous and I probably did it."
"Wow, I don't know what to say." Castle said keeping the eye contact.
"Are you disgusted? If you are, I understand." I said suddenly worried about him cutting me out of his life.
"No Kate, I am not disgusted. It is beautiful." He said sitting back at the chair and bringing me to stand in the middle of his legs, his hands traveled around my body; I couldn't remember when some guy touched me this gently in an un-sexual way. He was always careful to not touch the recent one. He passed his fingertips of one of his hands through the borders of the words, the other hand was sitting on my hip keeping me firmly at place. I didn't know for how long I stood there while he passed his fingers through my body.
"I love words, you know? I am a writer, so I am really not disgusted."He said looking at me with a silly smile. "But I am pretty worried about you Kate, as much as I think is beautiful, you can't do this to yourself. You are so beautiful, so precious." He said losing the silly smile and proceeding to kiss the words on my tummy, the ones near my breasts, and the ones near my pussy. But never trespassing the imaginary limit where he couldn't kiss my intimate parts.
Richard Castle (RCPOV)
When Kate stood in front of me and said she was going to do better than tell me, she was going to show me; I didn't understand. Show what? When her hands went to her back and she started taking of the hospital gown I was speechless, she was going to get naked? I wasn't ready to see Kate naked. When she tossed the gown off, I was still speechless.
All over her thorax had words written on it. In the middle of her tummy were the most powerful word and probably the longest of her "collection", dead inside. My heart started beating faster; I wanted to discover the meaning of all her words, discover every thought that passed through her head, I wanted to discover why would she write dead inside on herself; why someone so precious and perfect on the outside could be so broken on the inside? How could I have never seen this part of her? Of course sometimes I saw a sad smile, a sad look but I thought that was something rare, or nothing really important since is impossible to be happy all the time.
"Castle, please say something." She begged me and I realized that she was probably uncomfortable since she was naked in front of me and we were just friends.
"I really don't know what to say." I confessed to her, this was big and unexpected. The night before I just thought that she tried to kill herself with another way than slitting her writs, or maybe she cut herself trying to shave or something like that. In fact, the night before I didn't think of anything because I couldn't process the image that I saw. How could someone so strong appear that weak? "Can I touch it?" I asked nervously trying not to pass the boundaries that she created for the situation.
"Yes." She gave me her permission and I walked slowly towards her in case she changed her mind in the next few seconds.
"This one is why you are here?" I asked when I noticed that one of the words didn't appear to be healed like the others.
"Yes, I-I made it for Peter. As in some kind of weird present. It's strange, I know." She said embarrassed and looked down; my heart sank. All the time she showed to the world that she was so strong, so perfect when she was just human.
"Hey Kate." I said putting her face between my faces, she put her hands on my writs in a way that for a few seconds I didn't know if she was trying to take my hands of her face or keep them there. "It's beautiful, ho-how many years you have been doing it?"
"Eighteen years. But I stopped 8 years ago. Th-this was my first one in 8 years." She said unsure if she should or could tell me about it.
"Why you started it?" I saw myself asking.
"When my mother was murdered, I got pretty lost and my dad became an alcoholic, so I was lost and alone; except for Lanie. I got pretty crazy, Castle" She said looking at me with that intense eyes, like she was seeing my soul and showing me hers. "Sex, drugs, alcohol, self harm, name something crazy and dangerous and I probably did it." She said with an embarrassed smile.
"Wow, I don't know what to say." I said being sincere again, that was a lot to take in.
"Are you disgusted? If you are, I understand." She said worried that my fault of things to say was because I was disgusted with her body.
"No Kate, I am not disgusted. It is beautiful." I said reassuring her that what she told me didn't change my perspective about her; to be truly to you, it changed, but for the better. I sat back at the chair and brought her to stand between my legs. I passed one of my hands through her words, trying to engrave them on my mind and the other hand sitting on her hip. My eyes were on the eye-level of her breasts but at the moment I didn't feel anything sexual towards Kate. She was beautiful, I probably in another situation would be already hard; but that moment was so intense, so sad that I couldn't bring myself to see Kate more than somebody that I… loved. Yeah, somebody that I loved. I didn't dare to touch her pussy or her breasts because at that moment I wanted her to understand that I knew how to tell the difference between lust and love and separate them.
"I love words, you know? I am a writer, so I am really not disgusted." I said looking at her with a silly smile, trying to break the tension of the room. "But I am pretty worried about you Kate, as much as I think is beautiful, you can't do this to yourself. You are so beautiful, so precious." I said losing the silly smile and putting my serious face for her to understand that although I found it pretty, I really didn't want her to feel anything that would make her thing that she had to do it to herself. "I am going to help you at every step of the way so you can stay more than 8 years without doing this, okay? You aren't going to be alone." I said getting up and giving her a hug.
"Thank you Rick; thank you so much for not leaving me alone now." She whispered to my chest.
"Always Kate." I whispered kissing the top of her head and sniffing, again, her hair.
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