"Farengar, my court wizard, is looking into a matter related to dragons, in dealing with these dragons." Jarl Balgruuf said. The Dragonborn and Kharjo looked up at the sky for no reason and sighed, long, hard, and very annoyingly as if they've been through this far too many times to count. Over many different games and over many different Dragonborn characters, Kharjo has been through a hell of a lot. The good guys, the bad guys, the neutral, the purely evil, the insane, and so on. Every new game though, he loses his memory up to the point of when Balgruuf asks them to go to Bleak Falls Barrow.
I fucking hate this guy. Every fucking day it's the same fucking thing. Bleak Falls Barrow. Bleak Falls Barrow. Bleak Falls Barrow. Alright already! Geez, can you send us anywhere else! Fucking Oblivion would be a blessing right now. I'd rather go and fight Boethiah than find a fucking stone. Farengar, you're a wizard, a pompous, lazy, fucking douche, who fucks in the morning, fucks at noon, and fucks in the evening. I want to kill you. So fucking bad. At the Jarl, don't get me started with him, he's the most obnoxious Nord in Tamriel. Not only that, but about fifty other people have the same exact voice as he does, so when I walk past them, I flip them off. Maybe I'm the reason Khajitt are hated so much.
They walked into the Farengar's little room. He told them what to do and so on. All the while Kharjo looked at his wrist as if he was wearing a watch. The Dragonborn yawned in boredom. "Can we speed this up?" He said. "Yes," Kharjo said, "we have places to go and see, and apparently play fetch for you two idiotic morons." The Jarl looked at him and glared. "I can have you thrown into the Dragonsreach dungeon for that."
Kharjo smiled and walked over, "Does it look like I would give a fuck?' He said, pulling his claws out. "I'm sick and tired of you and I've wanted to kill you for a long ass time."
"Kharjo I need you to do something." The Dragonborn asked.
"What do you need?" Pause, "What is it?" Kharjo asked as always.
"Attack Jarl Balgruuf." The Dragonborn said.
"Even Khajiit have their limits, no." Kharjo retracted his claws a moment, "But in this case, I'm willing to make an exception." He pulled out his claws and stabbed Balgruuf in the throat. "That's for being a bitch." He pulled out his standard steel mace, his weapon of choice and bashed in the Jarl's head. "That's for being a whore." He placed his steel plated boot on the Jarl's torso and kicked the Jarl violently towards the wall. "And that's for repeating yourself, having no originality, and being a pretty boy." Kharjo stood normally, sheathed his mace. Kharjo and The Dragonborn then began to do an elaborate handshake and dance routine, as if they were a rap battle team. "Oh, you just served, yeah, you just served!" The Dragonborn said. Kharjo repeated the verse, "Oh you just got served, yeah, you just got served." The Dragonborn said the second verse. "With a mace to the face, you're a fucking disgrace, with a mace to the face you're a fucking disgrace." Kharjo turned towards Farengar and did some very impressive rapid delivery. "And you are the wizard who plays with his lizard and every time there is a blizzard you run and hide cause you can't stop these rhymes even if you had the power to freeze time. So just try and stop me, cause I'm telling you son, we ain't doing this shit no more, peace out, we're done." By the time Kharjo was finished, the Khajiit was doing gang signs and middle fingers to everyone in the room as he and The Dragonborn walked out, feeling like they had just won the best bragging rights ever.
"That was the worst rap I've ever heard." Farengar said.
As The Dragonborn and Kharjo walked out, they strutted, like two douchebags. Suddenly music started playing. Irileth walked out and said, "A dragon has attacked the Western Watchtower," she turned towards The Dragonborn, "you should come too." The Dragonborn nodded, Kharjo tapped Irileth's shoulder, "Pardon me, but have you ever acknowledged me before?" He asked.
"Who the fuck are you?" Irileth said.
"I," Kharjo replied, "am the one thing that's keep this loser alive. Without me this guy would be-" he stopped and looked around and noticed that The Dragonborn was gone, Kharjo rolled his eyes and started running...in place. "I fucking hate this glitch."
Irileth and The Dragonborn, along with the generic Whiterun guards, with their generic garb, their generic voices, their generic weapons, and most importantly the same ten phrases as if they had nothing better to do, walked towards the Western Watchtower.
"No signs of him now, but it sure looks like he's been here." Irileth said.
"How can you tell the gender of dragon?" The Dragonborn asked.
The dark elf looked at him, "I don't fucking know ask the Greybeards after this quest!"
The dragon appeared, arrows flew, and when it was all over, The Dragonborn absorbed his soul. He started glowing and singing the Halleluiah chorus. "Halleluiah! Halleluiah!..." Kharjo came up, panting and out of breath. "Did I miss anything?" He asked.
"Oh nothing just a dragon." The Dragonborn said. "Aw damn!" Kharjo said, "I really wanted to see that, can you please load back so that way I can help you?" The Dragonborn laughed, "Hell no, my health bar is almost gone and I-" he stopped talking. Everything started whistling The Andy Griffith theme song. "What's going on!" The Dragonborn screamed in between whistling. "Don't ask me!" Kharjo replied, "but I think it's the loading process." The two friends looked up and saw the load screen and someone scrolling up picking a save to load up again. The person moved all the way down to the beginning of the game save, the one right before you create your character right after the horrible crappy cinematic, the one that you've seen seventy times because you just had to start over to "re-experience the game" even though you end up doing the same fucking thing anyway. Yeah, that screen. The person clicked it.
"Aw you bitch!" The Dragonborn and Kharjo screamed at the sky. Kharjo sighed, just as a thief passed. The Khajitt took off his Moon Amulet. "Here," Kharjo said, holding the amulet out with his hand and hanging his head in shame and frustration. "take this for me." The thief shrugged his shoulders, "Alright." He took it and ran off. Kharjo then turned towards The Dragonborn and held out his hand, The Dragonborn fished around a bit and pulled out the five hundred septims the cat gave him. Kharjo waved goodbye once and made his way to Riften. The Dragonborn walked all the way back to Helgen, changing into rags and tying himself up and standing in the position that he was in exactly thirty minutes ago (because that's how long this person has been playing) in reality but in game time it's like two days. Bethesda has a fucked up calendar. I bet they hired a Mayan to do it, three seconds is three hours and so on until you reach twenty-four and the game pauses. In the Mayan version of this game, the world ends during every single wait, sleep, load, etc. only to come back every single time looking the same. Yes, the Mayans believed in reincarnation. Interesting history huh? Okay, now back to the humor.