Katherine Beckett (KBPOV)

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"I will make some questions and if you are not ready to answer or don't want to, you tell me. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. And like I said, I am here, I won't judge you, I want us to have a future together so… you can open yourself to me, I won't hurt you." He said putting one of his hands on my cheek, bringing my face near his and giving me a sweet kiss on the lips. "Are you ready?" He said when he finished kissing me.

"I am ready." I said giving him a small smile and feeling very anxious of what he was going to ask.

"Okay then… I gather that the man from the party is your father?"

"Yes." I said and nodded slowly.

"Can you tell me what happened? Why did you stop seeing him?"

"Well, you see, after mom died I went crazy as you know already. The first year after her death Jim drank, A LOT, so we couldn't help each other even if we wanted. After a year, he stopped drinking and a few months after he was sober he got a girlfriend. I went ballistic you know, how could he date someone so soon?" I said using the back of my hand to dry a tear that escaped my eyes. "And I said that to him, I came by his house and she was there, walking around the house as she owned everything! I screamed at him, said she was just a gold digger, dating him just to have a sugar daddy and a lot of others hurtful stuffs. It was ugly. He said that I should leave his house if I was going to talk with his girlfriend that way and just come back when I was ready to accept that although he loved mom very much, she wasn't alive anymore and he didn't want to die alone." I stopped talking and looked at my hands, suddenly found it extremely interesting.

"That was the last time you two saw each other?" He asked after I stopped talking.

"Not really, I just need a minute." I whispered.

"Hey, that's okay. Take your time, if you want to stop, its okay too." He said picking my hands between his, bringing to his lips and kissing it while looking into my eyes.

"I want to tell you, but, it's hard to tell your story to someone. When you tell your story to someone, you are opening yourself up to heartache. It's easy to disappear, to move on when the other person doesn't know you. You can always say to yourself: 'you can leave; this person doesn't even know who you really are'." I said giving him a sad smile. "It somehow gives you the chance to have a foot outside of the door. It is like your safe word when the things start getting messy, because it will get messy, our relationship, I mean. It will get messy, because human emotions are messy, so at some point everything will get messy and I won't have my safe word." I finished talking and looked at his face, he looked so confused and almost…. angry.

"Do you want to have a safe word? Because I thought that we really were in this together." He said with his voice so full of hurt that my heart ached.

"No Castle, which is what I am trying to say. I opened out myself to tell you my story, and I want you to understand what it means to me. It means that I am really, really in. And I know you already said that you are sure about this, but, never heard that the people that have been hurt are the hardest one to trust on another person?" I said with a little smile, trying to make his feel better.

"Kate, I will say again but please, understand, I love you. I am in on this."

"Okay… I was just giving you the last chance to run, in case you regretted it."

"I don't regret it." He said sounding very sure of himself.

"Since you are sure… let me finish my tale. That day, was the day which I wrote my first word. I left there, got my car and I went to the cemetery. I sat near my mother's stone, and talked to her, I talked for almost 3 hours, until it got dark. I told her all my frustrations and what Jim was doing, and I poured my heart out and for a few minutes after I finished talking I swear to you that I heard a answer, something like 'be brave Katherine, you are not alone.'. But how could my mother talk to me? I realized she wasn't here anymore. Jim was right, she was gone; whoever was that answered me, if someone really did, wasn't my mother. She was gone, really gone. After that, I went home and I started looking around my kitchen trying to find a bottle of something, anything, that would make my hurt go away and somehow a knife cut me a little bit, nothing big, nothing to worry, just a little cut on my finger and for a few seconds I forgot about my mother, about Jim, about life, and all I could feel and think about was that little cut on my finger, when the pain of the cut was gone, I realized I found my bottle of something to make the hurt go away. So, I picked the knife up and went to my bathroom. I stripped naked and thought about where was the best place to cut myself, I had read about cutting on books and saw it on a few movies, I knew that it could leave a scar but I didn't want the whole word to see the scars, I need somewhere that just me could see it, I examined myself on the mirror. After a few minutes trying to find a place I decide on my belly. I could use a swimsuit that wouldn't appear, I never really liked shirts where showed my belly, so, I had found my perfect place. They say that everything you do for the first time is harder, but, I never did something so easy. At first I thought about just making small cuts, but, I wanted my older self to know why that cuts were made; why, what was I feeling when I did they, so I came up with the idea of the words. My mother always said that they were my best friend; they would never leave me, what better way to make the words never leaves me than writing them on my body?" I stopped talking for a few seconds; I could see inside my head a younger Beckett, looking in the mirror, gazing at her body, holding a knife so strong that my fingers were white, trying to find a place to make the pain go away; at that moment when I was telling Castle the story, I could see that the moment of my first word, was the moment that I started really changing, stopping being Katie and becoming Katherine.

"Kate?" Castle called me. "Where you went just now?" He asked since I stopped talking and was looking with a lot of intensity to a point on his wall.

"Sorry, I lost myself inside my head for a few minutes. Anyway, after I chose the place, I started thinking about how I felt, thinking about the situations that happened earlier that day and the only word that came to me was: Bye. That day was my goodbye, to both of my parents; I said goodbye for them both, in one way or another." I said lifting my shirt and showing him the word bye written near my left boob. "It was pretty easy to do it, at first I was shy, and I would cut a little bit and stop and then start again, I was worried about dying from bleeding too much, I think. Four months after this, Jim came looking for me, said he was going to marry Juliana and since she wanted kids, they would have at least one more and that he wanted me to be a part of the family that they were forming. But when he appeared, I was already too broken. I had already written two more words, I got pregnant once but I aborted before I knew I was pregnant, apparently you can't drink too much and work out a lot when you are pregnant." I said with a sad smile. "And, I didn't want to be a part of a new family, I wanted the family that I had, or just Jim and me. Not him and another woman and another kids. I said some shit stuff to him, he left, a few months later I received a wedding invitation, it was his. I sent it back to him with a note saying 'thank you but I didn't want be a part of his rebound family'. And that was the last time I made any contact with him until yesterday. Not that it stopped from missing him a few times during the years. A saw them, as a family, sometimes around the city you know? It hurt like crazy, seeing them as one big happy family while the only thing I had was money. That was why I said I gave him too many words, at least 3 are for him, the older ones." I finished letting the tears that I had hold to tell the story drop.

"Wow Kate, I don't know what to say. Come here" He said opening his arms so I could rest myself on his arms. "I am so sorry that you had to go through so much." He said kissing my head. "How did you discover you were pregnant?"

"One day I woke up to find my thigh with a lot of blood. I went to the hospital, they took some blood, did some exams and discovered that I was pregnant, and the blood was me losing it."

"Did you get sad?"

"Not really, I didn't want kids anymore, I couldn't take care of me, imagine another human being! And it was for the best."

"Yeah." He said kissing my head again. "Do you want to eat, drink water or something?"

"I think I just want to lie down. This conversation was very emotional; it tired me. I just told my therapist and Lanie about it. Maybe you could bring me a glass of water?"

"Sure, give me a minute." He said getting up of the bed and running towards the kitchen. I lay on my side of the bed, tucking myself under the blanket. I didn't remember drinking my glass of water, so I can just assume that I fell asleep before Castle could came back.

I hope you guys liked the back story of Kate and Jim. I want you to understand that this is Kate's version of the story; in this case, doesn't have a bad guy. Every body was very hurt and they healed in their own way.

If you can, please review.