Kakashi prepared the box lunches for the bell test with a rather vicious grin that was well hidden behind his mask. No matter how today went down, it was going to end with Sasuke being tied to the stump, and he was going to leave him there. He roughly pushed the thought about how he'd done the same to Naruto away as he arranged the food he'd made in a somewhat aesthetically pleasing manner. He was going to do things right this time, and Naruto would live to see his fourteenth birthday and beyond.
After the test, he would be going to the tailor's to check on the status of the second surprise he'd arranged for Naruto yesterday. Amongst the things he'd recovered from his former Sensei's house after the Kyuubi attack was a tiny outfit that Kushina had been making for her baby. When he'd asked her about it once in the weeks before she and Minato-sensei died, she had told him that it was a modified version of the outfits traditionally worn by children in Whirlpool. Remembering the outfit, he had come up with the idea of having a tailor create a nearly identical copy in Naruto's current size which didn't have pants that unsnapped, since Naruto had quit wearing diapers long ago, but had hidden pockets for concealing weapons, scrolls, explosive tags, and other useful items. Since blue and orange, which were the main colors of the outfit Kushina had made, appeared to be Naruto's favorite colors, he was reasonably certain that Naruto would like the surprise, as well as the other outfits he'd ordered that were based on the surprise.
After pulling himself out of his musings over his plans for later, he finished with the boxes, and set a note on top of the cherry tomatoes in one box telling Naruto to eat them in front of Sasuke before sharing his lunch with him, should he choose to do so. Satisfied at a job well done, he picked up his alarm clock and headed out to the field where his team had undoubtedly been waiting for hours, being the somewhat conscientious students that they were. While he'd felt a twinge of guilt at making Naruto wait, it was overpowered by a vicious satisfaction at making Sasuke and his annoying fangirl do so as well.
Despite the fact that it would just add more time to his students' wait, he headed to where his students were waiting for him after briefly stopping by the memorial stone to apologize to his old team for not showing up for the last day or so. Much to his surprise, only Sasuke and Sakura were there when he arrived.
An exclamation of "Crap, I don't believe it!" alerted him to Naruto's presence a moment later. When he turned to look, he saw that the boy was racing towards the meeting point, sweating, and practically out of breath. His coat looked even puffier that usual, indicating that he was carrying something in it. Moments later, Minato-sensei's son skidded to a halt six inches away from him and, since the team was more or less together, he explained the rules of the bell test. He was briefly disturbed by Naruto's grin at this point because, the last time he saw that particular smile, Kushina had gotten him with some water balloons filled with turquoise paint, and he still didn't know how the hell she had gotten the paint into the balloons in the first place.
After giving the rules and preparing to get the test underway, he was briefly surprised when Naruto didn't attack him with a Kunai right before he called a start to the test as he had the last time. But, considering the fact that his jacket hadn't been filled with whatever it was currently filled with the last time around, he shouldn't have been. After he indicated that it was time to begin, Sasuke and Sakura ran off and hid in the same spots as they had the last time he'd had to suffer through this test, and Naruto stood in front of him refusing to hide just as he had last time. This time however, instead of attacking him right away when he pointed out that he should have hid, the boy very carefully unzipped his jacket.
"Thank god these didn't break." Naruto sighed in relief as he looked down at the contents of his jacket. "I'd planned on giving one each to Sakura and the bastard but, I arrived too late to do so. Oh well."
After that little statement, he was immediately on guard. There were very few breakable weapons that would cause that kind of reaction in someone, just about all of them could put you in the intensive care unit at the very least, and Naruto was the only Genin he knew who would be crazy enough, and oblivious enough to the possible consequences to consider using them during this test. Preparing to dodge anything from a poisonous smoke bomb to an acid bomb, he was understandably confused when Naruto pulled an orange balloon out of his jacket. The moment of hesitation caused by him trying to process the situation and determine the potential lethality of the improvised weapon that Naruto had obviously manufactured himself had been long enough to result in him being hit point blank by a balloon filled with orange paint. As he was still trying to process what he'd been hit with because it had been the last thing he'd expected, he was rapidly hit by two more balloons while he rather stupidly looked down at the large orange splotch on his vest.
Instead of pausing to laugh his ass off as he admired his handiwork as he expected the boy to do afterward, and as his mother would have done, Naruto made a dash for the bells. This move had of course been unexpected, and he barely dodged in time, and almost didn't feel the boy's other hand go into his side pouch as he was pulling away.
Noticing his side pouch was much lighter as he began to retreat to a safe distance, he made a desperate grab for the boy's arm. Somehow, in a move that was too fast for him to see with his Sharingan eye covered, he ended up with only the boy's now empty jacket. Naruto was already several feet away holding his precious, one of a kind, signed first edition copy of Icha Icha Paradise. If he hadn't known that knowledge of how to do the Hiraishin had been restricted to the Hokage's Guard after Naruto's father had died, he would have looked near the boy's feet for one of his Sensei's special summoning kunai.
"Crap, it's an old one." Naruto said, turning the purloined book over in his hands as he examined it. "And you've already read it at least twice. It looks like I'll have to get the bells the hard way since I can't threaten to give the ending away."
The boy then stood up and grinned rather evilly before he ran off at top speed towards where the traitor Uchiha was hiding. Watching Naruto run, he could see that Naruto was nearly as fast as his father. Until now, he hadn't entirely believed the stories about the boy running rings around other ANBU operatives for hours on end, and had thought that the other teams had either been slacking off or exaggerating since he'd always been able to catch the boy within the first thirty minutes of the chase. Watching the kid run, he could now see why he'd garnered so much admiration for such a feat.
Once Naruto reached the trees, he practically flew up the trunk of a rather stately oak like a squirrel and went across the small wood that surrounded the training field leaping from tree branch to tree branch on all fours. As he watched, he found that he was having a hell of a time keeping up track of the energetic boy without revealing his Sharingan which was somewhat amazing since the boy wasn't using any Chakra to boost his speed whatsoever.
"Hey Sasuke, if you want a bell, you'd better keep this away from Kakashi!" Naruto yelled as he threw his precious book into the clump of bushes where the traitorous little snake was hiding as he passed.
The Uchiha boy barely managed to catch the book. When he did, the little bastard took one look at the lurid orange cover, dropped it, and kicked it into the bushes. Big mistake, very big mistake. He'd planned on using this test as an excuse to beat the crap out of the traitorous brat but, the little bastard had just made it a dozen times worse for himself. Nobody disrespects the book, nobody.
The stupid look on the soon to be traitor's face when he saw him bearing down on him was absolutely priceless. So was the stunned shock when the Uchiha brat learned he wasn't anywhere near as strong or as talented as he believed himself to be. The boy was practically black and blue by the time the timer went off. After the timer went off, he'd tied the boy to the stump a bit more tightly than necessary. He didn't cut off the traitor's breathing or circulation, so he should be fine.
After he gave his little "You failed but, you get another chance after lunch as long as you don't feed Sasuke" speech, Naruto and Sakura did as expected and the team passed. He'd planned on passing them anyways since he wasn't going to ruin Naruto's dream by sending him back to the Academy where he would be rejected by every other Jonin sensei who only saw either the damned fox instead of the boy or his reputation for being completely incompetent when he graduated again, and because he would be in the best position to deal with the traitor if he set one toe out of line this time around. The nearly useless Sasuke fangirl was just extra baggage as far as he was concerned.
Once the Genin were finished eating, he decided to ask Naruto the two questions that had been bothering him since the test.
"Naruto?" he said, getting the boy's attention.
"What?" Naruto asked.
"How exactly did you get the paint into those balloons?" he asked.
That question had been bothering him for longer than the boy had been alive. He'd regretted not asking Kushina, because the woman had seemingly taken the secret with her to her grave.
"Funnel." Naruto replied as if the answer were so obvious that even a two year old would get it.
"Can I ask you another question?" he asked.
"Sure." Naruto said.
"What exactly did you mean about threatening to give the ending of my book away?" he asked wondering exactly how the boy had known the book's ending considering the fact that it was forbidden to minors, and the bookstores that sold it had seals to prevent said minors from purchasing copies of their own.
Naruto gazed over his shoulder, looking as if he were trying to think of an answer. His eyes suddenly widened in "shock" and he pointed to something off in the distance behind him.
"Look! It's a flying purple people eater!" Naruto yelled before turning and running away so fast that even Minato-sensei would have been left in the dust.
That was too close. Naruto thought as he ran faster than he even thought possible. As he rounded a corner on his way to one of his better hiding spots - taking the ground route as going via the rooftops would have just about every shinobi in Konoha chasing after him because he looked guilty even though such a chase would be futile for most of them - he ran right into Yamato-taicho and sent the poor man flying. The pack the man had been carrying burst open and emptied itself, scattering a couple changes of clothes and a bunch of other supplies including a couple storage scrolls across and down the street.
"Sorry Ya..uh, sorry." he said as he helped the man up, briefly upset at himself for almost slipping up and relieved that he caught himself in time. He wasn't supposed to know Yamato-taicho or Tenzo or whatever the hell he called himself just yet.
"It's okay Naruto, I know you didn't mean it. If you can help me pick my stuff up, I would appreciate it." Yamato-taicho replied.
While he didn't wonder at how Yamato-taicho had known his name as everyone in the village did, he did wonder at the fact that the man was being polite towards him instead of screaming and swearing at him for running into him. But, then again, Yamato-taicho was relatively laid back and wasn't really one for screaming at people. When he really wanted to make his displeasure with you known, he'd give you this creepy stare that made your skin crawl.
Glad that Yamato-taicho was being nice and wasn't giving him that creepy eyed stare that made his skin crawl, he raced around and started gathering the fallen items that had spilled from the man's pack. After piling the last shirt beside the bag, he started shaking the dirt off of it and folding it.
"Are you going on a trip?" he asked, curious.
"Yes, I have some business outside of the village that I need to take care of." Yamato-taicho replied.
Soon, everything was packed back into Yamato-taicho's bag, and the man was on his way. After bidding Yamato-taicho farewell, he walked off in the opposite direction pondering about his day as he made his way to the hiding spot he had originally set out for. Like yesterday, today had been rather interesting. Last night, after he had confirmed the night before that there was nothing wrong with the groceries or the new rice cooker that Kakashi had bought him and refused repayment for after the man left, he had gone back to bed guilty about being so suspicious. Kakashi had never bought him groceries during the last time around however but, the man had brought him vegetables that had looked as if they'd been swiped from someone's garden a few times so it wasn't like it would have been completely out of character for him to have done such a good deed.
That morning, since he knew Kakashi wouldn't be showing up at the training field until it was nearly eleven, he had decided to sleep in a bit. After getting up a half hour after he was supposed to show up according to the instructions he had been given, he had showered, and ate a leisurely breakfast. Feeling slightly guilty considering how nice Kakashi had been the afternoon before, he got out the funnel, the balloons, and the paint. The paint balloons had been only one of the numerous pranks he'd originally planned to set up at the training field before Kakashi arrived but, he'd nixed the rest of them because the man had been so nice to him, and almost hadn't done this one either.
He'd been rather stunned when he'd shown up at ten-thirty and Kakashi had already been present. He'd never arrived later than Kakashi before, never. When the bell test started, Sasuke and Sakura behaved exactly as they had the last time, or at least he thought they did, since he could only vaguely remember the specifics of the test. Instead of getting into a losing fight with Kakashi this time around though, he had brought out his arsenal of paint balloons. His gut had clenched in guilt when he threw the second and the third balloons before he made his attempt at the bells and came up with a backup plan based on his and Sakura's victory during the second bell test on the fly because, Kakashi-sensei had looked so stunned when the first balloon had hit him.
When Kakashi grabbed at him and caught the sleeve of his jacket after he'd grabbed the book in his weapons pouch, he'd shot out of the too large jacket that he'd picked for just that reason in a maneuver that had left one or two ANBU scratching their heads before they had caught on after he'd purchased his latest orange tracksuit. After noticing that the book he'd grabbed was one of Kakashi's well worn favorites rather than a new copy, he changed his plan on the go as he usually did.
Racing off at a speed he usually reserved for fleeing the scene of a prank, he headed to Sasuke's hiding place. He'd thought that if the two of them could play keep-away for a while and get Sakura involved, Kakashi might get frustrated enough to hand the bells over as ransom. The team would then pass because of their teamwork, which was the whole point of the exercise. Instead of cooperating, the stupid, revenge obsessed bastard had drop-kicked the book.
Knowing Kakashi and how he felt about his beloved one of a kind signed first edition volumes, much less his less expensive and more common back up copies that he brought on missions, that had been an extremely dangerous mistake. Kakashi, as expected, expressed his dislike of Sasuke's action in a manner that looked exceedingly painful for the Uchiha boy who had been on the receiving end of their sensei's ire. Sasuke had looked a bit like a raccoon when he'd finally been let up so he could be tied to the stump at lunch.
When Kakashi started interrogating him after lunch about how he could have known how Ero-Senin's book had ended, he panicked since he had tried to stay as far away from said book and its companions as he could get when he was last this age. Knowledge of such literature would have been completely out of character for him at this point in time, and could potentially raise red flags that would get him caught. That panic had led to him yelling the first stupid thing that came to mind in a pitiful attempt at distraction and running off. As he'd raced towards a place where he could hide and hopefully wait until the potential fallout from his actions during the bell test blew over, he'd ended up running into Yamato-taicho - who was setting out on what looked to be a long journey - in the middle of town.
Looking up now, he could see that he was at his preselected hiding spot, his feet having taken him here more or less automatically as he brought himself back to the present after mentally recounting his less than routine day in hopes of getting a handle on it.
Less than ten minutes after he'd hidden himself and started settling into what promised to be a long wait until Kakashi either forgot his little mistake or got distracted by something else, Pakkun showed up, and Kakashi arrived a few seconds later. He knew that this was going to be bad. If that eraser had caused Kakashi to pretty much ignore him and foist him off on Ebisu at the first opportunity during the Chunin exams, then relations were going to be downright frosty because of the paint and the fact that he'd dared touch one of the man's most precious books.
"There you are." Kakashi said, before he hopped up into the tree he was currently sitting in and sat down beside him while he was still frozen to the spot wondering how much worse things would be between him and his new Sensei this time around.
He scooted away and prepared to run. Kakashi didn't look pissed about his actions during the bell test but, he wasn't about to test that theory.
"You're not in any trouble." Kakashi said as he put his arm firmly around his shoulders, effectively preventing him from escaping. "I know you're afraid that you'll be in trouble for reading a book that's meant for adults but, I understand that you were curious. As you know, the Icha Icha series was written for a more mature audience, and there were probably many things you didn't understand. If you have any questions..."
"Questions?" he asked, wondering where the rising feeling of dread was coming from.
"Well you see, when a man and a woman, or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman for that matter love each other very much..." Kakashi began.
Oh dear God, he's giving me The Talk! he thought as he began to try and squirm out from under Kakashi's arm. No such luck. Kakashi had him in a vice-like grip. This was obviously the man's idea of revenge for his having taken the book, and he would be forced to sit through all of it.
Please don't bring out the visuals like Ero-Senin did. Please don't bring out the visuals like Ero-Senin did. he silently prayed as Kakashi began to explain the purpose of foreplay.
Edited 10-31-12