Naruto awoke feeling relatively normal after having had an odd dream where he'd been the Kyuubi, and he had been locked in a padded room and was dying of boredom. Figuring that it might have had something to do with when he appeared in front of the fox's prison some time during the night, he put it out of mind and did his best to forget it. He'd mostly tuned the fox out during his unwanted visit to the creature but, now that he thought about it, he could vaguely remember the Kyuubi saying something about a padded room.
Feeling rather more energetic than he usually did in the morning, he hopped up off the futon someone had put him on and raced downstairs.
"Morning Kakashi-Sensei." he chirped happily as he entered the kitchen where Tsunami was preparing breakfast.
"You seem surprisingly normal." Kakashi said as he poured himself a cup of coffee. "I thought it would take a week or more for that to happen but, then again, I'm not a medical professional and you're definitely not normal."
"Not all of the meds were out of my system yet when I reached what someone once called my "Squirrel on Speed" stage, and the mangy furball has had a decade of practice at maintaining the proper levels of medication in my system. It said something about some padded room being boring when it fixed everything last night." he replied, ignoring the strange stare Sakura - who had just made her way into the room - was giving him.
"I knew there was something wrong with you Naruto!" Sakura finally yelled at him. "There has to be something seriously wrong with a person who would invent a perverted sex change jutsu."
That last bit was off the wall but, it looked like she'd decided to use yesterday as an opportunity to harp on the Oiroke Jutsu yet again. Sakura had yelled at him about the jutsu after his in class demonstration during the transformation test, and she'd yelled at him about it again after she'd learned that that was how he and Sasuke had gotten into a bar, accusing him of attempting to "corrupt" her "precious" Sasuke. The Last time around, she yelled at him and hit him because he had taught it to Konohamaru, and would hit him for every time he or Konohamaru used it in front of her. Now, she was deciding to bring it up again for whatever reason.
"I didn't invent it." he said. "I found it on an old scroll that the Old Man Hokage gave me for my birthday. I did make several modifications to it including the Harem jutsu though."
"WHAT?" everyone at the table waiting for their meal who knew about the "Sexy" jutsu (which was everyone but Tazuna and family) said at once.
"Who invented it then?" Sakura asked, probably trying to catch him in a lie so she would have a "legitimate" excuse to hit him.
"Senju Tobirama. He invented it so he could get into the women's side of the onsen he visited unnoticed. According to what I've found out about him, he was something like Ero-Senin except he didn't have to pay to get laid, and wasn't rendered incapable of reproduction by a teammate that caught him spying on her during an intimate moment with her fiancee." he replied.
Kakashi spat out the coffee that he'd been drinking through his mask - something Naruto found somewhat disgusting considering the various things up to and including the blood of other ninja that could get on the mask before the coffee even touched it - and turned to look at him. Sasuke looked down at his shorts and winced, probably imagining the myriad of painful ways in which a man could be rendered sterile by an angry Kunoichi. Sakura however...
"NARUTO! DON'T TELL LIES ABOUT THE SECOND HOKAGE!" Sakura yelled as she punched him in the head.
He'd learned not to dodge too much because, if he did, it would be much worse for him the next time she managed to get him.
"I'm not lying. Let's just say that if someone wanted to take out Hashirama Senju's line they'd just have to kill Tsunade but, if they wanted to take out Tobirama's they'd have to wipe out a small to sizable chunk of Suna, Kumo, Kiri, and Iwa before going off and hunting up and down the entire damn continent. Oh, and they'd have to take me out too." he said.
"Why no-one else in Konoha?" Kakashi asked, apparently checking to see if he knew anything about the not-so-well hidden Hatake family secret.
"The First Hokage made a "Not in Konoha unless you plan to marry her" rule which he signed into law the instant he was in office to prevent certain problems with the other clans. Since Tobirama couldn't get married without like a thousand women going after his blood for doing so, and he wanted to survive with his balls intact, he pretty much kept to the rule. There were rumors of him having tried to skirt around the law by having relations with a woman who was already married but, they were declared to have been malicious after the parents of the infant in question revealed that being born with gray hair was something that popped up on the father's side of the family once every couple of generations or so and that a few of the mother's more distant relatives had been born with gray hair as well. After Tobirama made Hokage, he toned it down a bit when he was away because he didn't want another incident like the one where Uzu nearly declared war on Konoha despite the fact that they were eternal allies." he replied.
"Let me guess, you're going to say that the Second Hokage bedded the Whirlpool Daimyo's daughter and you're a descendant?" Sakura said sarcastically, clearly not believing what he was saying.
It looked like Sasuke and Yamato-taicho doubted him as well. He knew that Kakashi knew the story was true. Why wouldn't he, since the last two generations of the Hatake were actually Senju? Tazuna looked like he was trying not to laugh or something, and Tsunami was looking scandalized by the whole conversation but, wasn't sure if it was safe to interrupt a ninja. Inari was looking depressed as always.
"Close. His neice. Her daughter married into the Uzumaki clan and had Kushina who had me." he replied.
"Yeah right." Sasuke said.
"If I may ask, what's so funny?" Yamato-taicho said, turning to Tazuna who was still trying not to laugh.
"Compared to the rest of his clan, your First Hokage was a prude. Your second was rather normal for a Senju." Tazuna said before he finally started laughing.
"You're not my great-uncle are you?" he asked after thinking over what the old bridge builder had said.
Considering the fact that Tobirama had really gotten around, and had cashed in on his status as the brother of the best Head the Senju clan had seen in centuries any number of times, it was within the realm of possibility that he was related to the old drunk.
"Nah, I'm not that closely related to you. A couple centuries ago, Wave was a dumping ground for thieves and whores from Fire, Whirlpool, and Water and was still a little wild a hundred years ago when the Senju showed up to deal with a pirate problem at the behest of the local Daimyo. I'm reasonably certain they had one hell of a time while they were here, since the dominant hair color for the region went from brown to black within two generations." Tazuna said.
It was at this point that Tsunami set breakfast down at the table, putting the plates down in front of their recipients a little more firmly than was necessary. Apparently, she didn't find this to be appropriate conversation for the breakfast table, especially in front of a child. After breakfast, Kakashi, upon realizing that he was back to normal and wasn't going to suddenly run off into the woods or something, gave him and the rest of the team permission to explore. He instantly knew where he was going. He was going to get his favorite drink, one he only rarely got because people kept chasing him away from it. He never knew why everyone kept saying it was poison when they did so. Poison tasted nasty, and this stuff was sweet so there was no way that it could possibly be poison.
"You guys go on ahead, I'm going to go get something to drink." he said when he reached the place where the sweet goodness was kept.
"You're getting something to drink in a shed?" Sakura asked looking confused.
Sasuke just smirked and followed him inside as he went to get his precious. There was only one bottle here towards the back, hidden amongst some cleaning supplies and spare parts for a boat motor, and it was only three quarters of the way full but, he knew where there were others. Grabbing it with a cry of joy, he briefly hugged it to himself before he opened it and started chugging.
Remembering his manners, he stopped and offered the bottle to Sasuke. Sasuke took a swig from the bottle. His eyes then widened in shock at the flavor, before he spat it out. He should have remembered that Sasuke hated sweets. Sasuke turned the bottle in his hands around and looked at the label on the back and gaped at it for a moment before getting up and running.
"Sakura, go get Hatake-sensei!" Sasuke yelled. "Naruto just attempted suicide and tried taking me with him! Hurry! I'll keep an eye on him until you get back."
He wondered what the hell that was all about. He hadn't tried to commit suicide, and if he ever did make an attempt, he wouldn't try to take anyone other than Madara and that mangy fox with him.
"What was that all about?" he asked Sasuke when he returned.
Sasuke didn't reply, he just sat there staring at him, looking as if he'd seen a ghost or something. After about a minute, he realized that Sasuke was probably going to stay like that and decided to ignore him and finish off what little was left in the bottle that Sasuke had spilled when he had dropped it on his way out, savoring it because he didn't know when he would have another chance to get at all of the other bottles in the village thanks to Sasuke's little "Suicide alert" that would most likely cause Kakashi and Yamato-taicho to watch him much more closely. He remembered what happened the last time they had thought he was "suicidal". At least Iruka wouldn't be there not letting him out of his sight for even a second, going as far as trying to follow him into the bathroom, frantically knocking if he thought he was too silent or taking too long, and looking relieved every time he came out.
About two minutes after Sasuke's bizarre outburst, Kakashi and Yamato came bursting in. Kakashi enveloped him in a hug as he snatched the bottle out of his hands and threw it to the floor.
"Naruto, whatever's wrong, it'll be okay." he said, clutching him tighter. "I'll..."
Whatever he was going to say next was cut off by Yamato-taicho.
"Er, Sempai" Yamato-taicho said.
"What?" Kakashi snapped.
"You know, the only time I ever saw Sai show any genuine emotion before Naruto managed to get him to crack during our first mission together was when he caught sight of Naruto's dessert back at the inn. If Jiraiya hadn't told me about his little habit, I would've panicked myself." Yamato-taicho said as he held the bottle up so the label of its contents was prominently displayed.
Kakashi's almost desperate grip on him loosened a bit, and he sighed.
"Naruto..." Kakashi said.
"Yes Kakashi-Sensei?" he asked.
"How many times have you been told not to drink antifreeze?" Kakashi asked.
Sasuke and Sakura who was out of breath from running so quickly stood there staring in shock.
"Lots." he replied.
He knew the "But Ero-Senin lets me do it." excuse wouldn't fly at the moment so he bit it back.
"I'm going to have to come up with a suitable punishment for you later. Right now however, you're going to have to apologize to your teammates for scaring them." Kakashi said as he let him go.
"On a side note you two, I wouldn't recommend using Naruto as a taste tester to see if your food is safe or not. He's immune to just about every poison known to mankind. With him, sometimes a stomach ache is just a stomach ache, and other times, it's something else like Ricin or Strychnine." Kakashi said, turning to Sasuke and Sakura.
"That's one of the reasons we have such a hard time keeping him away from antifreeze. The only reason we do so really is because he doesn't seem to think it's dangerous and might offer it to someone who didn't know what it was, like his little friend Konohamaru." Kakashi continued turning back towards him, obviously trying to press some point.
"It's a miracle he hasn't done so already considering the number of other people he's offered it to. The look on Sai's face was absolutely priceless." Yamato-taicho said.
That was the second time that the man had brought up Sai, and the incident back when he'd first met him and Yamato-taicho which was odd because, that didn't happen for another three years. Either that, or there was some mission that he was forgetting for some reason that might have had to do with Danzo. He wouldn't put it past the old man to have sent him on missions back when he was at the Academy and wiped them from his memory.
"Actually, I think the Hokage might have told Konohamaru not to drink anything that Naruto offered him for that reason." Kakashi said. "That, and the fact that he accidentally poisoned the Council when he was six. Or rather Homura did when he stole Naruto's thermos when he passed him while he was on his way to the Academy. It's a pity that Danzo didn't like "kiddie" drinks."
Throughout the rest of the exchange between Kakashi-sensei and Yamato-taicho, Sasuke and Sakura stared at him in horrified shock.
After a rather nice lunch during which Kakashi-sempai scolded Naruto for worrying his teammates over something they probably hadn't noticed the last time around and wouldn't have noticed this time if he hadn't behaved so oddly yesterday, he sent the Genin out to train. Minutes after the students left, there was a knock at the door. Tsunami answered it, paling at the sight of whoever was on the other side. He immediately went to high alert at this as did Kakashi-sempai, only relaxing when Tsunami moved to the side to reveal his captain, Jiraiya, and what looked to be several heavily armed hunter nin.
"Report." his captain said, barking at Kakashi-sempai rather than him. Kakashi-sempai looked rather puzzled by this but, it was understandable considering the fact that he had forgotten to tell the man that he had sent away for more medication during their conversation last night.
"Hatake Kakashi allowed Uzumaki Naruto's medication to run out and neglected to get a refill before leaving Konoha, as a result Uzumaki went without his medication for a couple days, and there was a minor incident." he said to prevent potential embarrassment for his sempai.
"Minor incident?" his captain asked.
"Uzumaki ran off into the woods after a squirrel but, Jounin Hatake was able to retrieve him after several minutes with the aid of a tracking summon." he replied.
The team of hunter-nin who looked to be preparing for the Itachi Maneuver turned towards Kakashi-sempai, their body language spoke of reverent awe. It had been after Jiraiya had spoken of his experiences with Naruto off his meds in the timeline he had come from that he had finally learned why they would react to Naruto's capture in such a manner and read the report of the mission that had spawned the highly unusual technique that was labeled as the Itachi maneuver, and was listed as the standard capture procedure for one Uzumaki Naruto in the event of a Section Three situation.
When Naruto had first entered the Academy, the school medic who had some "Ideas" about the medicating of children was in charge of giving Naruto his medication. She didn't. Naruto had run off into the woods after some small furry animal and, for over a month, all efforts to capture him, including those made by the most experienced hunter nin, had failed. It was entirely possible that he would never have been captured if Uchiha Itachi hadn't come up with the bright - or rather so insanely stupid and incredibly off the wall it actually worked - idea of soaking his clothing and armor in instant ramen. Itachi returned half a day later carrying a surprisingly calm Naruto who kept trying to eat his shirt when he wasn't gnawing on his chest plate.
"We were able to reach town where Hatake found a local pharmacy that carried Uzumaki's medication but, at much smaller doses. Upon realizing that there wasn't enough medication to last until the end of the mission which won't be completed for at least another three weeks, I followed Genin Haruno Sakura's suggestion to send for more." he said, concluding his summary of events.
"What is Uzumaki's condition?" his captain asked looking as if he was dreading the answer.
"His behavior seems to have returned to normal. He even downed a whole bottle of antifreeze this morning." he replied relieved that the situation hadn't been worse.
Rather than looking relieved at this, his captain stiffened at his statement, and several of the hunter nin started reaching into their packs for their med-kits, preparing for a medical emergency.
"I can't believe I vouched for you." his captain said, shaking his head sadly as the hunter nin left the room, presumably in search of a Naruto they believed to be in need of serious medical attention.
Apparently, someone had failed to pass on the memo, and it was only Naruto's immediate caretakers that knew of his little habit as they tended to discover it the hard way. His captain would be calming down as soon as he saw that Naruto was fine and not in need of any help. The fact that his captain had had to vouch for him however sounded ominous.
"Vouched for me?" he asked.
"The Hokage put out an order for you to be captured and detained. The only reason there aren't hunter nins on your ass right now is because I told him that you weren't in your right mind at the time, that the statements you had made in my presence indicated that you hadn't meant Uzumaki any harm, that you would return on your own soon, and that you would come in quietly when you did." his captain said looking at him in disgust.
"I told you. I warned you and everyone else under my command. No matter what your personal feelings for Uzumaki are, he's the Hokage's pet, and..." his captain continued before Jiraiya cut him off.
"Actually he's on the list of potential successors and, if he isn't ready by the time Hiruzen-Sensei dies, he's on the successor list of one, possibly even two or more of the candidates for Godaime. He's also on Hyuuga Hiashi's rather short list of "Boys not to murder if my daughter brings them home"." Jiraiya said sounding more proud of the fact that Naruto had somehow managed to impress the Hyuuga clan leader than the fact that Naruto could potentially become the Godaime or the Rokudaime Hokage.
How Naruto had ended up on Hyuuga Hiashi's list already was a mystery he'd love to solve, considering the fact that the boy had not yet pulled the stick out of Hyuuga Neji's ass or given Hyuuga Hinata her confidence boost. Whatever the boy had done had to have been something, considering the fact he'd heard that the Head of the Hyuuga clan had given the shovel speech to the heir of one of Konoha's more important clans when the boy had made the mistake of smiling at his daughter in his presence.
If the situation wasn't so serious, he would have laughed at the expression that crossed his captain's face at Jiraiya's comment.
Zabuza felt like crying as he read the fine print of the contract Gato had shoved under his nose after he'd learned that he'd fled the scene of battle, sparing the bridge builder Tazuna in the process. If he broke the deal, he would be in the poorhouse, forced to pay the bastard Gato for the privilege of working for him. If he killed Gato right now as he was tempted to do, he'd be swimming in an ocean of debt that would have every damn debt collector on the continent out for his blood which would make him have to really run because they wouldn't be searching for him as half-assedly as the hunter-nin from back home were.
He had no choice, he would have to go back and pray that the Uzumaki was off doing whatever it was they did when they did when they weren't totally destroying their opponents in the most humiliating ways possible. He'd only escaped with his life this time because the child had been more interested in Haku's rabbit than fighting, and there was very little chance that he would be so fortunate the next time.
"And why did you run from the battle with your tail between your legs even before the fighting started?" Gato asked when he'd noticed that he'd finally slogged through all of the tedious fine print that you'd nearly need a microscope to see.
He'd tried to read it all before but, had given up after the first migraine the last time. This time however, he'd managed to push through the pain because he knew he had to. The Gato bastard had his balls in a vice and he knew it and now, he knew he knew it.
"They had an Uzumaki with them." he replied as if that explained everything because, well, it did.
"What is an Uzumaki?" Gato asked, apparently unaware of the existence of the most fearsome ninja clan in history.
"If I'm considered to be a Devil, the Uzumaki would be considered to be some sort of hell god on a level I could never reach. At least I would let a person die with a modicum of dignity. The Uzumaki never give you that chance." he answered, whimpering at the thought of being forced to go up against such a creature.
It was his fault for taking the job however.
Edited 11-3-12