Okay, so technically in my part of the world it's not Sunday anymore, but I figure it's the thought that counts! As an added bonus - this chapter is the reason for M rating ;) Enjoy!
After few bites of powdered eggs with sprayed cheese I have to agree with Cas – food here sucks! Not only does it suck, but it sucks big time. And I'm not even fussy about my food as long as there are no vegetables in it. It really is bad if I start thinking about tomatoes longingly. I suck it up anyway and eat everything I'm given. Cas sneaks out for a moment and when he's back he hands me a Snickers bar.
"Some of the guys went on the raid couple of days back. I heard it was good raid and so I made a trade." He starts eating his own tasteless eggs. "I know it must be hard – you're not used to rations and it's not like you've been eating for couple of days now."
I push it back to him. "You need it way more than I do. Your bones are sticking out."
"You didn't seem to mind…" He drawls smirking and I kick his leg under the table. He laughs loudly and I swear everybody turns to look at us. "Seriously though – take it. Food is not something I particularly enjoy, so either eat it, or I'll just give it to someone else."
"How 'bout we share?" I ask and he rolls his eyes.
"Fine, let's share."
We're just finishing up when the other me strides in. He looks at me for a moment and then curses under his breath. I can see people start looking from him to me, back and forth.
"That is not going to be good." Cas mutters under his breath. "Brace yourself."
"Okay, everybody, calm down. No reason to freak out." The other me says deceptively calmly. "There's no shape shifter, ghost or whatever else there is between us. It's complicated, but there's no danger here."
"I could make it really difficult for him now." I mutter silently so that only Cas can hear me while the future me explains asks people not to freak out. I think they've seen more than enough horrors to realize that whatever this is, is not dangerous. Plus, the dick is really convincing, when he wants to be.
"Yep." Cas' lips twitch with a ghost of the smile. "But you better don't."
I shift in my seat torn between wanting to screw with the dick wearing my face and not wanting to cause more troubles. Cas grabs my wrist under the table and holds it firmly. "Really, don't."
I look at him and I see the same mischief in his eyes, but he shakes his head minutely.
"Not for him, for the others. They're scared enough as it is." He mumbles.
"Fine. You're right." I nod and then add silently. "I'd still like to fuck with him."
"Talk about the incest." Cas deadpans and it takes all I've got not to burst out laughing. Cas tightens his grip on my wrist warningly as the fearless leader approaches.
"So you thought it was a great idea to bring him here?" He asks Cas.
"We were hungry." He says simply.
"Couldn't you have brought something for him to your cabin?"
"Nobody gets more than one ration. Your orders, fearless. Besides, how was I to know you'd show up? Since when do you even eat with the rest?"
"I'm not here to eat." He says and then pauses. He looks at Cas' eyes for a long while and then finally says. "I found it."
I feel the hand that's still holding my wrist twitch a little at that. I think he has completely forgotten it.
"When?" Cas asks.
"Tomorrow." The other me says. "We're having a meeting tonight at nine. I want you to come. Bring Mike and him." His eyes flicker towards me and back to Cas.
"Okay, we'll be there."
Few seconds later he turns around and strides away. I stare at Cas.
"What was that about?"
Cas smiles somewhat wildly at me.
"That was… No, you know what – I'll let him tell this. We're having a meeting in the evening, he'll explain. And now… Hmm, let's go, I'll show you around."
I try to press on, but Cas refuses to give me any more details. Instead he shows me the camp. He shows me how the things are organized and I have to admit, future me has a knack at organizing stuff. Everything here has its own place and purpose and it runs as a well oiled machine. I meet Chuck, who's responsible for supplies here, meet Risa, who tries to slap me before Cas explains I'm not the one she's mad at. Apparently, future me still sleeps around a lot. Risa's responsible for the weapons. Cas shows me the protective sigils that are painted all over the fence surrounding the camp. He is responsible for them and so he checks them carefully, reapplying paint on some of them. It takes us a while to go through the entire camp, meeting people, seeing how things work here, but all through this there's a strange sort of excitement radiating from Cas. He's tensed and anxious, but in a strange sort of way, like a kid who can't wait to go try a new rollercoaster ride, but is scared of it too. I try to get it out of him, but he deflects or laughs it off. Finally, we go fetch Mike before heading to the leader's cabin.
Mike's still pissed about Cas spending time with me, but he comes with us anyway. He assumes his position at Cas' hip and doesn't move an inch from him. It annoys me more than ever, but I don't let myself think about the reasons this should irritate me. When we come to other Dean's cabin, there are four other people there. I know Risa and Chuck and I've seen the other two, but I don't remember their names. Cas settles in the corner of the room, out of the way and of course Mike's right beside him. To annoy him, more than anything else, I sit on the other side of Cas, my shoulder bumping into him. He gives me a surprised look, but then grins at me and despite my insides flipping over suspiciously at the sight, I literally can't stop myself from throwing smug look at Mike, who looks like he's bitten a lemon. As an added bonus, the fearless leader also looks pissed and I learned to enjoy that very much.
"Okay, so now you're all here," the leader begins and then pulls something out of his jacket, "I finally found it."
"So that's it? That's the Colt?" Risa asks incredulously. I can see she's still pissed, but at least she's directing it at the right Dean this time.
"If anything can kill Lucifer, this is it." Future me says.
"Great. Have we got anything that can find Lucifer?" She sneers.
"Are you okay?" He asks confused and I just can't resist the urge.
"Oh… You were in Jane's cabin last night. And… Apparently, you and Risa have a… connection."
"You want to shut up?" He growls, but I glance at Cas and I can see he is shaking with silent laughter. I wink at him.
"We don't have to find Lucifer. We know where he is. The demon that we caught last week, he was one of the big guy's entourage. He knew." The leader continues.
"So the demon tells you where the Satan's gonna be and you believe him?" Risa asks.
"Trust me, he wasn't lying."
"And how do you know this exactly?" She snorts.
"Our fearless leader, I'm afraid, is all too well schooled in the art of getting to the truth." Cas says unexpectedly and I choke.
"Torture? Oh… So we're torturing again…" I stare at future me for few moments. "No, that's… That's good. Classy!"
Now Cas does laugh and the leader fixes his eyes on him.
"What?" Cas asks smirking. "I like past you."
He stares at Cas for some time before turning away and fetching a map. He spreads it on the table and points his finger at it.
"Lucifer is here. I know this building and I know the block."
"Oh, good. It's right in the middle of the hot zone." Cas frowns.
"Crawling with croats, yeah. You're saying my plan is reckless?"
"Well, are you saying we walk straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the croats and we shoot the devil?"
"Yes."
"Okay then, if you don't like reckless, how does insouciant sound? Or maybe brash is more to your liking?" Cas offers.
"Are you coming?" The future me asks simply and Cas sighs, but there's still that wild anxiety in his eyes.
"Of course. But why is he?" He nods in my direction. "I mean he's you five years ago. If something happens to him, you're gone, right?"
"He's coming."
Cas sighs again.
"Okay, well then I suppose it's time to get the grunts moving."
"Not you." He says at once and Cas sits back. "Mike, Risa, have the trucks loaded and ready to move by 6am. Don, Emma – take care of the guns. Chuck – you're in charge of patrol while we're away. Dean… I don't know, be useful."
He doesn't give Cas anything to do and I think it's just another insult. I pull him up from the chair, Mike's right behind us and we're about to leave when the dick speaks again.
"Cas." He stops and so do Mike and I. "A word."
"Mike, go help Risa." Cas says silently. "Dean, I'll find you shortly."
"You've got to be fucking kidding me..." Mike mutters in dejected kind of voice and Cas drops his gaze to the floor. He sighs then looks up again..
"Just go. Both of you."
We both get out of other Dean's cabin and Mike strides to the trucks. I think about going to help Chuck, but I'm worried about Cas. So I decide to make sure the leader is not being a dick to him. I creep back towards the cabin. The window is open, so I sit there and listen.
"You understand I'm keeping my promise, don't you?" The leader asks calmly.
"Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I was starting to think you wouldn't."
"I kept the other one too."
"I know." There's a silence then. "I was afraid you'd do it on purpose. As a last blow."
"I suppose you have more than enough reasons to think I'd do that." I recognize the sadness in my own voice. "I wouldn't though, not that."
"Thank you." He repeats and then says. "You have to think of the way to leave Mike behind."
"Why would I want to do that?"
"Because I won't let him die for this." He says simply. What the hell does that even mean? Yeah, it's dangerous, but it can't be much more dangerous than regular raids to the city. Unless… Unless they're not planning to succeed. I tense up.
"You're more than willing to go yourself."
"You know I am." He agrees.
"But not your boyfriend? Are you in love with him or something?" He asks in a snarky tone. I don't like Mike much, but this guy is beyond irritating. Cas is silent for a long while.
"You're such an idiot." He finally says in a silent, hopeless voice. "Such a complete and utter idiot."
I can hear him start walking towards the door, but then the leader stops him again.
"Wait. Don't go. I know, okay? Please, stay." He pleads and I'm surprised to hear this softness in my voice.
"What is it you want?" Cas asks tiredly.
"It's the last night, Cas. It's the end and I want you to stay."
"Are you seriously trying to pull 'the end of the world' line on me?" Cas smirks and I can't help but smile. He's awesome.
"Is it working?" He asks and I can hear a smile in his voice. I don't think I've even seen him smile.
"What are you doing, fearless? Haven't you proven your point already?" Cas asks cautiously.
"Don't. Please, don't call me that, not tonight. I just… Please, help me be him again… Help me be like him, just for tonight. Help me see past all this pain and crap and be that naïve and optimistic kid I was five years ago… Please Cas, stay with me." I can hear him take a few steps and then they're silent again. I'm about to peek, when I hear Cas ask.
"Is this real?"
"It's real. It's fucking real." He groans and then they're silent again until I swear I hear a moan. It can't be, of course, but it did sound like an honest to god moan made in my voice. My voice! I can't wait anymore so I look up and peek through the window. What I see makes me freeze entirely. I must be still high from yesterday and I must be hallucinating, because there's no way a future version of me is pinning Cas to the wall and sucking on his neck! There's no way his – mine – his hands are working their way up the ex angel's back, under his shirt. There's no way Cas is arching into the touch. There's no way future me is licking his way into Cas' mouth and there's no way they both moan into each other's mouths!
Except that's exactly what I see. Cas wraps his arms around future me neck and pulls him closer still. He latches his mouth to the hollow of my – his dammit – neck and whatever he's doing with his mouth must be amazing, because I have never seen that expression on my own face. Granted, I don't usually see myself during sex, but I've been with kinky chicks that like mirrors, I know I don't look like that. Yet this version of me is practically keening under Cas' touch. What the fucking hell is happening?! And that's when I thought things couldn't get weirder here! Apparently, I am freakin' hot for Cas…
"You're sure?" Cas asks between kisses, his voice has gone rough and gravel like. The other me tightens his hold on Cas at the sound of it and I have to admit, it does sound… appealing. Dammit!
"Yeah, I'm sure." The other me growls and he starts unbuttoning Cas' shirt. I know I should go away at that, really what am I waiting for, I've seen enough to question myself for years to come, but I'm rooted to the spot, I literally can't move. "I missed you Cas, so fucking much…"
"Don't… You don't have to say anything." Cas kisses him, but the other me pulls back, his fingers still fumbling with the buttons.
"No, Cas. I've been silent for too long." He mutters trailing the kisses down Cas' throat. "I want you. Always did. I'm not good at this crap, now more than ever, but I fucking want you."
"Please… Please don't speak, I just can't…" He begs pulling away. The other me catches him and kisses him again, sucking in his lower lip and finally unbuttoning his shirt. He slides his hands up Cas' sides, caressing his lean frame until his thumbs find his nipples and start flicking them. Cas lets out a low groan and dammit does that sound go straight to my own dick! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I've got to get away from here… Except… I don't really want to.
I watch as my future self lowers his head and sucks one of the pink and hard nubs into his mouth. Cas shudders and moans arching his back, moving into the touch. The future me grazes his nipple with his teeth and then sucks and flicks his tongue at the other one. His mouth is replaced by his fingers, still twisting and pulling gently as he trails his kisses lower. He sinks to his knees and starts unbuckling the belt. This should be my queue to get the fuck off, but instead I look at them fascinated, my own dick straining inside my pants.
The future me slides Cas' pants and boxers down and I look at the patch of black, coarse hair framing his hard cock leaking with pre-cum. Cas is almost naked now, aroused and panting, his eyes almost black as he stares at future me, who licks his lips and then slides his tongue across the underside of his cock. Cas whimpers loudly and I have to stop myself from moaning.
"Dean…" He sighs his – my – his name and it's so much like a prayer that I can't stop myself from shuddering. The other me mouths at the tip of his cock and starts sucking greedily, his fingers digging into Cas' hipbones. It's surreal to watch myself suck other man's dick and enjoy it so much! I mean I've never even kissed a guy before and here he is, wearing my face and sucking Cas' brain out through his dick! Cas' of all people! Oh, but the noises ex-angel makes should be made illegal. Seriously, he's thrashing and moaning under future me ministrations, and I can't concentrate anymore. Dammit, how have I never noticed just how fucking hot Cas is?
Future me hums around Cas' dick as if it's the best fucking thing to have in your mouth and I can see Cas coming apart. His hands are tugging at other Dean's hair, directing him as he fucks his mouth carefully, but oh so deliberately. I can see Cas I know in him now – his single minded purpose, his will for completion. The other me hollows his cheeks and I can see he's sucking as hard as he can, letting Cas go deeper with each thrust.
"Dean, Dean, Dean…" He moans and then twitches his hips uncontrollably couple of times and he's coming hard. The other me doesn't release him, instead he strokes him through his orgasm, sucking gently, cleaning him off. When he finally releases Cas, he slumps to his knees beside future me and pulls him into his arms.
"It's the end Dean?" He asks silently, still panting. He kisses him slowly and thoroughly. "There's no going back, right?"
"Yeah, it's the end."
"Okay, okay. It's the end. I fucking missed you, Dean. I missed you and I love you and it's the end so it can't matter much." He's muttering feverishly between the kisses, but in the silence of the night I can hear them perfectly. "I love you, I always did and it doesn't matter."
"Hey, it matters." The other me brushes Cas' hair out of his eyes. "It fucking matters, okay? It doesn't change things, but it matters."
"No it doesn't, but it's okay, because I love you anyway." Cas shifts and he's leading future me to the bed. "It's the end, at last! Finally, it doesn't matter. We're finally checking out."
He pushes the future Dean down to the bed, crawls beside him and starts undressing him slowly.
"Hey, look at me." The leader says. "It's the end and I finally get to say this. You were always it for me. I've never felt this… Not with anyone. It was always you and it fucking matters. I'm so sorry…"
"Oh, no, no, no! Don't you go there. It's the end – we don't have time for that. I have forgiven you for everything. These are just words and they matter even less. It's the end and I don't want to waste time on apologies when I love you so and when you're finally back."
"Cas…" He all but moans and for the first time since coming here I think that Cas hasn't really changed that much. He's still the guy who'd die for me – him in a heartbeat. He's still the one, who's seen me at my worst and chose to save me and help me and be my friend. The other me croaks. "It matters to me. It always did, even when I was too much of a dick to accept this. Dammit Cas… You have no idea how fucking jealous I've been all this time, how much I've wanted to take you back and not to let go. First Mike and now this idealistic kid who comes here and the first thing he does is latch himself to you! But… I just couldn't Cas. I fucking couldn't."
"I know, Dean. You don't have to explain yourself to me – I understand."
I silently take few steps back. I can't listen to this anymore. It's not about sex or being hot for each other. What they are talking about is love and forgiveness and redemption and it's too… personal, too intimate to listen to. So I just walk away while I still can.