Hi Guys! Sorry I missed the update last Sunday, but with all the preparations for Christmas I couldn't spare a minute for the story... I will likely miss next Sunday too, sorry for that. But I do hope you had nice holidays and hope you enjoy this as well :)
By the way - the amazing Mistofstars just made a beautiful banner for this story! That girl is awesome - thank you hun! :)
L.
I wake up with Cas' hand on my shoulder shaking me gently. I open my eyes and see it's dawn already. I look around and I can see he hasn't slept here.
"It's time, Dean." He mutters silently. "Get dressed, we're leaving in five."
I look at him and my traitorous mind can help noticing he hasn't slept much, if at all. I notice bruises and bites on his neck and I can't help thinking what is it like to be the one biting and sucking at his flesh. I shake my head to clear my mind.
"Yeah, okay. You good?"
"Yeah." He nods with a soft smile. "Let's go kill the devil. By the way, Mike's not coming, he's been given patrol duty today."
"I'm sure he was thrilled to hear that." I grin. So he got his way in the end. I suppose I should've known, I'd agree to that in future me place.
"Yeah, he shouted a lot." Cas smiles. "You know, I think you would've really liked Mike if you got to know him. He's a lot like you when it comes to family – stubbornly infuriating and overprotective."
"Geez, thanks!" I groan and he laughs.
"Okay, get up or you'll end up getting your ass kicked by yourself."
"Yeah, right! I bet I can kick his ass – he's an older guy now."
"I've taught him how to fight as an angel. There's no way you stand a chance against him."
"Seriously Cas? What's with the compliments today?"
"Sorry." He chuckles. He's in a great mood after getting laid – he's human after all!
I drag my ass out of bed and get dressed while Cas scribbles something in a notepad. He puts it in the drawer, but leaves it slightly open. I think it's a note for Mike to find after we have left. What the hell are they planning and why does it look more like a suicide mission with every passing minute? They both said it was the end yesterday – are they serious? Is there no hope then?
"Cas?" I ask. "You think we'll live through this?"
"You certainly will." He nods.
"And you? And other me?"
"Well… If Lucifer can be killed with a Colt, then maybe… But… Even so, he will have to kill Sam and I don't know if he can… I wish he didn't have to, but it has to be him, he won't have it any other way. I offered to do it, but he won't even listen to me, so… Yeah, there's a chance, but it's not a good chance."
"Okay." At least he's honest with me. It is a suicide mission after all.
"Let's go, Dean. Let's finish your holidays with a bang!" He chuckles again and we head out.
When we reach the trucks everyone is already there.
"Did you get enough of your beauty sleep?" The leader growls at me and I flip him a bird. Apparently, getting laid doesn't improve my mood that much. Or maybe it does, because the look he shoots Cas is soft and warm. It only lasts for a second though. He looks back at me sourly. "You and Cas take the truck in the middle. Risa, Don with me in the front and Emma and Mark take the rear."
We all scatter, but before Cas gets into the truck, I see Mike striding to him. Dammit, the least we need right now is the scene. I think my future incarnation has the same idea, because he stops mid step and frowns murder.
It appears we were wrong – Mike's not there for a scene. He pulls Cas into a hug and is whispering something silently into his ear. Cas hugs him back and is saying something to him, quickly, heatedly. Finally, they both let go of each other and Mike rests his forehead against Cas'. Few seconds later Cas pulls back, smiles at him and kisses his cheek. Finally, he climbs into the truck and both I and future me follow.
"Seriously, man," I tell Cas as he starts the truck, "that guy is in love with you."
"No, he isn't." Cas shakes his head sadly. "That guy is more of a brother to me than my real brothers ever were. He's like… He reminds me of Balthazar – my closest brother. You haven't met him of course, you wouldn't know. But Balt… He was the one who always fought by my side. He was the one who spoke for me after I was sent back to heaven to be reminded where my loyalties should lie. And he was the one who came for me before the angels left. He was always trying to protect me, but you can't protect someone from himself. Balt didn't know that and Mike doesn't either."
"No offense, Cas, but from where I'm standing, he's simply in love." I repeat and Cas rolls his eyes. We drive out of the camp territory. "Cas, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"So you and him, right?" I mumble uncomfortably. I have to know.
"Dean, I'm serious – Mike and I are not together that way." He says exasperated.
"No, I don't mean Mike." I shake my head. "I saw you yesterday. You know, you and future me…"
Cas freezes for a second and then sighs.
"Dammit, you weren't supposed to know that." He mutters.
"Yeah, well, believe me I was shocked too! I mean I was worried he was being an ass to you so I went back and… What the hell, man?"
"What do you want me to say, Dean?" He looks at me tiredly. "It's probably nothing you think it is. He and I… We haven't been together in a long time."
"Yeah, okay, but how did you even… I mean, I don't even swing that way!"
Cas laughs at that and in retrospect, it is funny.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but you really do."
"I've never…"
"I know. You told me that… If it's any consolation, before you I've never slept with the guy too."
"Oh my freakin'… Just tell me how did this even happen…" I ask. I mean seriously, how is this even possible? And most of all – why haven't I known about this before? I mean I'm no teenager anymore! Don't you get those urges then? I sure as hell didn't! Yeah, okay, I might have thought some dudes were hot, but it's not like I ever did anything about that…
"It… Okay, it's not like it happened suddenly or anything. After I fell you and I went to Bobby's. He wasn't too happy about that at first, but eventually we found a way of living together without getting on each other's nerves too much. You and I kept going on hunts, but nothing too dangerous at first and all the while you were trying to teach me all I needed to know to function as a human. I was a grumpy little bastard most of the time, or at least that's what Bobby used to say, but he was teaching me stuff too. It took me months – learning how to shoot, how to shave, how to drive, how to recognize hunger and thirst, how to duck when someone tries to hit me, how to sleep through the night without nightmares waking me up… And all through that you were there – showing me, teaching me, repeating again and again that it will get better, that I'll learn to enjoy this new life. We were together all the time – I was your substitute for Sam, someone to take care of and you… Well you were my tie to life. It was so natural in the end… I think it was a year after I had fallen that we went on a particularly hard hunt – nest of the vampires. We both nearly got killed and… I don't know, maybe it was a hype of the hunt that pushed you or maybe it was just the right timing since we've been on the precipice of it for a long time by then. Anyway, after we killed the last one of those vampires, you kissed me."
"I kissed you?!" I stammer. I was sure he made the first move.
"Well you can hardly think I did." He chuckles. "Come on, Dean! I was an angel for millennia – I had no idea what it was that I felt. Yet when you did kiss me, all I could think of was – hey, that's what's been missing!"
"It's a Twilight Zone kind of thing man…"
He chuckles. "Yeah, I imagine it's hard for you to process that. Anyway, that kiss didn't really change things – we still came back to Bobby's after every hunt, we still looked for the way to stop Lucifer and you still were my friend. The only thing that changed was that I moved into your room at Bobby's and we drove him crazy with the noises coming out of that room at night."
"Oh my freakin'… With Bobby there?! Really?!"
"We lived there, where else do you think we were supposed to have sex if not in our bed?"
"I don't want to think about it." I groan and close my eyes.
"Yeah, okay. Well, that's about it anyway. I pretty much told you what happened after."
"Except you forgot to mention that we were fucking each other in the process!"
"Well… Not exactly. After Sam said yes… Whatever it was the other you felt for me changed." He says in a tight voice and I understand it's painful for him. "When he snapped out of the stupor, he said it was a mistake and he didn't want this to continue. He pretty much stopped talking to me after that. I moved back to my room for a while and then he decided to move to the camp. I went with him, still hoping he'd come back to me, but… Well, he did come to me from time to time, after particularly bad raid or after losing someone or when he was drunk… And I thought, well, as long as he still needs me, maybe we have a chance and, you know… But then he started going through camp's women, sleeping in different cabin every night and I just couldn't stand it anymore. So I went back to Bobby's. We lived together for a few months, but then he came for me. He said I owed my life to him and he needed me there and just like that I had hopes again. I asked Bobby to come with us, because I just couldn't stand the loneliness of the camp and I knew I can't expect Dean to miraculously be with me and Bobby… He tried to convince me to let him go, not to go with him. He'd seen how bad it was for me, but I just couldn't… Not yet anyway. So he agreed to come with us.
We lived in Chitaqua for over a year and it was getting worse with every loss, with every outbreak of the croatoan. I saw he hated me, I saw he blamed me for losing Sam, for fighting a losing the battle, for angels leaving, for human losses… He yelled at me and insulted me and pushed me away in all and every way and yet… Sometimes, he'd come to me at night and tell me he needed me there and I would stay.
In the mean time I found Mike, made friends with couple of people and we all formed a tight team, together with Bobby of course. Bobby… He tried to convince me leave the camp from day one… The shouting matches he'd got into with Dean whenever he was an ass to me… And I was always defending him, can you imagine? It pissed Bobby and Mike off more than anything else.
Finally, one night after he came to me again I told Dean that I could no longer do this, that I loved him and I needed him to come back to me. He just laughed and said I was an idiot to think he'd ever loved me. He left then and he stopped coming to me. A month later I asked Bobby if I could live in his old house and we all left. You should've seen the relief on Mike's and Bobby's faces when I told them I was done with the whole thing. They literally offered to throw me a party – called it 'coming back to sanity' party. That first night we all got hammered and after that we tried to build a new life for ourselves. And for few months, despite of me wanting to go back to him all the time, we were actually quite happy."
"You know Cas, back home I was sometimes wondering why you put up with the crap I'm pulling, but really… Your threshold of putting up with my crap is somewhere in stratosphere, isn't it? Why the hell did you put up with him? He was an asshole to you!"
Cas smiles at me sadly.
"Because despite of it all I knew that behind that front and behind all that crap there's… you."
"Your faith in me and in that dick is bordering insanity, man!"
"I was right though, wasn't I? You've seen him yesterday. Now, that he doesn't have to be a fearless leader anymore, he's back and even though he doesn't have it in him to say the words, I know he fucking loves me just as much as I love him." And dammit, I can see he's happy!
"Yeah, alright, I suppose he does love you, but that doesn't make you any less insane, dude!" I growl and he laughs.
"Of course not! Come on, Dean – it's the end of the world and I've been broken and I have fallen in all the ways possible, of course I'm insane!" Cas chuckles and I can't help but think how human this Cas really is and yet how similar he is to Castiel I know.
"It's so fucked up…"
"Yeah, it is. But it doesn't have to be in your world. It's too late for this version of us – we're dying today, but you can still change it in your world."
"You think?" I ask him a bit sarcastically. I think this gloom is finally getting to me.
"I know that. All you have to do is save Sam. When Zachariah takes you back, find Sam, talk to him, tell him about the world you've seen here and take care of him. Don't let him say yes and don't say yes yourself. You two are strong together, you'll pull through and most importantly, you won't lose yourself ever again."
"And what about you?"
"You mean your version of me? Leave him out of it."
"What do you mean?" I ask startled. There's fierceness in his face now.
"I mean… Look, if you hadn't found out about this version of us, I think you'd never repeat this in your time. If you had Sam by your side, you'd definitely not have time to take care of me. That means there would be no way of us falling in love there. Now you know… And I just don't know how that can change things. So I'm telling you – don't get involved with that Castiel."
"Um… Not that I'm planning to, but… Why?"
"Because it was never meant to be. It was a mistake, I should have never fallen in love."
"You regret it…"
"No, I don't. I don't regret anything – he made me very happy once. But that doesn't matter. Angels are not supposed to fall in love – we suck at it. And you have enough on your plate without helpless load of ex-angel on your hands. Besides, if you pull through the Apocalypse, if you stop it, you'll have a chance at a normal life – family, wife, kids. I've seen you with kids – you really ought to have one of your own, to live a normal human life. So just please – don't let him be around, focus on Sam and the apocalypse and push him away. He will help you anyway, you won't lose that."
"Cas, you realize you're asking me to become that dick to you?"
"No, I'm not. I'm asking you not to let the other me stand in your way. I'm asking you not to hurt him when you finally realize that he is in your way and that he's definitely not what you need. I'm asking you to save him from this pain."
"But you said… You said he loves you."
"Yes, he does love me and he does want me. But Dean… You must know this better than I do, that Dean Winchester does not operate on want, much less love. It took me ages, but I finally realized – he operates on duty and obligation. It's wired in him, bone deep. It doesn't matter what he loves or wants; that's just not important. He believes, as do you for that matter, it's not a recent development anyway, that he doesn't deserve to be saved. Or loved. And by extension he believes I don't deserve that either, because I'm an idiot who actually loves him.
It's the end of his life and finally last night he allowed himself to have something he wants – how could I have denied him that, even if I wanted to? I mean, do you see how messed up it is? This is why I always let him come back – I can't push him away, because he's doing that himself. So I always let him come to me… But… That's not how I operate. I disobeyed for him, I fell for him, I rejected my duties and obligations for him and I stayed with him. It was not I in the end who is obedient little soldier, who's daddy's hammer, you see? It's so simple when you think of it… There is no way, no way at all, Dean could have been mine. And it's not about choices or mistakes we made, there's just no possible way for Dean and me to be together, because as long as there's duty, Dean will always choose it over me and there can't be world without duty, can there? If not Sam, then humanity. If not humanity, then revenge. There will always be something that is more important than what he wants and he will always choose it. So please, Dean, don't let Castiel you know fall in love with you. I don't want any version of me to have to go through this, so please don't let him be close to you. It's still early, isn't it? You come from the time just after the whorehouse incident, right?"
I nod. There are no words I can think of now.
"Okay, so then it's not too late, I think. He doesn't yet know he's falling for you and I see no reason he should find out. I remember being very naïve back then. Push him away, don't let him stay around and it'll be good."
"It just sucks, man!" I finally mutter.
"It doesn't have to. It's going to be alright, Dean. I know Zachariah brought you here to make a point – to show you that you have to say yes to Michael. But, Dean… Zachariah is an idiot and he hasn't got a speck of imagination. If he did – he'd have never sent you here, because when you think of it – there's no way in hell I'd ever tell you to say yes and he should've thought about that. So… You've learnt a lot of what happened here, have it in mind and… you know, save the world." He laughs.
"Yeah, you make it sound real easy…"
"It's not easy and of course it's going to be difficult for you and Sam, but you two can pull through. The one, who started it, must end it. That's you Dean, so end it, but end it on your terms and don't let my brothers be dicks to you."
"I have no idea what I'm doing, you know that, right?" I ask a bit desperately and he grins at me.
"So make it up as you go. You're awesome at that!"
"You know what – this pep talk is making me uncomfortable." I groan and he laughs.
"Hard to be inspired by a dead man?"
"You might pull through, you know…" The idea of him dying, whatever version Cas is, makes me sick.
"Yeah, I might." He agrees, but I can see he's just saying that to make me feel better.
"What was the promise he made you?" I ask and he looks at me questioningly. "You know, yesterday, he said it was him keeping the promise."
"Oh… He promised he wouldn't leave me alone in this life. He promised to take me with him when he decides to check out."
"So it is a suicide?"
"In a way. Even if he succeeds to kill the devil, he's killing Sam too and that's as good as suicide to him. And if he fails – Lucifer will kill him. So either way, after tonight, he's dead."
"And you?"
"I think he's hoping I'll get through this. That's why he wanted to take Mike and that's why there are so many of us here. But if he dies, I die."
"You two are fucked up, dude."
"Tell me about it." He agrees with a smirk.
"So it is the end then." I sigh.
"Look, Dean… You're nice and all and I do like this past version of you, but I'm really into older you, so if you're trying to pull 'end of the world' line on me, it's not gonna work…" He deadpans and I gape at him for few full seconds before I realize he's messing with me. He starts laughing loudly and I want to scowl and bitch about him being an ass, but I just laugh with him. We come to a stop then and we're still laughing as we get out of the truck.
"You should've seen your face!" He gasps laughing and dammit I just can't stop, especially not when the future me shoots me an evil eye. I laugh so hard I have to hold onto the truck not to double over. I think that's all that tension that's getting to me, because even I can hear a bit of hysterics in the sound of my laughter. Cas rounds the truck and puts a steadying hand on my shoulder. He's still grinning brightly and I suddenly realize just how freakin' blue his eyes are in the morning sun. Oh shit…
The future me comes over then.
"We're on a mission to kill the devil; will you two pull yourself together?" He hisses at me, but the look he shoots Cas is still warm and there's a shadow of a smile on his lips.
"Sorry." Cas mutters with a smile. "Past you was being unintentionally funny."
"Me?" I ask incredulously.
"Well I wasn't the one trying to pull 'end of the world' line on you…" He drawls and I just can't help but laugh again, especially when I see the leader narrow his eyes at me.
"Go help Risa with the guns." He barks at me and as I walk away I still notice him pressing Cas against the truck and kissing him. Apparently, not only am I hot for him, I'm also jealous. With me… go figure!
When they come over to the rest of us five minutes later, Cas' hair is messier than ever and their lips are red and swollen. As the future me snaps back into the leader mode and starts barking orders, I idly wonder what do Cas' lips taste like and what does it take to make his bottom lip become so plump and… I shake my head. Dammit, what the hell is wrong with me?! I concentrate on future me instead. We are to divide – Cas will lead the entire group save me and future me towards the back door, while we go round and try getting in through the garden and shooting Lucifer.
I see the looks future me and Cas exchange and I realize why it all feels like a lie – Cas will be leading a decoy party, they are the sacrifice. The thought makes my stomach clench and I feel sick, but the look of wild excitement on Cas' face sets me to rest – they have both made their choices, there's nothing I can do for them here. I will do all it takes for the history not to repeat itself though – there's no way I'm letting this happen in my time.
We all get our guns and get into positions. Cas and future me looks at each other one last time and I see pain mirrored in both of their eyes. They smile at each other though, then nod and go to the opposite directions. I stare at Cas' back for a second longer and then follow future me towards the garden.