He can't seem to work. He sees the numbers on the page, but it all becomes a blur as he imagines her face, her swaying form walking into the open arms of this Mr. Tavish. The image haunts him every time he closes his eyes. He should be hoping the man loves her, cherishes her, treats her like the lady she is, is willing to give her everything he wishes he could. He should not be sitting at his desk fantasizing all the ways he could kill the man. How he could commit the murder with his bare hands and hide the body in Downton's woods. He shakes his head, trying to rid his mind of the wayward thoughts. He pulls out his stationary and begins to write to her. If this is true, if she is walking out with the man, he needs to send her some kind of assurance that he is thinking of her. That he is spending every day in her absence longing to see her face again. To hear her soft Scottish lilt caress his ears. To look into the deep blue pools of her eyes and lose himself in her. He loves her, he needs her. He is determined to do whatever it takes to keep her with him.

My Dearest Elsie,

Our time in London is nearing it's end and I am most relieved. I wish nothing more than returning to Downton and my normal life, with you. Though I do not say it as often as I should, I appreciate your care and all you do for the house, myself, and everyone in it. You are a truly amazing woman, Elsie Hughes. In all my life, I have never met someone as kind and lovely as you. I miss you more with every passing day. When I heard of your walking out with the new estate manager, Mr. Tavish, I certainly felt as if my heart had sunk. I'd never known such an incredible, all consuming fear. Please tell me this is not true. Please tell me that you have not abandoned me. I see no future for myself if you are not in it. When I imagine my life, it is always with you at my side. Please be waiting for me, my love. My heart is, and always has been, yours.

All my love,
Charles

No, no, no.. Ridiculous, old fool! How could you even write the words! He picks up the paper, folds it, and sets it to the side. Too intimate, too out of character. He's trying desperately to find the words to keep her at Downton, to keep her his. He tries again...

Dear Mrs. Hughes,

I hope this letter finds you well. I am happy to say our season is drawing to close and we shall be home soon. I hope to find everything as it should be upon our arrival. I have no doubt you've kept the house running very smoothly in my absence and I look forward to seeing you and discussing new events in our lives. How I look forward to our nightly chats and glass of wine. I do have something very important I wish to discuss with you once we are all settled in. I have missed home greatly this season.

Sincerely,
C. Carson

He sighed as he read the letter again. "That's the best you can do old chap? Pathetic!" He thought to himself. He hopes she can read between the lines. That she will know what he means when he writes he misses home greatly. For it is her he misses greatly, she is his home. She has always been his safe place, his rock, the one person in the world he could be his true self around. Well, as true as he could be without hurting them both. How many times has she given him a look that silently begs for more. And each time he turned away, closed himself off. And for what, for a this family he serves? He has loved and respected the family nearly his whole life. Has given everything to them. Has kept nothing for himself. He is becoming old, lonely, bitter, full of regrets, and most disturbingly..resentful. He doesn't want to hold onto these feelings anymore. He knows his only hope at happiness is being honest with himself and with her. He folds the paper neatly and places it on his desk. Letting his mind wander for a moment, he pauses before picking up the letter and placing it in the envelope. With a seal and stamp, it is ready to go.

...

Elsie sits at her desk and pulls the letter from Charles out of her pocket. She runs her fingers along the name addressed on front. Mrs. Elsie Hughes. Seeing her first name written in his script always causes her to smile. Such a simple, innocent gesture. But so very touching to her. She hopes one day she will open the letter and find the name Elsie written lovingly across the top. She knows it will never happen, but still it does not keep her from hoping. She holds onto this hope, even as another tries to win her heart. She slides open the envelope and pulls the letter from its sleeve. Opening it carefully, she gasps as she sees the first line...

My Dearest Elsie,

Our time in London is nearing it's end and I am most relieved. I wish nothing more than returning to Downton, and my normal life with you. Though I do not say it as often as I should, I appreciate your care and all you do for the house, myself, and everyone in it. You are a truly amazing woman, Elsie Hughes. In all my life, I have never met someone as kind and lovely as you. I miss you more with every passing day. When I heard of your walking out with the new estate manager, Mr. Tavish, I certainly felt as if my heart had sunk. I'd never known such an incredible, all consuming fear. Please tell me this is not true. Please tell me that you have not abandoned me. I see no future for myself if you are not in it. When I imagine my life, it is always with you at my side. Please be waiting for me, my love. My heart is, and always has been, yours.

All my love,
Charles

Tears were pouring down her face. She looked around her room as her emotions consumed her. What was she to do? What would she say? She did not have time to write to Charles. He would be home before her letter would even reach him. Yet, she could not just sit here knowing what she now knew and not be able to talk to him. Should she call the house in London? What would he say to her? Would he confess over the phone as he did in her letter? She looked back to the letter, reading it again. Maybe her mind was playing tricks on her. Maybe this was a cruel joke. But no, it was his hand, his determined and perfect scroll gliding across the page as he confessed his love. She is slightly irritated that after all these years, he writes it in a letter. He could have waited and told her when he was home. Looked into her eyes as he spoke the words. Held her... Kissed her. She touched her fingers to her lips imaging what it would feel like to have Charles' against her own. Her chest rose and fell heavily as she imagined his kiss, his touch, his arms wrapping around her body. Why confess now? Why so suddenly? Did he really think she would be throwing him over for another man? That the minute he takes off for the season, she forgets about him. Did he think her so easily swayed by the attentions from another? It's true she never thought Charles would ever confess his feelings for her. Would never admit to such an improper breech of propriety and standards by allowing a intimate relationship between the two, but still, he should know in his heart she would stay with him always. Would have stayed with him forever. Even if only friends. She's glad now she has this time before she sees him. She needs to sort through these feelings before she faces Charles again...

Thank you all so much for your reviews. They really do keep me going :) xoxo