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Chapter 13: Up the Irons

By Japanese Teeth

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
-Gilbert K. Chesterton

"Just how did we get to the Magic World?" Purin peered out of the bush in which she and her sisters hid as they watched their intended kidnapping victim.

"It happened off screen, so we don't need to explain it," Ameko answered. "Although I'm not entirely sure why this girl is our target..." The girl in question was the catgirl waitress at one of the many cafes in Ostia. "She's just a background character..."

"It's the underlying concept behind her that's important!" Suramui shoved her way between her sisters. "Take a look at her. She practically embodies the fanservice that's truly at the heart of this manga! Catgirl, corset, showgirl skirt, thighhigh stockings, a collar...a true fetish checklist! If we can kidnap her, the very personification of this series, we will be capable of kidnapping anyone! Ahahaha!" She cackled as she shook her fists in the air.

"Should I tell her that Negima turns into an action series?" Purin asked.

"Nah, let her have her moment." Ameko closed the gap in the front of the bush so that passersby couldn't see the source of the tiny laugh. "Besides, we need all the kidnapping experience we can get."

"Why do we have to use my laptop to do the diagnostic?" Chisame grumbled as Hakase shoved another cable into Amalthea's ear. "Don't you have computers for this?"

"Yes, but this is far more efficient." Hakase didn't even bother to look up. "As Amalthea is a synthesis of magic energy and technology, your computer's integration to magical energy via your artifact makes the entire process run much more economically."

"I see..." Chisame didn't really understand why that made much of a difference as her artifact wasn't currently connected, but whatever. Playing dress up had been so much more fun. "What exactly are you trying to accomplish here."

"I'm trying to upgrade Amalthea's ability to speak. Chachamaru was created at an adult level of intelligence, so her capacity for speech upon initial activation was much higher. As Amalthea's initial intelligence level is inferior, I hope to expedite the process by placing pre-fabricated vocalizations in her-"

"Okay, I get it. You're trying to make it easier for her to talk." Chisame rolled her eyes. Why Hakase had dragged her out to Eva's house for this, she would never understand. "I'm going to go get lunch." She strode out of Eva's cabin, hoping that she wouldn't return to a disaster area.

"What the hell is going on in there?" Eva thrust a finger at the door to her cottage. Even though Chisame was outside, she could hear a loud voice. It was certainly comparable to the babyish murmurs that Amalthea had been emitting ever since her creation. It was possibly even the same voice. And it was singing something that really did not fit Amalthea, or at least what little everyone understood of her.

"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS? THE PROPHET STARED AT HIS CRYSTAL BALL!"

"I don't know." Chisame groaned. "Hakase was doing some sort maintenance on her. I have no idea why that happened."

"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS? THERE'S NO VISION HERE AT ALL!"

"Apologies..." The singing swelled in volume as Hakase emerged from cottage. "I had forgotten the speech files that I was going to install, so I installed some mp3 files that I found on your Chisame's hard drive..."

"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS? THE PROPHET LOOKED AT ME AND LAUGHED AT ME! HE SAID-"

"Why on earth did you think that was a good idea?" Chisame put a hand to her forehead.

"CAN I PLAY WITH MADNESS? HE SAID YOU'RE BLIND, TOO BLIND TO SEE!"

"But there's good news!" Hakase grinned.

"HEAR THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER!"

"I swear, if you switched to Geico, I'm going to punch you." Chisame growled.

"SEE HIS EYE AS HE STOPS ONE OF THREE!"

"No, it's just that the vocalization program is working successfully. She's reproducing the voices contained in the sound files. The bad news is that she isn't comprehending the inherent meaning in the words that she's pronouncing; she's just selecting them at random."

"MESMERIZES ONE OF THE WEDDING GUESTS!"

"I never would have noticed that..." Evangeline rolled her eyes. "So how do we make her shut up?"

"STAY HERE AND LISTEN TO THE NIGHTMARES OF THE SEA!"

"Um...about that..." Hakase looked down as she began twiddling her thumbs. "I haven't quite figured out how to remove the sound files without removing the speech capacity entirely. Until I can do that, I'm afraid she'll keep singing."

"AND THE MUSIC PLAYS ON AS THE BRIDE PASSES BY!"

"Fine, just hurry it up." Evangeline sighed. "I can't put up with this for much longer." She glanced contemplatively into the sky. "Although I suppose it could be worse..."

"CAUGHT BY THE SPELL AND THE MARINER TELLS HIS TALE!"

"How?" Chisame glanced at Hakase as she re-entered the cottage. Evangeline took a calm sip of her tea.

"She could be rapping."

"Well, that was a disaster!" Suramui grumbled as she dragged herself along the sidewalk. "I can't believe you two screwed that up so badly."

"It's not like we knew that she was a special agent for the Megalomesembrian government..." Ameko mumbled.

"Perhaps if you had done some more reconnaissance, things would note have gone so badly," Purin added. "Had we known what we were getting into we might have been more successful. Perhaps we could make a second attempt..."

"Screw that." Suramui adjusted the comically oversized bandage that was wrapped around her head. " Let's go after Chamo. He's a butt monkey anyway. Nobody'll care if we kidnap him."

"Sounds like a plan." Ameko nodded. Purin just sighed.

.

Anybody who recognizes the songs that Amalthea is singing gets a thousand points.