Chapter 14: Yet More Fan Service
By Shadow Crystal Mage
"It's time to toss the dice…"
The three slime girls stared at the empty ropes.
"Maybe we should have remembered they were ninja," Suramui mused. "I'm pretty sure there's such a thing as a 'Rope-Untying Jutsu'…"
"I hear it's basic stuff," Ameko agreed.
From above, a net dropped.
"Yay!" Fuuka cried, leaping out of her hiding place.
"Captured!" Fumika declared. "Hah! We have you now, our pretties! Now, you're our prisoners!"
The slimes exchanged looks, and then just oozed out from under the net. "Slimes, remember?" Purin said. "Shape shifting, liquid stock monsters?"
A beat.
"Well, crap," Fuuka said.
"Hah ha!" Suramui cried. "Doubtless this is the on-screen fight scene where we show how effective we are when we're not fighting the main character the manga is named after!"
"Hah! You wish!" Fumika cried. "This is certainly the scene where we kick your ass, thus establishing our power level and use as more than Lolicon bait!"
The slimes morphed, shifting into creepy, agile forms that had tentacles sprouting out. The twins drew out their weapons, Fuuka drawing out a ninjato, Fumika flourishing a croquet mallet.
"When we're done with you, we are going to fill every hole you have," Ameko said menacingly.
"We'll keep you in the bathtub and make you pleasure us for eternity," Fuuka growled back.
With an almighty cry, they clashed.
"Ich wolle Pocky essen!" Amalthea cried, clapping her hands.
"This isn't much of an improvement," Chisame said, looking at the robot baby-brain. "What good is her being able to speak in nothing but German?-!"
"Nur weil Sie nur eine Sprache sprechen in einer zunehmend globalisierten Welt ist deine eigene Schuld, Hasegawa, " Evangeline said, arms crossed.
The hacker frowned. "I didn't understand a word of that but I can TELL it was an insult."
"Well, duh," Evangeline said.
"We'll get it right this time," Chao said.
Evangeline blinked as if she just remembered something. "Oh yeah… I owe you something, Lingshen," she said.
"Hmm?" the genius hummed, not paying attention.
WHACK!
"Ow!" the descendant cried.
"THAT'S for making me give up a date with Boya on the last day of the festival, you time-traveling bitch," Evangeline said.
WHACK!
"Ow! Well, what was THAT for?"
"I just felt like it."
"Done!" Hakase said, uploading the new data to Amalthea.
They watched as the robot grew still as she assimilated the data.
"How do you feel, Amalthea?" Chao asked.
Amalthea opened her mouth…
"This parrot is dead! It has—"
"CHAO! YOU PROMISED YOU WERE GOING TO TRANSFER THOSE MONTY PYTHON FILES SOMEWHERE ELSE!"
The five lay back on the bed.
"Well, that was fun," Fuuka said, clad in air, various slimes, and chewing on a stick of Pocky.
"Yeah," Suramui agreed, sipping fruit yogurt from a straw. "Who'd have thought we'd bond over being underused in the manga?"
"We're not even used as fetish fuel anymore," Fumika pouted.
"Those stupid SHAFT anime mascots get more action than us," Purin said.
"Clearly, the only logical course of action is to join forces and have sex to celebrate," Ameko concluded.
There was a brief pleasant sigh.
"I know a few more people we can recruit," Fuuka said brightly.
"Do tell…" Suramui purred.
Purin frowned. "I don't know… we can't just hook up with anyone! Kidnapping a harem is one thing, but hooking up with people for consensual interspecies sex is another!"
"They're hot," Fuuka said.
"Well, the least we can do is meet with them…"
"First the slimes escaping, now this…" Takane muttered. "What have we got?"
Mei consulted her clipboard. "Subject is a pony with bright pastel coloring. Cause of death…" They both looked at the corpse. "It seems to be to have been beaten to death with a book."
Megumi took her tongs and put said book in an evidence bag. "It appears to be a copy of Twilight."
"Finally, someone found a use for it," Takane muttered. She frowned. "How did we end up turning into CSI Mahora?"
Chao repressed the urge to cackle maniacally as she checked off "Create even more moe ridiculously human robot" from her Master Plan V2 list. Soon, everything would be in place, and she would finally be able to deal with the REAL reason she'd gone back in time again. Soon, the so-called Cracklords would be dealt with…
"This is quite an accomplishment," Hakase commented as Chao put her list away. "Amalthea is our new Obra Maestra! With her we will SURELY win a Nobel prize this time!"
"Don't let Chachamaru hear you say that," Chao said (and WHY was she referring to herself by her family name in her own narration? Was she some kind of almighty janitor?). "I think she tried to get the baby to play with scissors."
Hakase nodded. "So, when are we getting married?"
Chao blinked. "We what now?"
Hakase froze, and then turned slowly to look at her. The expression on her face was so hellish Chao nearly reached for her limiter releasers. "CHAO CHRISTOPHER LINGSHEN—!" Hakase cried.
"That's not my middle name," Chao tried to protest and was overridden.
"YOU ARE NOT EVADING YOUR RESPONSIBILITY THIS TIME!" Hakase raged. "I WAS UNDERSTANDING WHEN YOU BEGAT CHACHAMARU ON ME—!"
"'Begat'?" Chao mouthed.
"WE WERE YOUNG ANG FOOLISH; THERE WASN'T TIME TO BE MARRIED! IT WOULD HAVE RUINED OUR FUTURES, HAVING A KID WHILE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL! BUT YOU WERE THERE AND YOU DID YOUR FATHERLY DUTIES TO PROVIDE SO I LEFT YOU MOSTLY OFF THE HOOK!"
"Can you release the caps lock please?" Chao begged.
Hakase huffed, but continued. "But then you ran off after Mahorafest, leaving me to take care of our daughter alone! Do you realize how difficult it was for me to deal with her discovering her sexuality? And then she had that accident where she was cut in half! But we got past and then YOU just waltz back in as if nothing had happened and come back into our lives without so much as an explanation! And THEN, you get me pregnant with another baby!"
"Hey, there was no pregnancy inv-" Chao tried to cut in.
"AND NOW YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO DODGE RESPONSIBILITY! WELL, NOT THIS TIME CHAO BARTHOLOMEW LINGSHEN—!"
"THAT'S NOT MY MIDDLE NAME!"
"WE ARE GETTING MARRIED BECAUSE I DON'T WANT OUR DAUGHTERS TO GROW UP BEING TEASED FOR BEING BORN BASTARDS, YOU HEAR ME?-!-?-!-?-!"
Chao just stared, flabbergasted.
Evangeline munched on popcorn as she and Chisame watched. "Well, say something!" she urged. "It was getting good!"
"Slime-chans, this is Eiko and the high school dodgeball team," Fuuka introduced.
Eiko flipped her hair. "There was mention of Fanfic appearances?" she said
Suramui nodded approvingly. "She's hot. They're in!"
- to be continued…