The Long and Winding Road
Chapter Two
Anna had barely slept that night. Maybe an hour or so in the early hours, but after Lizzy had woken up from a nightmare Anna had lain in bed, contemplating how the next few days, weeks, months – years even – would figure themselves out. She had thought, or worried, about Lizzy, and then her mind had gone back to thinking about John. Anna contemplated how he was fairing back at Downton, and whether he missed her as much as she missed him.
Another hour passed, and Anna was no closer to sleeping in her late sister's spare bedroom, so she decided to get up when the sun rose and continue working through Rose's possessions in the other room. She had just finished searching through some old dresses that she would pass onto charity – Mrs Crawley was always looking for old clothes in the village, Anna had passed on a few of hers in the past – when Lizzy came into the bedroom, wide eyed despite having clearly just woken up.
For a moment, Anna thought she might have been confused, seeing a lady with similar structure to her mother in her mother's bedroom. Her heart twisted at the expression on the poor girl's face, and Anna immediately opened her arms and bid her a good morning.
"Did you have nice dreams when you went back to sleep?" Anna asked.
Lizzy nodded, albeit solemnly.
It was something, Anna thought to herself. Reaching out her hand to the little girl, Anna spoke up, "How about I make us something for breakfast?"
Lizzy nodded slowly.
"Would you like to go for a walk today?" Anna thought it would be best for them to get out of the house, if only for a little while. It was hardly healthy for them to be cooped up in here all day and night – apart from Lizzy being out in the garden – but since she had arrived, Lizzy had not been up to taking even a short walk.
Lizzy shook her head.
Anna sighed silently, watching her little niece closely. She had always been a quiet child, but in light of recent events Anna presumed she would be closing herself off from the world even more. She knew it would be up to her, and John of course, to bring Lizzy out of her shell once more, but Anna also knew how difficult that could be. Grief was obviously a different process for everyone. She had been a wreck when her mother had passed away during John's imprisonment, and she knew John had taken his own mother's death harder than he admitted to. She still remembered the day he received the news. Anna had seen him crying once before, the night he had thought to be leaving the Abbey, but of course he thought she had seen less than she had and when she had caught him upset about his mother's passing, he had been embarrassed. It had taken some stern words from her for him to finally let his resolve crumble, although she knew he would still try and control his emotions around her.
"Do you want to help me make breakfast, then?"
Lizzy thought for a moment but nodded, keeping a tight hold on Anna's hand as they walked through to the kitchen.
Anna watched Lizzy throughout the morning, from breakfast to when she continued to sort through the possessions in the cottage. Lizzy wandered off around mid-morning, and Anna had seen her from the kitchen window in the garden, sitting on the swing her father had built during the war when he had been on leave. Anna still remembered her sister recounting the tale on one of her last visits, after he had been killed. She had been so thrilled to have him home, and she had told Anna endless stories of the things the three of them had done as a family.
Deciding to leave her be for a while, Anna went through to the sitting area, intent on continuing working through the cottage, but suddenly the fatigue caught up with her.
Choking back a sob, she collapsed onto one of the settees and covered her mouth with her hand, letting some of her tears fall freely down her cheeks. She had not anticipated how difficult it would be, to come here alone, and she missed John. She missed him a lot. The two of them had known that their first separation after his sentence would be difficult, but neither would have anticipated it to be this soon, or in these circumstances. How could they have done?
Anna picked up one of Lizzy's stuffed bears, smiling tenderly at the stitches that bore the marks of a loving past before stroking it tenderly. She remembered buying this particular one for her niece all those years ago. Anna had stopped off in York and found a toy shop before making the journey to Claxton to see her sister and the new baby, and this had been the one she had chosen. A light brown bear, black button eyes and a yellow ribbon still tied around its neck. Anna was surprised the ribbon was still there, tracing it fondly.
Suddenly overcome with tiredness, Anna brought the bear closer to her chest and reclined across the settee, closing her eyes. Just a few minutes, she thought to herself.
But when she felt a soft hand shaking her shoulder, Anna realised she had been asleep a lot longer than a few minutes. Lizzy was softly whispering, "Auntie Anna."
Anna opened her eyes groggily, her vision clearing slowly as she noticed Lizzy sat on the floor beside her. She sighed, stretching out her legs and letting out a grunt, noticing a blanket had been draped across her.
"What is it, sweetheart? How long was I asleep?"
Lizzy shook her head, as if to answer nothing was wrong, her neat plaits swaying from side to side. "A long time. It's after lunch!"
Anna shook her head in shock, almost in an attempt to wake herself up completely. She sat up, realising she was still holding onto the bear. She smiled slightly, sharing a look with her niece, before holding it out to Lizzy. The little girl smiled at her aunt and took the bear, cuddling it to her chest.
"Are you hungry?" asked Anna.
Lizzy shrugged.
Anna smirked at her knowingly. That was a yes, that much she knew. She would make something for them in a little while, Mrs Cowden had been kind, and insistent, enough to provide her with enough food to last them until the two of them left for Downton, but first there was something she needed to discuss with her. Anna motioned with her head for Lizzy to come up and sit with her, and the girl came willingly, snuggling into her side and underneath the blanket.
"You know, Lizzy…" Anna began, but was suddenly unsure of what to say.
Lizzy looked up.
Anna sighed, looking down and meeting her eyes.
"We will have to go back soon, to Downton." Anna hesitated before saying anything else, not wanting Lizzy to feel uncomfortable at the thought of leaving her childhood home – the only home she had ever known. "The people I work for will expect me back."
"Am I coming with you?"
Anna frowned, "Of course you are." Anna tightened her hold around Lizzy. "I told you, you'd be living with me from now on. And your Uncle."
"Uncle John?"
Anna smiled just hearing those words.
"Yes, your Uncle John."
Silence swept across them after that, the two of them just sitting contentedly on the settee. Occasionally Lizzy would ask about Downton, or about John, and Anna would happily indulge her. She would soon discover that the best way to forget her troubles was to indulge herself in happier memories. However, soon neither of them could ignore their grumbling stomachs and Anna suggested they go through to the kitchen and make some dinner for themselves.
Anna had just made some dinner for Lizzy when she heard a knock at the front door. She sighed, dropping the towel she had been using into the sink, and left the kitchen in order to make her way to the front door, assuming it would be another neighbour passing on their condolences as she subconsciously straightened the front of her dress. As she opened the door, however, Anna released a loud gasp.
John.
She immediately leapt forward and flung herself into his arms.
John let out a laugh at the welcome he received and instantly wrapped his arms tightly around her. Luckily his overnight bag and cane were easy to discard on the floor. He could feel Anna shaking against him, and judging by the sounds she was making, he was not sure if she was laughing or crying.
Releasing his hold on her and pulling back to look into her face, he found that both his assumptions seemed to apply. Tears were falling down her cheeks, but she was laughing, her smile widening as her eyes feasted upon his frame, still not quite believing it.
"What are you– I don't understand!"
"Mrs Hughes sent me. She knew it was unfair for you to do this alone."
Anna let out another hysterical sound before flinging herself into his arms once more, only this time she leant up and kissed him passionately, not caring where they were as she knocked the hat off his head.
Now it was John's turn to laugh, slowly drawing Anna away from him and the kiss, although reluctantly. "Maybe we could continue this inside?"
Anna stared at him for a moment before shaking herself out of her reverie, laughing again, "Of course! I'm so sorry, come on in."
She led the way, waiting while John picked up his bag and cane. Once he had come inside and the door was closed, Anna kissed him again, although this time a little more tenderly, and it did not last as long.
"You must tell me everything."
John laughed, placing his bag down, propping his hat on top. "There really isn't much to tell. Mrs Hughes told me last night to pack a bag, that I would be required to dress His Lordship this morning but that I should catch the train after that."
Anna sighed happily. "I must thank her when we get back."
John smiled, searching for her hand and squeezing it tenderly. He spoke softly, "I missed you." Anna smiled sweetly. "I was worried too."
Anna lifted a hand to his cheek, stroking it tenderly. "I missed you too."
Anna was about to crane her head upwards for a kiss when she heard a noise from behind her. Jumping slightly, she turned to find Lizzy stood in the doorway to the front hall, having heard the noise and come to investigate.
She was looking at this new man with curiosity, and she looked down and saw that her aunt was holding hands with him.
Anna moved towards Lizzy slowly, bringing John with her. "Lizzy, I told you about your Uncle John."
John stepped forward a little more, stepping around Anna so that Lizzy could see him properly, and he smiled at the young girl, "Hello."
Lizzy regarded him with a little more curiosity, but after a moment or two she smiled a little shyly, clutching the teddy bear to her chest.
As the two most important people in her life silently exchanged pleasantries, Anna watched them both, smiling herself, because whilst it was clear that Lizzy was still quite shy in front of him, she had the feeling the two of them would become very close in the near future.
"I managed to sort through most things," Anna explained as she showed John into her sister's old bedroom where most of the possessions were. She had lain most of the clothes out on the bed, a large pile which she was intending on donating.
"You've done a lot," John commented.
"Most of these can be donated," Anna motioned to the pile of clothes. "Lizzy doesn't have much, but what she does have, I think we should bring back with us. There are some little treasures too, I thought we could save them until Lizzy is older. The house will eventually be sold, and I thought the furniture could stay here too, you know just… the rest of it, I…"
John had begun to notice that Anna was rambling. It was now as she paused that he noticed her bottom lip wobbling, and he instantly sought to reassure her, taking her hand and leading her to sit on the bed.
"Anna…"
She closed her eyes and let him guide her, her hand shaking as a few tears slipped down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry, I…"
"Don't be sorry," John responded, perhaps a little harshly at first. Anna opened her eyes quickly. John lifted his hand to her cheek and spoke again, this time softer, "You have no need to be sorry."
"It's just," Anna began slowly. "Doing this, it makes it all feel real. That sounds silly, doesn't it?"
He shook his head. "Not at all, I felt the same."
Anna knew he was talking about when his mother died.
They shared a look, and a smile, before John reached across her and picked up a small, cardboard box that seemed to contain a small collection of photographs. He opened the lid, but only after looking up at her for permission – which she instantly gave – and stilled his thumbs on the edge.
"Tell me about this," John urged her gently, thinking that this might be a way for her to open up a little more about her sister, as well as to enable her own healing process.
He felt her head drop to his shoulder. Anna could still see the photographs from where her head lay, and she smiled at the first photograph in the pile.
"That was Rose's wedding day," Anna informed him. The photograph was one with the bride and groom on their own outside a church he did not recognise. It was not the one he passed earlier that afternoon, so he assumed it was taken in the village where Anna had grown up with her family. He carefully moved onto the next photograph, one that now contained the bride, the groom, Anna, a young man and an older man and woman, the latter looking exactly like Anna. His assumption that these were her parents and brother was confirmed by Anna.
"And this one?"
Anna sighed softly as he leafed through the photographs, coming to one of two young girls, neither of which he completely recognised.
"Rose, and me, when we were younger."
John chuckled as he traced the edges of the photograph, fully recognising Anna now as an apparently bright and, by the looks of it, healthy girl.
"Don't you laugh, John Bates," Anna chuckled to herself, swatting his chest playfully with her hand.
"I'm sorry," John apologised. "But you were adorable."
"Were?" Anna raised an eyebrow.
"Are."
Anna chuckled once more and shifted further into his side, sighing softly when his arm came to wrap around her.
She looked up, however, when the bedroom door creaked open. Lizzy appeared in the doorway, offering a weak and hesitant smile, still not fully accustomed to having John here.
"It's all right," Anna reassured her when she recognised the wary look. "You can come and look at these with us if you want."
Lizzy obliged and stepped forwards, halting just before she reached them, unsure of where to go or sit.
Before Anna could move, John shifted himself a little to the left, making room for Lizzy to sit between them if she so wished. Lizzy did move forward, and as she settled herself between them Anna threw him a grateful smile.
John held the photographs out in front of him, angling them so that Anna and Lizzy could see properly, whilst Anna placed her hand on the small of her back, using the pad of her thumb to rub it soothingly.
"Do you remember this one?" Anna asked Lizzy as John paused on another photograph, one of Lizzy and her parents which must have been taken when she was only a few months shy of her first birthday. The photographer had evidently caught Lizzy's attention with something, because her mouth hung wide open and her arms were outstretched in the direction of the camera, almost as though she was trying to reach out for something.
Lizzy shook her head, and Anna pressed a kiss to her temple.
Seeing her father in the photograph seemed to send Lizzy into a contemplative state, and just as Anna was about to ask her about it, Lizzy asked, "Did mummy have to die too? Like dad did in the war."
Anna looked across at John for a moment, unsure of how to respond, before Lizzy looked up at her, her eyes widening. Anna chewed her tongue and shook her head. "No, sweetheart. It was just your mum's time to leave the world, as it will be for everyone."
Anna was not quite sure how her explanation had gone with Lizzy, but soon enough she had nodded her head slowly, and was slowly encouraging John to move onto the next photograph in the pile.
Anna was pensive that night when she and John retired to bed. She had already changed into her nightgown by the time he had finished in the bathroom and changed and was sitting up in bed, staring at the wall with a little more interest than she should have been.
John managed to slide into bed beside her without Anna noticing. His brow crinkled with worry, and he reached out his hand and covered hers with it. This made her jump, but only a little. Anna turned her head.
"Oh, John, I'm sorry. I was miles away."
"Anywhere nice?" he smiled.
Anna smiled at his poor attempt at humour, although appreciated the thought behind it.
"I was just thinking…" She stopped and started to fiddle with the bed sheets.
"Thinking about what?" John prompted.
Anna breathed out loudly and began again, "Just about what Lizzy was asking earlier. Whether she feels as though she needs someone to blame for Rose's death."
John squeezed her hand. "She needs to get her head around everything that's happened. Maybe if we let her try and do that now, she is more likely to come to us for answers later."
"I just remember, when my sister died, I needed someone to blame." Anna sniffed. John recalled the sister who had died young. Anna had only been eight or nine, if he remembered rightly. "I went through a phase of blaming anyone for not stopping her death in my mind. Even myself."
John squeezed her hand again.
"And did anyone explain it to you?"
Anna shook her head. "Not really. Mum and Dad never liked to talk about it, and I never really talked about it with Daniel or Rose. We were there for each other, but they were younger than me, so talking was never really an option."
"Would you have wanted someone to?"
Anna thought for a moment before shifting and lying down so that her head was resting against his chest. His arms automatically wrapped around her, and Anna's heart sped at the recognition of this intimate notion once more – something that neither of them had experienced since their wedding night.
"I'm not sure, really. Possibly. Probably."
His hands were rubbing her arms, his lips occasionally kissing the top of her braided hair tenderly. "Then we can wait, and see what you think best."
Anna caught onto one of his hands, bringing it to her lips and kissing it softly.
"Thank you."
John smiled, not being able to resist the urge to lean down and kiss her head once more.
"I can't wait to move into the cottage," Anna suddenly informed him.
John chuckled. "Neither can I, especially if this is what I have to look forward to."
Anna smiled against his chest, the thin fabric of his night shirt doing nothing to stop her feeling the natural heat coming from his body. "Amongst other things."
Anna simultaneously let out a yawn, and John smiled to himself.
He squeezed her shoulders, letting her know that he had understood the meaning of her words, and then spoke softly, "Go to sleep now."
Anna murmured in agreement, already half asleep. A few minutes later, John could feel the natural and steady rhythm of her breathing against him, and smiled to himself, settling down to sleep with his wife in his arms for the first time in over a year.
The next morning, somewhere around lunchtime, the three of them boarded the train back to Downton.
A/N: Thank you so much for all the response, it really makes my day whenever I get a notification for this story. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. The next will be up sometime over the next week. Thanks again to TestShip for all your help. I hope everyone enjoys the Christmas Special (as much as we can do) and Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it, and if not have a lovely week all the same! :)