"Never Let You Go"

That morning I awoke to the surprise of Orion's warm frame next to my own. I had almost forgotten, my mind a fog as my systems fully rebooted, of our rendezvous the previous night. He still was in a peaceful recharge and I stroked him lightly down his back with a servo. The temptation to remain on the berth with him was almost too great, but I knew I couldn't stay. With utmost reluctance I sat up on the edge of the berth and sighed, watching Orion's intakes. I wouldn't dare wake him, and I'd never admit that half the reason was because he looked so beautiful in recharge.

Before leaving I took one last glance at him before heading out the door, keeping the image of him in my processor. Thinking of him made me feel… happy. It was a strange foreign feeling that I had not felt in a long time. Of course my mood was quickly ruined when upon reaching the bridge I saw Autobot signals dancing across the main screen. I grunted in aggravation and ground my teeth. They could not have their Optimus back; he belonged to me now, like he always should have. I turned and barked commands at the vehicons on standby.

"You two! Get the rest of your battalion and intercept those Autobots!" I watched as they clumsily got to together and ran off. I sighed, wondering why I even bothered with the useless drones before comming Knockout.

"Knockout, you and Breakdown join the vehicons squad leaving. I want those Autobots dead!" I shrieked with almost alarm in my voice.

"Of course my liege, right away." Knockout responded hastily, ending transmission quickly before rushing through the space bridge with Breakdown.

I brought a servo to my forehead, stress already building up in the inevitable struggle I had started. Optimus…I grumbled to myself,, why did it have to be this way? The better question was why had I been stupid enough to start with this again. It hadn't worked with Orion in the past, so why did I hold onto such blithered memories? I knew what I was doing wasn't right, that he was no longer Orion, that his memories would eventually return and he'd be Optimus again. I didn't want that though, deep in my spark I just wanted my Orion back forever. I saw reflected in his optics the past of what we used to be, and I so deeply wanted to return to those times. To be Megatronus the gladiator once again, go back to those simple times and start over, if I could do that than maybe I could make things turn out differently.

I watched the blips on the screen and frowned. The vehicons dropped like flies, though that was no surprise. Knockout and Breakdown weren't faring much better to my disappointment and I grimaced as Soundwave opened the spacebridge marking their retreat. The two of them crashed on the floor with rapid intakes. I grimaced down at them and was about to shout, but I took a grumbled breath and stomped out of the room.

I heard silence engulf the room behind me, and knew they were baffled I hadn't exploded in a rage as I usually would. Truth be told, I was too distracted to care enough to deal with them. I felt detached from reality, the push and pull of my mental predicament dominating my senses. Orion was my mind's priority and nothing else. He had succeeded in taking over my thoughts and I felt nothing else.

As I walked through the halls it wasn't long until I bumped into him, surely on his way to return to working on the Iacon files. He smiled up at me in greeting, oblivious to my inner conflict. I grabbed him and pulled him into a kiss, overtaking his lips vigorously. I felt him sink into it as I pushed him up against the wall.

"Tronus..?" He mumbled questionably as I put him back down, turning away from him. "Megatronus, what's wrong?" He began to pry, laying a comforting servo on my shoulder and leaning me back towards him.

"Nothing… Orion." I lied, but my face betrayed that statement. He looked up at me with reflected pain in his optics, hurt that I was keeping something from him, that I wouldn't confide in him. He saw right through my deception, and I should have known he would. Orion had always had a keen eye.

"Who… Who is Optimus?" He asked taking me off guard. "You kept mumbling his name in your sleep." He still held a look of hurt on his face and his optics averted from mine.

For Primus sake! He was nervous that I was in love with another mech! I worried what other mutterings I could have spilled in my slumber, but pushed the thought away and focused on what to answer him with that wasn't suspicious sounding. The depressed look he had put on made that ache in my spark return, the cold pang of remorse.

"Optimus was a friend of mine." I stated uncertainly. "He… He disappeared one day."

Orion returned his gaze to mine and stared for a moment. "No, I can see it in your optics Megatronus, something is bothering you and I only wish you trusted me enough to tell me what exactly is going on with you.

"This Optimus is clearly someone important to you, and if you feel you can't talk about it with me then so be it." He finished and pushed past me in a huff.

I stood there astonished, pierced by his words like millions of small shards struck in my chassis. I had hurt him by not telling him the truth. The ache rooted around my spark and I felt the vines strangle throughout my systems. I couldn't tell him, surely he would think even worse of me than he did now.

The rest of the day droned on with a thick aura of tension in the air. My spark ached and as much as I tried to forget about it I found myself only making it worse. I began to run bizarre scenarios though my processor, trying to picture ways to solve my problem, to see everything turnout as I wished it would. I couldn't properly function like this, going through the day in a complete daze. Soundwave had noticed right away of course, he noticed everything. He was probably the only con who knew the exact reason for my behavior as well. Back then, he had been there too, before this whole thing broke out into a war. He and Orion had been my first supporters as I begun to preach about the erroneous ways of the old council. That had been just before Orion betrayed me of course, the reminder of that spiking through my spark with another sharp pang.

Soundwave tilted his helm at me with that knowing expression on his faceless helm that only I could read. He was worried about my well being now, saw right through my façade as I pretended that everything was normal and managed to appear unafflicted on the exterior. He approached me with the question from a friend who cared, was there for me to confide my troubles in. 'What's wrong?'I practically read his mind as I had always been able to do. Soundwave never needed to speak for me to understand him; I always knew what he wanted to say.

I closed my optics as if wishing the world around me would just disappear. I no longer wanted to deal with this, and I certainly didn't want to talk about it. Soundwave nodded and left the room, understanding that I simply needed to be left alone. When I opened my optics, I found that I was in complete solitude and sauntered over to the head of the bridge. Staring out the large window, I watched the night sky slowly mosey on past as the ship cut through the clouds. I felt myself enveloped in the image, wanted so badly to just sink into that sky and filter away with the clouds. If everything around me would just stop and fade away, then maybe I could be happy.

But what was happiness? I didn't know anymore, though I thought I had caught a glimpse of the feeling this morning. The image returned to my processor of Orion comfortably sprawled across my berth in a peaceful recharge. Now it just hurt to picture him again, and I scratched at my chest in retaliation to the phantom pains that haunted me. I left three long gashes running down my chassis deep enough for some energon to bleed through. The self inflicted wound barely stung in comparison to the wave of nausea I felt thinking about Optimus. I had been so distracted by this that I hadn't even heard the door creak open.

I felt his servo hesitantly touch my forearm; I didn't even need to turn to realize who it was. Nervousness streamed from his EM field with an almost apologetic undertone. I sighed and faced him, hearing a gasp of shock erupt from him as he stared at what I had done to myself. "It's just a scratch, Orion." I muttered seeing the shock in his optics flicker up to meet my own. "Megatronus… what did you do?" He questioned solemnly. "Why did you…?"

I reached for his servo and pulled it up to my lips, placing a light kiss. I couldn't think of how to answer his question, I wanted so desperately to tell him the truth, but that was even harder than lying to him. "It's nothing…" I told him senselessly and watched his eyes narrow. "Whatever is going on you can tell me!" He cried. "I don't care what it is, I'll always be here for you!" I averted my eyes. "No… you won't be, that's the problem." I slipped out, hoping I wouldn't regret it. He looked up at me with an even more confused expression, mouth open with no words escaping, speechless.

"We can't be together." I forced myself to say, feeling a tear in my spark. It could never work out between us and I knew it was better to end it now. If I let myself get too attached it would only hurt more later. I had to get it over with now before it escalated into a real disaster. I saw his optics begin to leak energon tears before he pushed off of me and ran out of the room. I knew that just now I had hurt him more than ever before and wanted more than anything to run after him and apologize. But I didn't, I knew that I couldn't in spite of the greater good.

Recharge was only but a memory of an elusive luxury. That night I rolled to and fro in the cold emptiness of my berth, the reignited ache in my spark keeping me from the temporary release of slumber. The room was dark, engulfed in the loneliest shade of a blue night, not even Earth's moon was around to break the all consuming void. I stared out the window in my room, stared into the nothing. The thought returned of wanting to disappear into that nothing and forget all the pain I knew. It wasn't that easy, though I could only wish it was.

I thought about him all night, cursing myself for what I had done. I had been an utter fool, hadn't even realized what I had been doing to Orion this whole time until now. I built him up, only to tear him down like that… ruined our chances to be together, but that's what I had wanted right? Then why did it hurt so much, being that I knew it had to be this way? I couldn't evade the feelings that I still wanted him. I felt my mind waning under the pressure of this conclusion and felt there was no escape to this madness. I wouldn't hurt him again though; I had to let him go.

I went the whole next day without seeing him, purposely avoiding him, which I'm sure he had been doing to me as well. It would have been much too awkward to confront him after yesterday's escapades. I had a couple drones oversee his work, but I knew exactly where he was anyway and couldn't help but stare at the door every time I passed. I felt myself almost being gravitated towards where he was, maybe even subconsciously going out of my way to pass by his location despite my intention to stay away. It was aggravating, a constant itch in the back of my mind irritating me to go see him. I wouldn't allow my feelings to rule me, though in the end I felt my resistance wouldn't be enough.

I turned back to Soundwave for assistance. He listened to the telling of my long suppressed emotional rant and hidden secrets I'd dare not tell any other spark. By the end of it he seemed a bit at a loss on his opinion of the matter. He was the only one who understood my roots to Optimus, and therefore wasn't terribly surprised by my feelings for him. When he was finished thinking he looked up at me with that face telling me I already knew what I had to do. I sighed, "It's not that simple Soundwave, and you know it" He only pointed in the direction where Optimus was insistently and played a recording from somewhere or other that stated: "talk to him."

I groaned in anticipation as my eyes darted towards where he pointed before returning my attention to him. He held a steady glance at me, unwavering underneath my questionable glare. I broke under his faceless stare, the emotions pushing up against where I had tried to seal them. "I don't understand this… it's too much for me to muster." I explained. "I can't stand the thought of being apart from him, but at the same time know it just cannot simply be." He looked empathetic then, well as empathetic as Soundwave could anyway and responded tentatively in his own voice, "Response: Do whatever feels right. Megatron: Should be happy." He stated earnestly, tilting his head in the direction he intended I should go.

"Thank you, Soundwave." I said, managing to give him a light smile. "You're right, I need to go make things right once and for all. But even if it's at the cost of my happiness, even if I lose Orion, I have to tell him the truth. I can't live with this lie anymore." I shook my head in disbelief of what I was saying, but at least now knew what I had to do. I stood and brought my destination into sight, leaving the comfort of my friend to confront the cause of all my troubles once and for all.

I hesitated at the door, listened to the hum of the machines coming from the room. Underneath those sounds I could make out the shifting sound of Orion's plating as he finished up his work for the night. I leaned against the door, re-debating on my decision. I didn't want to upset him again. Before I could decide the door opened and I nearly fell in, regaining my balance in shock. My own shock stared back at me reflected in Orion's eyes, who was just as stunned as I was. We just stared at each other for what seemed forever, an awkward silence an expansive divide between us.

"Orion." I began breaking that silence, and he looked at me apprehensively. I could see in his optics, the pain that I had caused him, the same that I had brought upon myself. I took a step forward and he stepped back, allowing me to close the door behind us. "We need to talk." I stated. His expression became more worried then, I saw confusion pass through him, but also that he was at least willing to listen, though it could have been because I was blocking the door and he had no choice.

"I know that I've been unfair to you recently. That I've hurt you." I said staring into his optics with genuine care. "It's unacceptable what I put you through… and I would understand if you never wanted to speak to me again. I wasn't thinking properly, I wasn't paying enough attention to what I was doing to you, preoccupied with what you were doing to me." He looked more interested then and blinked. "What do you mean by that?" He pried curiously. "You… you make me feel weak." I answered. "It hurt every time I thought about you, it still hurts now." I begun to pour my spark out then. "When you asked me who Optimus was, I couldn't take it!" I slashed my fist through the air dramatically, slamming it into the adjacent wall, causing him to flinch. 'Because I knew… that if I told you, I could lose you forever." My tone softened and his optics dilated. I sighed, "let me show you."

I lead him over to the monitor and pulled up files that Orion had previously been off limits too, been locked away under extensive codes thanks to Soundwave. They were all of the files we had collected on our Autobot enemies, an entire database keeping track of any intel found on any of them. I reluctantly pulled up the file I had not been looking forward to showing Orion, the file of the Autobot leader, Optimus Prime.

Orion stared at his digital profile like staring directly into a mirror. He looked over it, not saying a word, not letting on anything to what he was feeling. I watched his face in anticipation, waiting for him to turn and fire on me, thinking that maybe he'd try and scrap me right here. He didn't look at me and finally spoke, still intently staring at the file.

"This is why." He began to figure out. "Optimus… is me." He looked at me then with a face of disillusionment and deep thought. He said nothing else, returning his attention to the file and sorting through the rest of his team mates with a look of uncertainty. I watched as he did so, awkwardly standing on the side as the Prime tried to make sense of what he was presented with. Only after he had read through everything did he return his attention to me.

"What happened?" He asked. "Why can't I remember any of this… how did I end up back with you?" He brought a servo to his helm looking a tad faint. "Orion!" I grabbed him as he nearly fumbled over. He appeared dazed, the discovery of his true life too much on his processor possibly. I took him back to his room and laid him on his berth, scooting a chair up for myself to sit in. "Orion, shhh, rest easy now." I hushed, putting a servo to his helm. He looked at me with helpless blue optics, looking a tad feverish. "You stay right here, I'll get the medic." I told him, rushing out the door and towards the medbay.

Knockout looked at me astonished as I burst through the door. "Uh. L-Lord Megatron!" He stated surprised and quickly stood. "I was just… I-" He began to fuddle over words but I quickly interrupted him. "Optimus is in need of immediate medical attention!" I commanded. "Get over there this instant!"

He quick grabbed an emergency kit and was soon racing down the hallway towards Optimus's quarters. I trailed right on his heels, not getting there fast enough to my liking. When we arrived Optimus lay looking even worse in such a short period of time. Knockout was at his side quickly diagnosing the problem. I stood on the sidelines pacing irritably, regretting yet another decision I had made. "This is all my fault…" I kept muttering under my breath, which eventually led Knockout to kicking me out.

"I can't work like this, wait outside!" He had said, ousting me from the room. I didn't like not being able to see him. I knew that I would only get in the doctors way though, and there was no room for mistakes in this matter. Whatever was wrong with Optimus, I was entirely to blame. The stress began to build up in my own processor and I myself begun to feel faint, I wouldn't leave Optimus's door though and stayed. I felt myself begin to sway and sat down outside the door before blacking out, sinking into the emptiness I had been longing.

Primus, sorry this took so long. ^^' Been so busy and unmotivated to write anything lately, I hope this chappy was okay! The next one should be out soon, I'm working a little bit on it tonight before I crash. So sometime this week it should be out hopefully :) Would love some reviews, they motivate me to write more!

Megatron: Review this or me and Orion may never be together again! :(
Sanity: It's okay Megsy, I don't hold chapters hostage for reviews like some other writers. XD
Megatron: Well, then I'll just blast them with my fusion cannon!
Sanity: That's not right either! D:

Orion: Please review :)

~Reviewers~

Leviprime- Yup, gotta love all them feels! They're so terrible but I can't get enough of them at the same time!