Warning: There is some foul language in this chapter, mostly the one that resembles 'firetruck'. You have been warned.
McCoy lunges forward as Spock and Lester come out of the meld. They are both breathing heavily, their eyes wet.
"Spock, you alright?" he asks, reaching out for the other man, "Talk to me, Spock…"
The hybrid doesn't move, still staring at the young woman. McCoy turns to her instead, asking, "How are you feeling, Miss Lester? Are you-?"
"That is not Miss Lester," Spock states suddenly, still not moving, "That is James T. Kirk."
"You're sure, Spock?"
"I have never been more certain of anything, doctor."
"Spock…" Lester… Kirk says, the voice full of emotion, "Spock, I'm sorry… I'm so sorry you had to see all of that, to feel all that… I warned you. I'm so sorry-"
"Do not be sorry," Spock replies gently (for Spock), "I was aware of the potential for such emotional transference."
McCoy looks between the two of them. Their eyes are still locked, still wet, and he notices they are breathing in tandem. He feels very alone and excluded in their company, as though he just witnessed something very private but wasn't quite sure if he had. Kirk and Spock had grown quite close over the course of this five-year exploratory mission (which was due to end in a year) thanks to many close calls on alien planets where they only had each other and their own wits to stay alive. While McCoy is considered a third member of a close-knit triumvirate, Kirk and Spock are closer to each other than McCoy is to either of them. That's not to say he's bitter about it. Kirk and Spock temper each other, balance each other out as heart and mind, and when they can't agree on a course of action, McCoy steps in to add some soul to the argument.
Now, even trapped in another's body, Kirk is deeply connected to Spock in a way that McCoy cannot even begin to understand. He ignores the pang of jealousy in his chest and moves forward. He's heard of complications stemming from mind melds, and while he's sure Spock did everything to the letter, he wants to be sure they're fine. He goes to Spock first, clearly affected by a number of emotions. He murmurs softly, "Spock… Spock, can you hear me?" and waits for an answer. When he receives none, he reaches out and lays a hand on Spock's shoulder. He can feel the emotions churning even from this simple touch, and it makes him wonder what exactly Spock saw in Kirk's head. A few more moments pass. McCoy then, carefully and gently, grasps Spock's jaw and slowly turns his head away from Kirk.
Both of the others release a long breath as their eye contact breaks, and the spell is gone. Spock's eyes are still damp, but McCoy's tricorder finds nothing out of the ordinary. He moves on to Kirk, who is more visibly shaken than Spock. He trembles and shakes, but once again the scanner finds nothing irregular. It's strange for McCoy to know that inside the body of this young woman is his best friend Jim Kirk. Of course, that opens up a whole new set of questions…
"So... you're walkin' around as Janice Lester," McCoy says once everyone is calmed down, "and she's out there wearin' a Jim Kirk suit? How the hell does that happen?"
Kirk shrugs the slim shoulders, replying, "I don't really know. I think… she said something about the ancient civilization that abandoned Camus II... and there was a weird machine. I guess the scientists found it and fixed it up and found out what it did. She probably tested it on those crewmen that died. In fact, I'm willing to bet that she's the reason they're dead, that she killed 'em to hide the information."
"That is the most logical conclusion. We were, after all, unable to complete full tests on them as Coleman cremated them."
"Or Janice did and Coleman's playing along," Kirk added.
"Well, I think we've got a bigger problem on hand just now," McCoy tells them.
"What's that, Bones?"
"How in the hell do we convince everyone on this ship that you're really Jim? I mean, she probably has a plan for that scenario, so she can keep power."
"Maybe she doesn't. She may not have had time to come up with a plan," Kirk says, "Could be that she only just found us crossing the planet's path and decided to see who she could switch places with. Having the Enterprise and me was just an added bonus. I mean, let's be real, the Enterprise is the most famous ship in the Federation-"
"And plenty of people have heard of you," McCoy interrupts.
"Could it be that you were the intended target, captain?" Spock queries, "Would you know of any reason for Miss Lester to hold a grudge against you?"
Kirk shakes his head, the dark locks swinging back and forth. McCoy takes the moment to observe Kirk as he argues lightly with Spock, and he wonders how he could have ever doubted this was Kirk. All the same mannerisms are present: the intense stare, the nervous lip licking, the slight cocking of the head. He even retained that Iowa accent, the same speech patterns McCoy is so familiar with. He supposes that's why Lester ordered Coleman to keep Kirk sedated.
"Shit, we forgot somethin', y'all."
"What?" the other two ask.
"Coleman and Lester."
"What?"
"Lester ordered Coleman to keep you sedated, Jim, even took you out of my care and put Coleman in charge of you to keep us all from figurin' this out. It's only a matter of time before she figures out you're not there and Coleman's out cold and-"
"McCoy to medical," Uhura's voice rings out over the shipwide, "I repeat, Dr. McCoy, please report to the main medical bay."
McCoy looks to the intercom, then to Spock and Kirk.
"It would appear that your hypothesis is correct, doctor. I'm sure that is… the captain."
McCoy gets to his feet and quickly makes himself respectable. At the door, he turns to his friends, saying, "Don't worry. I'll keep her at bay. Be back soon."
xXxXx
Kirk watches McCoy leave with some trepidation. He knows McCoy won't betray him on purpose, but when he gets emotional… Kirk tries to find something to talk about.
"Spock, how come you've been here for so long? Shouldn't you be on the bridge?"
"I was… ordered off the bridge for insubordination and expressly ordered not to return," he replies.
"What! Insubordinate?" Kirk explains, "You've never been insubordinate!"
"I would not say that statement is entirely true. As to the charges from Lester, I questioned her judgment on straying from our approved course to Beta Aurigae. She took special offense to being so challenged and banished me from the bridge."
That rankles Kirk a bit. He asks, "What else did she do?"
"She demands silence on the bridge unless it is directly related to ship's business. Her favorite target for rebuke seems to be Mr. Chekov."
Nope. Now, Kirk is pissed. He jumps to his feet, half-shouting, "She yelled at Chekov?"
Spock nods. Kirk continues, "Oh hell no. She does not get to yell at my crew, and she certainly does not get to yell at Chekov! I don't even yell at Chekov! He doesn't deserve to be yelled at! He's a good kid and a great navigator! That's bullshit!"
"You are very protective of the ensign."
"He's a good crewman. Poor kid's seen a lot. He doesn't need people yelling at him, especially when he hasn't done anything wrong. Kid doesn't need to be yelled at by people he looks up to and respects."
Kirk paces for a bit. He's had to discipline Chekov, yes. He's given the kid a firm talking to. He's never yelled. He always tried to avoid yelling because he never liked being yelled at by authority figures himself. He tries to treat his crew as he wants to be treated. Golden rule and all that…
"I don't think it'll be too hard to convince the crew of who I am. You know I don't lord over you guys," Kirk says.
"Captain, I feel I must offer my apologies to you for not believing you more quickly. I should have known that you would never mistreat your crew in such a way, even if mind control were a factor."
Kirk shakes his head, telling him, "Don't, Spock. There's no way you could've known I was telling the truth without that mind meld. Janice Lester was crazy and sick, so it only makes sense for you to think I was lying or delusional. I mean, sure, I'm a little hurt, but I'm also proud that you didn't give in right away."
He looks away from Spock, hoping this body doesn't blush too easily. The mind meld had brought up his memories of the meld with Other Spock that he'd intentionally buried. The deep feelings of love and loss had been poured into him with the heavy pain of losing a planet. He'd wanted to hide that from Spock, but he asked to see them… and he'd asked so nicely. When Kirk showed Spock the simple memories, however, more complicated ones bled through, the memories of a life they would never lead. Part of the reason he sacrificed himself in the warp core so long ago was because he'd seen Other Spock do the same thing, felt how bad it hurt the other Kirk. The visions flood back. He sees and older version of himself on the other side of thick glass. He remembers the pain of dying and the pain of seeing the person he cared for the most so close and yet so far from him. They were inches away from each other and unable to touch. It was worse than the pain of dying. Kirk finds he cannot suppress the shiver than runs up his spine.
"Are you well, captain?" Spock asks, "Would you like me to raise the temperature?"
"No… no, I'm not cold. I'm just… I'm remembering."
Spock gets to his feet and approaches Kirk slowly, asking, "What are you remembering?"
Kirk simply replies, "Everything," still not looking at Spock. The sudden height difference is still bothersome.
"Please be more specific, Jim," Spock requests quietly, using Kirk's first name, "If I have brought forth any buried memories that are harmful, you only need tell me, and I will initiate another meld to remedy the situation."
"It's not that. I live with those memories every day."
He finally turns to look at Spock; he does not enjoy having to crane his neck to do so. He should not have shown Spock the emotional memories. It feels like he spilt someone else's deep, dark secret to him, and he knows he won't be so lucky for Spock to just forget it all. He just can't lie to him, though. He tells him simply, "I… the Other Spock showed me a lot that I'd forgotten until now and… it's just overwhelming."
"Do you wish to forget?"
"No," Kirk says quietly, "I never want to forget any-"
It is then that the door whooshes open and McCoy bursts in.
"Shit! Shit!" he shouts, "That's it! We're fucked! We are capital-F Fucked!"
"Bones, what are talking about? Fucked how?"
"She knows, Jim! She knows you're not in the medbay, and she thinks I helped get you out!"
"You did help," Kirk deadpans.
"Oh, shut up, Jim, that ain't the point!" McCoy snaps back, "The point is that she doesn't know where you are, and it's gonna make her dangerous. We need to get the word out soon that she's not the captain, that you're the real you."
"Well, duh, you think I don't know that? Nobody wants her stopped more than me, but we need a plan!"
McCoy is clearly agitated, running his hand through his hair and mumbling in a thick Georgia accent. Kirk huffs, dragging the fingers through tangled locks. I need a comb or something… That's what girls use right? Or do they use brushes? This is already a big pain in my ass…
"What did you say to Miss Lester when confronted?" Spock asks McCoy.
"I told her I had no idea where Jim had gone or even that he had gone- course I didn't say I knew it was Jim- because she took him outta my care. Said Coleman was hysterical 'cause he fell asleep and 'Lester' escaped while he was passed out. Said he was so hyped up we had to sedate him for his own good. She asked about you, Spock, and I told her I had no idea either where you were or what you were doin'. I reckon she'll probably drop in on ya at some point."
"Both of you leave," Kirk pipes up before they can start arguing, "I'll come up with something and stay here for a bit. I just need a little time… and a shower… and a uniform, oh and for Chrissakes, I need some food, like, yesterday."
"You may make use of my shower while you are here," Spock tells him, "I will obtain a uniform-"
"No, ya won't. I'm already clear of some suspicion, and I've got nurses that won't be as closely watched as you or I would be. I'll get them to bring ya a uniform. Got any preference for color?"
"Well, I have been called Starfleet's golden boy," Kirk smirks.
McCoy chuckles a bit, adding, "I'll have the nurse bring ya somethin' to eat, too. May be able to better disguise the uniform that way. Spock, how 'bout you go do somethin' that ain't suspicious?"
They watch McCoy leave, and the weight of the memories drifts over Kirk like a dark cloud, seeming to hang between them until Kirk can't stand it anymore. He gets up, mutters, "I'm gonna take that shower. You go to the labs so Lester won't have any more to suspect you of. See ya later," and retreats to the head.
xXxXx
Spock sits alone in one of the labs, thinking on what he saw in Kirk's mind. The captain had been through much in his life, making his mind a tempestuous place with a curious beauty. Based on the memories of his (their?) counterpart, he should have much more to come. He is sure that Kirk had not meant to show him that much of what Other Spock had shown him, to show him all those strange emotions. Spock works hard on the project he'd begun not long ago, one that is rather simple and does not require much attention. He thinks on what he saw, what he heard.
The Vulcan words he'd heard in Kirk's mind were… sensitive. They words meant to imply a deep connection, deep friendship and trust, deeper love. The last words were reserved for one's bondmate, the one a Vulcan chose to spend their rest of their life connected to in a way no one else could understand. It was only logical to believe that Other Spock used the words toward Kirk, that he used such epithets for Another Kirk. Other Spock had suggested that their relationship would grow and bloom into something more, though Spock had presumed it would be a good friendship and working relationship. He could not have predicted this.
It would be a lie to say that Kirk did not arouse strong feelings and emotions in Spock, though these were most often anger, frustration, anxiety, and occasionally fear… though he had been very sad when he'd thought Kirk dead (more than once)… and he had felt great joy when Kirk was shown to be alive… of course there was also contentment when they spent time together. That was a good deal more than he recalls ever consciously feeling. Spock checks on his experiment. He is Vulcan. He prefers to control his emotions rather than dwell on them.
The door whooshes open, and Janice Lester strides in, wearing Kirk's body proudly. Spock barely suppresses the angry shiver that runs up his spine. He fells very protective of Kirk, more so than ever before.
"Spock," she says, twisting Kirk's face into an evil smirk that doesn't look right, "Spock, I kicked you off the bridge so you would stop making trouble, and it seems it didn't quite work. Why do you insist on flouting my authority, Mr. Spock?"
"I do not know what you mean, captain."
The evil smirk contorts into a snarled grimace. She is… unhappy.
"I am merely executing my duties as First Officer," Spock continues, feeling bold, "I am charged with making sure the ship operates smoothly and that the crew are looked after. This occasionally results in my needing to question your judgment. I do so quite often, if you will recall."
He could not resist the passing jibe. All trace of a smile flees, leaving the snarl. Lester swoops close and leans into his personal space, hissing, "Listen up, you pointy-eared fuck, I am in charge. You will listen to me, and you will obey my orders. I am the captain. Do you understand?"
Spock looks directly at Lester, refusing to flinch. His eyes narrow imperceptibly. He does not like the way she wears Kirk like an ill-fitting suit. She does not move right or sound right or sit right in the chair.
"I understand you perfectly, captain," he answers tightly.
"Good, then tell me where Janice Lester is," she demands.
He wants to tell that Lester is right in front him or to look in a mirror, but he quickly squashes that very human urge. It would be too dangerous, would destroy what they have done so far. He tells her instead, "I did not know she was missing."
"Of course you did! Stop lying!" she shouts, "Never lie to me!"
"Vulcans do not lie. I was not aware Miss Lester was missing, though I shall never endeavor to look for her when I may. Should I locate her, you will be immediately notified, captain."
Calling Lester captain seemed to mollify her, to soothe her anger, and Spock makes a mental note of the reaction. She stands up, straightens the tunic, and says, "Notify me immediately when you find her. I'm counting on you."
She strides out, and Spock finds himself feeling angry and disgusted. No, he does not like her in Kirk's body at all. It's not right. He returns to his experiment and his previous thoughts, not wishing to think of Miss Lester any longer.
It was not unheard of, before the sudden loss of almost their entire population, for a Vulcan to choose a bondmate of the same gender, and he wonders briefly why his counterpart said nothing if he and Another Kirk had had a romantic relationship; he chides himself. Of course Other Spock said nothing of a romantic relationship or bonding between them. He and Kirk had not even been acquaintances when Other Spock melded with Kirk and were barely friends when Spock spoke with him in the hangar. It would have been unethical to mention something like that in an attempt to push them together. Now if it evolved organically… Spock finishes up his experiment and checks the chronometer. Kirk has been alone for a few hours now, and Spock thinks it should be safe to return to his quarters.
He finds Kirk sitting alone with a datapad and an empty food tray. He looks up when Spock enters and grins widely. Yes, this is his Jim Kirk, with a contagious smile and infectious cheer and joyful eyes. How is it that Kirk looks so at ease in this foreign body when his fits Lester so poorly? Kirk sees his veiled consternation, see the emotions churning just under the still surface. The grin flees his face. He frowns instead, asking, "Spock, what's wrong? Did Lester find you? What did she say?"
"She questioned me as to your whereabouts, and I told her I was not aware you were missing. She took special offense to my feigned ignorance and leveled an insult at me based on my heritage and appearance."
"What did she say, Spock?" Kirk asks, upset.
Spock tells him. Kirk takes it poorly.
"She said that to you?! I cannot believe she said that to you!" he rages.
Kirk paces the room again, raging, anger boiling just under the surface. Spock can feel it seething under his own skin as part of the link forged earlier. Kirk's nostrils flare. Muscles twitch under the foreign skin. Fists clench. Spock is touched that Kirk cares so much.
"She can't say that shit to you!" he explodes finally, "She has no right! No right! As soon as I get my body back, I'll kill her! I'll fuckin' kill her! That piece of-"
"Jim, please, I do not wish to see any violence on my behalf," Spock speaks up calmly, "I am, unfortunately, used to hearing such xenophobic slurs, though I do not count Dr. McCoy's good natured jibes as such, nor anything you have said while not yourself. We must continue to act as though nothing is wrong if we wish to avoid suspicion."
Kirk paces in agitation for a bit more until his energy is spent, and he drops down into the chair, exhausted, scrubbing at the face that's is not his. Frustration seeps through the link they share. Spock thinks some of it may be his own.
Reviews are love.. I know this chapter was a bit rough, but hang in there. There's more to come in this one, along with some more characters we get to see through!