Loss and Damage

New York. The city that never sleeps. She had hoped that she never had to return there. It held so many sad memories.

A little child lost, dying in the streets of New York, abducted and conditioned to kill the Doctor.

Now it had been the City taken by the Angels. But not only New York was taken by the Weeping Angels. They also took her parents. Amy and Rory Williams. The Girl who waited and the Last Centurion. This had been the last adventure of them together, for them of course not for River and again she knew what would happen. But she could not tell them and also not the Doctor. She didn't dare to think about what he would've done if he knew that he would lose Amy and Rory that day. He would have done anything to save them. But he couldn't because it already happened. He had already gotten the book. The book she wrote was her story of what happened in New York. So she couldn't do anything although it was hard to just stand by. Again, the Doctor must have seen her as ice cold to let her parents go but there was nothing she could do, they had to let Amy go, too, it was the best for her. However, River felt guilty and it hurt her to see the Doctor grieving over her parents. She tried to comfort him but it was hard for her to find the right words, there were no words that would help at the moment. Not from her. So she went back to let Amy write an afterword for him. It was the least she could do for him.

When she was done with the book and returned to the Doctor he looked better. So it worked. She watched him for a while working under the console of the TARDIS. Then he came out from underneath and looked at her.

He sat on the glass floor glancing up to her and said: "Thank you."

"Always," she smiled back. He jumped up and started the TARDIS. River joined him.

"And I'm sorry," she said. "For what?"

He looked puzzled.

"For slapping you and what I shouted at you."

She had realized that she might have been a bit too harsh but it was just her wrist that got damaged and she wouldn't let him down whatever it takes. He should've already known but apparently didn't, so she had to remind him to be less sentimental and emotional when more was at stake than a broken wrist.

"It's already forgotten."

River sighed. "How?" her voice was low and whiney. That was embarrassing. She didn't want him to see her pain over the loss of her parents. It was obvious he would think it was his fault.

"Never let him see the damage."

So she cleared her throat and started again.

"How can you always forgive me so easily? I killed you and you forgave me. Dear, I think I can handle you being mad at me once in a time."

"No, you can't"

"What?" She had her hand on her hips. Now it was on her to look puzzled. Sometimes she hated him. Especially when he was right about her.

"I will always forgive you."

"Why…?" Her voice trailed away again. She had to hold herself together not to slap him again for those stupid things he was saying.

The Doctor looked away, searching for words. Obviously it was about something in the future. She just wanted to say something to leave it with that and not to press him any further as he spoke again but more to the buttons in front of him than to her.

"Because…it's the only thing I can do for you to repay for what I've put you through."

"What do you mean?"

"You should be mad at me. I should beg you for forgiveness. It's my fault that you were kidnapped, you were in Stormcage because of me, and you lost your parents…."

"That's not your fault!" She had raised her voice and her hand clenched to a fist. She was breathing in deeply to calm herself.

"Yes it is!" he exclaimed.

Then he sat down and buried his face in his palms. River held on to the edge of the control panel hardly, her knuckles turning white.

When the Doctor looked at her again she let go but couldn't look him in the eyes, she would only lose it again. She hated seeing him like that.

"But River, one thing…why are you taking all this? Why are you doing all this for me? You know me so well; you know how much trouble it can be traveling with me and not to mention our complicated relationship. Why are you…"

River was calm again, she almost chuckled. He could put her through so many emotions in just minutes. Sometimes her clever Doctor could be so, so stupid.

She looked very softly, smiling at him.

"It's easy. Every moment being with you is worth it."

He stared at her as if she had gone insane.

"River…"

"Listen," she interrupted him. "There's no need to be sorry or feel guilty. You do more than enough to make it all up. So we're even. Okay?"

He gave up for now and nodded.

Later she sat in the room that used to be Amy and Rory's, writing in her diary the latest events. On two places of the writing the words were blurred from the teardrops that had fallen on the page. Not only that her parents were gone, she also had to learn that she is giving the Doctor unwillingly a hard time, making him feel guilty.

When there was a knock on the door she shut the diary quickly and wiped the streams of the tears from her cheeks.

"Yes," she said, trying to steady her voice.

The Doctor came in. She looked up at him and put the book away. He stood there in the doorway, examining her.

"You are alright?"

She nodded but knew that he wouldn't believe her. He probably had already noticed that she had cried. He came over and sat next to her on the bed. He took her hand but she pulled it away, the memory of her broken wrist and their fight over it was still to recent.

The Doctor sighed.

"It's okay to be sad. Why are you always hiding what you feel? I can never tell what's in your mind."

River laughed. "I know you don't like it not to know what's going on especially when you can't figure it out."

"Please, River tell me. Once."

She looked down on her hands folded in her lap.

"I just don't want you to worry about me. You already carry too much. I don't want to be a burden to you."

"You're not."

"I need to be strong. For you."

"You don't need to. You can tell me when you're not ok. I'm there for you."

"I know." River whispered and rested her head against his shoulder and could let it go at last in front of him. He put his arm around her, his face buried in her hair. River felt so good and calm and secure to be hold by him like that. He was right it was easier to cope when you have someone to share your troubles with.