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The Big Bang Theory: the Fan Fiction Affliction
Chapter 5, the Con-Figuration
Penny stood in front of the three-way mirror admiring herself in the black wig as Anika finished hemming her companion's robes and Paulette added a final layer of red gloss to her lips.
Charles came in and asked, "Just about ready to go? We're ready for Inara on the floor."
Anika and Paulette pronounced Penny all finished. Penny followed Charles to the Firefly booth at the first annual VegasCon, where Jewel Staite and Gina Torres had just arrived and were waiting to sign autographs for their Firefly roles as Kaley and Zoe. Penny joined the other actors, who were dressed as other characters from the Firefly series.
Esther, from the team who had hired Penny for the con, came over and whispered, "Penny, you look absolutely beautiful. I do have a favor to ask to help us out with a last-minute crisis: Our actress who was supposed to dress up as Yeoman Rand and serve the members of the original cast for the Star Trek panel is sick. She's running a 101-degree fever, and the doctor won't approve her appearing. Would you be willing to have us dress you as her for their panel discussion? There's an extra $500 in it for you."
"Sure," Penny said. "Yeoman Rand was a fair-skinned blond, so it won't be as much of a stretch."
"Great, thank you," Esther said. "You'll be serving the cast members coffee and soft drinks. Do you know anything about serving?"
Penny smiled and said, "I know a little."
As Esther walked away, Penny saw the person dressed as Boushh from Return of the Jedi standing in line to get autographs from the Babylon 5 cast in the next booth. She walked up to Boushh and said, "We don't have any lines at the Firefly booth. It would be a good time to come chat with the cast. They tell me Nathan Fillion and Summer Glau will be here shortly."
Boushh turned and looked at Penny. He cocked his head to the side and said, "Penny! My goodness, I didn't recognize you at first. Wow!"
"Shhh!" Penny said. "I have to stay in character. I'm Inara. You like?"
"I love it!" Leonard said with his synthesized voice. "I want you to remember how to dress like this. I can't get over it. You wouldn't want to take a quick trip up to the room, would you?"
Penny said, "I'm working right now, but we'll connect later. I hope the trip wouldn't have been that quick. I love you."
As Penny walked away, Leonard stood staring at her. "Wow!" he said as she approached a group of teenage boys who had been watching her. "I hope she stays in costume when we connect. Woof!"
#
On the other side of the arena, Sheldon, dressed as Spock, was next in line to have Hamish autograph the books Hamish had written that Sheldon was carrying in his shopping bag. As he reached the table, Hamish said, "That is a great Spock costume. What do you have for me?"
Sheldon said, "Mr. Mankiller, sir, I have six of your books with me for you to autograph. I have all of your books, but some of them are in eBook format that I bought for my e-reader, so I couldn't bring them for you to autograph."
Hamish said, "We were actually selling hardback copies of my latest book Deep Space Horizons."
"Oh," Sheldon said. "I've already bought that for my e-reader: It's supposed to download when it's released in two days. I guess I could buy another copy to get your autograph. I thought of sending my books with Penny for you to autograph after class, but she has been in a hurry since she started working with your wife."
"You know Penny?" Hamish asked, looking around. "Here: I'm not supposed to do this, but, if you'll let me have the books, I'll sign them and return them to you later. And take this copy of Deep Space Horizons-on the house. So you know Penny is writing now. What do you think?"
"I'm ashamed to admit it," Sheldon said, "but she has been helping me with my writing. She even storyboarded a fan fiction story I wrote and submitted it to your class as one of her first assignments."
"You're Leonard's roommate, the theoretical physicist, right?" Hamish said. "To tell you a little secret, Penny is my prize student. What do you think of how she's been trying to help you?"
"It's a bit humiliating," Sheldon said. "To think that a waitress is helping me, a trained scientist with a master's degree and two Ph.D.s, figure out how to write: A waitress." He shook his head.
Hamish said, "I don't recall meeting you when Penny brought my wife and me to Leonard's lab. I did get to meet their friends Howard and Raj and an engaging young woman named Alex."
"Alex is my assistant," Sheldon said. "My girlfriend Amy had taken me to have a teeth cleaning that day. I was disappointed I didn't get to meet you."
"Well, I'm sure we'll be seeing more of each other," Hamish said. "I'll be glad to autograph anything else you have. I have some souvenirs from some of the TV shows and movies I've worked on I can show you. We'll connect later. By the way: Have you seen Penny here today?"
"No, I haven't gone over to the Firefly booth yet," Sheldon said. "I'm waiting for Nathan Fillion to arrive. Leonard is walking around here dressed as Boushh from Return of the Jedi."
"I'll have to go check out Penny," Hamish said.
"Thank you for getting us tickets to the con," Sheldon said.
"Oh, it was my pleasure," Hamish said. "Are your other friends here?"
"Yes, my girlfriend Amy, Raj, and Howard and his wife Bernadette are here. Amy and Bernadette wouldn't dress in costumes. It's embarrassing."
#
Penny was standing in front of the new Cosmos TV series booth talking to four teenage boys in character as Inara. One of the boys asked her, "What is the difference between a companion and a whore?" He added, "If you call a companion a two-bit whore, she'll hit you over the head with a sack of quarters." He and his friends laughed at the joke.
Just as a shocked Penny was about to respond, a man who walked up behind her said, "I can answer your question. A prostitute is someone who sells his or her body for money. A companion is a futuristic equivalent of a geisha. They are highly educated women who have been selected for their beauty and intelligence, who have impeccable morals, and who are schooled in all the social graces as well as psychology. I think you owe this young woman an apology."
"Uh, all right, we're sorry," the leader of the group said as they turned and started walking away. The young men looked over their shoulders at Penny.
"Yeah, keep walking," the man said. He turned to Penny and said, "I'm so sorry you had to put up with that."
"Thank you," Penny said, "but I can take care of myself."
"I'm sure you can," the man said, smiling. "I just feel some responsibility."
"I don't see how," Penny said. "If you will excuse me, I am supposed to stay in character."
"Certainly," the man said, a large grin spreading across his face.
#
Hamish was autographing a copy of his new book when his friend came up and sat next to him.
"Oh, hey," Hamish said.
"How's it going?" the man asked.
"We're selling books hand-over-fist," Hamish said.
"Where's my sweet Lori?" his friend asked.
"She's coming in tonight," Hamish said. "She had a meeting with a publisher."
"When am I going to get to meet this student of yours?" the man asked.
Hamish said, "She's working right now. She's at the Firefly booth dressed as Inara."
"No joke?" the man asked. "I was just there. Some teenage boys were hassling an extraordinarily beautiful young woman dressed as Inara. I stepped in, but she said she can take care of herself."
"You had better believe she can take care of herself," Hamish said as he wrote, "To Jennifer: May all your horizons be golden."
The young woman thanked him and stared at his friend.
"What's that?" the man asked, looking at what Hamish had written.
"It's what they say in my book," Hamish said. "Haven't you read it yet? I messengered you a copy."
"No, I've been too busy working on the pilot for this new show," the man said.
"By the way, when you met Penny-that's the woman dressed as Inara-did she recognize you?" Hamish asked.
"If she did, she didn't say anything," the man said.
"She hasn't been into science fiction that long," Hamish said. "I'm sure she knows your name, she just didn't recognize you. She probably wouldn't recognize Joss Whedon if he came up and talked to her either, although she is familiar with his work."
#
Hamish stood in the background with his friend as the panel assembled with the remaining members of the original Star Trek cast. Penny, dressed as Yeoman Rand, appeared with a tray of the coffee, tea, and soft drinks each had requested. The production staff had given her the same hair, makeup, and wardrobe as the original Yeoman Rand, including the huge false eyelashes and the skimpy mini-skirt. Grace Lee Whitney, who had originally played Yeoman Rand, took one look at Penny and said, "My goodness, is that how I looked? You are beautiful, uh..."
"My name is Yeoman Rand," Penny said, setting Ms. Whitney's Earl Gray tea in front of her. "Is there anything else I can get for you?"
"Oh, my: That is nice staying in character," George Takei said. "Grace, I am glad they got someone as beautiful as this Yeoman Rand to play you."
Hamish pointed to Penny and said, "That's Penny."
"Wow!" the man with him said. "She is beautiful enough to be an actress full-time."
"Funny you should mention that," Hamish said.
#
Penny finished removing her Yeoman Rand makeup and put on her Once Upon a Time T-shirt with a picture of Rumpelstiltskin and Belle. She put the lanyard with her convention pass on it around her neck.
"Are you going back to the hotel?" Sarah, who had played slave girl Princess Leia at the Star Wars booth, asked. "We could get a drink."
"No, there's a panel discussion about writing science fiction," Penny said. "Hamish Mankiller is going to be there. I would really like to see it. You're welcome to come with me."
A few minutes later, Penny sat in one of the ballrooms as Hamish Mankiller, Kim Harrison, Jim Butcher, Mercedes Lackey, and Charlaine Harris talked about writing in their respective genres. The man who had intervened with the teenagers at the Firefly booth walked up to Penny and said, "It is crowded in here. Do you mind if I take this seat next to you?"
"Sure," Penny said.
After the panel discussion had finished, Penny waited for the audience members to file out. She walked up to the stage, where audience members were chatting with the authors and getting autographs.
The man came up to Penny and asked, "I take it you're interested in writing?"
Penny said, "Yes, I am working with an agent right now. I haven't gotten paid for anything yet, but my agent thinks I can."
"What have you written?" the man asked.
Penny told him, in general terms, what she had written.
Hamish walked to the edge of the stage. He said, "Penny. I'm glad you met my friend David Bolt."
Penny looked at David and said, "David Bolt, as in Nine Tomorrows and the Galactic Empire series?"
"Yeah," David said. "Could we go somewhere and chat, you and Hamish and me? I wish Lori was here, but I've already talked to her."
#
A few minutes later, Penny, Hamish, and David sat at a table in the dark corner of the restaurant in the hotel next door. David slipped the young server some cash and said, "Karen, do me a favor and make sure no one but you comes over to table."
Penny sipped a glass of milk while David had coffee and Hamish drank Irn-Bru.
"I've never heard of Irn-Bru," Penny said.
"This is the only place in Las Vegas I can get it," Hamish said. "My mom introduced me to it when she took me to Scotland when I was little, and I've enjoyed it ever since. It's kind of their version of Coke: It's the most popular non-alcoholic drink in Scotland. If you look up Irn-Bru on YouTube, you will find some of the most outrageous commercials. I order it by the case from this place in Hollywood." Hamish ordered Penny an Irn-Bru, but David declined, saying he had tried it, and it just wasn't his drink.
"Penny," David said, "Or should I say Anathema, Hamish told me about your story, so I went to the fan fiction site and read it. It was wonderful."
"Hamish is a great teacher," Penny said. "I have learned so much from him, and, during the weeks I've been working with his wife, she has taught me a lot as well. Hamish and my boyfriend have had me watching your movies and TV shows."
"You have that spark that the great writers have," David said. "I understand that Hamish's wife Lori is working with you to get the story in shape to sell as a free-standing novel."
"That's right," Penny said. "My boyfriend and I had dinner with Hamish and Lori a couple of weeks ago, and Lori told me she wanted to represent me. We're changing all the references to the Firefly series so I won't be violating copyright."
David said, "I have a proposition for you. I've already spoken to Lori while you were going around in character, and she's cool with it. We'll just have to work out the details if you're game."
"What is it?" Penny asked.
David said, "Hamish and I are working on the pilot for a new series. The working name is Event Horizon. It takes place in deep space. It is actually a spin-off of my Nine Tomorrows TV series. I don't think anyone has done a spin-off from a TV series that has been off the air that long before-unless you count the different Star Trek spin-offs-and they certainly haven't tried one from a series that was canceled after 12 episodes. I want to introduce it in a second Ten Tomorrows movie entitled Eleven Tomorrows and then use it as the pilot for the series. It's about an assassin who double-crosses the government, forms a partnership with someone they hired her to assassinate, and then hides out on this world where they emphasize science and technology. After I read your fan fiction, I decided to change my plot around and adapt your story. Are you interested in selling me the TV and movie rights to your story? I told Lori I'm willing to release rights to the novel so you can still release it either as an independent novel or a Nine Tomorrows one."
"Well, uh," Penny said, looking at Hamish. "I couldn't make any decisions until I talk with my agent."
"Spoken like a true writer," David said. "Hamish said you have a fiancé. Why don't you, your fiancé, Hamish, Lori, and I have dinner tomorrow evening after Lori gets in and talk about it? I've hired Hamish to be the head writer, but he recommended that I hire you to assist him in adapting your story for the series. If one of the networks picks up the series, of course, I would want you and Hamish as the writers. Please talk to Lori, and we can discuss it tomorrow night."
#
Amy and Sheldon sat in the audience for the fan fiction panel discussion. The MC, who said she goes by the screen name Lady Fluff Puppy, read the next question: "For all the panel: How do you handle the hateful trolls who do nothing but slam your work, who make hateful personal attacks against you?"
One of the writers, with the nameplate Professor Proton in front of him, said, "I just ignore them. They are obviously from petulant, immature pre-teens who just want to act like big shots and get on the site and hurt. It's the same whenever you look at the comments sections for the online articles from newspapers or TV show sites. There are people who, no matter what the article's about, just want to get on the sites and make horribly hateful comments. I'm embarrassed for them."
"Same here," Mr. Fuzzyboots said. "What the people who slam your work and make hateful comments don't seem to accept is that the fan fiction sites were created to be safe havens where aspiring writers can come and test the waters. The way I look at it, all of us want to be the best writers we can be, and it doesn't help to come in and not have anything supportive to say. I'm so sick of reviewers whining that what I write is off-canon. If I were happy with canon on the shows and movies I write for, I wouldn't be writing fan fiction, I would just watch my DVDs. Constructive criticism I can certainly value, but hurtful nastiness is unnecessary and inappropriate. I look at the fanfic site I frequent as my writer's group."
"I disagree," Commander Spock said. "I think it helps if you have a take-no-prisoners approach to reviewing. If it sucks, say it sucks. I haven't read many good fan fiction works. I probably send in 20 negative reviews for every positive review."
"Really?" Lady Fluff Puppy asked. "How much have you published professionally that makes you such an authority?"
"Well, that's not the point," Commander Spock said.
"Humor me," Lady Fluff Puppy said.
"Yeah," Leeloo said. "What have you published professionally? What makes you the world's foremost authority?"
"To be honest, I've never published anything professionally for money. Everything I've published has had to be self-published," Commander Spock said. "There's this independent publishing house near where I lived called the He Has Risen Press, where ministers publish their sermons and family historians publish genealogies. If you pay them $250 plus $25 per book, they will publish as many copies of your books as you want. I've published a few books that way. More recently, I've gone to several fan fiction sites and published my books as e-books."
"How many have you sold?" Vaniel asked.
"Well, none," Commander Spock said."
"Nothing for money?" Mr. Fuzzyboots asked.
"No, nothing," Commander Spock said.
"Then you're just a narcissistic dilettante," Mr. Fuzzyboots said. "These people work their tails off on these stories and take a leap of faith when they submit them, and trolls like you come in just to tear down and hurt. How do your reviews look?"
"I don't read my reviews," Commander Spock said. "I don't take advice from people who write fan fiction."
"Figures," Leeloo said.
"I don't have to take this. I think you're all a bunch of writer wannabes and neverbes," Commander Spock said as he stood, turned, and disappeared behind the curtain.
The audience applauded as he left the stage.
#
Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, Howard, Amy, and Bernadette sat at the arena's food court.
"Is Penny still working?" Bernadette asked.
"No," Leonard said, placing his helmet on the table next to him and switching off the voice synthesizer. "She went to the science fiction writing panel discussion and left with Hamish. She texted me and said a friend of Hamish's wanted to meet her. They went to the restaurant next door and are talking."
"I was at the science fiction writing panel discussion too, before Amy and I went to the fan fiction panel," Sheldon said. "The science fiction panel was good. Writing science fiction and fantasy is harder than I ever thought. Just like everything else, I am going to have to spend a few weeks mastering the craft."
"Leonard, are you jealous that Penny spends so much time with Hamish?" Bernadette asked.
"No," Leonard said. "I was a little at first, but, now that I've seen them together and have seen Hamish with his wife, I don't think I have anything to worry about. I think Penny had a crush at first, but I think it's almost like a father-daughter relationship now."
Bernadette said, "You do know that the rest of us were concerned about and you Penny for a while there, don't you? We were afraid you were going to break up again."
"I was afraid of that too," Leonard said. "The night I left, when we had the fight Raj caused-thank you very much, by the way-I slept in my office. She came to my office the next morning after her class. We didn't get to talk much then, other than to agree that we both wanted to stay together, but we did talk that night and made up. I'm not going to embarrass her by blabbing the details, but we finally had that long talk we've needed to have for so long."
"So you're good?" Bernadette asked.
"Yeah," Leonard said. "We're still not engaged, but I feel some better about where we are. We at least have a cease-fire. I guess you could say we're engaged to be engaged, whatever that means."
"I feel better about where I am too," Sheldon said. "From hearing the science fiction and fantasy writers talk about their craft, it is obvious that I am so much more intelligent than they are, so it is equally obvious that, if they can write and get paid for it, I can too. It means that I need to learn to cater to the lowest common denominator and write stories that even those with inferior intelligence can understand. If they don't understand it and don't like it, I'll just have to work harder to dumb it down for them."
"Do tell," Leonard said.
#
Hamish and Penny walked back to the con to meet up with Leonard.
Hamish said, "Penny, I have been meaning to ask you, if you don't mind, how things worked out between you and Leonard. I have been seeing much more positive energy in your writing lately than I did there for a while, not to mention that the old Penny has been back in class."
"We worked it out-for now," Penny said. "He wants me to commit to when we're going to get married. We didn't come together on that, but we're going to continue talking about it. We agreed that we are definitely planning to get married. I've been more attentive to him since then: I've really been making an extra effort. I'm reminding myself to show him affection and not make him fight for every little bit of attention. I actually have something I need to tell him-something good-that might change things between us. You know, I think there's a good chance that we'll go directly to getting married without being engaged first."
"Have you told him that?" Hamish asked.
"No," Penny said. "Leonard would just take it the wrong way."
#
Sheldon sat at the table in his hotel room typing on his laptop. There was a knock at the door.
"Yes? Oh, hi, Amy," Sheldon said through the crack in the door.
"I thought I would come in for a bit," Amy said.
"Suit yourself," Sheldon said, opening the door.
"What are you doing?" Amy asked.
Sheldon said, "I wanted to do one more read-through on my latest chapter and then post it, but eight reviews and four PMs came in today, and Penny said the social convention is to respond."
Amy walked behind Sheldon and looked over his shoulder as he typed. She said, "I thought you and I might spend some time together, maybe catch a show or go to the casino. You know, the social convention for boyfriends and girlfriends is that they spend time together."
"Not gonna happen, Skidmark," Sheldon said. "I always post on Fridays, and this is Friday."
"Sheldon," Amy said, "We're paying all this money to be in Las Vegas. Maybe we should take advantage of it."
"I am," Sheldon said. "I've already taken two showers today and did not have to use the shampoo or soap I brought. I ate the free breakfast and went to the cookies and juice party after supper and plan to do both again tomorrow."
Amy sat on the bed watching Sheldon. She said, "I have an idea: There's a wedding chapel two blocks away. You can get married by a minister dressed as Spock. It's called the Final Frontier. Does that give you any ideas?"
Sheldon turned around and said, "I would like to see that. Maybe we could go watch the minister perform a wedding as Spock."
"Or we could get married," Amy said.
"Good one," Sheldon said. "You get your own Bazinga."
#
Penny crawled into bed next to Leonard after her shower wearing a pair of his sleep pants and one of his Dr. Who T-shirts. Leonard was reading the next Danger Boy comic. "You smell nice," he said. "Strawberry?"
"Raspberry shampoo," Penny said.
Penny took the comic book from Leonard's hands and put it on the nightstand.
"What's up?" Leonard asked.
"Come here," Penny said. "I'm going to do stuff to you."
#
Penny woke while it was still dark. She picked up her phone and saw that she had 45 minutes before time for her and Leonard to get up and get breakfast together before she had to report to hair, makeup, and wardrobe.
"What's wrong?" Leonard asked.
"I woke up, and I can't go back to sleep," she said. "I may as well cut off the alarm on my phone. If you want, I can get up and go get some juice while you get your last 45 minutes."
"Why don't both of us go on down?" Leonard asked. "We haven't tried the 24-hour cafe across the street. We could go ahead and start breakfast. I could leave emails for the others so they can join us if they want."
Leonard and Penny started getting dressed.
"Are you worried about something?" Leonard asked. "You woke up and couldn't go back to sleep yesterday morning, and I know you were awake at least until 3:00 this morning because I kept hearing you moving around."
"I'm feeling worried about a couple of things," Penny said. "One of the things I'm worrying about is I know you want me to commit to when we're going to get married. I think we've been getting along better since we sort of agreed on a cease-fire, but I feel as if I owe you more."
"I think we've been getting along better too," Leonard said.
They rode down in the elevator, just the two of them.
"Leonard," Penny said. "I still sense some stress between us."
"I do too," Leonard said.
"You know something?" Penny said, "I have really been making an effort to be more attentive, more affectionate with you since that night when you stormed out."
"I've noticed. I appreciate that," Leonard said.
Leonard and Penny reached the ground floor. They left the hotel and walked across the street and down one block in the dark to the 24-hour cafe. They both ordered coffee. The server assured them that, at this hour, they were fine taking a large table even though their friends had not arrived yet, since the breakfast crowd usually did not come in for at least another hour. Penny looked at her coffee, thought for a moment, and ordered apple juice. She ordered the Lumberjack Breakfast, while Leonard ordered a Heart-Smart Egg White Breakfast Burrito with a side of fruit and whole-grain granola.
When the server had left, Penny asked, "Leonard, why do you want to marry me? Why isn't what we have now enough?"
Leonard said, "For me, marriage is the ultimate commitment. It says I promise I'll be there for you for the rest of our lives. I'm so ready to do that with you. Heck, I'm not just ready to do it, I have to do it. I have been ready for that for so long. I want us to start a future together."
Penny took Leonard's hand and asked, "I know you wanted me to propose to you, but is your last proposal still on the table?"
"Of course," Leonard said.
"Then we'll need to talk about that," Penny said. "Do you realize you haven't told me you love me since the night we had the fight?"