So throughout this entire series my brain was just like "SUZAKU WHAT ARE YOU DOING GAAAH" until the very end at which point my heart broke and I HAD to write this.
Enjoy, my lovely people.
And in case you were wondering, yes, I did sob while writing this.
Suzaku's Elegy
"Come on! You have to run fast if you want to beat me. You can't slow down."
"But you're so much faster than I am. I could never beat you anyway."
"Sure you can! You just have to keep trying."
"What would you do if I just took a shortcut?"
"That's wrong. You shouldn't do that, Lelouch."
"...I know. I wouldn't do that, Suzaku."
The memories are stronger than ever now. Not the bad ones, like you would think. It's only the good ones now. It's funny. I'm trying so hard to remember why I hated him so much for such a long time, and I just can't remember why. Why I made it my mission, my life purpose, to destroy him. All I can remember is his smile. We used to joke around a lot, he and I. And we loved to tell each other stories at night before we fell asleep. I remember that he liked to hear Japanese folktales, which worked out well, because I loved to tell them. It made me feel closer to the earth on which I stood. He would tell me stories, too. They were always full of fantasy and drama, always so beautiful and meaningful. I knew he was making them up, but I didn't really care. We made each other laugh. We would race a lot, too. It was one of my favorite things. I would always beat him, every single time, no matter what. I remember looking back as I let the wind carry me and seeing him miles and miles and miles behind, reaching out, panting, still smiling. But he could never win.
Maybe it's because he was carrying so much on his back.
I wonder why he smiled. He was losing, wasn't he? So why did he always smile? Until the very end? He took his last breath smiling so divinely, just like he always used to. I don't think I'll ever figure it out. I suppose there are a lot of things I'll never figure out, what he really wanted being one of them. Why he was willing—no, why he was determined, to smear his own hands with blood. They were never all that clean, I guess, but he still looked at them and said, "They should be dirtier." I don't know why.
Then again, I did the same thing.
I can't explain it. I ask myself a lot, of course.
Why did I take on the burdens of others so willingly?
I don't know.
Maybe it was to convince myself that I was lessening my own burdens, which have always been so heavy. Crushing. I guess it doesn't really matter why now. Even though the why used to be the only thing that mattered to me.
I want to go back to that place, where I truly believed that the end never justifies the means, but I don't think I ever will. Not after what I've done. And no matter how much I try to convince myself, I didn't do it because I was forced to do it. It's never what I've been forced to do. It's just what I've done.
I'm happy that the world doesn't know who I really am, because in the end, I don't even know who I really am. In a way, Suzaku Kururugi really is dead and buried, his name left to be forgotten as the knight of a tyrannical emperor. The Japanese soldier who used betrayal to get where he wanted to be, who had no sense of loyalty or dignity. And now, Suzaku Kururugi is dead. He's gone forever. And I hope, deep inside of my heart, that nobody will remember his name. I'm trying to forget it myself. Maybe after enough time passes, I will.
"Tell me another story, Suzaku."
"Ugh, I'm so tired."
"Maybe if you didn't run around all day like a monkey!"
"Hey! I'm not a monkey!"
"Please? Just one more?"
"All right, all right, which story do you want to hear?"
"Hmm. The one about the princess."
"You've heard that one about a billion times."
"A billion more."
"Okay, Lelouch. Whatever you say."
I sit in darkness, darkness that I've created, and I hold the mask in my lap. It makes my hands burn, but the burning is like liberation. Every bone in my body aches, but the aching is like liberation. The requiem is playing over and over in my head. Memories, words, expressions, all jumbled up to create that beautiful symphony that I have finally completed. Nobody else can hear it, though. Just me. Just me and this mask, smeared with blood and sacrifice and contaminated with my breaths. I once abhorred this mask. I dreamt about taking it in my hands and crushing it. Now, in my darkness, I hold it tightly.
The last time I cried this hard was when Euphy died.
Tears have been flowing for days now. Since the moment I thrust forward my sword, as I've done so many times in the past, the tears have been flowing. I think there was a river inside of me getting wider and wider, pushing more harshly against the dam holding it back. And at that moment, as the only real friend I ever had slipped from my fingers, his breath taken by my own sword, the dam didn't just break. It was obliterated. And then his blood became my blood. Bestowed so sacrificially onto this mask and passed onto me. I accepted it so willingly. And he gave it up so willingly.
His own life became a pawn. But as I cry these tears, I like to think that he was still a king. And I, his loyal knight.
He used to say something about that. When he played chess.
"If the king does not lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"
He truly was brilliant. As I recall that look in his eyes, I still tremble. There was always a sparkle there, more dramatic and more bright than the sun. Something was always there behind those eyes. Gears turning in his head, decisions being made in moments. As he ripped his own heart apart, his eyes sparkled like diamonds. It scared people. It intimidated them. That's why he always won his games. He never lost once. Not against the emperor, not against Schneizel, not against me. Not even against god. He won every single game. Just like I used to win every single race. There was never really any competition.
It's because he was so willing to use himself.
Just like me. That's why I am Zero now and he is not. He never was. And I never will be, really. Zero is simply Zero, a symbol of hope and liberty. So we don this mask and we use ourselves, let ourselves be used by the world and then thrown away with our names tarnished for eternity. He sacrificed himself to the mask and the world that bowed to it. Of course, his name will never be forgotten. It will be remembered. Spoken with angry tongues and disenchanted lips—an even worse fate than that of my own name.
I wish I could stop crying, but I just can't. If I could remember why I hated him so much, maybe I could. But at this point, that's simply impossible. All I can remember about him are his daring smile, his glistening eyes, his stories, the excitement in his movements when he played chess. The way he begged me to tell him stories, to carry Nunnally when he was too tired, to protect her when he was too burdened. It's okay. That's all I want to remember, anyway.
"Wait, please, Suzaku, I can't go anymore."
"But...why are you crying?"
"I just don't know what to do. I want to keep carrying her, but it's so hard."
"Hey, Lelouch, it's okay. I'll carry her for you."
"Y-you will?"
"Sure! That's what friends are for, right?"
"But you don't have to carry her all the way, just until I catch my breath."
"You know that I'll carry her whenever you need me to, don't you?"
"Do you promise? You'll never let her get left behind?"
"I promise."
"Even if I can't go anymore? You'll make sure she's okay?"
"Of course."
"Thanks, Suzaku. You really are the best."
I think that he loved Euphy just as much as I did. That's why I can't understand it. Out of everything he worried about, out of everything he thought about, what other people understood was never in the picture. He couldn't have cared less whether people understood what he was doing. He just did what he felt was right and threw himself to the mercy of the blind, ravenous world, a world of which I was a part. That's the reason why people spit at his grave now.
There are so many things I don't understand, so many things I will never understand, and I wish that I could just be happy not understanding them. But still, when I lay awake at night trying to fall into sleep's caress, I find myself thinking about everything I don't understand. All I understand is that he loved Euphy. He loved Shirley, too. I saw it in his eyes when he was on his knees, begging for my friendship. He tried to lie to me. But I know his eyes better than I know my own. I can see his thoughts through them, and I saw him. Lying to me. Just like he lied to so many other people. The only difference is that I could tell, and I suppose I understand that now. He lied because he didn't care about himself. He didn't care if I hated him, if I thought he was despicable, if I believed that he actually used Geass on Euphy for his own benefit. He didn't care about any of that.
Which, in the end, is the reason it mattered so much.
I don't think I ever told him that I forgave him. I never said, "I forgive you."
I want him to be here just so that I can look him in the eyes, like mirrors into both of our souls, and tell him. It scares me more than anything. The thought that he died thinking that I hate him, that I could never forgive him, that I was happy to see his blood be spilled. When, in reality, I loved him like a brother. I forgave him for everything and anything. It killed me to kill him.
And he'll never know that.
He'll never know that I loved him from the very beginning to the very end. The entire time, I loved him.
The night after it happened, after I first put on this mask, I went back to the shrine. I didn't take the mask with me, though. I put on my traditional Japanese clothing and stood in the spot where he had stood, where we had both stood, holding hands and smiling because we knew we had at least one real friend in the world. I got down on my knees as my tears dropped to the ground; I clenched the gravel in my fists until I felt my palms bleed. Then I turned my hands up and looked at the sky. It was so dark. My screams rang out into the night, made it even darker.
I cursed him for making me hate him for so long.
I cursed him for taking on my burden.
I cursed him for taking on the burden of the world.
I cursed him for sacrificing his life so willingly.
I cursed him for making me live when I wanted so badly to die, at that very moment more than any.
And then I started to scream more loudly.
I told him that I forgave him.
I told him that I missed him.
I told him that I loved him.
I told him that I wanted to hear his stories.
I told him what it had meant to me to have a real friend.
I told him that I would forever be the Knight of Zero.
I begged him to come back so that I could tell him.
I don't know if he was listening, but I hope that he was. I hope more than anything that he was.
I told him one more thing before I left that shrine, vowing to never come back.
I told him that I was going to keep my promise. Even though he was gone...even though he could go no further...I was going to keep my promise and carry his burdens for him.
Nameless, hidden in darkness, shedding perpetual tears.
I will continue to play the Zero Requiem for you, Lelouch. And it will play forever, on and on and on, as Suzaku's Elegy begins to die.
"Hey, Suzaku?"
"Yeah, Lelouch?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Anything."
"We're friends, aren't we?"
"Of course."
"Are we best friends?"
"The absolute best."
"Y-you mean it?"
"Yes. You're my best friend in the whole world, Lelouch."
"Can I ask you one more thing, Suzaku?"
"Sure."
"Will...will we be friends forever?"
"What a silly question!"
"Wha—?"
"Of course we will."
Lelouch smiled, just as he always did, and reached over to grab my hand.
"You're my best friend in the whole world too, Suzaku."
"Forever?" I asked.
"Forever."