Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is not mine. I apologize for my idiotic confusion about the season finale in the last chapter. Final exams are soon to be upon me and my brain is very close to being chowder. Anyone not specifically in the series is probably mine. Lorraine and her critter buddies particularly are mine – you can use them if you ask me nicely!
Author's Note: Yes, I've been listening to Christmas music in April again… This happens sometimes.
Ch. 6 – O Christmas Tree
It took some careful arranging in the Civic, but Lorraine and Garcia manage to shove all their Lowe's purchases into the back seat. Now, the two of them sang along in surprising tunefulness to the Christmas music on the radio. Garcia had her tablet in front of her, reading off directions to the Christmas tree place. Held at a farmer's market just a little ways off, it shouldn't be too hard to get to. At a loud, obnoxious commercial break, Lorraine switched off the radio. As best she while driving, she turned to Garcia.
"So, I've never been tree shopping by myself," she confessed, looking not a bit embarrassed. "What kind of tree do you think Spencer would want?"
The blonde thought for a moment, tapping away at her tablet – she could wing the rest of the directions.
"Frasier fir is forever and ever the best," she declared to Lorraine's undying agreement – not scratchy and stays alive longest. "I'm all for a gigantic one!"
Lorraine practically vibrated with excitement – something told her she'd be on the same wavelength as this lady!
"Gigantic is the best kind!" she nearly squeaked. "My mom always wanted to get a little Charlie Brown tree and put white lights on it. Dad and I always outvoted her on the size, but she got her white lights every other year…"
Garcia looked vaguely sad for a moment, but the two ladies shared a laugh as they tumbled out of the Civic. The wind kicked up, bringing a tiny flurry of snow with it. Lorraine let out what was unmistakably a giggle and took off for the wall of beautiful evergreens. The sheer number of Frasier firs in all sizes was staggering. For a moment, Garcia – who normally used a sparkly pink acrylic tree – wondered how they were ever going to find just one. The redhead, visible by her trailing braid, dashed further on. Garcia could see her examining tree after tree, some for only a second and some for longer. Without a clue what the other woman might be looking for, the analyst followed at a more sedate pace. When she caught up, she found Lorraine in conversation with an elder gentleman in ancient Levi's and a flannel overcoat. He smiled as they talked, gesturing at a tree nearly ten feet tall. Lorraine's face said "This is it – without a doubt, this is the one."
"Um… Lorraine?" Garcia asked, trying to tread carefully as she approached the two in conversation. "How are we going to get that thing back to the boy wonder's apartment? Once we get it there, how do we get it in his apartment? After that, how do we put it up?"
Lorraine continued calmly scribbling away in her checkbook, asking the gentleman if he could do that convenient net-wrapping thing.
"Have you got anybody else we can call?" she asked, handing the check to the gent and shaking his hand. The two ladies watched as the man's two large, burly sons took the tree off its stand and sent it through the wrapper. "If not, I know we can manage it!"
The two younger men grunted as they heaved the giant tree up on top of Lorraine's car and tethered it securely there. Garcia began to wonder about the speech therapist's sanity. There was no way, in heaven or in Hell, that the two of them were getting a ten-foot tree into Spencer's apartment alone. She went through her tablet and wondered if Hotch had fixed his kitchen situation. Nodding to Lorraine, she hit the "call" button and stepped away to take care of this, hopefully quickly.
"Hotchner here," said the voice on the other end, sounding somewhat muffled – the sound of a crash caused Garcia to draw back automatically. "It's all right, Jack – I don't think that lamp is breakable!"
A few more shouts from the eight-year-old and Hotch was able to focus on the phone.
"Garcia, is anything wrong?" the team's head asked, juggling a few snowmen. He listened as carefully as he could to the analyst's rather rushed string of babble. Something making terrible noise in the background made her rather hard to hear. From what he could gather, though, she needed his help with something. "I understand… I'm… just a little busy at the moment and Jack…"
Another bang!
"Dad, can we go help Aunt Penelope?" the eight-year-old's voice got picked up over the cell phone.
Garcia could hear the wheels turning in the honcho's head. Another crash answered the boy and Hotch held back from using an exceptionally bad word. After another few loud sounds and Lorraine's muttered cursing at the Christmas tree, Garcia extracted a promise to meet at Spencer's apartment in thirty. Hotch hung up his cell phone and set the snowmen on the couch to be dealt with at a later point in time. Right now, it had just become time to wrestle Jack into coat and hat and gloves and all. The little boy had been circling the Christmas proceedings like greased lightning. Maybe a change of scenery would settle him out a little. Father and son went to the closet to start adding layers on layers.
Back at the Christmas tree farmer's market, Lorraine and Garcia squeezed their way into the Civic and started for Spencer's apartment. The decorations in the back required a little more shifting to make room for the wreath. Neither lady had been able to find a reason not to pick that up! They chatted about design ideas with Lorraine intermittently swearing at traffic. She took the Civic into the parking lot on two wheels like usual, causing Garcia to yell. The analyst checked with Morgan one more time, receiving confirmation that they would stay out. Retrieving the extra key Spencer had entrusted her with, she grabbed some bags and led the way to the boy genius's apartment. Lorraine followed with the three-foot nutcracker and as many bags as she could carry.
They almost felt like they were doing something bad as they nudged the door open and looked around. The feeling, however, did not stay long as they took a good look around the small, somewhat empty-looking apartment. Spencer had minimal furniture and the carpet remained dismally clean. It looked like it really didn't get… lived in. The space looked as if it were just something to exist in. Lorraine looked very sad for a moment, but she brightened again at the sight of all the bags Garcia up-ended on the couch. First, she set the nutcracker beside the television, like a sentinel to guard the DVD collection.
Garcia started into the garlands as Lorraine, a bit more comfortable poking around, went on the hunt for a hammer. She found the tacks, but it didn't look like the genius owned anything to whack them in with! The redhead, standing precariously on a couch arm, tried in vain to push a tack in the drywall. Garcia had set up the light-up penguins close to the kitchen doorway. Once they had unloaded all the tree ornaments from bags, there wasn't much left to do! Lorraine got Snoopy set up beside the couch, sleeping on his snowy doghouse. All that was left involved hammers or putting the tree up… Again, the technical analyst came to the rescue.
"JJ!" she exclaimed when the other blonde picked up the phone, sounding perky but in a great rush. "Have you got a hammer we could borrow?"
The other end of the phone went very quiet as JJ decided how to answer that – anything that required handing Garcia a hammer made her nervous. She grabbed the Nerf-sword away from Will and insisted on Henry calming down. Turning her attention back to the phone, she asked what on earth Garcia needed a hammer for and what she meant by "we."
"Spencer's girlfriend and I are turning his apartment into 'Christmas threw up on it' because he's been such a Grinch lately," the analyst told her. Garcia could nearly hear the blonde's ears perk up. "Okay, so Lorraine and I can count on seeing you in twenty? Bring Will and Henry too! Hotch is stopping by because we can't lift the Christmas tree."
JJ paused again, staring at the phone.
"You got him a tree?" she asked for confirmation – then her voice brightened. "That's so sweet! Will and Henry and I would love to come help!"
A collective "Help with what?" echoed from both her boys.
"We'll be there in about twenty, if Henry's good about getting his winter gear on," JJ confirmed, nodding to Will to start on the aforementioned dressing. The boy giggled and kicked. As her husband wrangled their son, she told Garcia, "Plus, I think it's time we all meet Spencer's girlfriend!"
Garcia laughed into her tablet.
"I promise you, she's almost a match for me in awesomeness!" she chirped. "Oh, if you could stop by the cake shop and grab some cookies or something…"
The sentence wasn't even complete before JJ told her to consider it done and suggested ordering a couple of pizzas. As soon as she hung up with Garcia, she flicked through her contact list and found Prentiss's number. They both thought of Spencer as an almost-brother, so she should be included in helping. The conversation went quickly – Prentiss, of course, wanted to help! She agreed to drop by the HomeGoods and see about picking up some more decorations. Lights and all were good, but things like cookie jars and candle-sticks were more Prentiss's style of design.
Back at the profiler's apartment, quickly becoming strewn with packaging and garland-sheddings, Garcia turned to Lorraine, smiling.
"This is actually turning into quite the little Christmas party!" she exclaimed, nearly sparkling in sheer delight. "JJ's gonna bring cookies, so why don't you get on the horn for pizza! As soon as JJ gets here, Will – that's her husband – can help us help Hotch with the tree!"
Lorraine looked up from her careful arrangement of "snow" around Snoopy's doghouse – she had butchered some cotton balls to cover his plug-in. Agreeing, she flipped open her phone and called the closest Pizza Hut. Looking out of the window, she sighed as she discovered that it had started to snow in earnest. Big, puffy white flakes floated past the windows. Somehow, having grown up in the South, she had never gotten over the excitement that accompanied snow. She danced about to the Christmas 'hold-please' music. In a few seconds, she ordered two cheese pizzas, a veggie, and a couple of two-liters. Thanking the young lady on the other end, the redhead returned to the ornaments.
"Garcia?" she asked more than stated as she looked up from the sparkly gold glitter-covered orbs. The analyst struggled with a garland that looked like it wanted to eat her. "What should I get Spencer for Christmas?"
The blonde sat down heavily on the couch, still wrestling the garland.
"Do we need to go shopping again?" she asked in response, easily anticipating the 'yes' that answered her. "Well, I can tell you for sure the boy would be more than happy just to spend it with you, but I know you want to get him something. I hear you took him to see Wicked for your first date?"
Lorraine turned just as red as her hair and confirmed that to be true.
"You know, anytime he thought nobody could hear him, he wouldn't shut up about that for weeks," the tech-genius went on. "I thought he'd be the first to go screaming into the night from a musical! Whatever it is you've got, he likes – he really is very happy with you."
The redhead turned an impressive shade of magenta, but Garcia made to keep going – before she could get another word out, though, Lorraine exploded.
"A fountain pen!" she blurted out. "He's always complaining that he loses pencils all the time. You don't think he'd lose a fountain pen, do you?"
Garcia had to laugh out loud.
"Sweetie, I think if it was from you, we'd have a hard time getting him to let go of it!" she giggled, giving the garland a shove. "There's a beautiful shop that has all these fountain pens – we should go soon!"
Lorraine agreed and popped up when the knock came at the door. She bounced over to look out the peephole. The rather harried-looking man from the Lowe's and an eight-year-old boy stood on the other side. Exclaiming "Come on in!" the redhead opened the door. Jack didn't have to be told twice, bee-lining over to Garcia for a bear hug. Hotch followed a bit more slowly, excusing himself past Lorraine. She smiled brilliantly and stuck her hand out for him to shake.
"I'm Doctor Lorraine Quinn," she told him, giving him a firmer handshake than he would have expected. "I'm sure you must be Agent Hotchner!"
Hotch gave the redhead one of his rare smiles, nodding and confirming this – next moment, he gestured and Jack joined them.
"Jack, want to say hi to Doctor Quinn?" he guided his son, who already knew to shake hands – he knew by watching his dad! "She's Uncle Spencer's… special friend."
Lorraine laughed and shook the boy's hand warmly.
"You can call me Miss Lorraine, if you want, Jack," she told him – the kid had a smile just like his dad's. "I'm not a schoolteacher or anything."
The boy gave her a great big smile, featuring newly-grown-in permanent front teeth that looked a bit too large just yet.
"So, the Christmas tree," Hotch got right to business. "I would have thought you ladies would have had it up and plugged in by now."
Both ladies laughed, Garcia continuing to struggle with the garland, and gestured at the space where they had shoved furniture out of the way.
"See, Agent Hotchner," Lorraine began, trying to stifle her laughter. "We didn't get a plug-in tree. That's… kinda what all the lights are for. We got a real tree! It's a Frasier fir, ten-footer!"
Hotch, for once in his life, looked mildly intimidated. How in the name of heaven did these two not-large-at-all ladies get a ten-foot tree? Jack joined Garcia in attempting to untangle the garland. Failing that, he reached for the plastic packaging containing a silver tinsel garland. Maybe it would be more manageable than the huge faux-evergreen one! His dad, still talking to Miss Lorraine, established that they should probably wait a bit. Aunt JJ and Uncle Will would be there soon with Henry. Piping up, Jack agreed that it would be easier with his dad and Uncle Will moving the tree. Smiling again, Hotch tried not to look too pleased, beaming at his son.
Another knock on the door a few minutes later announced the arrival of the LaMontagne-Jareau family. Lorraine just hollered "Door's open!" and returned to attempting to knock in a tack with one of Jack's shoes. The boy had obligingly kicked off his Chuck Taylors to aid the 'lack of hammer' situation. Using the shoe, the three of them – Lorraine, Garcia, and Jack – had made some decent headway with the garland. Henry LaMontagne made it in first as soon as Hotch opened the door, blowing by the man to tackle Jack. JJ didn't even bother to remind him running was for outside as she followed. Will just laughed, shaking snow off his scarf.
"So where's this monster of a tree?" he asked in that accent of his. "It's gotta be somethin' if it takes half the BAU to get it up here!"
Garcia got up from the garland-draped couch, caught the keys Lorraine tossed her, and led the way to the parking garage. While JJ chased Henry around, trying to remove his soggy coat and wet boots, the guys followed the analyst. Lorraine and JJ and the boys heard a round of "Excuse me's" in the outside hallway. Prentiss shucked out of her big coat and gloves, shaking snow out of her hair and hugging both boys. Two seconds later, the dark brunette wasted no time in joining with the garland-untangling.
"You must be Agent Prentiss!" Lorraine declared in a muffled voice over the tinsel in her teeth. Awkwardly, she stuck her hand out and transferred the garland to the grip of her shoulder and chin. "I'm Doctor Lorraine Quinn. I've heard so much about you!"
The brunette turned pink about the cheeks in a way that had nothing to do with just coming in from the snow!
"You're welcome to call me Emily," she offered amiably. "I'm trying this new thing of just being an agent when I'm actually on the clock."
JJ and Garcia shared a snort of laughter and carefully stared at the decorations they were working on. Prentiss fastidiously ignored this and kindly interrupted the tug-of-war Jack and Henry had started over a knotted portion of garland. Together, the three of them worked at the knot. Both boys crowed in delight at their achievement as Prentiss handed up the newly-freed length to Lorraine. Frighteningly enough, the redhead still stood on her toes on the arm of the couch, using Jack's shoe as a hammer. After a moment or two of watching in disbelief, JJ got up to rummage through her purse. She hadn't forgotten what Garcia opened their conversation with…
"Oh! Thank you so much!" exclaimed the speech therapist, dropping the small Converse and accepting the hammer from the blonde. "This makes things so much easier!"
The garland started to go up with much less fuss with more capable hands working on it. Garcia and JJ did most of the untangling while Prentiss supervised the boys, Lorraine doing the nailing. Before too long, the boys got bored with the untangling process and went after the candy canes. Yes, it had been Lorraine's brilliant idea to grab a load of giant candy cane decorations. They were some kind of sturdy hard plastic – perfect for use as swords! JJ shouted a warning and Prentiss got up to move everything not bolted down. As long as they didn't get too carried away, the two boys should be fine. Besides, JJ now balanced on the back of Spencer's couch, trying to steady the garland. Lorraine let out a yell that she managed to turn into "God bless England!" for the sake of small ears as she whacked herself on the knuckle.
Out on the hall, a collection of voices seemed to have forgotten about the small ears entirely. Prentiss, being the only one with free hands, trying to cover at least Henry's ears – Jack knew better than to repeat those words. The eight-year-old dashed to the door and threw it as wide open as he could. Next second, his dad and Uncle Will struggled in with a dead Ent on their shoulders. Garcia followed, trying to hold up the back end of the trunk and avoiding the sticky, sap-covered end. Lorraine leapt down from the couch, dodged Jack and Henry's resumed swordplay, and went for the Lowe's bags again. She found the tree stand and realized she probably should have grabbed that first. JJ yelled at Will for his language around the boys, climbing down as well to help Lorraine with the box. Prentiss clambered up on the couch-back with the hammer to continue fighting the garland.
With a collective effort, the two men and three ladies managed to wedge the tree into the stand. Jack and Henry, with some direction, wriggled down under the tree to turn the metal rods into the trunk. Garcia emerged from the kitchen with a glass of water. She emptied that into the stand's reservoir and then went back for another, repeating this process three or four times. The boys returned to their swordfight as Hotch excused himself, stepping outside a moment. When he returned a moment later, he found the ladies going through ornaments. JJ had gone into her bag again and retrieved some Tulip paints. With newspaper spread out, she encouraged everyone to put their name on a plain ball. It had been Lorraine's idea, she explained.
"We still have all the ones back home we made when I was a kid," the redhead told everyone. She had Henry in her lap, helping him carefully write his name in Christmas red on a champagne-colored ball. "I didn't grow up with siblings, so there's one for me, my mom, my dad, and every pet we ever had."
Henry smiled up at Lorraine as she took the ornament from him to add a little tiny Christmas tree beside his name. The redhead handed the ornament to JJ – she had retrieved an egg-carton to use as a drying rack. All around Spencer's living room, the rest of the team had settled down to make their own ornaments. The tree had to settle out anyway, they reasoned. One by one, the egg-carton's little divots were filled with drying painted ornaments. Giggling, Lorraine insisted on making one that had both Hawkeye and Everett's names on it. This, she accompanied with two different-sized paw prints. When nearly everyone had added their ornaments to the carton, there came another knock at the door.
"If you're not Morgan, my boyfriend, or a psychopath, come on in!" yelled Lorraine – surprisingly, none of the team objected to this. Perhaps it was their version of a Christmas truce with the big, bad world. "Heck, come make an ornament!"
David Rossi nudged the door open, asking back "Make an ornament?"
"Doctor Lorraine Quinn – pleased to meet you!" the redhead announced herself to the Italian, catching his hand for a good shake. "And…"
"David Rossi," he cut her off before she could guess – he had a sixth sense now for when people were about to info-vomit. Looking around, he smiled at his entire team, plus a few, strewn about the profiling prodigy's living room floor. Jack had paint on his shirt and Prentiss sat adding flourishes to her name. "You know, they just did this for my brother's little twins' third grade Christmas."
Lorraine gave the agent a brilliant smile and returned to the floor.
"I was in third grade when they did this for us too!" she told him proudly. "I've always wanted to pass along the idea, but my kids have paws. Come on, Agent Rossi – you've got to make one too!"
For a moment, everyone but the boys blanched – David Rossi did NOT do things like that! After another second, though, the Italian shed his Gucci leather coat and set it on top of the growing pile of outerwear. To everyone's (including seemingly his) complete surprise, he joined the team on the floor. Jack handed his Uncle Dave a tube of white paint and a shiny red ball ornament.
"You put your name on it and then decorate it!" the eight-year-old instructed, carefully showing the agent his own ornament. "Miss Lorraine did a little tiny Christmas ornament on mine! She's Uncle Spencer's special friend, Dad said."
Hotch looked up from the tiny candy cane he was fastidiously drawing on his own ornament.
"Jack, it's impolite to refer to someone as 'he' or 'she' if the person is right there," he reminded the boy.
"Sorry, Miss Lorraine," Jack apologized immediately, showing her those big front teeth in an obliging smile.
The redhead smiled back, returning to the arm of the couch to fix the garland.
"Perfectly all right," she assured him. "Thank you very much for being so polite!"
Jack beamed, first at Lorraine and then at his dad – Hotch smiled back and thanked his son before returning to his candy cane. For a good long while, the team simply conversed and worked on their ornaments. Surprisingly artistic, Will had done the top of his in a complicated snowflake pattern. While that dried, Henry asked, very nicely for a four-year-old, if his could be like that too. Of course, his daddy obliged! JJ had a lovely rendition of her signature on her ornament, but kept having to wipe off the gingerbread man and start over. After a while, Garcia's cell phone began to ring. She glanced at the sparkly pink ball drying in the egg-carton and mentally deemed it perfect. Next second, she flipped open the cellular apparatus.
"Speak to me, my absolute hero of this day!" she chirped at what had to be, by this point, an irate Derek Morgan.
The team all shushed each other in attempt to hear Morgan through the phone.
"You have no idea how big you owe me, Baby Girl," grunted the toughest member of the BAU. "Your favorite boy genius is about to land me in a rubber room!"
Garcia suppressed a snort of laughter at that mental image.
"Well, put a leash on him or something and bring him on home," she instructed brightly, ignoring JJ's pointed glare. "You two both have ornaments to make, cookies to eat, and stuff to marvel at!"
Morgan decided he probably didn't even want to know what half of that meant, but he trusted his pretty Mama.
"Kid!" he shouted after hanging up with Garcia. Spencer's unruly, sandy head popped up and the genius started towards him. "Come on! I've had it with this place. Let's get you home!"
Spencer reappeared at his friend's side with a red plastic bag on his arm and his mouth shut. Glad not to have a spiel to deal with at present, Morgan led the younger man back through the mall. They made it to the Metro stop with relative ease. Throughout the trip, neither of them felt the need to say a word. As they got closer, though, Morgan began to wonder about the bag's contents. When he dashed off, the kid had said he had the perfect idea. They had been to several stores, not seeing whatever it was. Now, apparently, he had it.