Panchito Chased Panchito Around the Block and Down the Street

Panchito walked down the street from the police station realizing that he had nowhere to sleep that night. So he started walking down a familiar street. At the end of this familiar street, which conveniently named Familiar Street, was a cul-de-sac. In the center of said cul-de-sac was the house of Terry Dicks.

Terry Dicks. The IT Guy. The Nerd. The pocket protecting wearing straight man. The guy who moved out of his house at age 28. He is now 33.

Terry's house was simple, plain, not really flashy. The kind of house that see in television commercials. White picket fence kind of thing.

Panchito knocked on the door. Terry opened it, saw the rooster, said "Fuck you" and shut the door.

Panchito shrugged his shoulders. "It's alright Terry," he said, "I know you love me. I'm irresistible."

"Panchito, sic him!" Terry called from inside the house.

"You want me to sic myself?" Panchito asked. "Okay." He grabbed his tail feathers and lifted himself off the ground. He was a magician after all.

The rooster unfortunately did not hear the sound of a gigantic Great Dane who was the literal size of a horse break the door down and stare at his prey. The dog barked. Panchito smiled meekly and waved.

"So," Panchito said, admittedly afraid, "you're Panchito."

The dog stepped forward and barked again, slobber fell from his chin. Panchito smiled big much like Cheshire Cat. "Nice to meet you too."

Panchito, the dog, barked again then time, Panchito, the rooster, ran around the cul-de-sac. The dog chased him.

Panchito chased Panchito for three hours. During that time, the rooster was screaming for help.

"Terry!" He said. "Call this beast off!"

"Fuck you!" Terry said. "This is payback for ruining my life!"

"Oh Terry, come on," Panchito said as he slowed down a bit, "after all we've been through you're going to treat me like that?"

He stopped running. The dog came up behind him and almost bit his tail feathers off. The rooster simply placed a feathered hand on the dog's head and leaned nonchalantly. The rooster looked down at his chaser.

"Take a rest hombre," he said. "I have to say something."

The rooster stopped leaning and took a step forward, as if he were going to make a speech.

"Terry, I have been a friend to you for years, and I can honestly say that I have treated you better than anyone else on this boring street and you're all I got. Please, just one more night, for old time sake?"

"No!" Terry cried, he turned off all the lights and headed to bed. "Good night Panchito!"

The dog walked back towards the house.

"Adios you stupid dog." Panchito said. Panchito the Great Dane heard this, he turned around and resumed the chase. This time, down Familiar Street and down to Corner Street, which was the perpendicular intersection. Panchito, the rooster, ran as fast as he possibly could but the dog was right on his heels.

"Not cool man!" The rooster said, "Not cool!"

This chase disturbed Jose, who lived at the corner of the two streets. The parrot was sleeping soundly in what he called his tropical hammock. Literally. It was a hammock, which served as his bed that had a large heater under it. But it wasn't a lame heater. It was a heater that rich people have. In other words, it had pretty lights. Red, green, blues, and yellows gently filled this guys insanely massive room (that had a samba dance floor, a disco ball, which was always on and rotating). Jose also had a roommate.

In case you didn't know, there was a Fourth Caballero. He's a Cuban Trogon, his name was Cesar. This guy was a combination of the Three Caballeros. He had Donald's temper, Panchito's outlook, and Jose's suave (when it comes to women). He was a friend to everyone (literally), and enemy to everyone (literally) and had a pet which was in his head. A dodo bird by the name of Chris.

Cesar heard the commotion first.

"José!" Cesar cried in his sleep. His room was next door and was basically a large bird cage, for he was a small bird and loved the space.

"I think your mother's here!"

Jose didn't want to think, hear, or know anything about it. He just brushed it off and assumed that if his mother really wanted to talk to him she would-

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Call.

Jose opened one eye and angrily walked out of his room and to the kitchen to the phone.

He picked it up after the fifth ring.

"Hello?" The parrot said, trying to be as friendly as possible to whoever it was.

"Jose, there is a dog chasing me, I. Need. Help!"

"Where are you?" The parrot said with a sigh. He really didn't want to go anywhere except back to bed.

"On your porch."

Jose carried the phone with him to his door, opened the door and beheld Panchito was looking like total shit.

His beak was twisted in a way that made Quasimodo look handsome and his shirt was off. The dog, who was behind him was busy ripping it to shreds, was almost done and the rooster feared that his namesake would come to bite him back.

"Oh God!" Jose cried, "You look terrible."

Panchito nodded, "Yeah, Cujo over here saw to that."

The dog heard this name and stopped doing what he was doing. He wagged his tail and barked, this time rather lovingly as if that were his name to begin with. The rooster noticed this.

"Come here boy." he said, hopeful that this dog was tame now. Panchito was just like everybody else when it comes to dogs, can't resist them. I mean it didn't help that the dog was making that innocent, 'please play with me' face.

The dog charged and tackled Panchito to the ground, he licked his face. Jose was not impressed and closed the door.

"Idiot. Everyone knows that dogs love you. Terry just wants you dead. Idiot." Jose said. Slowly he made his way back to bed but was stopped once again from sleep but gunshots from who else.

"Who else!" Jose cried. Gunshots again. This time, Jose could locate the source, in Cesar's room.

Jose grew a bit concerned and knocked on the door.

"Cesar," the parrot said, "you okay?"

"Yeah." the Trogon replied, "but I think our rooster is hurt."

"What's wrong?" Jose asked, in truth, not caring anymore.

"Um..." Cesar took a moment to look out his window.

"he killed the dog and shot himself in the foot I think."

"What!" Jose cried not believing it.

Nope. Sorry Cesar, but you're wrong...well, sort of.

You think that Panchito Pistoles, the guy who is a master at the art of gunmanship, would have the sense not to shoot himself in the foot of all places, but you'd be wrong. Actually, it wasn't even his fault.

It all started with the house across the street from Jose.

This house belonged to the Asshole. Literally, that was his name.

Asshole was awoken by the rooster and the dog- as everyone within a three mile radius had been for it was insanely loud. But then, it is Panchito we're talking about here.

"Will you both shut up!" Asshole screamed as he walked out onto his porch with his shotgun. Panchito and the Great Dane were getting to know each other better which morphed into fake chasing and.. this.

"Alright, now, you have to go home now," Panchito said, "so," he pulled out his right Beretta, his less frequented weapon and threw it. "fetch!"

The dog did so.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

Don't worry people, the dog lives, but the gun did go off. This caused the rooster to rush over to him and check up on him. The Great Dane was on the ground, unmoving.

"Cujo," Panchito said, with a tear. He got down on his knees and shouted to the sky. "PORQUE!"

"Because you're an idiot!" Asshole said and raised his shotgun. He fired.

Pause.

The author would like to comment that Panchito is always in the matrix.

Resume play.

The rooster, who heard the shot of course, instinctively preformed the awesome bending of the back that Neo does in the first (and only good) Matrix movie.

Panchito then was about to fire his own weapon but John, the police officer who lived next to Asshole, walked out on his porch and just shot the Asshole in the appropriate position.

"Shut up!" John cried. Asshole was screaming in pain on his porch and on his knees.

Panchito stood up, the dog did also. Panchito looked down at the dog and smiled, "You're a clever little bastard aren't you?"

For a moment, Panchito thought the dog laughed.

"Hey John," the rooster said, "mind if I-"

John rolled his eyes. "Come on." He said, "But just for tonight, don't be like Shiloh and come back. I don't want you."

"Got it. No sappy Disney movie." Panchito said and entered John's house.

Cesar, who was awake decided that the best way to get to sleep was to play music...at full volume.

Jose, who was willing to kill just about anybody to get some peace and quiet but remembered that he actually liked Cesar, walked into the smaller birds room and sambaed with him.

It lasted for two hours.

By the time Jose got some sleep the worst thing in the world happened to someone who was sleep deprived. His alarm went off.

"That's it." Jose said, as he punched his clock next to his hammock bed, sending it to the floor and burst into pieces. "I'm going to kill him."

He walked over to John's house, cigar in mouth and knocked on the door.

Panchito answered.

"Panchito," Jose said, "you are an asshole."

The parrot pulled out his umbrella and hit the rooster on the head. Panchito fell over backwards, it was that hard. Jose then reached in and closed the door.

"Thank you!" John said.

"You're welcome." Jose answered and walked back to his house to go to work, which was the worst job ever that he could ever have.

A concierge at a Memphis Hotel.

Every day he had to go to the airport. Why he didn't live in Memphis I don't know. Ask him.

"Because it's funny that I don't for some reason." Jose said to us.

No, that's just mean of the author- oh, right.

"Yeah." Jose said and flipped me off as he left his house.

Cesar, who loved Brazilian cigars, smoked one, smiled, and said: "Is this is going to be one of those stories?"

A knock at the door.

Cesar opened it and Panchito stood center stage.

"Yes," the rooster said, "it's going to be one of those stories."

"Really?" Cesar asked.

"Really." Panchito answered.

"But why?"

Panchito shrugged, "No se, I'm not the boss here."

Cesar turned towards me. "Please tell me that this is a one time thing. I won't be able to live like this."

Live like what?

"Are you serious? Live like what? I got zero sleep. You may have said or implied that I got sleep but I didn't and this guy has been running around up and down the street shouting and playing with a dog for six hours. You are crazy, there is something mentally wrong with you."

Suddenly a gigantic anvil appears over Cesar's head-

"Okay!" The Trogon said. "Just so you know you're an asshole."

"Now would be a good time to go." Panchito warned.

"Why, what's he gonna do? Cut me off and make me look like a-"

Note: There actually was going to be a Fourth Caballero and he was going to be Cuban. The idea was never used. Disney missed out on an opportunity.

Inspired by various sitcoms (Sopranos) and the "asdf" videos on YouTube for the last bit with Panchito and Cesar.