"Turn the scroll over?" he said indignantly, "Who does this DM think he is, I have an IQ of over 180, if there were anything on the back of this scroll doesn't he think I would have se–OH! There's a riddle here!" That's a saucy twist.
The message read:
"Ladybugs leave me catatonic!
5:1 3:80 0:8
Can you pass me a big mac?
Aquaman I do hate.
Where do I work?"
Sheldon blinked.
"Where do I work…?" Who could he possibly be referring too?
"Where do I work?" he repeated. As he thought about it he found this little conundrum was even more vexing than Penny's brain teaser years ago where her only clue was "It's not what it looks like". Sadly he had come to figure out that this riddle was nothing more that one of Penny's half-truth-ed lies and therefore had no real answer other than it was in fact what it looked like.
"Come on Cooper, you have to do is compile the evidence" he thought to himself.
What did he know?
Given 1) this person is afraid of ladybugs.
Given 2) the sequence 5:1 3:80 0:8 plays some significance to this person.
Given 3) he likes McDonald's, or at least eats Big Macs.
Given 4) He dislikes Aquaman.
Given 5) I know supposedly know where he works provided I can figure out who "he" is (or she, can't rule out the ladies quite yet).
He considered all of his possible friends/acquaintances/associates.
He knew for a fact Penny, Bernadette, and Raj dislike bugs, so they were all automatically suspects in this curious case. He also noted that when he had been monitoring the picture book peddler's Facebook page to ensure he had not taken advantage of his Amy (his Amy? what is this madness in his mind, calling Amy his and what not), Stewart had liked "Spiders Suck"'s Facebook page, so perhaps he also disliked ladybugs.
The number sequence confused him slightly since individually the number meant absolutely nothing to him. Coming from a mathematical point of view, and we all know he must, they were nothing but a mishmash of prime and composite numbers and it seemed there was no rhyme or reason to it (and really, there was very little he hated more than illogical-ness).
Moving on to the next given. To his knowledge, all of his friends, even the semi-devout Howard and Raj ate McDonald's burgers, despite the fact that rules within their religion denied it, so this hint proved to be no help at all.
Since Aquaman is considered the lamest DC superhero by all the guys so they were all suspect. He dismissed the girls since he had very little reason to assume that any of his female companions, including his Amy (there he goes again calling her "his Amy"), cared for DC comics at all, though Marvel was a whole different ballpark.
"Well, I know it's not one of the girls." Sheldon mumbled to himself, "So I'm not looking for Penny, Bernie, or Amy's work, and as far as I know Leonard and Howard have no particular ill will towards insects so they're out. I suppose at the moment Stewart and Raj are my only viable candidates, but this doesn't give me much room to proceed."
If there was one thing Sheldon hated it was uncertainty, sure he had one clue left to decipher but it was merely a jumbled up mess of numbers. Were they coordinates? Perhaps they held a secret message! What if they had no purpose and he'd be stuck in an infinite circle again?
WAIT JUST A GOSH DARN TEXAN SECOND! (as to paraphrase his father's wonderful Texan slang)
June 3rd 2006. Rajesh Koothrappali, Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, and himself were sitting at lunch and Had just had just completed a stimulating conversation about the fascinating number 3 (it truly was a marvelous number, what with its complexities and trinities) when a certain Indian foreigner made the increasingly juvenile comment that the number 5,138,008 wash his favorite number because on a simple calculator that number upside down spelt out "boobies".
"Deity I don't believe in!" he exclaimed, nearly falling out of his bed "And Raj wonders why he has yet to find a suitable woman to pair bond with like I have with Amy or Leonard and Penny!"
Grabbing his phone, which had since fallen to the floor with his sudden epiphany, he quickly texted the mysterious DM.
To: 671-269-0711
From: Sheldon Cooper
Time: 6:13 a.m.
To the DM of this fascinating game,
I have since discovered that my quest requires me to travel to my old office, Rajesh's current one, as the first step in this game. What are my stats? How do I continue there? Is my "princess" there, and has the "malicious being" harmed her at all?
Regards,
Sheldor the Conquer
Sheldon held his breath as he awaited a reply.
Though he was confident they wouldn't go as far as to actually harm a hair on Amy's pale head for the sake of his birthday game, he still wondered who his arch nemesis would be today seeing how he did have 61 and counting to choose from.
"Maybe Will Wheaton it today's antagonist," he thought curiously.
Though the two had since become good friends after getting a signed action figure, a drunken Sheldon had instigated a physical fight with Will to defend Amy's honor. An action he was both proud and ashamed of.
"No. No. No! That would never do, Amy and Wheaton don't get along in the slightest, she'd never agree to be near him, if she can help it, even for my birthday" he mumbled, growing impatient.
"Perhaps it's Kripke," he thought, continuing down the list of people he despised. "Oh how I'd love to show up that babbling Elmer Fudd!" After the whole "my paper's better than yours" fiasco on top of Kripke's infernal mocking about his and Amy's coitus life, Sheldon had kept a special place in his brain specifically dedicated to finding multiple ways of showing up Kripke, preferably in a humiliating way.
"Or maybe it's-" he cut himself off as his phone began vibrating violently again and he was anxious to hear what this unknown mediator had to tell him.
To: Sheldon Cooper
From: 671-269-0711
Time: 6:14 a.m.
Greetings Sheldor the Conqueror,
Congratulations on discovering your first destination! Your stats are as follows:
Strength: 8
Dexterity: 6
Constitution: 7
Intelligence: 10
Wisdom: 8
Charisma: 7
None: 5
Based on the stats found here you are not only a human knight but a spellcaster and therefore are able to cast certain spells at the right time. If you have not dressed already, I suggest you do and quickly. Your princess is safe…for now and the "evil being" is being kept at bay. Go to the bottom of your hideout as soon as possible.
"Get dressed?" he mouthed confusedly "Well that's an odd demand to make, why shouldn't I get dressed in a timely manner when I'm about to wage war on some mystical being bent on destroying my birthday?"
It all seemed awfully peculiar to him.
Deciding that whoever they were, they were obviously not capable of thinking at the same level as he was, he rose from his bed, stripped himself of his typical sleeping robe and opened his Thursday shirt dresser to find – nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Not even his favorite flash shirt that he had been planning to wear (prior to all this excitement) on his date with Amy (it was the third Thursday of a month with five Thursdays after all).
His dresser as empty.
HIS DRESSER WAS EMPTY! Annoyance started to bubble into his otherwise positive attitude.
"How had someone come into my room whilst I was sleeping?" he pondered angrily. This would not go unpunished. No one is allowed into his room (well Amy did that one time but that was just to show her his mini Manhattan Project)! It's his!
"Calm yourself Cooper" he said through gritted teeth "Let's see what they left in the closet or you'll be forced to fight for your woman's honor in purple plaid pajamas."
He set a mental reminder that he needed to invest in a lock for his door…or several if his friends ever wished to enter the apartment again, and Leonard would never hear the end of this distressing infraction.
Reluctantly he moved across the room an opened his closet door, hoping to find himself facing his typical clothes, organized seasonally of course, with his special suits and other clothes place specifically in the back. He wasn't that lucky.
"Oh boy" he said, groaning with each extended syllable.
This would definitely prove to be an eventful day.