Chapter 3 "Estas bella!" She exclaims. I thank her for calling me beautiful. "Mi español no esta muy bueno." I warn, doing my best to convey that I have forgotten my spanish and its not so good anymore. She looks a little saddened but smiles. "I speak English too. I guess you want forget everything about growing up." She shakes her head, "I'm sorry I was no there for you. I had fight with your mother." So she's dismissing my poor spanish as a rejection of my past. " its not your fault abuela. I just didn't practice a lot. There aren't as many spanish speakers where I live as in miami." "Okay mi'ja." She studies me very carefully. "I thought you will look like your mother when you grow up but I think you look like your father's family." "Hmmm," I manage, trying to disguise my nerves with interest. She asks me about my life, which is much easier to fill her in on. I'd read up on Soraya enough to answer basic questions. I'd even found her instagram so I knew about her interests. I ask her more questions about her life though because I'd rather keep the focus off me. She owns a vineyard in Chile and it seems Soraya's mom had always been trouble. "You don't have boyfriend? You no want babies?" I laugh. "I think that ship has sailed." She looks confused so I clarify, "Muy tarde." Too late for me. "Its no too late." She reaches out and pats my hand. I immediately feel guilty thinking of her real granddaughter's lonely hand in the hospital. "You beautiful girl. You find man. Even if you don't want babies, you can adopt beautiful girl that need home like you." I shift uncomfortably because there is no way either Soraya or me are having babies. I am too messed up and Soraya physically can't. "Oh I dont know..." "Yes. Please I want leave family behind." The statement doesn't do much to comfort my guilt. I'm not her family. She won't be leaving anyone behind. "I know you have different life. You different person now but was better for you than with your mom. I'm happy just to see you happy." "Thanks," I say, uncomfortable with the turn the conversation took. It's too personal for me. "Soraya, I want you have everything when i go." At first I wonder where she's going and then the meaning of her words hits me. "No...I cant." "You my only family." "You hardly know me." "If you don't take the government will. I don't care what you do as long as you have it." She rubs my hand affectionately. "You make me smile." Because of her accent, I can't tell if its a statement or an order. Is she telling me I make her smile or ordering to do as she says to make her smile? Who the fuck knows? I'm not about to ask. "Whatever you want. You want give it all away I don't care. Anything is better than government." My stomach sinks further than I ever thought possible. What the fuck have I gotten myself into? When I get home I curl up in a ball to cry. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep letting the men in my life influence me to do stupid things? What the fuck is wrong with me? If you ask anyone at work they'd tell you I'm independent. Yet here I am, emotionally screwed up from following Dexter's lead and now knee deep in shit from giving in to Elway.