Moving slow as far as view are concerned... But, well whatcha gonna do... Anyway...

DISCLAIMER: Same as in first chapter...

CHAPTER 1-2

February 1864

I slid the door open, and a breath of cool morning air met me. Clumps of thick clouds trundled silently over the city, an unusually strong wind driving them along.

I shivered, "It's cold today..."

I grabbed a jacket from near the door to wrap around myself. A week had passed since I'd begun living in the headquarters of the Shinsengumi.

They allowed me to roam around the compound as I pleased, and I was given a room of my own.

They weren't the best accommodations, but given that they'd very nearly murdered me instead, I thought it best not to complain.

"Still..."

I looked down at my feet on the cold floor and sighed.

"Do I really need to dress like this all the time?"

They'd given me a place to live, for the time being, but it hadn't been without conditions...

Flashback

Previous night...

Hijikata sighed seeming very tired, "The Shinsengumi will look after you, but we can't have a woman running around our headquarters."

As he explained, if rumors were to spread that the Shinsengumi were keeping a woman in their compound, tongues would begin to wag.

It might even bring the people who were after my father to the Shinsengumi in search of me.

Of course, they hadn't been able to determine whether or not he'd even been attacked.

There were a great many questions left unanswered.

We could ill-afford any reckless decisions.

Or so Hijikata had told me.

"In other words," he continued, "we need you to keep pretending to be a man. I doubt that's what you had wanted to hear, but you do it or you're out on your ass. Clear?"

I nodded, "...yes."

His reasoning was sound.

But perhaps more than that, I knew he was looking out not only for the Shinsengumi, but also for the safety of my father and myself.

I didn't have a choice, of course, but knowing that made following his orders at least somewhat more palatable.

Sanan smiled at me from where he sat to the left of Hijikata, "I doubt you would do so intentionally, but the presence of a woman could...ah...disrupt morale, so to speak."

His tone suggested he was joking, but it was clear that he was telling the truth as well.

"For that reason," he continued, "only we, the Shinsengumi's leadership, will know the truth of your situation."

If word were to get out, there was no telling how fast rumors could spread, or to where. I had to stay a boy.

"All right then. What should I do while I'm here?"

Okita opened his mouth but Hijikata beat him to it, "Nothing. You're gonna get a room, and you're gonna stay in it."

Okita smirked at him, "Really? I could have sworn we decided she was going to be someone's page..."

...

Hijikata turned toward Okita and his eyes narrowed to angry slits, "Souji... Keep your tongue in your mouth or I'll cut the fucking thing off."

Flashback End

Before long, I'd been there for a week.

"I guess I don't have much of a choice... I'd prefer otherwise, of course, but I'll do what I have to."

I wasn't quite sure what to make of it yet, but since I'd been dressing like a boy, I'd grown rather used to the feel of wearing pants, and of having the kodachi my father had given me always at my hip.

He'd presented me with it when I was only a child, and impressed upon me at least some sense of its importance.

Supposedly, it had been in the Yukimura family for generations.

As such, I was forced to take lessons in swordplay, so I knew which end was meant for the enemy, but...

I had never much cared for weapons.

They hurt people, of course, but it was more than that, at least for me.

For as far back as I could remember, any wounds I suffered healed at an incredible rate. Small cuts would disappear overnight.

As a child I'd thought nothing of it, but as I grew older I began to realize that I was not quite normal. When I asked my father, he told me that it was a gift from the gods, but that I should tell no one of it.

I didn't tell anyone, of course. I was afraid they would treat me like a monster if they knew.

Ever since then, I'd done my best not to get hurt. I stayed as far away from blades as I could, and before I realized it, I was rather afraid of them.

Dressing as a man all the time was frustrating, as was carrying a sword, but it was my condition that worried me the most.

"Still..."

That wasn't the only thing on my mind.

The rank-and-file soldiers had been treating me coldly.

"I'm not just...imagining it, right...?"

I'd heard having a private room was a rare privilege, even for the captains. For a child to appear out of nowhere, and be given better treatment than their own captains... it was little wonder the soldiers resented me.

"True. I suppose I can't really blame them..."

Also, quite simply, I felt bad.

I was enjoying the hospitality, such as it was, of the Shinsengumi, and so I felt I should help them in some way, but I knew noting of soldiers and their ways.

There wasn't much opportunity for me to learn, either: Hijikata had instructed me to leave my room as little as possible.

From time to time, the captains or other officers would send me on one errand or another, but I was nothing approaching a page.

Most of the duties they gave me were things more suited for a maid than a soldier, and it made the rest of the men even more resentful, for what appeared to be special treatment.

"They're just...watching me."

To make sure I kept my mouth shut, they took turns keeping watch over me. My mistakes could mean serious trouble for them, so they were doing their best to keep me away from the other soldiers.

"Hmm..."

Then again, perhaps I was just a poor actor. Their soldiers almost never spoke to me, but when they did, it was difficult for me to act...manly. All too often, the captains had to step in to cover for me.

Each time they did, it made it seem as though I couldn't even manage to speak for myself, and I felt even worse.

"If I'm really going to stay here, I'd like to be friends with at least some of them... But I can't exactly tell them the truth, can I?"

Indeed I couldn't, and so I had no choice but to stay out of the way and keep to myself. it wasn't a pleasant existence, and I was beginning to feel depressed.

"If I'm supposed to stay out of the way, then I shouldn't be leaving my room, but..."

I very much wanted to go look for my father.

However, even after a week had passed, I was still not allowed to leave headquarters.

I'd come to Kyoto in search of my father, but for the time being it seemed that search had been stopped in its tracks.

"Hmm..."

Perhaps, I thought, I could talk to Hijikata. If he would give me permission to look for my father...

"...Oh, no, that's right..."

Hijikata had left on a trip to Osaka several days before.

...

...

"Perhaps...I can sneak out while he's not here..."

...

I wasn't sure what to do...

If I was honest, staying in the room was awfully boring.

"No, you need to follow Hijikata's orders, Chizuru."

I shook my head to clear it, and tried to forget about temptation. I didn't want to cause any more trouble than I already had. The consequences would...not be good.

"*sigh*"

I looked around the room, feeling somewhat forlorn. It was a very nice room, but it was nearly completely empty. Not uncomfortable, per se, but not comfortable either, and there was nothing with which I might make the time pass.

"And Here I thought I'd gotten used to doing nothing..."

My father's business had taken him out of the house frequently, sometimes for days at a time, and so I'd spent a good deal of time home on my own.

"This isn't quite the same, though... Back then, I always knew he'd be back, eventually."

Waiting for someone you knew would return, and waiting for...for what, you didn't quite know, are two very different things.

"When will I be able to start looking for Father again, I wonder..."

I let out another frustrated sigh.

Sudden approaching footsteps from outside my room drew my attention to the open doorway.

"Yukimura!"

It was Kondou!

"I've been looking for you!" he continued. "I didn't think you'd be here!"

He smiled brilliantly at me, as he stepped into the room a tray in one hand.

"Um...I'm...sorry...?"

I wasn't sure what to make of his words, so instead I gave him an awkward sort of bow.

He stepped further into the room, still smiling, then paused and gave me an odd look.

"Wait a moment..." he started, "Is this your room?"

...

Until then I hadn't thought about it, but since they'd brought me in, this was the first time I'd seen Kondou.

"For now, yes." I sighed.

The moment the words were out of my mouth, his eyes went wide.

"O-Oh no... Then...then I barged into a woman's room without announcing myself!"

Not wanting him to fully embrace Captain Panic, I quickly said, "Oh no, it's fine."

I gestured at the rest of the room as he took a step back toward the door.

"After all," I continued with what I hoped was a kind smile, "It isn't as though there's anything here I wouldn't want you to see."

He still seem unsure, so I beckoned for him to come back in.

He sighed in frustration, "Arg... We'd decided you would be Toshi's page, so I'd assumed your room would be next to his..."

"Um..."

Hijikata had, of course, failed to tell Kondou that I had yet to be made a page. I wasn't surprised.

It wasn't too hard to see what was going on.

"I'm not really prepared to entertain, but you're welcome to come in, if you'd like."

Yup.

An official invitation seemed to dispel most of his concern, and his smile creased his face again.

"Oh no, you needn't feel nervous around me. While you're here, you're a guest of the Shinsengumi."

With that, he placed the tray on the floor between us and sat down.

I looked at what was on the tray and my eyes widened, "Th-This is..."

I could barely stifle a sudden squeal of delighted excitement. Kondou coughed, doing his best to look nonchalant.

"Do you...ah...like sweets? I found some of these in the cupboard, and I thought..."

I tore my eyes away from the candy and smiled at him, "I do. In fact, I like these especially."

Some of the tension left his face, and he grinned at me. On the plate, he'd arranged several colorful candies and a cup of warm green tea.

"So, what do you think?" he said cheerfully, "If you'd like to have some, go ahead."

He looked right at me and smiled hopefully, as if to say "I hope you like them!"

"Thank you very much."

I reached out cautiously, and took one of the candies.

"...He he..."

It had been a while since I'd had any sweets.

Something about the small, colorful candy seemed so adorable that I couldn't help but smile.

Kondou didn't laugh at my admittedly childish reaction. Instead, he just smiled warmly.

His eyes suddenly looked concerned, "Oh, yes... I've heard you haven't been allowed to go outside."

I set the empty tea cup down, "That's true."

I could see his brows draw together in deeper concern.

I quickly added, "...There's no point in rushing it, though."

If I ran off without their permission, I'd almost certainly cause problems for the men who'd promised to help me.

For the time being, I would simply have to be patient.

Kondou sighed, "I know how he appears, but Toshi is the sort of man who can't help but care for others."

Hijikata...caring? That didn't seem right. But then again, I told myself, Kondou knows him much better than you.

"He may be a little strict with you," he continued, "but only because he has your best interests at heart."

That made a little more sense.

"I think... If the commander doesn't think it's time for me to go out yet, then I trust him."

I hadn't spent much time with him, but it wasn't hard to see that Hijikata was no fool. He was intimidating, of course, but he was a good person.

Kondou nodded and grinned, "I'll speak with Toshi. You're bored, I know, but I have to ask you to hang on a little longer."

"All right. Thank you."

He hadn't done much, to be honest, but Kondou's visit had cheered me greatly. I suppose I was rather easily pleased if an afternoon with warm tea was all it took to make me happy.

xxxxxx

I watched shadows drift up my wall as the orange light of the sun painted my room the color of autumn leaves.

"How long am I going to do this...?"

Solitude was proving detrimental to any sort of continued optimism. All my thoughts eventually turned dark and hopeless.

It was depressing, but most of all it was frustrating. How could I let myself be discouraged to easily?

Fairly easily, actually. I'd been swept up in a frightening world I didn't understand and couldn't possibly control.

"I can't possibly figure out what's happening to Father if I'm stuck here..." I mumbled to myself. "Only Hijikata can give me permission to leave, and he's gone..."

All I could do was wait.

Lamenting things I couldn't change wouldn't improve my situation, and would arguably make it worse.

"Hm..."

Still, there was at least one thing I had to be thankful for.

"At least they've all been nice to me..." I chided.

I knew I couldn't trust the men of the Shinsengumi completely. They were, after all, men who could take life in the blink of an eye.

It would be all to easy for the next life they took to be mine.

"They're nice men, deep down...right?" I asked no one in particular.

"Has anyone ever called you gullible?"

"Ah-!"

My voice froze in my throat.

I turned slowly to find Okita standing behind me.

"Wh-What are you doing here?!" I snapped.

He laughed, "Oh, you didn't notice me? Well, it's my turn to keep watch."

"..."

Of course, I was under surveillance. Which meant...

"Did you hear everything I said...?"

"Hm?"

He said nothing, only smiled and blinked laconically.

"..."

He'd heard me. He had definitely heard me!

I wanted to scream again, but before I could open my mouth Saito stepped out from behind the door.

"I think that's enough fraternizing, Souji."

He gave a small smile.

...

I blinked at him, my heart racing, "Were you here the whole time too?!"

"I arrived only moments ago." was his answer.

"Oh, thank goodness..."

I pressed my hand to my chest, in an effort to calm my pounding heart.

"U-Um, I'm sorry... For...for screaming like that..."

His smile widened a fraction, "It's nothing. And at any rate, it isn't as though you were saying anything that might cause trouble for you."

"Ah!"

Then...he had heard me?!

"T-True, I didn't say anything, um, bad, but still-!"

It's embarrassing being caught talking to oneself! I was so embarrassed... Saito looked from me to Okita and back and his brows drew together almost imperceptibly.

"I came to tell you that dinner is ready, but... Have I interrupted something?"

"What?! Oh! No! Nothing at all!"

I shook my head emphatically.

Slight amusement and annoyance permeated in Saito's eyes, "I had intended to wait until you and Souji finished your discussion, but..."

He let the words hang in the air, but his eyes said that he'd determined we'd continue forever if he didn't interrupt. I had opened my mouth to say...I'm not sure what, when—

Heisuke shot through the door. The moment he saw the three of us, his face fell.

"Hey! Guys! Dinnertime!" he said in annoyance.

Saito blinked at him, "My apologies, Heisuke. I'll be there presently."

The younger captain smiled and then turned to me with a grin, "Yeah, yeah. You too, Chizuru. Hurry up or it's all gonna be gone by the time you get there."

I smiled back, "Sorry, Toudou. I'll be there as soon as I can."

He turned to leave, but stopped just as he reached the door. I saw him purse his lips for a moment, and then he spoke.

"Look...um, you can drop the whole 'Toudou' thing, okay? Just call me 'Heisuke.' Everybody else does."

I blinked, "Are you sure...?"

"Yeah, why not. I mean, we're about the same age anyway."

I gave him a kind smile, "All right... I'll do that then, Heisuke."

He turned and gave me a wide grin.

"Great. Sounds better already. Shall we go?"

xxxxxx

Upon entering the dining hall we were greeted by a fairly annoyed Harada and Nagakura.

Sano placed his hand on his hip, "You're late," he grumbled.

Nagakura folded his arms and glared up at us from where he sat; a plate of food already set before him, "You kids're late. Who's gonna answer to my crying stomach?"

Heisuke laughed and wandered over to sit next to him, "You mean 'growling,' Shin. Really, he's so simple sometimes..."

He really shouldn't have said anything, for this only proved to annoy Shinpachi further, "You guys oughta apologize to my stomach! He wanted to dig in, but I said, 'No, we've gotta wait for 'em.'"

Sano sighed and shook his head, "You're such a softie, Shin..." he then looked to me and patted the floor next to him and once we were all seated with food before us, "All right guys, it's time to eat, and that means every man for himself."

And with that, Nagakura and Heisuke began our meal's entertainment.

Nagakura began eying what was on his plate and then turned to Heisuke, "Man, there's barely enough here to feed a kid, let alone a man. So I'll just have to...take yours!"

He lunged forward, chopsticks in hand, at Heisuke's tray of food, only to have his utensils stopped in mid lunge by Heisuke's chopsticks.

Thus began quite an amusing scene.

"Survival of the fittest!" sniped Nagakura, "This food is mine!"

Heisuke glared at his friend as they struggled, "Hey! Why do you always steal my food?!"

Nagakura grinned and then, "Ahahahaha! It's 'cause of the difference in size, kid! I got a bigger body. That means I need more food!"

As if that explained it...

Heisuke bared his teeth, "Well I'm still growing, old man, so I gotta eat more too!"

Sano sighed seeming slightly embarrassed by his two friends, "Sorry you had to see this, Chizuru. They're always like this."

"Eh heh, heh. I've gotten used to it."

Saito seemed to be ignoring all of us but then he said, "Is acceptance of such insanity not somewhat frightening?" Then he noticed the two, at the moment, silly child men eying his food, "...That food is mine." And gave them both a look that caused them to avert their attention back to their own food.

I glanced at Okita and noticed he hadn't touched his plate of food; apparently the small jug of sake was all he wanted, "Oh... Why aren't you taking anything?"

He smiled and took a sip before saying, "Yeah, I'm good. If I get too full I start getting slow."

Nagakura laughed at that, "Hey! Wadda ya mean, 'Slow'?! ...Ah whatever, I'm taking that!"

He then lunged again at Heisuke's plate but this time the poor boy was too slow and watched stunned as Nagakura started munching on 'his' fish.

Heisuke looked ready to start throwing punches but then he glanced at Okita's untouched plate.

Okita noticed this and immediately said, "Go for it. So long as I got a little sake to sip, I'm good."

Sano smile at that, "Then I guess I'm going with sake, too."

Okita then looked to me and said, "Don't worry about being a freeloader or anything, Chizuru. Just eat your little heart out, okay?"

I gave him a small smile, "I...I know. I can't help but feel a little bad, though!"

Saito who had seemed to be ignoring us again, said, "Well, if you let that get to you, you're gonna lose. You have to protect what's yours."

"O-Okay!"

...

It was...actually rather fun to have dinner with such a strange group of men. I'd eaten alone for so long that to do so with others was frightening and exhilarating all at once.

"See, there's that smile. You oughta do that more often. We aren't gonna hurt you."

I glanced up to find Sano looking at me.

"Harada..."

His mouth curled up into an honest smile of his own.

Had I really looked so down? Perhaps they were all trying to cheer me up...

I wasn't quite sure how to feel.

There was a part of me that felt bad, while another part felt a certain amount of joy.

The joy seemed to be winning out, however, and I was smiling to myself when Inoue stepped in from the hall.

"Gentlemen, do you have a moment?"

As usual, his voice was warm, but in his eyes was a level solemnity I'd never seen before, at least during our thus-far brief acquaintance.

The warmth of the room disappeared almost immediately.

"I've just received word from Osaka. Sanan has been gravely injured in battle."

"What?!"

They all went quiet.

Inoue continued. Sanan had gone to investigate a report of several ronin harassing a cloth merchant. He'd managed to drive them off, but not before being wounded by the ronin.

I had to know, "Is he going to be alright?"

He pursed his lips, "It wasn't his sword arm that was wounded. He's almost certain to survive, but wielding a blade will be difficult for him."

"Oh, thank goodness..."

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, but it seemed that the rest of the room didn't share my relief.

He then looked to the captains, "He should be returning here in a few days. Now please, excuse me. I must speak with Kondou."

He turned as he spoke, his last words delivered over his shoulder, and was gone.

It was Saito who eventually broke the awkward silence.

"A sword is not made to be carried in a single hand. If his injury is severe, he may never carry a blade again."

"Oh..."

At last, I understood.

Yes, Sanan was alive. But without the ability to wield a sword...

Sanan the man had survived the encounter with the ronin, but Sanan the warrior had not.

"Fighting with a single hand," Saito continued, "would mean less strength behind the blows. Against an opponent of similar skill, he would almost certainly lose."

"Of course..."

Fighting with one hand would be fighting at half strength. Even a skilled warrior would have trouble.

Okita sighed, "If push comes to shove, he'll have to take it. I don't think Sanan's just going to give up."

Nagakura narrowed his eyes at him, "Don't jinx him, Souji. It's gonna look bad if officers start joining the Corps."

"Huh...?"

Wait... That didn't make any sense.

"But...what do you mean 'Corps'? Isn't that the Shinsengumi?"

I didn't understand... What was the "Corps" if it wasn't the Shinsengumi itself? But the way they'd said it, they couldn't have been referring to the Shinsengumi.

Heisuke glanced at me and said, "Well normally, yeah. You might call the Shinsengumi the 'Elite Volunteer Corps.' When we talk about "the Corps," though, we—"

"Heisuke!" shouted Sano

"Huh?!"

Before I could move, Harada was on his feet and halfway across the room. I barely had time to gasp before he drove his fist into Heisuke sending the boy rolling into a wall.

Heisuke brought a hand to his face, "Ow..."

Having already jumped to my feet I started to move forward, "Heisuke! Are you all right?!" but Nagakura stopped me.

He sighed, "Sano, you're overreacting. Heisuke, think before you open that damn mouth!"

His eyes were cold and hard as he turned to look straight at me.

It was clear Heisuke had told me something he shouldn't have, but...what?

"Sorry..."

After a moment, Harada gave the younger man a curt nod of apology, and Heisuke responded with a quick pained smile.

"Nah, I should've been watching what I said. Still... Sano, you start throwin' those things around way too easily."

His punch had hit with enough force to knock a lesser man out cold, but Heisuke seemed only slightly the worse for wear. It had never been clearer that I was not among normal people.

Nagakura gave me an annoyed look, "That's all you're going to hear about this particular topic, Chizuru. I'm sure you're curious, but we can't tell you anything else, so don't ask."

His voice was friendly enough, but his eyes gave his words a cold weight that made me feel almost uncomfortable.

"But..."

How was I supposed to just drop it?

Okita decided to cut in at that moment, "The Corps that Heisuke was talking about are men to be pitied."

His voice was flat: emotionless.

"Um..."

His eyes were grim, and there was a sudden chill melancholy about him. I couldn't bring myself to say anything more.

Thankfully, Nagakura stepped in to break the silence.

"It's nothing you need to worry yourself about." His previous look of annoyance had been replaced with a kind smile, "you don't have to get all worked up."

"..."

I was only a guest in their house, not a warrior of the Shinsengumi.

I didn't need to know the truth behind whatever secrets the Shinsengumi kept. I'd known that from the beginning.

...That knowledge was little comfort, however.

Saito glance at me and said, "Put it from your mind. Involving yourself in our affairs will only put you in greater danger."

I bit my lip and kept silent.

The wall between us was nearly a physical thing, and it was far too large an obstacle for me to defeat easily.

xxxxxx

"*sigh*"

I finished my dinner in sad silence, excused myself, and returned to my room

I had a great deal to think about.

"The Shinsengumi...hm..."

I knew of the Shinsengumi, of course. Their name meant "Elite Volunteer Corps."

But this "Corps" they'd mentioned... It seemed to be something different.

"So Sanan is part of the Shinsengumi... But he shouldn't be part of the 'Corps'...?"

The way they'd said it, it seemed as if this "Corps" was another entity, inside the Shinsengumi...

...

...

"Argh!"

No! I wasn't supposed to think about those things! I was only going to get myself in trouble if I stuck my nose where it didn't belong.

If I saw or heard the wrong thing, I could even end up dead.

"If I die, I'll have a hard time looking for my father..."

There were people who care about me, and my death would no doubt sadden them.

With that in mind, I did my best to but the day's event out of my head, and climbed onto my thin futon.