CHAPTER 6

March 1868

We returned to Edo, and met up with Nagakura and the rest of our forces at the hatamoto mansion.
Kondou was disconsolate from his first lost battle, moreso than most of the captains had expected.
Even after he returned to headquarters, he spent most of his time moping.
Yoshinobu, the supreme commander of the shogunate army, was ordered out of the imperial court and into house arrest at the Kan'ei Temple in Ueno.
The imperial court was now in the hands of the Satsuma and the Choshu, and it was becoming painfully clear that the loyalist faction was in a numerically untenable position.

…
Some time later, I was sweeping the entrance when I looked up to see Saito on his way out.
"Oh, Saito. Are you off to work? Have a good day."
He glanced at me, his eyes brimming with concern.
"When you have a moment, could you make some of your delicious tea and take it to the commander?"
Without even waiting for me to respond, he gave a curt nod and was off.
Saito had never been…talkative, but lately he'd seemed exceptionally taciturn.
Perhaps he was still upset over what had happened…

Earlier…

"Um… Are you guys really leaving?"
Nagakura and Harada stopped and glanced back at me, a somewhat pained look in their eyes.
Nagakura folded his arms and gave a heavy sigh.
"Yeah… It wasn't easy, but we've made up our minds."
He glanced at the compound.
"Our path isn't Kondou's. I don't think we can follow him anymore."
I tried really hard not to sound as hurt as I felt.
"Oh… It's going to be lonely here without you."
I paused a moment to recompose my expression.
"What are you going to do now?"
It was Harada who replied.
"We haven't quite figured that out yet… We'll still be taking it to the Imperial Army, that's not gonna change…"
Nagakura suddenly grinned.
"I'm sure you'll be hearing stories in a couple months about how we killed a hundred rebels apiece. …Heck, probably in a couple weeks!"
Harada also smiled.
"Well, take care."
I gave them both what I hoped wasn't too pathetic of a smile.
"Okay… You too…"

Present…

We'd been so close…
It was sad to see them go.
Then again, I'd only known them a few years. How sad their departure had to be for Kondou, Hijikata, and Saito, who'd known them much, much longer…
Okita's condition worsened, and he'd been moved to a separate house in Sendagaya.
On by one, our friends from Shiei Hall were disappearing.
Why had it come to this, I wondered…
Cleaning suddenly felt particularly pointless. I decided to go make some tea and see if Hijikata was in his room.
"Hijikata, I've brought you some tea…"
I opened the door as I spoke…
…And stopped, halfway in, when I saw Sanan and Heisuke.
All three faces were set in hard lines. Whatever I had interrupted, it was serious.
"I-I'm so sorry! I didn't realize you were in the middle of a meeting!"
I began to back away as quickly as I could, when-
"You can stay."
Hijikata's words froze me in place, but before I could reply, Sanan spoke.
"You can't possibly be serious about this! Why would you cancel augmentation of the Fury Corps?!"
Hijikata flicked his eyes back to Sanan, narrowed and cold.
"I am serious. There won't be any more furies. Make do with what you have."
Sanan was clearly trying to reign in his anger.
"I'm sorry, but I can't support you decision. The Shinsengumi's manpower is at an all-time low. It seems to me that expanding the Fury Corps should be a top priority. Heisuke told me that Nagakura and Harada have left. That a serious blow to us, Hijikata. Even if we can recruit more warriors, they'll just be more rabble. As soon as they're sent into battle, they'll flee. Wasting our energy on men like that is foolish. Don't you think that it would be better to concentrate our efforts on expanding and improving our furies?"

Heisuke seemed very much like he wished to leave the room. He looked down at the floor.
He'd said nothing since I'd arrived, but it was clear from his face that, fury or not, he didn't always agree with Sanan.
Hijikata glanced at him and as turned back to Sanan, his expression softened.
"You have a point. If all we want to do is increase our strength, then the fastest way to do that is to focus on the Fury Corps."
Sanan frowned.
"Then why do you-!"
The commander's eyes narrowed again.
"There's a problem with the furies. A big one. We only just found out about it. Our source is...reliable."
I gave a quiet gasp.
He meant to tell Sanan what he'd learned from Amagiri.
"The power of a fury comes from your…I guess you could say potential. Basically, the more you use it, the shorter your life gets."
Sanan's eyes quickly widened.
"What?!"
"Yeah. We shouldn't be using the furies unless we really have to."
Sanan took a shuddering breath, the color draining from his face.
Silence filled the room for several long seconds, before Sanan finally raised his head and spoke.
"Then that is yet another reason why our research should continue. It is a flaw, yes, and a serious one. But with more research, we may find a way to circumvent it, or even to counteract it entirely. …As a fury yourself, surely you understand the necessity…"
Hijikata's expression didn't change.
This is not a request, Sanan. This is an order. As your commander, I am telling you that research on the furies will stop. There will be no more furies."
Sanan appeared to be on the edge of rage.
But he said nothing. Instead he simply glared at Hijikata, as seconds stretched into minutes.
Finally, Heisuke spoke.
"Let's go, Sanan."
Sanan sat unmoving for a few more moments until at last he sagged, defeated, and turned to Heisuke.
"Very well…"
Sanan and Heisuke had turned to leave the room when-
"Oh, Kondou," said Heisuke, somewhat startled. "What're you doing here? Going somewhere?"
I couldn't see him but something in his voice sounded a bit odd.
"Oh, uh… No, I'm just…out for a walk. Just passing by. Don't mind me."
I heard them exchange a few more short pleasantries in the hallway, and then three sets of footsteps faded away.
The room grew awkwardly silent.
Hijikata sighed and let his gaze drift out the window.
"Th-The tea's cold now… I'll go pour you a new one."
I stood to leave, desperate to be away from that room and its stifling atmosphere.
But Hijikata had other thoughts in mind.
"No, this is fine. I'm thirsty. Cold tea's perfect."
He took a sip and sighed again, quietly, a distant look in his eyes.
The workload he'd taken on was tremendous, and he was tired all day, every day, but he looked drained-moreso than those things could account for.
How hard had Nagakura and Harada's departure his him?
He gave me a sad smile.
"He's right about Shinpachi and Harada leaving. That hurt us, bad."
His voice shook almost imperceptibly, and how mouth curled into a now bitter smile as he spoke.
"Well, I had a feeling this might happen some day. It's our fault for falling short of what they wanted. If what we're fighting for and what they're looking for aren't the same thing, then why wouldn't they leave? Don't need to let feeling of loyalty tie you down. It's over now, and that's fine. They'll be all right on their own. So will we."

I got the feeling that Hijikata's words were more for himself than for me.
"But Damn… We sure have lost a lot of people. Things are…different."
His eyes were focused on something far away, and his voice had dropped to little more than a mumble.
I couldn't even imagine what was going through his head… To be a leader, and command the loyalty and obedience of tenss or hundreds of men was something I couldn't begin to understand.
Every night, he worked until the sun came up.
It was painful for the furies to be up and about during the daylight hours, but that didn't stop Hijikata: Every day, he met with representatives of the shogunate.
Even I could see the horrible toll it was taking on his body. What could I do for him…?
"Please, Hijikata…you have to stop."
His eyes snapped back into focus, and swiveled to stare into mine.
"What?"
His voice was much harder than I'd expected, and it gave me pause.
No, I thought to myself, this was something I had to say.
"I'm only telling you to do what you told Sanan to do a few minutes ago. Don't use your fury abilities unless it's an emergency."
His eyes narrowed.
"Why should I listen to you?"
"Um…well…"
His glare was unnerving.
"Well, you became a fury…because you were protecting me from Kazama. If you hadn't had to fight a demon, then you'd still be a human now. You wouldn't have had to-"
"This again? Look, I told you, I chose to do this. Nobody forced me. Stop worrying about that stuff."
He sounded quite calm and nonchalant, as if he'd already accepted his approaching death.
But…was that really true? Or only an act he'd put on to ease my mind?
Who could ever be at peace with bargaining away their life, no matter what sort of power such a bargain might grant them?
"When you say things like that, it just makes it worse… If you're in pain, please, just say so. Can't you just tell me the truth? Don't you wish you'd never become a fury?"
For a moment the room was silent, and then Hijikata began to laugh.
"Man… I just can't win with you, can I?"
"Um…?"
He gave me a very kind smile.
"You really are an Edo girl, aren't you?"

I still didn't know how to respond.
I was rather stunned. Laughter and levity certainly hadn't been the reaction I'd expected.
"I think I've told you this before, haven't I? Anyway, I'm the youngest kid in my family. They're farmers in Tama. My mom and dad both died when I was still young. Than meant my sister, who's about four years older than me, had to raise me. You sound kind of like her. …Souji's sister Mitsu sounds the same way, too. When you go off, it's like I'm getting scolded by my family. Makes me feel like I've got to listen to you."
I blinked and then smiled.
"…Really?"
I'd never heard him talk about his childhood like this before…
It felt…surreal.
"…If what Amagiri told us id true, then so long as I don't use my fury powers, I'll be fine, right? If it gets bad I'll tell you. Stop worrying about me."
He'd likely still keep most of his pain to himself-that was just who he was-but if he really meant the he would tell me when it became unbearable…
"All right. I understand."
I'd take his word for it, this time.
"So, um… What will the Shinsengumi be doing now?"
"Well, we're going to need to get Kondou back on his feet first, but after that we plan on heading north."
"North?"
He nodded slowly.
"Right now the Shogunate's about as useful as tits on a bull, but we've still got the northeast. If Aizu and Sendai can hold the center, then we've still got a chance. Doctor Matsumoto is rounding up some men, weapons, and ammunition for us at Nagareyama. We'll meet up there, then head to Aizu. Even if the rebels manage to take Edo, they'll probably have to fall back to Kyoto eventually. Once they do that, we can take Edo pretty-"
Suddenly his body twisted and hunched, and he grasped a hand to his suddenly heaving chest.
"Gah! Argh-!"
Hijikata's eyes bulged from his head in pain, and he'd begun to sweat; hundreds of tiny beads appearing all over his face.
"H-Hijikata?! What's wrong?"
He only shook his head, unable to speak through the pain.
…I'd seen him like this before.
"…Is it the bloodlust?"
He didn't respond, but I'd known I was right even as I asked.
Hijikata was in pain. I had no other choice.
With steady hands, I pulled my sword from its scabbard and laid the edge against my fingers, ready to cut-
But Hijikata's hand on my wrist stopped me.
"Why…? The pain will go away if you drink blood."
I tried to pull away, but he held fast and shook his head.
"…I'll do it. Just...sit still…"
He moved around behind me and loosened my collar.
I felt the cool air touch my neck, followed by Hijikata's fingers. He was looking for a place to make the cut.
A moment later I felt the kiss of a cold blade against my skin, and then, without a sound, I felt it sink in.
I bit my lip at the pain, but said nothing.
"Ah!"
His warm lips touched the cut on my neck, and then I felt his face press against me as he began to drink. Again and again he drank, as thirsty as a man who had been stranded in the desert.
I could feel his breath on my skin. It made me shiver.
Never before had I been so close to a man. Nerves made my body begin to twist, until Hijikata's hands grabbed my shoulders. When he spoke, his voice was low and husky.
"Don't turn around."
"O-Okay…"
I realized suddenly that he didn't want me to see him in his fury state.
Those few words-a last, strained defense of his wounded pride-tore at my heart, and I felt a lump rise in my throat.
For his sake, I did my best to calm my breathing, rapid from nerves and excitement. Though I did my best to hide it, there was no denying that my heart was beating faster and faster.
"I'm sorry… I just can't afford to lose it right now."
Was he saying that to convince me, or to convince himself?
"Of course. I understand. You don't have to hold back. I want to help, in whatever way I can."
The day that I'd watched Inoue and Yamazaki die, I'd felt a horrible, torturous regret: There had been nothing I could do for them.
Ever since, I'd cursed myself for being unable to help the Shinsengumi, after they'd sheltered and protected me for so long.
But now, at last, there was something I could do. I could ease Hijikata's thirst.
Hijikata sighed and I felt his grip on me tighten.
Emotions washed over me-guilt, disappointment, anger, regret-and I realized they were Hijikata's.
His hands were warm.
Eventually, he let go, slowly, and stepped away.
His breathing had returned to normal, and there was color in his face again.
With the back of his hand, he wiped the last of the blood from his lips and sighed with relief.
"Sorry for doing that to you…"
"Oh, no, it's nothing. See? The cut's already closed up."
I shrugged my collar back up to my neck and smiled.
"I'll be staying here for quite a while. So if you ever need me, please, just let me know."
He gave me a quizzical look.
"You're telling me I can just drink your blood…whenever?"
"Yes…"
I nodded, and he gave me a crooked smile.
"Shouldn't say things like that, kid. Someone's gonna use you up and throw you away."
He was only joking, and I knew it, but there was a part of me that felt if it was Hijikata who used me up, then maybe it wouldn't really be so bad.

…
Some time after that incident we moved again, to the Kaneko mansion in Nagareyama.
Kondou had become reluctant to go into battle, but after several talks with Hijikata, he was eventually convinced otherwise.
Until we'd finished our preparations for our journey to Aizu, we would be training in Nagareyama.
I was told Saito was off in some place called Ichikawa, where he would be training in the use of new, modern armament.
Sanan and Heisuke had left with the Fury Corps along the Utsunomiya route to Aizu, since they couldn't go to the Kaneko mansion.

…
Ever since we'd arrived, Kondou had seemed like an entirely different person-listless, and without any kind of drive.
His days were spent in his room, reading books, or on the porch, staring at flowers.
It was easy to see that he was depressed about his loss at Koufu. Eventually, he would get over it and go back to his normal, cheerful self.
Or at least, that was what we all hoped.
"Kondou, I've brought you some tea."
I set down the tea and snacks I'd brought on his reading table.
"Oh, thank you."
He paused in the act of flipping a page to smile up at me.
"What are you reading?"
"Hm? Oh. I'm reading the Romance of the Three Kingdoms and the Biography of Kiyomasa… Military history, basically. I practically know them by heart by now, but every time I read them I find something new to be fascinated by. When I was young, I wanted to be just like Kansei Teikun-a legendary warrior. I wanted to fight for someone other than myself."
His grin made his face look like that of a little boy, but after a moment the grin faded.
"…But I guess dreaming about being a great commander doesn't make you one… I wish I'd realized that a little earlier."
He shut the book softly and set it down on the top of his desk.
"What are you talking about?"
I couldn't just let him fall back into sadness when he just displayed such joy.
"You've only just begun."
But he didn't even seem to hear me…
And then…
"How's Toshi?"
"I think he's up in his room, writing something. Probably order for Saito. He's off in Ichikawa right now, you know."
Kondou's head sagged toward his chest.
"Oh… I keep giving Toshi so much to do…"
"…I don't think he's pushing himself too hard. And nothing makes him happier than being able to help you out. That's just the kind of guy he is."
Kondou laughed.
"You've really turned out to be quite an asset to him, haven't you? I think you know him quite well by now."
I blinked.
"Y-You think so…?"
He seemed quite serious about it, and I felt my cheeks getting warm.
"That's right… Back when I first got here, I was supposed to be his…page or something."
He gave another bark of laughter and I suddenly wondered if he was recalling Hijikata's reaction when I had been forced upon him.
"Ah yes… I never thought you'd be here for so long, to be honest."
Before I knew it, we were reminiscing about the time we'd spent in Kyoto.
Back then, we never could have guessed that the Satsuma-Choshu Alliance would take control of the imperial court. Okita had been healthy, Inoue and Yamazaki had still been alive, and Nagakura and Harada hadn't left…
Every day was fun and exciting…
"But…I know things will work out," I told him, "Hijikata will get us through this."
He responded with a melancholy laugh.
"Don't you think you're asking quite a bit of him, Yukimura?"
"What do you mean…?"
Before he could answer, the door slid open with a snap, and Hijikata and Shimada ran in, their faces tense and drawn.
"Hijikata? What's happened?"
"We gotta go, now. The mansion's surrounded."
Hijikata was out of breath. They must have been running.
"What?!"
It was Shimada who answered.
"There's two, maybe three hundred of them out there. We came in through the back, so they wouldn't spot us."
Hijikata's eyes brimmed with frustration.
"If there were only twenty or thirty of them, then maybe we could take 'em."
Hijikata worked his lip and glanced out the window, frustrated and tense.
"Don't even have time to call back Saito and his men. Guess we'll have to come up with something here. Shimada, Chizuru, you two take Kondou and go on ahead."
"What?! Hijikata, not even you can take on that many people! And it's…it's daytime out there…"
He turned on me.
"I won't know till I try!"
Shimada also had his doubts about Hijikata's odds.
"Hijikata, the soldiers out there are all riflemen."
Both Shimada and I moved toward the door, in an effort to physically stop Hijikata, if it came to that.
Kondou had stayed silent and contemplative since Hijikata and Shimada had entered, but now he finally spoke.
"Wait… Toshi, you don't have to do that. I'll go have them take me to thier headquarters."
Hijikata's expression cycled quickly from shock to disbelief to anger.
"What the hell?! You might as well just paint a target on your chest!"
Kondou calmly gazed at him.
"I wouldn't introduce myself as Kondou of the Shinsengumi, of course. I'll just tell them we're hatamoto, and we're here to secure this location. That ought to make them think about it for a bit."
He gave his friend a pitiful smile.
"At any rate, it should buy enough time for you guys to get away."
Shimada and I were both shocked into silence, but not Hijikata.
"Listen to yourself," he shouted quickly verging on panic.
"You really think they'll let you just waltz in and fuck with them like that?! You saw how they work back in Kyoto! There's no way in hell those bastards don't hate our guts! They won't believe that crap about us being hatamoto for a second!"
Kondou continued, still calm.
"Well, even if I do get captured, I have the status of a daimyo. They can't just kill me."
"You've gotta be kidding me," snapped Hijikata. "You think they'll give a shit about a title you got from the old shogun?! You go out there, you're signing your death warrant. You really think I'll just let you do that?! Look, I'm a fury now! So long as they don't shoot me through the heart, I'll be fine!"
But no matter what he said, Kondou's expression didn't change.
He only gazed back at him, his expression cool and placid.
"I've made my decision. Nothing you say can convince me otherwise."
Hijikata began to shake.
In all the time I'd been with the Shinsengumi, I'd never seen Hijikata and Kondou act like this.
Usually it was Hijikata who kept his cool and Kondou who succumbed to his emotions.
But this time…
"No! NO! What the hell's the Shinsengumi going to do without it's chief?! You're coming with me even if I have to knock you out and drag you! You have a responsibility to the Shinsengumi! You don't get to die and run away from that!"
Hijikata was screaming at Kondou, his white-knuckled fists gripping the front of the other man's kimono and his eyes red with held-back tears.
But his fury and pleas broke across Kondou's impassable calm like so much wind against a mountain.
Finally Kondou narraowed his eyes at his friend and…
"This is a direct order! You will go to Ichikawa to meet with the rest of our men, and Yukimura and Shimada will go with you!"

Hijikata looked at him as though he'd been slapped. He stumbled back, shocked by the force of Kondou's voice.
"You're going to tell me what to do…? What the hell is this?!"
His eyes were still dry, but his voice trembled.
"Aren't your chief's orders absolute? You've ordered plenty of men to kill themselves or become a fury from disobeying that rule, but you are somehow an exception? Is that the sort of warrior you want to be?"

Hijikata turned away and said nothing.
As long as he'd been commander, Hijikata had strove to lead by example. He had lived by the Code, and demanded that others do likewise, so the the Shinsengumi might have true samurai.
No doubt Kondou had counted on that fact.
He meant to use it to keep Hijikata alive.
"Shimada, Yukimura, I want you to leave with Toshi. If you take too long, they'll attack, and my surrender will have meant nothing."
He gave Shimada and me a little shove to get us moving. Shimada turned to look at Hijikata.
For a moment, he said nothing.
"Commander… Let's go."

Hijikata didn't move. He only stood, chewing at his lip, until Kondou laid his hands on his friend's shoulders and gave him a warm smile.
"Hey, Toshi… Let it go. Let me go. You've run yourself ragged trying to earn me the status and fame that I wanted. You even turned yourself into a fury… It kills me to see you do all these things for me… I'm not worth it."
Hijikata didn't look up. He blinked rapidly, trying to hold back tears, and stared desperately at the floor.
Then he swallowed, and when he spoke his voice was tight and strained.
"I… If I do this, then what have I been fighting for all these years? I became a warrior, served our country… I won battles and killed men… All because I thought you'd be there at the end, to celebrate with us…"
He sounded just like Kondou had, after the battle at Koufu Castle.
Kondou frowned.
"I'm sorry… I brought you here. I did this to you. When I think about it now…it was all sort of a dream. We weren't real samurai, but we strapped on our swords and went to work for the imperial court."
His voice was warm, but it seemed that very kindness make it even harder for Hijikata.
He took a deep breath, and squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears to go away.
The room was silent for a few long moments before he finally spoke.
"Shimada… Send a message to our remaining men. We need to secure an escape route."
"Yes, Sir!"
"Chizuru, stay here. Once we're ready, I'll come get you."
"All right…"
With that, Hijikata and Shimada left, and Kondou and I were alone.
He reached into his kimono and pulled something out.
"Yukimura… Take this with you."
He handed me a small cloth bag. It clinked as he laid it in my hand.
"What is it…?"
Money. To help you escape. I wasn't able to do anything for you. This is a token of my appreciation, for all you've done for us. Please take it."

How could he be so kind when his situation was so grim?
His warmth still lingered on the bag as I took it. I felt a lump rise in my throat.
"You still have time. I'll tell Toshi. Once you get away, go somewhere safe and look for Doctor Matsumoto. I don't think they'd do anything too bad to a girl like you. Just forget you ever had anything to do with us. Marry a man you love, and live a peaceful life. Find happiness."
I shook my head.
"No, I won't run. I want to go with Hijikata."
"I'm…I'm his page…"
I bit my lip, afraid that if I said any more I might cry. Instead, I looked up at Kondou and did my best to smile.
His eyes were warm as he looked down at me.
"I see… Toshi's been blessed with some great friends, hasn't he? I'll be counting on you, then. Take care of him for me."

I tried to respond, but the lump in my throat made any sort of speech impossible.

…
Eventually Hijikata and Shimada returned, and we left the Kaneko mansion.
I looked back over my shoulder many times as we ran, thinking about how-soon now-Kondou would be surrendering to his enemies.
Perhaps, I thought to myself time and again, if we turn back now we can still rescue him.
There have to be ways all four of us can escape…
Shimada seemed to feel the same way, but Hijikata never once turned to look back.

…
We ran and ran, through the forest to Ichikawa.
It didn't matter how quickly we got there-it wouldn't be soon enough to bring back an army to save Kondou.
We all knew that, but Hijikata didn't slow down.
Shimada glanced over at me in concern.
"Are you all right, Yukimura? I can carry you if you're getting tired."
"I'm fine. I can keep going!"
Hijikata, his back to us, said nothing, but I could feel the pain that tore at him with every step he took away from Kondou.

…
The sun had begun to dip toward the western horizon and night had started to fall, when…
"Hey! You there! Stop! Where are you headed?"
It was an imperial soldier.

Hijikata stopped and gave a frustrated sigh. He frowned, and made to walk past the soldier.
Another soldier stepped forward.
"Hey, he said stop! Goddammit, are you another one of those shogunate guys?"
The first guy suddenly suddenly narrowed his eyes at Hijikata.
"Wait… I've seen this guy before… …That's it! He's Hijikata, from the Shinsengumi!"
The second guy grabbed his gun.
"What?! The Shinsengumi? You mean the guys who offed Sakamoto?!"
As they began to scramble for their guns, I notices the mark of the Tosa Domain on their uniforms.
Unfortunately, they weren't fast enough to beat Hijikata.
His hair snapped white, and he shot toward the soldiers, Kanesada in hand.
"Aaaaaah!"
"Gah-!"
His strike was so fast and elegant that the eye barely even had time to realize it had happened before two men fell dead to the ground.
"Wrong day to fuck with me, boys."
A volley of gunfire erupted from the rest of the imperial soldiers nearby.
"Gah!"
I heard the wet thunk of bullets hitting Hijikata, and he stumbled but almost immediately his wounds began to close.
"That's how getting shot feels, huh…? Not as bad as I thought. This is nothing! This doesn't even come close to what Kondou's going through right now!"
Hijikata launched himself at the nearest of the riflemen, his sword already in motion and his face twisted by grief and anger.
There were only a few men-even without the powers of a fury, Hijikata and Shimada could have made short work of them.
But the rage and frustration had been boiling inside him ever since we'd left Kondou, and now they erupted in a torrent of violence.
"No! Stop!" I screamed. "Don't do this!"
He had to understand what he was doing-
"Shut up! Stay out of this, goddammit!"
He knew full well what he was doing, but he was past caring.
Hijikata leapt from tree to tree, his sword flashing like lightning. Every time it moved, a life ended.
Rage, anguish, and an unrestrained thirst for blood radiated out from him like heat from a fire. I could feel it, even from where I stood.
Blood soaked his face, chest, and hands, and still he cut and cut; never satisfied.
Shimada watched in horror.
I saw him shiver out of the corner of my eye.
I couldn't blame him… Hijikata looked as if he'd forgotten how to do anything but kill. every move he made drew blood, and every swing of his sword spilled a man out onto the dirt.
He looked like a monster.
At last the only person still alive was Hijikata himself. Silence fell over the forest again.
He turned to face us, every inch of skin slick with blood.
"Shimada… Go see if there are any more of them."
"Y-Yes, sir!"
He disappeared into the forest, desperate to distance himself from the carnage.
"…You. Go with him."
His voice was cold and rough, like stones grinding against one another.
Normally I would have immediately done as he asked, and headed off into the forest after Shimada.
But this time…
"What the hell? I gave you an order."
His words cut like a knife, but I didn't move.
"I'm sorry… But I can't do that."
"I am your commanding officer. I am giving you an order!"
He sounded angry, as he often did, but behind that anger was a deep, miserable sadness.
If he didn't stay angry, I felt, he would probably cry.
"I promise I won't get in your way, but please just let me stay here with you."
I knew there was nothing I could do for him, but neither could I bear to leave him alone.
He turned his back to me-to everything. His face was hidden from me, but suddenly his tall back and broad shoulders seemed small, tired, and very, very lonely.
What could I say to him? How could I make him feel better?
I searched my soul for something, anything, but I came up empty.
After an interminable, miserable silence, he finally spoke.
"What the hell did I do...all this for?"
How could this be the card fate had dealt two men so honest and determined? It just wasn't fair…
"Was it just so I could give Kondou to those bastards? I busted my ass to give my friend to the enemy? I was going to make him important. Help carry him all the way to the top. Kansei Teikun and Kiyomasa wouldn't have anything on him. I wanted to see him fight in real battles, the kind they write about. I wanted to see him become a true warrior. I wanted to see just how for the owner of a dojo from the sticks and a farmer's son could go."
Hijikata's voice had begun to shake.
I wasn't even sure he still knew I was there. If he did, it seemed he no longer cared.
"I thought we were shooting for the same dream. Long as it was for him, I felt like I could do anything. So what the hell am I doing here, alive, while he's…he's god-knows-what?! After all the self-righteous preaching, what did I do?! I turned around and left him to the wolves! Hell, I'm just like the shogun! Soon as things got dangerous, I turned tail and left better men to deal with my mess! Goddammit! Why am I alive?!"
It tore me apart to hear him talk like that. I couldn't bear to just stand and listen.
I wrapped my arms around him as far as they would go, and pressed my face against his back.
He said nothing.
So I did instead.
"Kondou said… I mean, after you left, I told him that you'd figure it out. And he said that I was asking too much of you…"
No, I told myself, you can't cry. Hijikata is in far more pain than you are.
But to no avail.
So the tears began to fall, and I struggled ahead.
"I know how much you care about Kondou, but he did what he did because he feels the same about you. Don't you see? It's not your fault. You can't blame yourself… Kondou didn't want you to die. That's why you're still alive. He ordered you to leave. You didn't have a choice! Just… Please, don't blame yourself…"
Hijikata listened, saying nothing.
…Or perhaps he didn't even hear me.
Why did words feel so powerless when I needed them most? What good were they if I couldn't comfort someone I cared for when they needed it most?
After several long minutes, I felt Hijikata relax.
"He did it to save me… But what the hell am I supposed to do without Isami Kondou of the Shinsengumi? The dream of making him somebody important is what got me here. Now that that's gone… I don't have anything left. I'm nothing."
He gave a short bark of laughter, but there was no humor in it.
"Seriously, Kondou… Stop giving me all the shitty jobs… I'm a soldier, not a handyman, dammit…"
He choked back a sob and fell silent.

…
We met up with other shogunate troops some time later in Ichikawa, and decided to head to Nikko as remnants of the old feudal government.
Saito had been in Ichikawa for a while, but he'd left earlier for Aizu, to oversee the Fury Corps.
I worried about what would happen to Kondou, but perhaps because the situation seemed grim, none of us ever brought it up.

(OMG! That was so F*ing sad TTnTT Poor Hijikata!)