I think this might be the longest chapter I've ever written. Please read and review, it means so much to me. I'd love to hear your ideas if you have any you'd like to see.

Disclaimer: Much as I might've dreamed it all my life, I don't own Star Trek.

Jim sat in the desk chair in his cabin, his head leaned back so his eyes, had they been open would have been burning a hole in the ceiling. He honestly wondered just how he was going to be able to handle this. So far he hadn't even run into either his mother or step-father in person and he was already having trouble (although he wasn't fooling himself into thinking he didn't know where the snickering as he announced his rank and title originated). He had just come back from the bridge after coordinating the ship's departure, and his nerves were fraying from the terrible combination of fatigue and nervous energy plaguing him. He wasn't quite sure what to do with the concern from his crewmembers, and he was not too keen about having to deal with that on top of everything else for the next two weeks. The only thing he wanted right now was some sleep, to blot out the world and all of the problems this day had brought if only for a few hours. In the classic pattern of his life and this day in particular, his door chose this aggravating moment to chime, announcing a visitor.

Forcing himself to change his instant response of 'go away' to a simple audible sigh, Kirk picked his head up, rubbed his eyes and called out "Come".

The door opened to the imposing sight of the ship's chief medical officer.

"Bones, is there any way this can wait? I'm kind of tired and talking is really the last thing I want to do right now." Kirk knew the statement would accomplish very little, since Bones knew him better than just about anyone and wouldn't have come if the matter was something he would allow to be pushed off. Sure enough, the doctor marched right into the cabin letting the doors slide shut behind him.

"Who said anything about talking? You really think I have nothing better to do with my time than to listen to your genius, kiddy kid comedy routine? I've spent the last hour listening to a bunch of scientists harangue me about everything from arthritis to their body going through a period which includes the symptom of purple pus spontaneously shooting out of a pore I've never seen before and whose purpose I couldn't even begin to guess at. I've just gotten back to my quarters where I had this little devil trying to seduce me. Since I knew I might not be able to make myself stop once I got started, I figured if someone else helped me I'd be less likely to be regretting it in the morning."

Jim's hope lifted its head up from its slump on the floor and sniffed the air as Bones pulled a bottle from behind his back. "Is that Saurian brandy?"

"You think I'd be here wasting your time if it wasn't?"

Jim couldn't quite explain the lump in his throat that rose up at the doctor's intentions. He knew from experience that Bones would want him to talk, to deal with what he was feeling right now, but Jim wasn't really ready to deal with that just then, and Bones knew that. He also knew Jim would need some kind of comfort right about now, and he picked out the perfect prescription. Kirk had never really had anyone in his life who cared to know him well enough to figure out what he needed and when he needed it, and he couldn't describe just what it meant to him.

The two men sat in the comfortable, companionable silence which only those with a rich friendship can find. The only sounds in the semi-lit room for the next half hour were the clinking of glasses and the sipping of drinks. After those thirty minutes the bottle was three-quarters empty and the two men had yet to speak since McCoy had plopped himself down on the chair in front of the desk. Finally the silence was broken quickly with one quick sentence.

"How are you holding up, Jim?"

Had Bones asked this question when he first came in or in a different tone of voice Kirk would've clammed up tight. But he had come with the bottle, he'd sat and drank with him and he hadn't said a word. He'd asked his question in a voice as far from his normal drawling baritone as possible, barely above a whisper. Kirk knew that if he decided he didn't want to talk about it McCoy would table the issue and that would be the end of it. It was not an interrogation, it was an opening. If Jim wanted to talk, McCoy was giving him a way to start, knowing Jim Kirk would never do so himself. Having been given that courtesy and understanding Jim decided he did want to talk, at least a tiny bit.

"I'm not really sure. It's difficult enough just knowing they're here, I don't know what will happen when I run into them."

McCoy carefully considered what he'd heard from his friend before coming up with his reply, knowing this particular discussion was one he had to keep short and sweet. The longer one could wait.

"Makes sense, but that's not what's bothering you most right now, is it?"

He was rewarded with the tiniest, barest hint of a smirk.

"Been taking classes from Spock, have you?"

McCoy snorted. "I don't need any green-blooded mind-reading mumbo-jumbo to hear your classic avoidance technique of making a relevant comment so nobody will suspect the one you should have said."

Kirk shook his ruefully. "I should've known better than to try to pull one over on you."

"Yes, you should've, but if you did you wouldn't be the little runt you are, now what is it that's got you wound up worse than Scotty dealing with starbase engineers right now?"

Kirk took a long sip of his brandy to stall for a little time before answering. "They know."

McCoy nodded his head, now knowing what was going through his best friends mind.

"All of the senior staff, Bones. The closest any people have ever been to me. They all know. I could feel the changes in the way they look at me. I never wanted them to find out."

McCoy tensed slightly. "Jim, if you'd said the word I would've never-. " Jim just waved him off.

"I know Bones, I told you to tell them. Thanks for that by the way, I don't think I could've faced it. They needed to know, there's no way we could last the next two weeks without them knowing. But…"

"You never wanted them to have to know" McCoy finished a long moment after Jim trailed off.

Jim nodded. "What now Bones? Everything's going to be different now. I'm not their invincible Captain anymore. They know how weak I am now-"

"Stop it, Jim!" McCoy snapped, interrupting Kirk's tirade. "You are not weak, you never were, and if you don't get that through that thick skull of yours I'm going to log you in for daily physicals! And as for the rest of the guys, those people love you, they'd never see you as weak. You're still their invincibly idiotic Captain, the one who would do anything for them and who they'd follow to the ends of creation." McCoy stood and picked up the now empty bottle of brandy before placing a light hand on Kirk's shoulder. "You're right, things will be different now. For people who really care about each other, helping one through pain brings them closer, not farther. And you know that better than anyone." McCoy strode over to the door which swished open in front of him and paused, turning to meet the startled eyes following him on his way.

"Get some sleep, Captain."

After the doors slid shut, Kirk sat there staring for another few moments, feeling a not quite childish relief at a not quite childish thought. He was still the Captain. He still had his crew. After letting that sink in, Kirk stood up and headed for his bedroom. He needed some sleep. Tomorrow was going to be a tough day, and the first thing you learn in command school is that tough days are always prejudiced against the Captain.

Kirk walked through engineering, a crowd on his heels. The reception earlier that morning in the mess hall had been one of the shortest Kirk had ever seen; unlike diplomats this crowd didn't get their kicks out of an incessant need to do nothing but talk until they physically couldn't anymore. With things winding down so much quicker than expected, Kirk had decided to take the opportunity to make the unspoken but still mandatory offer of the captain's tour of the ship. A large group had decided to follow him, and Kirk had been showing them around for nearly an hour. Admittedly, this was definitely one of the less onerous tasks of reception duty- talking about his ship wasn't something that really burdened Jim, and these guests had many more intelligent questions and comments than the usual, as well as being both more interested and more permitted to view the ship's technical areas.

"And on our left we have the backup plasma injector assembly. Crewman Dearborn here" Kirk nodded to the wiry man in the redshirt, "is just finishing up realigning the injectors." Kirk wanted very much to commend the young man's work, which he could tell deserved it, but in front of the guests he was afraid it would come off as patronizing. Kirk had always been in the habit of making deserved comments about the quality of his crews' work, but this case was even more important to him than normal. Dearborn had been sent to the Enterprise on her initial recommissioning following the battle with the Vengeance, and he'd been the victim of a tyrant of a supervisor on his previous assignment. The harsh and unwarranted critique had destroyed the man's confidence in his work, so Kirk and Scott had made a particular point to make sure Dearborn knew they were more than satisfied with his performance whenever they ran across him.

As Kirk turned away to lead them toward the dilithium assembly, a monotonous voice stopped him cold.

"Are you planning on letting him know one of the ones he's supposedly done with is misaligned, or shall we just wait until it blows us all to pieces?"

Kirk had heard that voice, as well as the disappointment in it, too many times to have made any mistake as to who it was. As he slowly turned to look back into the crowd, he easily spotted the blond and gray haired woman in a blue Starfleet uniform who had all the heads in the crowd turned towards her. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Dearborn flinch brutally at the comment, and he began to seethe. It wasn't enough that she had to come and make him wary and uncomfortable on his own ship, but to assault his crew? Especially in a way that hit one of them close to home? That was going over the line, but to lose it here would cause any number of problems.

Making a herculean effort to keep his voice steady and his volume at an appropriate level, Jim addressed his mother for the first time in over 7 years.

"Our chief engineer has developed a habit with his staff of running the assembly as he finishes each individual injector to see which ones might get knocked out of alignment faster, and then going back over them quickly afterwards looking for ones that may have misaligned . It makes the procedure take slightly longer, but it helps him keep ahead of maintenance needs." Somewhat optimistically thinking the discussion closed, Jim tried to turn back around and lead them away again, but his mother apparently couldn't leave well enough alone.

"That's a foolish and wasteful procedure, it causes more wear and tear on the injectors by running them with the assembly open and not actually being used."

Unable to resist his growing anger enough to hold back the snark, Kirk bit off, "I'll be sure to file a reprimand for making our injectors give out thirty seconds sooner than they would have otherwise."

"It might be more prudent to just make your chief engineer follow the rules instead."

His eyes narrowed down to slits. "I beg your pardon."

Winona gave a small sneer. "You are aware that there is a regulation procedure for a reason? If your chief is unwilling to follow those rules I'm sure you could get an Admiral to give him a dressing down."

That was the last straw. Kirk's temper blew sky high. He knew a few ways to hit her where it hurt and he was sooo going to use them. "Commander Garson, you are so far beyond out of line I should throw you in the brig for insubordination!" Oops, there it was. Her eyes narrowed as she took offense. Jim knew she wouldn't be happy with him emphasizing the fact that he had a rank higher than hers. And the name had always been his secret weapon when the two of them had major fights. When she and Frank had married, Winona had refused to change her name and didn't like anyone referring to her as anything other than Winona Kirk.

"With all due respect, sir, I'm merely pointing out that your chief engineer is blatantly violating the regulations, something it is your job to enforce."

"It's not a violation of the regs to not use the official procedure. Nothing he is doing is violating the safety regulations, and before it gets to that point, I'm more than happy to leave it up to my chief's discretion."

"So you're teaching your crew your philosophy that rules are for others?"

Kirk thanked his lucky stars that the comm chose this moment to let out its incessant beep, as he was sure whatever would've come out of his mouth next would have breached the fine line of civility they'd still been at least toeing, despite the rise in volume.

"Captain Kirk, to the bridge please."

Jim had never been so happy to hear the even tone of his first officer, sounding even more disproportionately calm than normal on the cusp of the argument he'd interrupted. Punching the comm on the wall a little harder than strictly necessary, Kirk bit out a swift "on my way" and turned to Scotty, who'd been drawn by the raised voices. "Mr. Scott, if you'd be so kind as to finish up the tour of your department. And," Jim couldn't resist the fury coursing through his veins enough to hold back one final dig. "Try to keep an eye out for any walls that might not be painted quite according to regulation."

Barely staying long enough to catch Scotty's quiet acknowledgement, Jim turned on his heel and headed out of engineering. Whatever Spock wanted it had to be better than what he'd been dealing with down here.

Jim strode out of the turbolift toward Spock's science station, where he found the Vulcan peering over his readouts along with Carol Marcus.

"Spock?"

Both officers turned to regard him as he approached.

"Captain" began Spock. "We have found something most curious."

Carol took over at that point. "For the past hour, we've been getting some intermittent motion readings on the extreme range of our sensors."

Kirk frowned. This didn't sound good. "Could it be an instrument malfunction?"

Carol shook her head. "No, I ran two full diagnostics. All of the equipment is functioning perfectly."

Kirk turned to Spock. "What about a natural phenomenon distorting our readings?"

"There are no known stellar phenomena in the area which would account for these readings."

"What about an unknown phenomenon?"

Spock raised one pointed eyebrow. "Always a possibility, Captain, however this region of space is quite well traveled. The statistical likelihood that such an object has gone unnoticed up to now is approximately 247.54 to 1."

Kirk pursed his lips. "A ship then?"

Spock inclined his head to the side. "Possibly, however the anomalies have appeared too far apart to reasonably account for only one vessel keeping up with the Enterprise. And if it is a vessel, or vessels, I am at a loss to explain the inconsistent and non-substantive nature of our sensor contact."

Kirk ran his hands over his face. He should've known better than to jinx Spock's call. He wondered of this mission was ever going to stop sucker-punching him.

Kirk turned to Uhura. "Lieutenant, I want all hands on a silent yellow alert. Keep it discreet. I don't want the delegates getting wind of this."

"Aye, sir."

"Mr. Chekov, maintain a constant sweep around the ship for any sign of another contact. The moment you get a positive reading of another vessel, you get those shields up."

"Aye, Keptin."

"Spock, Carol, keep working on those sensor readings, but don't direct any active sensor beams at those blips if you can help it. If we are being shadowed, I don't want them to know we're aware of them."

Spock and Marcus both acknowledged the order and turned to their instruments.

Kirk sighed and turned to the yeoman on duty to ask for a cup of coffee. This was turning out to be a long day.

Uhura walked the corridor in silence. She'd just come from the mess hall, where ship's scuttlebutt was dealing with the Captain's knockdown drag out with whom Uhura knew to be his mother. She wasn't quite sure why she was now looking for Kirk. She didn't really know how she could help him. All she knew was that from the sound of things, they'd had a rough fight. And then having more stress added right afterwards with three hours of chasing ghosts in the dark that might be stalking them, Uhura just figured he could probably use a friend right about now. He hadn't been in his quarters, which meant there was only one other place he was likely to be dealing with a long, draining day.

Nyota strode onto the darkened forward observation deck quietly but not disguising her footsteps, trying to approach the silent pensive figure of her captain without sneaking up.

"Something I can help you with Lieutenant?"

Uhura had had too much experience with this to be startled, but she still couldn't figure out how he did it. Her reflection wouldn't be visible in the window yet from his position, so she hadn't a clue how Kirk had known it was her. But he had known. He always knew.

"I was actually going to ask you the same question."

Kirk's reflection in the window took on a small humorless smirk. "I take it you've heard about the little incident in engineering and are now following the example of Bones and half the crew of asking how I am."

Nyota came up beside him on his left and leaned on the railing. "Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to talk about any of it."

Kirk turned to look at her with a small inquisitive stare.

"You've got a massive delegation onboard for two weeks, including some- familiar unsavory characters (Kirk snorted at the description) and now the possibility of our being stalked by another ship or two. If I were in your place I think I might want to talk over some of the stress I was under with a friend. Or at least know the option is there."

Kirk regarded her for a moment before closing his eyes and smiling slightly. "Thanks."

Uhura noticed that Jim hadn't answered her about whether or not he wanted to talk, so she simply stood there, looking out at the stars even after Kirk turned back to the window, providing her presence for whatever comfort it might be while allowing him time to make a decision.

"Frank was nothing more than a bully." They'd been standing there for at least ten minutes before Kirk started speaking. "He was just a big bully who happened to live with us. I hated him and hated having to deal with his comments, his friends, his fists…"

Uhura respected the silence as he searched for the words to go on.

"But it was never too personal with him. I knew he thought of me as dirt, but he wasn't someone whose opinion ever mattered to me. But she was my mother." Jim's voice started wobbling. "For the longest time I could never figure out why nothing I did was good enough. And that cut me much deeper than Frank ever managed to. She'd be away on missions most of the time, leaving me with the scum bag. I always had this vision for the longest time that the next time she'd come back what I'd done this time while she'd been away would be enough to impress her, but it never was. And finally, I realized that it would never happen. So I stopped caring. Started getting into trouble left and right. Eventually I stole my dad's old car that Frank had taken for himself and drove it into a chasm (Nyota's eyebrows shot up, eliciting a small chuckle from Jim) and that was the last straw. After that they sent- I started seeing less and less of them, but still getting in so much trouble, until I wound up in that bar."

Nyota sensed that Jim had cut himself off, but respected Jim's privacy in whatever he'd been about to reveal.

"I- I know that I shouldn't let her disappointment matter to me anymore-"

"Who told you that?"

Jim seemed startled by the question.

"Jim, she's your mother. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being upset with the way she's treating you. You deserve better than what she's been giving you all of your life. She's punishing you for things that weren't your fault, and subjecting you to conditions no child deserves to live in." Nyota grabbed Kirk's jaw and turned his head to look at her. "I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how such a good person came out of conditions like that. But never doubt that one did, or that we all are very appreciative of having you in our lives. She's the one missing out, not you."

Jim blushed and turned away, staring back out into the depths of space, admiring, watching- searching. He and Nyota stood there in companionable silence for another hour. Nothing more was said. Nothing more needed to be.

The next morning under the practiced hand of Hikaru Sulu Enterprise slid smoothly into orbit around its first destination, the planet Tarquan. Tarquan was a long time colony world, one of the first few settled by humanity once they had deemed colonization a feasible endeavor. As such, the colony was rather on the old side, a state which had begun taking its toll. Prior to the destruction of Vulcan Tarquan had been slated to receive quite a number of professional repairs and upgrades from off-world, however with the fall of one of the Federation's founding worlds and most of said world's species, resources had been diverted. Now parts of the colony were falling into various states of disrepair, making it and others in the same boat one of the primary objectives of Enterprise's mission.

Kirk strolled down the corridor toward the transporter room chatting casually with Bones, Scotty, and Carol, the other officers who'd be making up the initial landing party. Jim had managed to get a better night's sleep than he'd have anticipated prior to his discussion with Uhura, something for which he'd expressed his gratitude with a simple look as he had come onto the bridge that morning. Her receiving look had shown she understood, and no more needed to be said. Now, Kirk felt reasonably well supplied with his normal buoyant energy, the thrill of heading down to a planet he'd never been to offsetting much of the stress he'd been under. At least until he got to the transporter room.

The Enterprise officers were heading down to the colony to look into what kind of help the ship itself could offer while they were here, while many of their guests would be going down to evaluate what would be needed and had been overlooked long term. As Kirk walked into the transporter room, it took all of his formidable self-control not to stop short and stare as he took in the delegates ready to beam down.

'Of course he'd be going down there, you idiot. He's a contractor for a structural engineering firm, that's why he's here in the first place. You're supposed to see a couple of steps ahead, be aware of the big picture. You can't be getting surprised by obvious things like this!' Kirk berated himself as he took in the older but still familiar figure of his stepfather standing at the head of one group of the impending expedition consisting of a number of men wearing patches from his firm. Ignoring the figure who'd let a slight sneer cross his face as he spotted the Captain, Kirk turned instead to the man sitting at the transporter station behind the protective screen.

"Status Mr. Kyle?"

Kyle turned to regard his captain and gave a crisp report. "Captain, we've received the coordinates for the lobby where Governor Kildawe wants to greet you."

"Fantastic, Mr. Kyle," Kirk replied before turning to address the delegates. "This is how we're going to work this. I will beam down with my landing party first to greet the governor speak about how he wants to arrange the various evaluations-"

"Because no captain would be expected to have a plan of his own on how to deal with that," muttered Frank, earning a tiny guffaw from a couple of his men.

"-and will then send for the groups to beam down according to how he wishes them" Kirk continued as if he hadn't heard.

With a nod to his passengers Kirk, McCoy, Scott, and Carol took to the transporter pads along with security guards Brantley and Michaels. As he stood on the pad Kirk had a brief moment of introspection to reflect on just how much less he was looking forward to this excursion simply from knowing Frank would be along to make mischief.

"Ready Captain," Kyle signaled to him.

With a sigh that would've deafened a telepath but which no one else could even hear, Kirk gave the order.

"Energize."