Explanation/Disclaimer: If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean Congress is the opposite of Progress?
Quickie #13: INDEPENDANCE DAY SPECIAL (Not a sale)
The Time: 1775 AD
The Place: Philadelphia, PA
The Reason: An obscure setting for an even more obscure comedy
What's The Point: N/A
We open up through a long tunnel, finally ending in a burst of light. We'd like to thank ACME detective agency for use of the Chronoskimmer. We'd also like to thank everyone that gets that reference.
Ash,
in typical 1700's attire including those funky hats, is hammering out
something in his blacksmith shop. Ash looks at his creation. A very
old fashion looking pokeball. The young man dips it in cold water,
and a burst of steam shoots out. "Well," He says, "That
should do it..."
Ash takes the pokeball, winds up and
throws it at a rattata, "Alright Rattata, I got you!!!"
The pokeball looks great as it flies through the air, until
that is, it fails to open, and cracks the small mouse pokemon in the
head, killing it instantly. Ash gasps at what he's done and runs
over to his pokeball and examines it. "I don't know what I
could be doing wrong!" he moans.
Brock
walks over, (also in 1700's attire, though he doesn't have the queer
hat on), and looks at the ball. "Well, HERE'S your problem
Ash..." he explains, "Most pokeballs, they have a hinge to
open up right here... and here... and then there's the energy recall
chip, and all sorts of microchips. What you have here is a large
hunk of metal, shaped into a ball with the words "Pokebal"
written on it in ink. Plus, you misspelt pokeball."
Ash
looks at the object for a moment deep in thought. "So..."
Ash concludes, "You're saying I should add another 'L' to it?"
Brock
sighs and shakes his head and walks away silently.
"Are
you saying I'm never going to catch anything with this?" Ash
asks.
"Ash... how long have you been working on this?" Brock asks.
"Six months." Ash answers.
"And
how many pokemon have you killed by now?" Brock asks.
"Twenty-Seven." Ash replies.
"I thought it was Twenty-Eight." Brock asked.
"No, the ditto I tried to catch is only brain damaged." Ash explains.
"Ah,"
Brock replied, "Well at any rate, I think you should give up on
that for now, and help me work on this Liberty Bell, the Continental
Congress wants it done by the 4th, and you know..."
Ash
interrupts, "Alright, stop... stop..."
Brock looks
at Ash confused, "What?"
"This is just stupid,"
Ash complains.
"What is?" Brock says even more confused.
"This
whole episode!" Ash complains, "Why the hell are we in
1776? And why am I dressed like this? And what are we doing in
Philadelphia?"
"Well... Independence Day is coming
up in a few days." Brock explains.
"So?"
Ash asks, "Why is a Japanese Anime, celebrating Independence
Day? It just doesn't make sense!"
"Ash!"
Brock says, "Calm down, its no big deal..."
Ash in a
fit of rage takes his 'pokeball' and hurls it as hard as he can. The
ball slams into the bell and flies off through the window. The bell
rings loudly then cracks.
Ash
and Brock stares at the broken bell for a minute, and Ash says, "You
know... I would have never guessed that that's how the Liberty Bell
got its crack."
There's a knock at the door, and in walks
the last member of your trio, Misty... who oddly is NOT in 1700's
duds, but in her typical shorts and t-shirt outfit.
"Hey!"
Ash says, "How come you're not in trousers?"
"Why
would I be in trousers?" Misty asks.
"Well... then
we could call it, "In -De-Pants Day" Ash says grinning
broadly.
Brock shakes his head and says, "Well that one line just made this whole episode worthwhile now..."
Misty
just rolls her eyes, and holds out Ash's 'pokeball'. "Did you
lose your Pokeball of Death again Ash?"
Ash
takes it away from her and says, "Thanks! I think it's almost
ready to work." With that Ash hurls it at an unlucky Caterpie
that had wiggled its way into the dark shop. With a loud "SQUISH"
noise the ball split the bug pokemon in two. "Aw... damnit"
Ash says crestfallenly, "I don't know what's wrong with it... I
even wrote the extra L on it now... Maybe I need to make it
heavier..."
Misty and Brock watch Ash in disbelief for a
minute, and then Brock asks the young lady, "So what brings you
here?"
"Well,"
Misty says, "Ben Franklin says he has a job for us. Tonight
there's a shipment of tea coming in from England."
"Oh,"
Brock says, "So we're going to get the Sons of Liberty, dress
like Indians, and dump the entire cargo of tea into the bay?"
Misty
looks at Brock for a minute with an impressed look on her face.
"Actually, no..." She finally replies, "We were just
going to go and try to buy the tea, and then pay with nothing but
pennies... and try to shortchange them... but... I like you're idea
better! Let's do it!"
"Pokeball GO!!!" Ash
cries out suddenly interrupting the older teens, and Misty and Brock
yelp in terror and duck and cover as Ash hurls his lethal object at
an unsuspecting Hoothoot.
***LATER THAT NIGHT...
After
having fried hoothoot for dinner, our trio head off into the night.
"Alright," Ash says, "I think it's tea time."
"This little sneak attack is in the bag." Brock
replies
Misty
made a groaning noise.
"Come on Misty," Ash said,
"Don't give us any of your lip-ton."
"Yeah,
you're you'll be in hot water!"
Misty groaned loudly and
walked ahead of them with her fingers in her ears going,
"La-lalalalala, I can't here you..."
Brock and Ash
look at each other for a minute, until finally Ash says, "Looks
like Misty needs to brewed for a little."
"Nice
one..."
"Thanks" Ash says proudly and the two
jog to catch up to the redhead.
***ON
THE SHIP...
The
trio sneak quietly onto the British cargo ship and hide behind some
boxes. Misty pokes her head over the top of a crate and checks
around, and then sits back down. "Alright guys," Misty
explains, "It seems like the British are occupied
elsewhere..."
"I wonder where all the guards could
be?" Ash asked.
***MEANWHILE,
AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL...
We see the outside of the house of ill gains, and from within we hear someone with a cockney accent cry out, "Oh, the British are coming... the BRITISH are COMING!!!!"
***BACK TO THE SHIP...
"The
only problem I see," Misty explains, "Is there's a wild
Jigglypuff on the bow of the ship... If it sees us, it'll want to
sing, and we'll fall asleep... and when the guards return... well...
it wont be good."
Ash stands up, "Don't worry guys,
I'll handle this."
Ash pulls out his homemade 'pokeball'
and yells, "Jigglypuff, you're mine!!!" And hurls it at the
pink pokemon. The lead ball careens off the skull of the pokemon,
knocking it clean off the boat and into the waters below.
"Would you STOP with the pokemon killing?" Misty hissed angrily at Ash, "What is WRONG with you?"
Ash
just shrugs sheepishly, while Brock just shakes his head and gets up
and heads over to the cargo. "Well, at any rate," he says,
"The coast is clear."
Ash stands up and looks
around, and asks, "Are you crazy?" Ash walks off screen
and comes back with a TV screen showing the weather radar of
Philadelphia, "Just take a look at the fog that's rolling in,
I'd say the coast wont be clear for a few days, but soon a low
pressure front should come in and push out this nasty weather, and
we should clear up just in time for the big holiday weekend."
"Are
you done?" Misty asked.
Ash ponders this for a moment then says, "Yep... I'm done." And tosses the monitor overboard finishing off the Jigglypuff that was struggling in the water.
Brock
quietly sung, "Gotta kill them alllllll..."
"Alright,"
Ash says picking up a box filled with tea, "Let's do this
thing..."
"Wait!"
Brock says, "I'll stand guard and I'll let you know if I see any
guards coming. I'll use lanterns to warn you. One if by land... Two
if By Sea... Three if by Time Machine."
"Time
Machine?!?!" Misty and Ash asks together.
"Oh
yeah...." Brock explains, "This critical part of history,
there's time travelers all around this place... take a look at over
there."
Brock points over to a young red haired kid and a
white dog in glasses. "And here Sherman," Peabody
explains, "We have one of the first blows landed by the US
before the war."
"Golly, Mr. Peabody!" Sherman
says.
"Damn straight," Says the dog.
"Alright..." Ash says, "NOW can we do this thing?"
The
trio nods and starts flinging the cargo overboard. After a little
while, Ash comes up to Misty with a necklace... "Hey check out
what I found! Its a Indiana Jones' necklace!"
"So?"
Misty asks.
"Its
the perfect day to find this!" Ash exclaims.
"Ok...
I'll bite, I'll be sorry I did... why is the perfect day to find
that?" Misty asks.
"Because,
today is 'Indy Pendent Day"
Misty
just glares at Ash in disbelief and then goes back to throwing crates
overboard. "Now see..." Ash says sullenly, "BROCK
would have found that funny..."
The two go back to work,
but after a while Misty says, "You know, not that I want to
complain, but I think this story is slightly historically
inaccurate..."
"How so?" Ash says tossing in a
Mr. Coffee Iced Tea maker.
"I
dunno," Misty says, looking out at the Monitor and the Merrimack
battling in the bay. "It's the little things..."
"Such
as..." Ash asks.
While Ash asks, the two young teens watch as Godzilla stomps into the harbor, and levels the Merrimack with a powerful sonic wave it shoots out of its mouth, blowing the boat to pieces.
"See
what I mean?" Misty asks.
"Yeah!!!" Ash says
indignantly, "That's ridiculous!!! Godzilla breaths FIRE, not
sonic waves!"
Misty sighs.
"Well," Ash
says, "It's not that bad... I mean, just a few little
mistakes."
***Meanwhile...
Teddy
Roosevelt begins the American Revolutionary War against the French by
charging up Normandy Beach yelling "Remember the Texaco!"
(Feel
free to use this fanfic as a study aid kids)
***BACK TO THE SHIP...
"You
know..." Ash says throwing another crate into the water, "This
is kinda fun."
"Yeah!" Misty agrees, "Kinda
a good stress reliever, and you know... UH OH!!! Ash... we're in
trouble, LOOK!"
Off in the distance some digletts are
digging through the soil with lanterns on their heads, two of them,
two lights. "Two if by sea!" Ash says.
Off
to the side, Peabody points down at the whole scene and explains,
with a chuckle, "And here we see... this is the first time that
Gopher were interested in Tea Time!"
"Golly Mr.
Peabody," Sherman says, "That's a good line, but Digletts
are Mole Pokemon, not Gophers Pokemon."
Mr. Peabody
glares at the boy and dips its ears back and growls, "How DARE
you ruin my pun!!!" and lunges on the small child and sinks his
teeth in his throat.
Back on the boat, Brock races up the
plank and joins with his friends, "We gotta get going, I just
saw some redcoats coming this way..."
Before Brock could finish the hull explodes in sound and light, leaving a thick fog. In the fog we hear...
????:
"Prepare for trouble, we're having a blast.
????: "Make
it double where in the past!
As
the fog clears we see Jessie, James and Meowth in traditional Red
Coat uniform. "To Protect England From Devastation."
James:
"To unite all countries into our nation!"
Jessie:
"To denounce the evils of rebellion,"
James: "To
extend our reach to... umm... shit... how do you rhyme
rebellion?"
Jessie growls, "Never mind....
JESSIE!!!"
James: "James!"
Jessie:
"Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light..."
James:
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
"That's
right!" Meowth cries out.
"A
talking Meowth!!!" Ash exclaims, "That's awesome, I'm going
to catch it!!!"
But before he could throw his lethal
pokeball, Brock takes it away from him, "Alright, that's enough
of that running gag," He says.
"Aww..."
Ash pouts.
"We're red coats in this episode" Jessie
explains, "And that means we'll make you black and
blue..."
James continues, "Our aresnal will make you
green with envy!"
"Orange you glad we told ya that?"
Meowth asks.
"Oh
come on..." Misty says exasperated, "First off... bad
puns... secondly... you guys face us so many times, what makes this
time so different?"
"Dis time we're packing heat!"
Meowth says as the Team Rocket Trio aims their guns at the twerps.
"Oh..." Misty says sweatdropping, "Good reason..."
Suddenly,
a red blur swings down and knocks away the guns. "What the...?"
James asks, and then looks up and gasps, "Oh no!! It's...
It's..." But before he can finish his mouth is covered with a
sticky white goo.
"Oh," Say the figure as he
swings down, "It's just you're friendly neighborhood Spiderman!"
Ash,
Misty, and Brock: "HURRAY!!!"
In a flash Spiderman webs up Team Rocket, then rushes into the bowels of the ship, and comes back with the leader of the British Army, Adolf Hitler, all webbed up. "Ach!!!" he cries out.
***SCENE CHANGE TO ASH IN FRONT OF A CLASSROOM...
Ash
reads from a paper, "...And that's how Spiderman single-handedly
managed to defeat the British Army and conquered the world for
America. The End."
Everyone in the class just stares at
him with open mouthed shocked expressions. Finally the teacher
speaks up, "Umm..." she says, "Interested report Mr.
Ketchum, but you do realize that I will have to administer a severe
beating after class, right?"
Ash
smiles and says cheerfully, "And with good reason!"
"Take
your seat..." The teacher says sternly, "Alright, Mr.
Tracy, please come and give you're report on Independence
Day."
"Alright," Tracy says, "First, we
open to Will Smith flying in a jet plane..."
The teacher
just puts her head on the desk and sobs...
"Looks like the teacher is experiencing "In De Pains Day!" Ash says with a broad grin.
***IRIS OUT ON ASH'S V is for Victory Hand Gesture...
THE
END
"That was a great episode!" Ash says
proudly, "Puns, weird jokes, and even a guest star! You were
great Peabody!"
Misty agrees, "Yeah, but... you
killed you're partner Sherman! How will you two do your act?"
"Oh,
that's simple," Mr. Peabody explains, "I'll just go back in
time to before I killed him and save him..."
"That'll
work?" Ash asked.
"Oh
sure, I've killed that little bastard so many times I've lost count!"
Mr. Peabody explains.
"Yeah..." Misty says, glancing
over at Tracy, "I can how that's a hard urge to
resist."
"Well, it's just like how I told Sherman
when I showed him how we won the war because we took control of the
spice market..." Peabody waits a moment, then finishes, "Thyme
is on our side."
Misty
and Brock groans, and Ash goes, "Golly!"
THE REAL
END
Wow!
I got it done on time! In fact, if you live on the West Coast, I
got it up BEFORE Independence Day. I hope everyone enjoyed this
episode as much as I did writing it. Now... you may have noticed
that there were quite a few historical inaccuracies in this
chapter... now here's what I want you to do... I want you to reread
the story... find all the historical mistakes there are, write them
down, and then... keep them to yourself because nobody likes a
smartass...
As always, reviews would be very appreciated, and in fact, there seems to be 99 reviews right now... come on people work with me here!!! One away from breaking one hundred! And one hundred and one away from 200! And nine hundred and one away from a thousand! The point is... ... I kind have forgotten the point...
...
... ...
... ... ..., well anyway, keep off the damned grass...
(By
the way, I hope you enjoyed my little holiday special and I hope it
made you laugh and made you;re holiday even better. If you are
reading this on the fourth, happy independence day!!! stay safe and
have a fun time!)
Ohhhhhh, by the way... Here's a
little question for you, "How many countries other then the US
have a Fourth of July?" The answer will be in the next fanfic.
If you just can't wait that long... feel free to E-mail me at
"Edifolco25@aol.com" (Subject heading: 'Answer', or some
crap like that)