Explanation/Disclaimer: The story you are about to see is a fib... but its short. The names are fake, but the problems are real.
Quickie #19: They Came From The Pumpkin Patch or... Halloweenies
Announcer: (talking like Dracula) "Good Evening, my children of the night, tonight is Halloween night, and our favorite trio has made a pit stop at the local pokemon center. What adventure awaits our heroes on this most unholy of nights?
We open on a dark and stormy night... thunder claps, lighting up the sign "Arkham Asylum"
Announcer:
(interrupting the scene) "Alright, can I take these
fangs out now? God damn, they're uncomfortable, what do you mean I
left the microphone on? Oh Shi... zzzzzz..."
Ash
is dragged kicking and screaming by two guards. "LET ME GO!!!"
Ash screams loudly, "You FOOLS!!! You have it all
wrong!!!"
After much struggling, the two guards manage to
throw Ash into a padded room and lock the door. "Tough kid,"
The one guard muttered, "So young..."
"Yeah
well," the second guard said, "Don't take too much pity,
this kid is dangerous."
"Jeez..." the first guard said, "Such evil in the world... what would make someone nuts like this."
The
second guard shook his head, "Well, I contribute all this to El
Nino, the changing of the WWF to the WWE and, of course, Pepsi
One."
"Oh, not this one again... I simply can't
believe that Michael and Latoya Jackson is the head of the
Illuminati." The first guard said.
"Hey, you laugh,"
The second guard replied, "But just wait till the great
awakening happens, we'll all lose our noses."
The
two guards leave, and Ash continues to yell and pound his fist on the
clear glass door, "LISTEN TO ME!!! WE ARE ALL IN GRAVE
DANGER!!! THE INVADERS ARE HERE!!!"
From another cell,
another guy yells out, "He's right, To Serve Man, its a
cookbook!!! It's a COOKBOOK!!!"
Ash: "What?"
From
the cell next to him, another guy yells, "It's made from
people!!! Pokemon Chow is made of people!!!"
Ash: "Hey,
we did that joke already! Besides, you're just crazy..."
From
the cell across from him, "We're all living in a matrix, this
isn't the real world!"
Ash: "Hey guys, stop it!
You're making me look crazy too!"
From down the hallway a
guy wailed, "I can't believe its not butter!!!"
Ash:
"Oh jeez..., everyone in this asylum is crazy..."
Suddenly
a guy runs up and starts pounding on his door, and glares at him and
asks in a dark voice, "Do you read Sutter Kane?"
The
man is tackled by a guard and dragged back to his cell. Ash
complain, "From the mouth of babes... comes from the mouth of
madness..." Then he shook his head, "I can't deal with
this right now..."
Ash
walks over and sits on his bunk and puts his head in his hands. "I
can't believe this is happening... All my friends are gone. My
pokemon are either missing... or worse. And the world is going to
come to an end, and only I know what's going on, and everyone thinks
I'm crazy. Now I know how Bush feels... except in my case there
really IS something going on and I'm really not insane... but its a
close analogy. Of course... If I'm really sane, why am I talking to
myself? I really should stop..."
A door opens from the
far end of the hallway. A guard says, "His cell is down the
hallway and to the left. Don't make eye contact with any of the
inmates, no flash photography, and please remember, objects in you're
mirror are closer then they appear."
She walks down the
hallway, Ash can't see her, but he can hear her footsteps. They
stop. She says, "Hey... what is that you got there? Is that
hair gel? Can I borrow some, thanks! I just ran out."
She
continues walking and stops in front of Ash's cell door. "Mr.
Ketchum I assume?"
"And you would be Mary?" Ash
asked.
She looked shocked, "How did you know my
name?"
Ash shrugged, "There's just something about
you..."
"Well, its actually Dr. Mary Shelly."
She explained, "I was visiting another patient here, but when I
heard of your case, they asked if I would stop and talk with
you."
"Another patient, Dr. Shelly... let me guess
his name," Ash said, "Would that be a Mr. Frank N.
Stein?"
Mary's face fell, "How did you know... are
you psychic?"
"No... I can just see a bad joke
coming from a mile away." Ash explained.
"A bad joke..." Dr. Shelly asked, "I'm afraid I don't follow you." She then started to jot down some notes.
"Never
mind..." Ash said, "And Misty used to joke that I belonged
in an asylum cause of my puns... at least I think she was
joking..."
"Misty?" Dr. Shelly asked.
"She
is... was... a friend of mine." Ash explained, "Until
tonight..."
"Yes..." Dr. Shelly said constantly
writing down notes, "Tell me about tonight... and about this...
'Misty'."
Ash raised an eyebrow, and said, "I'm not
sure if I like those quotes around her name... but ok... here's my
story, but I think the only decent way to tell it is in
flashback..."
The doctor nodded, "Go ahead."
Ash
reached into his pocket took about a white packet that read, "INSTANT
FLASHBACK: Just add water."
Ash opened the packet, and
poured in a glass of water, glossy steam rose out of the bag, and
everything goes blurry... "Ok..." Ash said, as things got
blurrier, "It happened like this..."
*blurry...
*blurrier...
*blurriest...
***Ash's Flashback...
"It all started earlier today, I had just stopped in Sudowood City... I checked my pokemon in so they could be healed. With me, was Misty and Brock."
"Well,"
Ash said, "Tonight is Halloween night! And you know what that
means?"
"Yeah!" Misty said, "Trick or
Treating, Ghost Stories..., I love Halloween!"
"Except
for Christmas, Halloween is my favorite holiday," Ash agreed,
"And from what I saw, there's some great houses around here for
Trick or Treating!"
"Just
one problem guys..." Brock said, "Today is Halloween, the
sun is setting, and we need a costume."
"That's no
problem..." Ash said, "You just have to be creative...
look..."
Ash takes a pillow from the couch and stuffs it
down his pants, "Look... I'm a porn star."
"You
wish." Brock said.
"Yeah, me too." Misty
muttered.
Ash
and Brock: "Huh?"
Misty: "Nothing, nevermind,
actually, why don't we just go to that costume shop across the
street?"
Ash and Brock look out the door, and sure
enough, there's a Halloween shop still open at this hour. "Huh..."
Ash said, "That's convenient."
"So how lucky
could we be? We needed a costume, and there across the street was a
costume shop. It couldn't have been more convenient if it was
written by a writer who didn't know a better way to set up a string
of jokes."
Brock comes out of the dressing room like a cowboy. "What do you think?" he asked.
Ash
shrugged, "Its not you..."
"Yeah, looks kinda
like 'home on the deranged." Misty commented.
Ash comes
out wearing a zombie costume.
"Nah, that one is dead
wrong." Brock commented.
Ash
looks around and slips on a red jacket. "How about now?"
"Thrilling!" Brock said.
Misty
then comes out wearing a pirate's outfit. "How do I look
guys?"
"Nice booty!" Ash grinned.
"Augh,"
Misty groaned, "I couldn't listen to THAT joke all
night..."
Brock comes out dressed like Goku, "Tell
me this costume doesn't rock!"
"Yeah!" Ash
agrees, "I'm super saying that's a great costume!"
Ash
comes out wearing a ghost costume. "Honestly Ash..." Misty
says, "That costume really is just a piece of sheet."
A
SHORT TIME LATER...
"Great costume guys!" Misty said, who happened to be wearing a mermaid costume. No... not that copyrighted character who I cannot mention or I will be sued. A totally original mermaid, who just happens to be little... and have red hair. On an unrelated note, when Tony Hawk does that flying around on his skateboard, have you noticed how aerial he gets?
"I
love this costume!" Ash says, dressed as captain of the
enterprise, Jean Luc Picard.
"Aye aye captain!"
Brock said saluting, dressed in purple garb... posing as a certain
lecherous of a monk. Brock grabs Misty's hands, "Won't you bare
me a child."
Misty smacks his hands away, "Stop
that! We've wasted enough time! Let's start trick or treating!"
"So
then, we started trick or treating... and wouldn't you know, first
house is where things went to hell... when we arrived at the door we
were having a very intelligent discussion."
"Alright,"
Brock said, "What do you call a donkey?"
Ash: "An
ass."
Brock: "Ok., what if that donkey was really
big?"
Ash: "A big-ass ass."
Misty:
"What if we were talking about that large donkey's posterior?"
Ash:
"That would be a big-ass ass's ass."
Brock: "And
if his posterior was big?"
Ash: "That'd be a
big-ass ass's big-ass ass."
Misty: "What if the
person who owned said donkey's posterior was a jerk?"
Ash:
"That would be an ass's big-ass ass's big-ass ass."
Brock: "And if that jerk was really fat?"
Ash: "That would be a Big-ass'ed ass's big-ass ass's big-ass ass."
"Wow..."
Misty said, "That was truly a waste of time, energy and
space..."
"Yeah, this is written down, and it was
still a waste of breath!" Brock said.
"But
it killed enough time, look, here's the first house, let's ring the
bell!"
*DING DONG!!!*
Misty,
Ash and Brock: "Trick or Treat!"
The door opened
and out came,
"GARY?!?!"
Ash asked surprised, "What are you doing here?"
"Visiting
my aunt!" Gary explained, "What are you guys... oh, hahaha,
you've got to be kidding me, you losers are still trick or treating!
You'd NEVER see me acting so immature... what losers!"
Ash
stared at Gary in disbelief for a moment then said, "Dude...
free candy..."
Gary stared at Ash for a second then said,
"Umm... can I come?"
"Sure... but you need a
costume..." Ash said.
"Alright,
I think I have something..." Gary said, "wait for me
downstairs, ok? I'll only be a minute."
"We
waited for him, but after 20 minutes, we began to grow a bit
restless."
"Where the Fbleep is he???"
Misty swore.
"Damn, Misty, take it easy!" Ash
said.
Misty scowled, "He's keeping me from
chocolate!"
"Alright, alright" Ash said, "I'll
go up and see if I cant find him..."
Ash walked up the
stairs and knocked on Gary's door, "Gary... you in there?"
No
answer.
"Hello?" Ash said, "I'm going to open
the door..."
No answer.
Ash
opened the door, but Gary wasn't in there. But he heard a strange
noise coming from the closet. Ash slow inched to the door. One step
at a time. His hands trembled. He opened the door and...
Darkness
there... and nothing more...
"So
Gary will be trick or treating with us...?" Ash started to ask.
Nevermore.
Ash
grinned, "Very nice..., gotta love the classics." Ash
turned around and
***DRAMATIC MUSIC!!!
Comes face to
face with Gary, but his head isn't his head. Its a pumpkin. With
evil glowing eyes. "Woah!" Ash screamed, "Bitching
costume! You ready?"
Sudo-Gary just stood there. Ash
looked closely, "That really is a great costume! I mean, you're
eyes are even lit up... I mean, it looks like that mask is hollow,
like its a real... pumpkin... thats... kinda freaky...
Gary...?
Sudo-Gary just stared then lifted up a knife. "Ok...
well... I think that's enough of that..."
Ash backed
away, and Sudo-Gary lunged with his knife. Ash swung open the door,
and pumpkin head smashed into the door shattering to a thousand
pieces, and the body of Gary laid lifeless on the ground.
"Oh
my god..." Ash said, "This is freaky, its like a Mrs. Smith
pies commercial from hell!"
Ash raced down the stairs just in time to see Brock and Misty being dragged out of the house by pumpkin shaped aliens. "Ash!!!! HELP!!!" Misty cried as the door closed.
Ash ran out the door as fast as he could, but it was no use, they were gone! But up in the sky, there was a bright glowing UFO, orange in shape and round. "What's that???" Ash said in horror.
A
round headed alien boy holding a blue blanket standing next to Ash
said, "Why, its the great pumpkin, Ash!"
"Oh
my god..." Ash said, "Its an invasion... you're taking over
Earth!!!"
"Well... duh."
Ash took off
running, "I'll tell the people! I'll tell them how evil
pumpkins from outer space are taking over the earth!"
The
alien nodded, and said, "You do that, I'm sure no one will think
you're crazy."
***END OF FLASHBACK
Ash
paced frantically, "So there's the story! That's why we have to
hurry! There isn't much time, Gary's dead, but no one likes him
anyway. There might be a way to save Misty and Brock!"
Dr.
Shelly nodded and said, "Well... that's a very interesting story
mister ass... I mean... Ash... but there's a problem."
"What?"
Ash asked.
"Well," Dr. Shelly said, "Here's the
problem, I've checked the records, there is no Ms. Oak living
anywhere near here. Plus the address you gave us doesn't
exist."
"But... but that's crazy!" Ash
said.
"Even worse," Dr. Shelly said, "There's
no record of any gyms run by a Misty or a Brock. Those people do not
exist."
"That's... that's... you're lying!" Ash
cried out.
"Even
more." Dr. Shelly said, "There's never been anyone named
Ash Ketchum ever being born or living in Pallet Town."
"What...
but... but..." Ash started crying, "What's... what's going
on..."
"In fact..." Dr. Shelly said, "None
of this is real... this is just a movie..."
"What...?"
Ash said still crying, "You're talking crazy..."
Dr.
Shelly pointed, "Look... they're watching you right now..."
Ash
stared and screamed, "Oh my god... this can't be
happening."
***WE PAN OUT TO SEE WHO'S WATCHING ASH...
Crow:
"This movie sucks..."
Mike: "Yeah, this is
even worse then blood island of doctor Z."
Tom: "Yeah,
but they used the word 'ass' alot, so it could have been
worse."
Crow: "But what kind of sick Twilight Zone
ending was this? It just fell flat."
Mike: "Let's
just get out of here... before we have to start watching it
again."
And the three space captives leave the viewing
room, Ash still up on the screen screaming in horror.
THE END insert evil laugh
"Well..."
Ash said, "That one was different."
"But we got
it up in time for Halloween!" Misty said, "And we had some
great references!"
"I just wonder whether this one
was a trick or a treat?" Brock said.
"You
were just dying to use that line, weren't you?" Ash asked.
"Oh
yeah!" Brock agreed, "Been trying to think of a way of
using that one since we started!"
"Let's get out of
here, we have a Halloween party to go to," Ash said, "Hey,
Mike! You guys want to do your thing for the final comments?"
Mike:
"You got it!"
***THE REAL END***
Alright guys... and girls.
Crow: Damned Political correctness."
Thanks for reading, and I hope you all have a happy and safe Halloween,
Tom:
"That means no stuffing jack o lanterns with fireworks."
Crow:
"Awww...."
filled with tricks,
Mike: "When trick or treating in the red light district."
treats, and a few scares.
Crow: "You want scares? Watch that movie Barber Shop and then realize that they're making a sequel!"
If I say "trick or treat" instead of candy would you give reviews?
Mike:
"Well that's begging for reviews couldn't get more
pathetic..."
Well then... "trick or treat!"
Mike:
"I stand corrected."
Crow: "It's like
Mike on a date."
Mike: "Hey!"
if not... I like snickers.
Tom:
"Believe me, you're getting plenty of them... mostly behind
your back."
Seriously, thanks for reading, I
appreciate it.
All: *makes kissing up noises*
and again, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
All: "Happy Halloween... beware the pumpkin people!!"
...
...
...
...
...
Parting scene (fans of the show will know what I mean):
"So Gary will be trick or treating with us...?" Ash started to ask.
Nevermore.
Ash
grinned, "Very nice..., gotta love the classics."